The Ultimate Harry Potter Cliche Catalogue

Cliché # 7 - Marauders

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[INT: HOGWARTS EXPRESS - 1^st YEAR]

~ JAMES POTTER and SIRIUS BLACK are sitting in a compartment ~

JAMES

I am such a nice person, yet thin and gangly. Sirius and I have just met for the first time five seconds ago, but we are now best friends. Right Sirius?

SIRIUS

Indeed we are James. Our friendship at this point is entirely based on the fact that we both have black hair and enjoy making people feel inadequate via our own unaltered goodness.

JAMES

I would never do that, because I am a nice person.

~ He smiles PLEASANTLY. He is NICE ~

SIRIUS

I am not particularly nice at all, when you think about it. I will make fun of everybody under the sun, but in a nice way, so that the readers will still love me and want to adopt me as their son.

~ He INSULTS some random, nameless STOCK CHARACTERS, but in a very FRIENDLY and CHARMING manner. We all LOVE him. ~

JAMES

Wait ..... weren't we supposed to establish some kind of shared childhood to justify the fact that we are like brothers?

SIRIUS

Oh! Damn, I completely forgot about that!

~ An EDIT later ~

SIRIUS

We are old childhood buddies, aren't we James? Do you remember that time when we did that funny thing to the person at that place that we always used to go to?

~ They REMINISCE about THINGS that are never fully EXPLAINED ~

JAMES

We need a gang.

~ REMUS LUPIN and PETER PETTIGREW enter abruptly and with PERFECT TIMING ~

REMUS

I am sick and have a haunting look in my eyes. Peter is fat. That's pretty much all you need to know. Can we join your group?

SIRIUS

You are sickly and fat, respectively, but James and I will graciously allow you to follow us around.

PETER

Oh thank you, thank you! May I clean your robes with my tongue?

JAMES

You give me the willies, but sure, why not?

~ SEVERUS SNAPE enters. He is SMALL and GREASY, which is apparently a reflection on his PERSONALITY ~

SNAPE

Bah humbug. I am a twisted and bitter individual with an unusual penchant for hanging out in dungeons. I am a loner. My only friend is a dead chipmunk in a jar of glazed honey. I call him 'Charles'.

JAMES

We don't like you. You are strange. Rack off.

~ These HARSH words have now set the scene for SEVEN years of POINTLESS yet AMUSING rivalry ~

SNAPE

I hate you all. I am going to run off and develop a severe grudge.

~ He SWOOPS off. The remaining PROTAGONISTS all sit down to establish the PECKING ORDER. ~

JAMES

I am the wise, all-knowing and undisputed leader. Bow down to my whims.

SIRIUS

I am the wacky, harebrained and rebellious sidekick. I will routinely get all of you into trouble and slowly but surely ruin your lives.

REMUS

I am the quiet, calm, bookish type. I also serve as Sirius' conscience.

PETER

I am a fat, stupid glutton who everybody hates, despite the overwhelming evidence that I was one of your best friends who you all trusted completely.

~ Nobody pays ANY attention to PETER from this point onwards, because it has been ESTABLISHED by the AUTHOR that he is a FOUL, RAT-FACED TRAITOR who NOBODY likes ~

REMUS

What shall we call ourselves? We need a gimmicky nickname that establishes our fun-loving nature.

SIRIUS

I know! The Fantastic Sirius Black .... Plus Three!

PETER

The Pranksters?

JAMES

No .... And if might I add - you both suck. No, none of those will do. But I, being the wonderful creation I am, have come up with the perfect name. We shall be known as .....

~ DRUMROLL ~

JAMES

The Marauders!

REMUS

But a Marauder is "A rover in quest of booty or plunder". That doesn't sound like us.

SIRIUS

Speak for yourself.

~ He WINKS at the FEMALE READERS, who have FORGOTTEN that he is ELEVEN ~

FEMALES

Ooooh ... what a dream-boat!

JAMES

Shut up. I am leader and can be forceful in a distinctly non-threatening way. The name stays.

