The Ultimate Harry Potter Cliche Catalogue

VERNON

Wonderful. You're here. Let the domestic violence begin!

HARRY

Oh........goodie.

~ The DURSLEYS subject HARRY to many CRUEL, PAINFUL and OUT OF CHARACTER punishments ~

HARRY

Hasn't anybody noticed that you've only just started to beat me up now that I am physically able to defend myself? If you really were the type to bash someone up for no reason, wouldn't you have done it back when I was a weenie little shrimp?

VERNON

What have I told you about making sense Potter?

HARRY

But-

VERNON

The last chapter already got shut down because it began making sense, so don't you go and jeopardise this one too. We haven't insulted nearly enough people yet! Now go off to your cupboard and nurse your injuries!

~ HARRY leaves for his CUPBOARD, the AUTHOR conveniently IGNORING the fact that he is supposed to have an ACTUAL bedroom now ~

THE AUTHOR

Shut up. Cupboards are much more tragic.

DUDLEY

He still looks like a total weenie to me anyway.

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[INT: STANKY CUPBOARD OF MAGICAL REPRESSION]

~ HARRY is DROWNING in SELF-PITY. In fact, it is SO BAD that he has started using INTOLERABLY BAD METAPHORS ~

HARRY

My life is like swimming through a hubcap full of infected toenails. Every morning I wake to a pain in my heart that is as intense as a fire in a lingerie factory.

~ It has now been established that HARRY is unnaturally DEPRESSED. We all feel EMOTIONALLY CONNECTED to him via his SUFFERING ~

HARRY

Why did my parents have to die, leaving me all alone in the world? Why must I be doomed to suffer the same torments year after year?

~ HARRY wrestles with INNER DEMONS until it is time for HOGWARTS ~

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[INT: THE PIT OF DARKNESS OR WHATEVER THE MALFOYS LIVE IN]

DRACO

I exude an aura of complete confidence and smuggery at all times, yet according to angst writers I am plagued by inner conflict.

~ He looks WISTFUL ~

DRACO

My father is a cruel and sadistic tyrant who wishes me to become an evil Death Eater like him. How can I tell him of my secret desire to become a Gryffindor and raise fluffy white puppies on a cosy little farm with Hermione? Or is it the life of a needlessly evil criminal that I want? I am so confused.

~ His facial expressions SWITCH intermittently, between 'ANGELIC' and 'DEMONIC' for SEVERAL paragraphs, until he is simply left looking CONFUSED and IRRITABLE. This look NEVER leaves his face again. ~

LUCIUS

I have a wonderful new game for you to play Draco.

~ He looks SINISTER ~

DRACO

Is it 'Let's All Burn Disturbing Images Into Our Forearms' again?

LUCIUS

Nope, this game is much more fun than that.

DRACO

Twisted? Sodopoly? Who Wants to Rape and Torture a Millionaire? Wheel of Misfortune and Terror?

LUCIUS

Shut up you imbecile. We're supposed to be creating tension here. This is a serious story with serious issues, not an advertisement for lousy board game rip-offs (available at all good toy stores)

DRACO

What have you got up your sleeve this time father?

LUCIUS

I'm not saying anything until you address me with a capital F.

DRACO

Sorry Father

~ LUCIUS smiles in an OVERLY CREEPY, WOODY ALLEN - TYPE way. This smile can ONLY mean ONE thing ~

LUCIUS

It's a lovely activity called 'incest' my dear boy. A game the whole family can play!

~ He then proceeds to RAPE his own SON without MERCY and without LUBRICATION of any sort. This is ALL described in GRAPHIC DETAIL for AT LEAST thirty lines. We are so APPALLED we want to VOMIT all over the monitor ~

NARCISSA

I am frail and abused. I desperately want to save my only child from this terrible life of pain and torture, but cannot be arsed to actually do anything about it.

LUCIUS

Narcissa, you simply must join in!

