The Ultimate Harry Potter Cliche Catalogue

Cliché #8 - Founders

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[EXT: ENGLAND - CIRCA 995 A.D]

~ THREE of the FOUR FOUNDERS are having a CUPPACINO in London ~

ROWENA RAVENCLAW

Even though this is the late 10^th century, we will still talk like sixteen year old American fanfiction writers.

~ They use words like 'DUDE' and 'YO' and 'PUFF DADDY RULZ IN DA GHETTO' so that this generation of HIP READERS will be able to UNDERSTAND the dialogue ~

GODRIC GRYFFINDOR

So anyway, I've noticed that British children are stupid. Let's build a school to educate them.

ALL

Okay.

ROWENA

But wait! There are only three of us! We need exactly four founders! Four!

HELGA HUFFLEPUFF

Four? Why does it matter?

ROWENA

I am an intellectual. Don't insult my superior intelligence. I am smart and I say we need one more founder. Preferably a cowardly male who has no morals and a billowing black cloak.

~ They hold some INTERVIEWS ~

VOLDEMORT

....and that's why I think I'm perfect for the position of the 'evil bastard' of the group. I wear a lot of black, I hate Muggle borns and can play the flute with my nose!

GODRIC

You are a very qualified applicant Mr Riddle, no doubt, but we still have a large problem with hiring you.

VOLDEMORT

What is it?

GODRIC

You don't exist.

VOLDEMORT

Oh dear.

~ He DISAPPEARS in a puff of LOGIC ~

HELGA

We're never going to find someone!

~ SALAZAR SLYTHERIN enters, looking EVIL ~

SALAZAR SLYTHERIN

Look no further! I am just the man for the job.

~ His trademark BLACK CLOAK billows DRAMATICALLY behind him, HITTING several people in the FACE ~

SALAZAR

Tell me about yourselves so that we can establish some sort of character interaction.

GODRIC

Don't you remember me Sal? I'm your cousin / brother / son-in-law / childhood friend / secret lover. Remember? I'm the burly guy with the deep, booming voice who likes hurling bricks at people.

SALAZAR

Yes, I remember. I still hate you though.

~ They HATE each other. They are RIVALS ~

ROWENA

I am pretty and smart, but somehow manage to have no depth at all. Watch how my hair glistens in the moonlight.

~ She looks PRETTY ~

HELGA

I serve almost no purpose, other than to supply a 'mother' figure to the other characters. I bake cookies and wear an apron. Would you like a cherry lollipop Salazar?

SALAZAR

No thanks, I am the embodiment of evil and I can't ruin my teeth with sugar. I need them to bite the heads off innocent puppies.

GODRIC

You are quite easily the most unpleasant person I have ever met. Would you like to start a wizard school with us?

SALAZAR

Only if I can treat you all like crap and breed lethal monsters in the basement.

GODRIC

Deal.

~ They all SHAKE hands and SMILE, symbolising the ONLY peaceful act these four will EVER perform ~

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[EXT: CASTLE CONSTRUCTION SITE]

~ The GROUP are standing near the future HOGWARTS LAKE ~

GODRIC

Since I am evidently the leader, I will think up lots of good ideas. This foreshadows the obvious favouritism towards me and my House that will occur in the future.

SALAZAR

Bah. I resent your authority.

~ They BICKER incessantly and AGGRAVATE everyone ~

ROWENA

Stop fighting. It is giving me wrinkles.

GODRIC

There shall be four Houses, each named after us. The school will be called 'Hogwarts'. Every year, there will be a House championship, in which houses will lose or gain points depending on their behaviour and accomplishments throughout the duration of the school term.

SALAZAR

...I think I have an idea too -

GODRIC

No you don't. I have the ideas. You just scowl.

~ SALAZAR scowls ~

SALAZAR

No I don't! And I want -

GODRIC

Shut up. I'm not done yet. The students will then arrive at the school in a train, despite the fact that it has not been invented yet. They will then proceed to the Great Hall in boats and -

HELGA

Okay, that's enough Godric. The readers all know how it works.

~ We all nod GRATEFULLY ~

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[INT: INTRODUCING..... HOGWARTS]

~ HOGWARTS is NEW and SHINY. It is the start of term and the IRRITATING BACKGROUND children have arrived ~

ROWENA

Since there is no sorting hat, as Godric has not invented it yet, we will have to ask questions to determine which House the students belong in.

~ They call the first VICTIM ~

HELGA

Hello dearie. What is your ambition in life?

KID #1

I want to be a Mummy and have seven babies and own a shop that sells lace, ribbons and shortbread biscuits!

~ She goes to HUFFLEPUFF. The next kid is called ~

ROWENA

Which personal quality do you admire most? Is it; a) intelligence, b) bravery, c) knitting or d) sodomy.

KID #2

I can calculate 'Pi' to five hundred decimal places!

ALL

Ravenclaw!

~ The next HAPLESS child is called ~

SALAZAR

Okay, if you were faced with a forty-ton bloodthirsty chainsaw murderer that was trying to kill your pet slug - what would you do?