~ EVERY single ADULT character mentioned in CANON is sorted into GRYFFINDOR, except for the DEATH-EATERS-IN-TRAINING, who go into the EVIL HOUSE of SIN ~

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[INT: HOGWARTS - 2^nd YEAR]

~ The MARAUDERS, with the obvious exclusion of PETER the ASSHOLE, are standing in the SHRIEKING SHACK ~

JAMES

You are a werewolf Remus.

~ This is a TREMENDOUS shock to the FOUR people in the UNIVERSE who haven't read that bit in POA yet ~

REMUS

Oh shit. How did you find out my terrible secret?

SIRIUS

We caught you 'marking your territory' in the Gryffindor common room yesterday. It was really quite disgusting.

JAMES

And there's also the constant sickness, the irrational fear of the full moon, your frequent disappearances, the late night howling we hear once a month, your twenty million books about dark creatures and the fact that you told us that your greatest wish was 'to not be a horrible, snarling werewolf anymore'.

REMUS

I never said that.

JAMES

You were drunk. - Oh, there's this as well.

~ He points towards the INDREDIBLY OBVIOUS bite-shaped scar on his SHOULDER, as it is COMMON KNOWLEDGE that werewolves CANNOT bite ANYWHERE other than on the SHOULDER ~

SIRIUS

Your last name is a bit of a giveaway too.

REMUS

Pffft...whatever. You guys gonna become Animagi now or what?

~ They DO. This involves an OVERLY LONG but ultimately HEARTWARMING tale spanning at least THREE years, SIX chapters and countless EMOTIONAL flashbacks to REMUS' TORTURED PAST ~

SIRIUS

Woo-hoo! It is now fifth year! Let's use our newfound ability to endanger lives for our own amusement, whilst risking everything our close friend has worked for!

REMUS

You are such a good friend Sirius!

~ They ALMOST get caught, then DON'T. A bunch of IRRELEVENT stuff happens, then the PLOT starts up again. ~

SNAPE

I still hate you with a burning passion. To emphasise my point, I will glare at you in an overly sinister fashion and smirk intermittently.

(pause)

Hey, has anyone noticed that I'm almost an exact replica of Draco Malfoy, only slightly greasier?

REMUS

And that I'm suspiciously similar to Hermione Granger?

THE AUTHOR

You mean that there are other types of personalities?! Wow .... That'd be cool to write about. Maybe I should try to create a HP character with an original personality!

~ The AUTHOR rushes off to write a MARY SUE. The current fic is left to be continued by THE AUTHOR'S MENTALLY UNSTABLE COUSIN. Sadly, we are UNABLE to determine the DIFFERENCE ~

SIRIUS

Hey Snape, it is a full moon tonight - why don't you go under the Whomping Willow? If you don't get smashed into several pieces by the deranged tree, you should be ripped apart and devoured by my pet werewolf.

SNAPE

Okay.

~ SNAPE runs off to do so. There is a LOT of SUSPENSE and TENSION, even though it is GUARANTEED that he will LIVE and that everything will be OKAY ~

SIRIUS

Check it out James! I just committed my first murder! Hows that for foreshadowing?

~ SIRIUS tells JAMES about his MURDEROUS yet FUNNY plot ~

JAMES

What? Are you fucking insane?

~ JAMES leaves to do HEROIC things. SIRIUS has a DEEP moment of PERSONAL REFLECTION ~

SIRIUS

Oh, I get it. That was actually a pretty mean thing to do. I am sad and regretful. Now that I have betrayed his trust, Remus will be awkward and angry for exactly two chapters and all my friends will hate me.

EVERYONE IN THE WORLD

We still love you Sirius!

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[INT: HOGWARTS - 7^th YEAR]

~ JAMES POTTER is flexing his MUSCLES in front of a mirror ~

JAMES

Oh yeah. I am such a stud. Look at how tall and studly I am, despite wearing glasses and having awful hair. Everybody loves me.

SIRIUS

No way James, I am far more studlier than you will ever be. Check this out...

~ SIRIUS smiles at a FEMALE. Said female COLLAPSES into a pile of SQUEALING girlish GLEE. She is immediately rushed to HOSPITAL for TREATMENT and COUNSELLING ~

SIRIUS

Damn, I'm good.