~ The MALFOY FAMILY engages in more INCEST ~

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[INT: HOGWARTS - YES, THEY FINALLY ARRIVED]

~ RON is looking MELANCHOLY. This is yet another GRIPPING DEVELOPMENT ~

HERMIONE

Oh jeezus, not you too Ron! Why is everybody so suicidal all of a sudden? Nothing's even happened to you yet!

RON

Exactly! Three pages into the parody and this is the first time I've been mentioned! Nobody cares about me. My life stinks.

~ The READERS all YAWN simultaneously ~

HERMIONE

Ron, we're not meant to be the focus of these stories. Harry's the star of this series, that's why we have 'supporting character' written on our name tags. Besides, you were mentioned a whole two lines before me!

RON

No I wasn't! Draco was talking about you in his monologue!

HERMIONE

Really? I thought the author edited me out so she wouldn't offend the D/G shippers.

~ RON looks SOUR ~

RON

Apparently not. Look, I don't care what you say. I have a severe inferiority complex and there's nothing you can do about it! I hate Harry! He's always stealing my thunder!

HERMIONE

It isn't his fault that you are a talentless hack.

RON

I don't care! I'm still going to get needlessly angry and betray him in four scenes anyway! I'll show everybody that I'm not just comic relief! I'll make them all PAY! Muahahahaha!

~ RON turns EVIL in WORLD RECORD time. He runs off to PLOT in DARK CORNERS and develop SHIFTY EYES ~

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[INT: THE BURROW]

GINNY

Hey! They left me at home! Dammit! This was supposed to be the scene where I start sensing evil everywhere with my dark magic radar thing that everyone always insists on giving me in this kind of fanfiction.

~ We hear CRICKETS chirping ~

GINNY

Why does that always happen after I say something?

~ GINNY, realising that I have been IGNORING her for the past FOUR chapters for NO REASON at all, begins to DRINK HEAVILY ~

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[INT: HAGRIDS JOINT]

~ HARRY and HAGRID are eating RAT CARCASSES ~

HARRY

So you see Hagrid, I firmly believe that my rhetorical development has had residual effects on my inner persona, which is caused but my sociological tendencies to delve deep into the mysteries surrounding my life.

~ By this point, the READERS are so FED UP with the pointless reflection, they are actually HOPING for another DISTURBING RAPE scene ~

HAGRID

Bin watching Daws'ns Creek again 'Arry?

HARRY

Maybe. But what would your advice be?

HAGRID

Well, 'fer you ter prop'ly understand yer 'eritage, yer simp'ly must get der 'arangolyn in yer lib'ry there an' work terwards yer 'ol go'ls.

~ In ADDITION to being HUNGRY and UTTERLY BORED, the poor READERS now have to figure out WHAT in the HELL HAGRID just said and try to get it to make SENSE ~

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[INT: THE BOYS DORM]

NEVILLE

Why didn't I get my own series? I'm almost an orphan. I can be just as interesting as Potter can! Nobody ever gives me more than two lines to say, they just cut me off at th-

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[INT: SLYTHERIN DUNGEONS]

~ VOLDEMORT is there. He has just finished RAPING some nameless FIRST-YEARS ~

DRACO

Holy shit, it's you! Erm, I mean ...... What are you doing here o' Master of Wonderful Badness? How did you get in?

VOLDEMORT

Hagrid's been keeping me as a pet for some time now. He is a very .... affectionate man.

~ There is a AWKWARD PAUSE ~

VOLDEMORT

But never mind that now; I have a task for you. If you succeed, you will become a Death Eater and live a life of misery by my side. If you fail, then I will personally peel all of your skin off, squeeze the juice from your limp body and hack you into a complex 3-D jigsaw puzzle.

DRACO

And people wonder why I'm depressed. What is the task, my lord?

~ The READERS are now nearly SOILING THEMSELVES in SUSPENSE at their first PLOT-SIGHTING ~

VOLDEMORT

You must seduce Hermione Granger and impregnate her with your devil's spawn!

