The Ultimate Harry Potter Cliche Catalogue

Cliché # 6 - Wacky Crossovers

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[PROLOGUE]

THE AUTHOR

Hey! Wouldn't it be, like, so fun if all my favourite characters could meet each other in one story? Wouldn't that just be the best fun ever?!

READERS

No

~ The READERS are blatantly IGNORED ~

THE AUTHOR

Yes! That would be the coolest thing! And then, they could, like, solve a mystery or defeat some evil power together or something.

READERS

No, seriously, don't do it. It will suck.

THE AUTHOR

So, what, you expect me to write, like, a separate story for each one of my favourite book/television series? You must be joking!

READERS

Believe us, we wish this were a joke

THE AUTHOR

Well it isn't. This is my.......

~ DRAMATIC pause ~

THE AUTHOR

Harry Potter / Lord of the Rings / Buffy / Pokemon / Bob the Builder Crossover!

READERS

Oh.....crap.

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[INT: THE FORBIDDEN FOREST]

~ The three MAIN CHARACTERS are walking around AIMLESSLY ~

HERMIONE

Harry, what are we doing here? I want to go and participate in a slash fic. This is boring.

HARRY

We're waiting for the suspicious-looking movements to start. Then we can go after them and discover a parallel universe involving the cast of 'Lord of the Rings' and several unspecified anime cartoons.

HERMIONE

Sooooo...no sex then?

RON

Talk about one-track minds Hermione! This is *not* the smut chapter. This one is supposed to be funny.

~ There is a RUSTLE of movement in a particularly FOREBODING section of the forest. ~

HARRY

Come! Let us rush after it in a stupidly heroic fashion! Hurrah!

~ They RUN off, whilst shouting their FEARSOME GRYFFINDOR WAR-CRY in the general direction of DANGER ~

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[EXT: THE SAME PLACE - OR IS IT?]

~ The POV has suddenly SWITCHED to the LOTR characters. They are SINGING HARMONIOUSLY because that is what they do in LORD OF THE RINGS ~

SAM

Ho-hum twiddle-dee, diddle on the fiddle and a twiggy fum ho snee!

LEGOLAS

That was wonderful Samwise. I will now sing a meaningful sonnet about my deep affection for trees.

~ LEGOLAS sings and it is PRETTY. We all love LEGOLAS because he is SENSITIVE to the needs of PLANTS ~

ARAGORN

I shall now speaketh in bad ye olde English in an abysmal attempt to maketh this tale sound credible!

GANDALF

Armenei fim greit noro bildaed Elvi ni pione

(translation)

Do you like my completely made-up bullshit Elvish? Sounds good huh?

BOROMIR

I'm alive! How good is this? It's kinda funny how none of this was mentioned in the original trilogy though.

GANDALF

Shhh! Do you want the readers find out what complete crap this is? Just shut up and pretend it has a valid plot.

~ They continue to SING and TALK in BULLSHIT ELVISH about cool things like the FATE of MIDDLE-EARTH. We are IMPRESSED with the AUTHORS knowledge of TOLKEIN ~

GIMLI

Hey....Where's the Ring of Power?

FRODO

Huh?

GIMLI

You know, the One Ring to Rule Them All?

~ There is a LONG SILENCE in which the characters THINK ~

GIMLI

Mt Doom? The Dark Lord Sauron? The Fellowship of the Ring? The fate of Middle-Earth? Any of these ring a bell?

~ Everyone SHRUGS ~

ARAGORN

Who cares? We're in a Crossover now!

~ They keep WALKING. Everything suddenly grows DARK. Creepy SOUNDTRACK music plays ~

FRODO

There is foul work afoot. I sense a growing dread in my inner ear.

GANDALF

I do not recognise this land. We are lost.

LEGOLAS

I see it too O'Gandalf. There is much evil in this place. We must leave. The trees will not speak with me.

PIPPIN

I'm hungry

~ The characters all GLARE at PIPPIN. Suddenly, RON appears out of NOWHERE ~

FRODO

Ai ai! 'tis a fearsome and ugly Orc!

RON

Aahhh! What the hell are you supposed to be? And I am NOT ugly, I just haven't grown into my body yet!

~ HARRY and HERMIONE appear. PANDEMONEUM breaks loose, in which there is a lot of SCREAMING, general CONFUSION and almost EVERYBODY gets SHOT by LEGOLAS ~

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[INT: HOGWARTS]

~ EVERYBODY is naturally in the HOSPITAL WING, which DUMBLEDORE likes to use to EXPLAIN the PLOT ~

DUMBLEDORE

I am old and wise, but even I cannot figure out what the hell is going on here. Perhaps the Author could shed some light?