~ It is now time to introduce the BACKUP GRYFFINDOR plot ensemble ~

LILY EVANS

Hello

JAMES

God I hate you! I mean, what kind of person says 'hello' like that? Jeez, you suck.

LILY

Ah yes, I had temporarily forgotten our violent history of totally irrational hatred.

~ They exchange INSULTS. We SCROLL DOWN half a page until something HAPPENS ~

JAMES

I am going to pull a somewhat predictable prank on you.

~ He turns her hair GREEN. This is SIDE - SPLITTINGLY FUNNY, because GREEN is not a NORMAL hair colour ~

LILY

Argh. I will almost certainly retaliate.

~ She does something VAGUE involving JAMES' UNDERPANTS ~

READERS

This is truly comedy gold. My monitor is now coated with snot and spit from my hysterical laughter.

LILY

Hah! Take that, you insensitive, womanising, childish git! I am immune to your charms! I will certainly never fall in love with you, become your wife and bear your children! Hah! Take that, pooface!

~ The READERS smile KNOWINGLY and feel vastly SUPERIOR to all of the CHARACTERS ~

ARABELLA FIGG

Hello Marauders! I am (presumably) Harry's creepy neighbour with the cat-and-cabbage fetish! I am also in your grade and one of your closest friends for some odd reason, despite being considerably older than all of you in the actual book series.

~ We ALL have a sudden MENTAL image of a 65 year old HOUSEWIFE wearing PREPPY Hogwarts ROBES ~

ARTHUR WEASLEY

Woooo! I love Muggles! Aren't Muggles just the cutest?! Wheee! Bless their little cotton socks!

~ Meanwhile, SIRIUS is CHATTING people up like the SLY DOG he is ~

SIRIUS

So anyway, then I turned Professor McGonagall's hair PINK! Pink! Can you imagine?!

FEMALE

Are you serious?

SIRIUS

Yes! Literally! Ahahaha! What a funny joke! Do you get it? My name *is* Sirius - pronounced the same but spelled differently! Sirius and serious! Do you get it? Do you get the funny joke?

READERS

Yes! Now for God's sake - stop using it! We understand!

~ This EXACT SAME JOKE is used another FORTY THOUSAND times ~

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[INT: HOGWARTS - YULE BALL]

~ The GREAT HALL is all SPARKLY and PRETTY ~

JAMES

Hurrah! Another Yule Ball! How magical! But what's this one for? There is no Triwizard Tournament this year, or anything else for that matter.

McGONAGALL

Erm...it's to, uh - commemorate the, um - history of, erm ..... Yule Balls! Yeah, that'll do!

~ Everyone is wearing COOL and SOPHISTICATED clothes, except for the SLYTHERINS, who are wearing EVIL robes of SIN ~

LUCIUS MALFOY

I am pureblooded and spiteful. But more importantly, I am blonde. I am here for the people with severe psychological problems to swoon over.

DISTURBED FANGIRLS

He acts mean, but I bet he's just the sweetest ickle bunny rabbit underneath! Same goes for my dear Sevviekins!

~ They create countless YAHOO GROUPS revolving around this PRINCIPLE ~

LUCIUS

You people are fucked. I am a jerk of colossal proportions. This is indicated by my use of harsh words. Kill all Mudbloods! Rape all women! Torture all fluffy chickens! Muahahaha! Maim! Destroy! Revenge! Kill, kill, kill, killkillkillKILL KILL!

~ He is given some SEDATIVES and a starring role in an ANGST fic ~

DUMBLEDORE

And now, for your viewing pleasure ........... Generic Muggle Pop Band Number 34!!

~ N'SYNC music plays for NO GOOD REASON ~

FRANK LONGBOTTOM

Hey ..... isn't this supposed to be the 70's? Where are all the powder blue tuxedos and ruffled, unmatching shirts?

~ MEANWHILE, and just in time to AVOID the ISSUE.... ~

LILY

I think I'm going to take my hair down and wear makeup

~ In TEEN MOVIE reference #456 - LILY becomes INSTANTLY beautiful ~

JAMES

Holy crap! I love you! How come I never noticed that before?