DRACO

Hey man, don't be dissing my spawn like that. May I ask why you want me to do this?

VOLDEMORT

Because I'm sterile. Now piss off, I've got more raping to do.

DRACO

Whatever. It's not like I've never seduced anyone before. Gee, I sure hope I don't develop feelings in the short time I actually spend with her.

~ He LAUGHS ~

DRACO

As if that could ever happen!

~ DRACO runs off in search of HERMIONE ~

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[INT: A VERY SEDUCTIVE HALLWAY]

~ DRACO and HERMIONE are talking SEDUCTIVELY. For some reason, HERMIONE is in a NEGLIGEE ~

HERMIONE

Stop looking down at my heaving breasts. I don't want to sleep with you.

~ The MALE READERS are now FULLY AWAKE ~

DRACO

I want you bad Hermione. I'm a changed man.

HERMIONE

I don't believe you. You are scum between my toes.

~ They play clever MINDGAMES ~

HERMIONE

I don't believe you.

~ He gives her a DEEP and MEANINGFUL stare with his SEDUCTIVE grey eyes. The FEMALE READERS go all SWOONY ~

HERMIONE

I still don't believe you.

~ He does a GRATUITOUS NUDE sequence ~

HERMIONE

Damn, why didn't you show me that before?

~ The events that follow are only MODERATELY creepy. The AUTHOR has single-handedly CRASHED 'Thesaurus.com' in writing this EXPLICIT LOVE SCENE. Somewhere in the MIDDLE of all of this HERMIONE and DRACO have fallen in LOVE ~

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[INT: THE 14^TH ANNUAL EVILDOERS CONVENTION]

~ RON is trying to convince people that he is EVIL. The READERS do not BUY it, not EVEN for a SECOND ~

RON

So you see gentlemen, I can help you kill Harry Potter.

VOLDEMORT

And what do you want in return for this?

RON

My own book series, starring me. And a live-action movie version of the books, starring me. And a crummy video game, starring me. And -

PETER PETTIGREW

Jeez. ..... do we really want Potter THAT bad my lord?

VOLDEMORT

Yes. He makes me look bad. And goodness knows we have to be sooo image-conscious nowadays!

RON

Is that a 'yes'?

VOLDEMORT

No, it's a 'we might not kill you just yet'.

RON

That's good enough for me!

~ RON tries to look UNTRUSTWORTHY ~

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[INT: SNAPE'S DUNGEON / BEDROOM / OFFICE / NAIL SALON]

~ SNAPE is delivering a HEARTFELT confession to NOBODY in particular ~

SNAPE

.....and that is how my secret childhood trauma turned me into a vicious psychopath. It doesn't help that I'm a vampire as well.

THE LOGICAL PART OF SNAPE'S BRAIN

Wouldn't people understand you a lot more if you actually told them why you are such an unpleasant person? They could probably help you.

SNAPE

Quiet you!

~ He continues to SUFFER through his pain all ALONE ~

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[INT: LUPIN'S SWINGING BACHELOR PAD]

LUPIN

I am so lonely and outcast.

~ SIRIUS arrives ~

SIRIUS

Hello Remus. Let's have an awkward moment in which we have flashbacks to when we suspected each other of treachery.

~ They DO ~

SIRIUS

Let us now exchange harsh words in an attempt to justify our feelings of guilt.

~ They TALK. This is followed by MORE TALKING, some DISSCUSSION, a DEBATE, some pointless INNEUNDO and a spot of TEA ~

LUPIN

Well, it's been brilliant chatting with you, but I really must dash off and endure several hours of blinding pain, in which I will blame myself for everything bad in the world.

SIRIUS

Good-o. I'll just go and have nightmares about my torturous years in Azkaban.

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[INT: ANY RANDOM ROOM]

~ This is officially the FIFTIETH POINTLESS CONFRONTATION scene in the story. HERMIONE is as BIG as a HOUSE. We have absolutely NO IDEA what is about to be REVEALED to us ~

HERMIONE

Draco, I'm pregnant.

