The Ultimate Harry Potter Cliche Catalogue

Cliché #9 - Songfics

[INT: DUNGEONS]

~ It is VERY HOT. We continually have this fact DRILLED into our subconscious via the use of many SYNONYMS ~

HARRY

Hot damn, it is hot.

RON

Right you are Harry. The sheer hotness of this heatitude is so overwhelming. Hot hot hot. Do you think the readers have gotten the point yet?

HARRY

Best say it a few more times.

RON

Sizzling heat! Warm! Scorching! Humid!

~ SOMEHOW the weather conditions APPEAR to INDUCE an incredibly STUPID singing and dancing EXTRAVAGANZA ~

HERMIONE

I suddenly feel compelled to sing about heat.

~ She sings 'HOT IN HERE' by NELLY. This is both EXCITING and RELEVANT ~

HERMIONE (singing)

It's getting hot in here! So take off all your clothes!

SNAPE (also singing)

I am... get-ting... so hot! I'm gunna take my clothes off!

~ They DO NOT do this - much to the DISAPPOINTMENT of the perverted SNAPE/HERMIONE shippers ~

READERS

Hooray! This is just like that musical Buffy episode! The only difference being that we can't actually hear them and this is actually boring as hell! Woo!

RON

This is quite strange. I wonder what's causing this whimsical phenomenon?

NEVILLE

Whoops! It seems as though I've accidentally created a 'Make Everybody Sing Annoyingly' potion out of water, citric acid and condensed stupidity.

~ DUMBLEDORE enters and shrugs AMIABLY ~

DUMBLEDORE

That sounds like as good as reason as any to stage a talent show.

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[INT: FIRST ANNUAL HOGWARTS ROCK/RAP/POP FESTIVAL]

~ ROUTINES are being REHEARSED and dances moves PERFECTED ~

RON

So what - do I grab my crotch before or after I make derogatory comments about my mother?

SEAMUS

After, bro, definitely after.

RON

Word.

~ MEANWHILE... ~

McGONAGALL

Honestly Albus, there is simply no excuse for this! The students should be studying, not prancing around in gold hotpants! Not to mention the fact that most of these children have the vocal range of a dying mime artist.

DUMBLEDORE

Quiet, or I'll sign you up for a raunchy Christina Aguilera number. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm on now!

~ He suddenly begins to channel AVRIL LAVIGNE ~

DUMBLEDORE

He was a Sk8ter Boi! She sed cya l8ter boi! He wuzznt good enuf 4 her!

She hd a prty fac3 bt hrr hed wuz up in spce omg txt me ppl lol.

READERS

What the hell did he just say?

AVRIL LAVIGNE

U ppl r so uncultured.

~ The READERS all shrug SIMULTANEOUSLY ~

SNAPE

Is this the part where I sing bubblegum pop songs for comic effect?

DRACO

Not yet, first I must have my dramatic Celine Dion solo about my crushing angst and--

~ We are all DISTRACTED by HARRY'S sudden NUDE rendition of the ENTIRE collected works of EVANESCENCE ~

HARRY

I've cleverly altered the words so that it reflects my deep and undying love for Ginny/Hermione/Cho/Filch.

~ He takes a DEEP BREATH. Many people FLEE to the FOUR CORNERS of the globe ~

HARRY

"Wake me up inside...
Wake me up inside...
Call my name and save me from the Dark (Lord)
Bid my wand to run
Before I come undone
Save me from the Squib I've become
Briiiiiing meeee to liiiiife!"

READERS

What utter rubbish! You've just inserted random Potterverse keywords into the lyrics!

RON

Yo, Potter them be da tightest tunes this side o' Hogzmeade. Keep it real!

~ INSERT the RAPPIN' RON demo disk ~

RON

Will the real Ron Weasley please stand up! I gots somethin' to say to y'all and it goes like this...[REMAINDER OF SONG CENSORED]

~ GINNY then starts to sing 'LADY MARMALADE' because she is a CHEAP WHORE ~

GINNY

Voo-lay voo coo-chay avek mwa, say-swar!