SIRIUS

She wasn't wearing a push-up bra before, that's why.

LILY

Oh dear, I suppose I have to become a part of your gang now that we are in love.

~ LILY is now FUN-LOVING and JOLLY instead of the TEDIOUS BORE she was TEN MINUTES ago. She has become the UNOFFICIAL 5^th MARAUDER ~

SIRIUS

Gah .... I - I think I feel a love triangle coming on!

~ Both SIRIUS and JAMES are in LOVE with LILY. Seven chapters later, JAMES WINS ....... Obviously ~

REMUS

I cannot fall in love because I am a werewolf. Feel sorry for me dammit!

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[EXT: A MEANINGFUL PLACE]

~ The MARAUDERS, this time including PETER the ASSHOLE, are OUTSIDE ~

REMUS

Well friends, it is now time for our Americanised graduation ceremony. Let's talk meaningfully about our future.

~ They gaze WISTFULLY at the SKY ~

SIRIUS

James, what is your greatest wish? I need to know so that we can have a touching moment.

JAMES

My only desire is that we remain friends for all eternity and that I do not die in my early twenties as the result of the painful betrayal of one of my closest friends.

~ PETER is TWITCHING with BARELY suppressed GUILT ~

READERS

God I hate you Peter, you slimy wormy yuck-guy!

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[INT: THE HAPPY ENDING - FOR NOW]

~ It is now time to ANNOUNCE the WINNER of the HOUSE COMPETITION thingy ~

DUMBLEDORE

100 points to Sirius for being sexy! 100 points to Remus for being a smart little werewolf! And finally ..... five billion points to James for being Harry's father and therefore being the Best Person in the Universe!

GRYFFINDOR

Oh my! We have won the house championship! How unlikely! We will now act loud and boisterous in a Gryffindorly manner.

~ The GRYFFINDORS act with the COMBINED MATURITY of a BURNT MATCH ~

SLYTHERIN

We shall pout in a sinister way and brutally sacrifice our innocent new First Years to Greta the Celtic God of Vengeance. We are not very nice people. Have you noticed yet?

~ They SCOWL repeatedly. They are EVIL ~

RAVENCLAW

We appear to be far too intelligent to take such trivial things so seriously, but we are secretly fuming with anger. Why the fuck don't we ever win? You'd think that the 'smart' house would *always* win, wouldn't you?

~ The RAVENCLAWS suppress all EMOTION and smile PLEASANTLY at the GRYFFINDORS ~

HUFFLEPUFF

What? You actually think that we have an opinion of our own? Go Gryffindor!

~ The GANG leaves school in a state of alcohol-induced EUPHORIA ~

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[INT: GODRICS HOLLOW - HALLOWEEN]

~ HARRY has been BORN and VOLDEMORT is killing EVERYTHING in sight. The gang is simultaneously HAPPY and TERRIFIED, resulting in some very AWKWARD dialogue ~

SIRIUS

I suspect you of being a spy Remus, but will not say anything - although I will eye you suspiciously for the remainder of the evening.

REMUS

Eh ... whatever. I have to go - it's a full moon tonight.

SIRIUS

Wasn't it a full moon last week? When you had that soulful reflection about your anguished life?

REMUS

Yeah, what's your point?

~ SIRIUS and REMUS leave ~

JAMES

I am the happiest person in the world.

LILY

Me too.

~ They are quickly MURDERED in COLD BLOOD ~

PETER

Hahahahaha! Take that, James Potter! I have finally gotten revenge for - ah, erm ..... nothing really. You didn't do a single thing that justified my betraying you.

(pause)

Oh well .... You deserved it anyway.

~ He leaves to REJOIN with the CANON storyline ~

SNAPE

Nooooooo! I never got to tell Lily that I loved her and now she is gone! Gone! I shall build a memorial in her honour and sing nightly praises to her saintly visage! Oh, sweet Lily, I shall live forever with your memory held dear in my heart. With your hair like fire and your spirit like the morning sunrise ...........

~ The ending RAPIDLY DETERIORATES into an ELTON JOHN SONGFIC ~

[END]

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