DRACO

Score! I knew I was good for something! When is it due?

HERMIONE

Tomorrow.

DRACO

What? How does that work? We only got together last week!

HERMIONE

Who cares? The whole point of angst fics is to get us into situations we wouldn't normally be in, and as fast as humanly possible.

DRACO

Wow, you're right!

~ They do DRUGS and ATTEMPT SUICIDE ~

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[EXT: QUIDDITCH PRACTICE]

HARRY

Ron, you've been acting a bit strange lately. Is there anything wrong?

~ RON pukes up GREEN SLIME and ROTATES his head 360 DEGREES, whilst doing NAUGHTY things with his WAND and CURSING HARRY'S RIGHT TO LIVE ~

RON

Nope.

~ RON smirks at HARRY. It is fairly OBVIOUS that he has been CORRUPTED by EVIL ~

HARRY

Good. You are my bestest friend Ron. I'd be lost without you.

~ They play a BRIEF game of QUIDDITCH, but HARRY and DRACO are too busy with their EMOTIONAL DISCORD to do anything interesting, so the game is abruptly CANCELLED to make room for more MONOLOGUES ~

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[INT: A LARGE CHAMBER OR SOME CRAP LIKE THAT]

~ After a MULTITUDE of THINKING and TALKING and BETRAYAL and PAIN and much RAPING, we have finally arrived at the so-called 'CLIMAX' of the story. ~

VOLDEMORT

I am here to kill you Harry Potter!

(pause)

............again!

HARRY

Noooo! How did you know where to find me?

~ RON steps forward. He looks OMINOUS ~

RON

It was me, my old friend! It was I who betrayed you! I have gone over to the Dark Side!

~ The CHARACTERS present at the time GASP at this SHOCKING TWIST which is completely RUINED for the READERS by the fact that we already KNEW about it FIVE CHAPTERS AGO ~

HARRY

But....why Ron? I thought we were best friends.

RON

We were, until some kid with a keyboard decided to stink everything up.

~ HARRY makes a STIRRING speech about BROTHERHOOD and LOYALTY. Consequentially, RON is CONFLICTED as a result, but not enough to actually CARE ~

RON

Nah, I think I'll kill you anyway. I'll still have my groupies.

~ The RON FAN CLUB cheers loudly, blindly REFUSING to accept RON'S new EVIL STATUS ~

DRACO

Father, I don't think I want to be a Death Eater

LUCIUS

I'll kill you, you little turd.

~ SUDDENLY, everything goes to HELL ~

EVERYONE

I'll hurt / kill / rape you!

~ SEVERAL HUNDRED things happen all AT ONCE. Here is the ABRIDGED version of events;

VOLDEMORT kills DUMBLEDORE

HARRY kills RON and is consequently VERY UPSET

DRACO kills HIMSELF in his CONFUSION regarding his TRUE IDENTITY

HERMIONE then DIES in CHILDBIRTH

PETTIGREW runs AWAY and WETS his pants.

FRED and GEORGE engage in INCEST

GINNY slowly DRINKS herself into a COMA

SNAPE kills LUCIUS in ANGER and then murders SIRIUS (just for a lark)

LUPIN goes MAD from something WEREWOLF-RELATED

HAGRID is CASTRATED for no good reason

Several MUGGLES are RAPED and TORTURED

~

VOLDEMORT

None of that matters to me Potter. Once you are dead, I can finally take over the world.

HARRY

I suppose a happy life was simply not meant to be. I cannot be the flawless hero this time. I have failed in my destiny.

~ HARRY then DIES in a highly DRAMATIC way ~

THE READERS

What the hell? Did evil just win?

~ We are all DEEPLY CONCERNED about the AUTHOR'S emotional STABILITY ~

THE AUTHOR

I was sick of Harry winning. I love Harry Potter though, and I am sorry I killed almost every single character in a horribly savage way and made their last months alive miserable. Please review!

~ We all RUN off to read HUMOR FICS ~

[THE END]