~ He looks HOPEFULLY up at the CEILING, where the AUTHOR has CLEVERLY disguised him/her self as a SPITWAD ~

AUTHOR

Sorry, no frigging clue. Just throw something together with time-turners and a prophecy. That should do it.

~ He DOES this. We don't even PRETEND to understand it, but it does not MATTER because the CHARACTERS will soon get themselves into COMICAL and AWKWARD situations that will make us LAUGH and FORGET about the PLOT ~

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[INT: DUMBEDORE'S OFFICE]

~ DUMBLEDORE and GANDALF are smoking HOBBIT WEED ~

GANDALF

Heh. We are both old and sage wizards. Heh.

DUMBLEDORE

Cool.

~ They are STONED. This is FUNNY because they are OLD ~

DUMBLEDORE

Dude, is this the bit in the story where the similar characters pair off and have deep yet funny conversations about how similar they are?

GANDALF

Totally. Then the other characters will start arriving. Then we can defeat something.

DUMBLEDORE

Sweet.

GANDALF

Dude

DUMBLEDORE

Sweet

GANDALF

Dude

~ The two SAGE WIZARDS are left in a DRUG-INDUCED STUPOUR ~

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[INT: GREAT HALL]

HARRY

Holy shit! You mean you're an orphan too? No way!

FRODO

Yes way! I am a small insignificant person who grows to reach his full potential and do great things.

HARRY

You're kidding! I'm an 'uncertain hero' too! We should start a club!

~ The SIDEKICK ASSOCIATION runs up ~

PIPPIN

We're starting a club too!

HARRY

Good for you, sidekicks!

HERMIONE

And Gimli, Neville and Hufflepuff House are starting one for Under-Appreciated Characters who Nobody Cares About!

~ At this point, LEGOLAS and DRACO walk into the hall, closely FOLLOWED by the entire FEMALE population of HOGWARTS ~

HERMIONE

Damn! Why can't we have house-elves like *him*!

~ HERMIONE runs after LEGOLAS ~

LEGOLAS

Aaagh! Who are you and what are you doing to my pants!

MERRY

They're all gay anyway.

~ MERRY is beaten to DEATH by FANGIRLS ~

FRED/GEORGE

Oh no! Now we don't have enough members for our Comic Relief Union!

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[INT: MT DOOM]

~ The DARK LORDS are having a SLEEPOVER ~

VOLDEMORT

So anyway, I killed every one of those adorable kittens and ate their heads.

SAURON

Oh! That's so funny! Reminds me of the good old days when I wasn't a disembodied eyeball.

~ He looks SAD, which is an ASTONISHING feat for an ORANGE SPHERE ~

VOLDEMORT

Hey, wanna help me with my Evil Plan? We could be partners!

SAURON

What's the plan?

VOLDEMORT

To slaughter everybody in the universe, with the exception of myself and my goldfish Daisy.

SAURON

Sounds good.

~ MEANWHILE ~

WORMTAIL

I mean, it's not as though I ENJOY having the word 'worm' in my name.

WORMTONGUE

Ooooh yes .... I know exactly what you mean! It's just DISRESPECTFUL.

~ They start to CRY like the PITIFUL SAPS they are ~

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[INT: BACK IN THE GREAT HALL]

~ Without warning, EVERY SINGLE ANIME CHARACTER EVER INVENTED is thrown into the story. We have almost NO IDEA who most of them are. ~

READERS

Huh? Who are these people?

THE AUTHOR / ANIME NUT

How could you NOT know who Sen-rai Genki Chan is?! He's only the BEST Chuchi-mon-chan-boku character EVER! You guys are such losers! ^_^ Kawai!

SEN-WOW-CHOKU-CHAN (whatever)

Yes! I am here in the Harry Potter realm. I will use my mystic powers of laser sunshine to protect the world!

~ The NORMAL characters just STARE. ~

THAT WHINEY POKEMON KID

Look at me! I have brought my sickeningly cute pokemon friends with me!

~ There is a SHORT and ICONSEQUENTIAL poke-thing battle ~

DUMBLEDORE

Dude....this hobbit-weed is strong.

LEGOLAS

What a wonderful occasion this is. I shall sing a song about it.

~ LEGOLAS sings AGAIN and it is PRETTY ~

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[INT: THE AUTHOR'S HOME]

~ The AUTHOR has run out of IDEAS ~

AUTHOR

To be continued! Join me next time when Buffy joins the group! How cool will that be? Give me reviews and I will continue!

~ The story is NEVER continued. It DISAPPEARS into the SHADOWS of FANFICTION.NET, never to be seen again. Its READERS seek THERAPY ~

[THE END]