KID #3

I would stand and fight 'til the very end! No chainsaw murderer can hurt my dear Stuart! Have at you! Rah rah, that's the fighting spirit sir!

~ He is sorted into GRYFFINDOR for his FEATS of MINDLESS COURAGE ~

GODRIC

Next!

~An UNPLEASANT BLONDE boy walks up ~

MASTER BEELZEBUB J. MALFOY VII

Hello. I am here to give the readers a sense of familiarity.

~ He SMIRKS lazily and SUES people ~

MALFOY

See? Some things never change do they?

~ The READERS feel NOSTALGIC ~

GODRIC

Predictably, you can be in Slytherin, along with your oafish cronies.

~ CRABBE and GOYLE - VERSION 4.0 smile STUPIDLY ~

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[INT: HENRY'S TAKEAWAY OYSTER HUT]

~ ROWENA and SALAZAR are EXPANDING their DEEP and MEANINGFUL relationship ~

SALAZAR

I think I'm falling in love with you Rowena.

ROWENA

I feel the same way as you. And by that, I mean I think I'm falling in love with me as well. I suffer from high self-esteem.

SALAZAR

But.....how do you feel about me?

ROWENA

Huh? Oh - you're okay, I guess.

~ They HOLD HANDS and KISS. They are now STAR-CROSSED LOVERS in the EXACT same position as almost EVERY HP romance story in the GALAXY ~

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[INT: MYSTIC PLACE OF MYSTERY]

~ A strange CLAIRVOYANT-ESQUE person has been STUDYING the Founders through her MYSTIC MIRROR of INSIGHT ~

OBSCURE DIVINATION PERSON

Ah, the prophecy is going just as I have foretold! The Eagle and the Serpent have united, but all will be revealed on the third crescent moon. The Four Founders will soon perish and Hogwarts will fall to the power of the Dark.

CREEPY SUBORDINATE

Is there nothing we can do?

OBSCURE DIVINATION PERSON

No, I am afraid not. We can only hope, pray and light some incense.

~ They burn some AROMATHERAPY oils and CHANT ANNOYINGLY ~

OBSCURE DIVINATION PERSON

Come sidekick! Let us wear gossamer clothing and commune with the ethereal spirits of the next world!

~ They watch 'CROSSING OVER WITH JOHN EDWARD' ~

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[INT: HOGWARTS UNDER SEIGE]

~ HOGWARTS is being viciously ATTACKED by DARK EVIL THINGS~

ROWENA

Oh no! Hogwarts is being viciously attacked by Dark Evil Things!

HELGA

We *can* read you know.

GODRIC

Never fear, ladies! I will single-handedly defeat our foes!

~ He YELLS at the ENEMY and INTIMIDATES them with his GIANT MOUSTACHE ~

GODRIC

Damn! It didn't work!

SALAZAR

I'll take care of them in a cunning and calculated way.

~ He BLOWS them all up with a DARK SPELL ~

ROWENA

Gasp! I didn't know you were a Dark Wizard! Now our love cannot blossom into life-long commitment! Therefore I must fall in love with Godric. Fare thee well Salazar!

SALAZAR

Crap. Now that my love has left me, I must build a secret chamber of evil and develop a sinister plot to kill Godric.

~ He makes everyone NERVOUS with his OVERLY SKETCHY behaviour ~

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[INT: HOGWARTS]

~ There is an IMPORTANT MEETING taking place ~

HELGA

Hey, do you think we should let Muggle-borns attend our school?

SALAZAR

No! I hate Muggle borns. I want to kill and rape them. This is possibly because of some hidden trauma in my childhood. Or perhaps I am just a complete wanker.

~ He PONDERS this concept in a short VIGNETTE ~

GODRIC

I am half-blood. This creates even more tension.

ROWENA

Wait! I still care for Salazar, despite him being a sociopathic maniac! Let me try to justify his side of the argument!

~ She DOES ~

HELGA

I don't care. I want Muggles in the school. Godric, let's gang up on Salazar.

~ HELGA and GODRIC apply PEER PRESSURE ~

SALAZAR

Argh! I hate you! I am going to leave the school forever!

~ He CHUCKS a TANTRUM and THREATENS the lives of his former FRIENDS, before leaving in a haze of ANGER ~

HELGA

Oh dear. I think we may have upset him.

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[INT: FOUNDER'S BEDROOMS]

~ SALAZAR has briefly returned to perform EVIL deeds ~

SALAZAR

Hah! I will now kill you all for refusing to encourage my acts of mindless bigotry and overall nastiness!

GODRIC

I shall not go down without a fight! I shall stand tall in my fluffy slippers and silky mauve boxer shorts and challenge you to a duel!

SALAZAR

I am obviously a better wizard than you. I'll win.

~ He MURDERS everyone and then DISAPPEARS ENIGMATICALLY to develop an affordable range of HAIR CARE PRODUCTS ~

OBSCURE DIVINATION PERSON

Pffft .... Told you so!

[END]

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