~ All speakers of FRENCH go INSANE with rage at the Author's PAINFUL translation ~

GINNY (cont'd)

Gucci Gucci yah yah dada! Gucci Gucci yah yah heeere! Mocha café latte yah yah! I am Lady Marmalaaaaaaaade!

~ GINNY is then brutally murdered by BAZ LUHRMAN ~

DUMBLEDORE

We will now have a brief interlude, in which Sirius and Remus will gaze into each other's eyes whilst a startlingly relevant song plays softly in the background.

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[INT: THE SHRIEKING LOVE SHACK]

~ REMUS and SIRIUS are embroiled in a FIGHT. There is much ROMANTIC TENSION and incredibly FLUFFY DIALOGUE ~

SIRIUS

Oh Reemy my little lovebundle! I'm so sorry I upset the delicate balance of our relationship with my foolish pigheadedness. Please forgive me, my sweet fragile kisslamb!

~ The INEVITABLE happens, much to our DISGUST ~

Every night in my dreams
I see you, I feel you.
That is how I know you go on...

DRACO

Hey! You twits stole my song for Harry! This was going to be MY moment of saccharine glory! Mine!

~ He LEAVES to embark on his SOLO TOUR ~

Far across the distance
And spaces between us
You have come to show you go on

~ Insert LOVING GAZE and FEMININE GIGGLING here ~

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on...
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on...

~ The song goes ON. And ON and ON and ON ~

SIRIUS

Did my attempt to manipulate your emotions in a cheap and tasteless way work?

REMUS

Oh my darling cuddlecake! I wuvv you again!

~ They EMBRACE beneath a TWILIGHT MOON in the shade of a GLISTENING LAKE. There are FIREWORKS in the background ~

RANDOM NARRATOR

And now we return you to your regularly scheduled programming...

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[INT: YOUR REGULARLY SCHELDULED PROGRAMMING]

~ COLIN CREEVEY has just finished dedicating a song to HARRY, who is now clutching a DOZEN RED ROSES and a 24-carat ENGAGEMENT RING ~

HARRY

Oh this is bad! This is very bad!

SNAPE

Pfft... I grow weary of your trivial adolescent anxiety Potter. Go and Cry Me a River.

~ HERMIONE runs in. She is predictably TOO LATE in voicing the SOLUTION ~

HERMIONE

Oh no! Professor! You unwittingly said the title of a song! That's the trigger for the curse!

SNAPE

You mean...?

HERMIONE

Yes! ... Justin Timberlake!

~ SNAPE begins to sing in a HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAL whilst dancing ENTHUSIASTICALLY ~

SNAPE

Cry me a river! (Da da da da)

Cry me a ri-ver! (Oooh!)

SIRIUS

Ack! Wildly inappropriate dance moves! Must...burn...eyes.

GINNY

Oh the humanity!

HERMIONE

We should be okay, just as long as we're extremely careful not to mention any more song titles. Remember - it works best When You Say Nothing At All.

~ There is a MOMENTARY PAUSE as HERMIONE attempts to explore her relationship with RON through the WONDER of RONAN KEATING ~

HARRY

Everybody! Start monitoring your dialogue!

RON

Oh come on Harry! Just a little bit more Snoop Dogg - please?

DRACO

... And it's about time I had my wistful solo! I've got a thirty-piece orchestra all set up and everything!

HARRY

No!

RON

You're just saying that because nobody ever likes your songfics, since they always revolve around some whiny alternative band singing about loneliness and emotional isolation.

HARRY

Shut up! No more singing, no more titles, no more dancing. That's it.

~ LUPIN dashes in ~

LUPIN

I'm sad. You know why? It's because I Can't Fight the Moonlight and have been forced to Escape from my Intuition. But it's okay, because I'm a Fighter, I Will Survive and My Heart Will Go On.

(pause)

As Long As You Love Me.

ALL

Aaaaargh!!!

~ The SUICIDE HOTLINE is flooded with calls ~

MADONNA

Hey wait! Where's my scandalous publicity pash?

[END]

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