The Ultimate Harry Potter Cliche Catalogue

Cliché # 4 - MST (Mystery Science Theatre)

-------------------------------------

[INT: HOGWARTS - VARIOUS LOCATIONS]

~ The three MAIN CHARACTERS are going about the daily business of being FICTIONAL when they are SUDDENLY AND INEXPLICABLY sent to a MYSTERIOUS location ~

-------------------------------------

[INT: STUPIDITY HEADQUARTERS]

HARRY POTTER

Wow. We have been kidnapped by an unseen force of obviously great power. How unlikely.

~ The group are standing in a GLARINGLY WHITE room with exactly TWO couches and a LARGE TELEVISION SCREEN. Apparently all MST writers shop at the SAME furniture store, which also happens to be the one used by most HOSPITALS and/or 'MEN IN BLACK' SET DESIGNERS ~

RON WEASLEY (pointedly)

Gee, I wonder who else will be joining us.

~ FIVE other 'VICTIMS' fall from the ceiling. This is SUPRISING. They are SNAPE, LUPIN, SIRIUS, MALFOY and PROFESSOR McGONAGALL. Together, they form the EXACT SAME group as every other MST in the UNIVERSE ~

ALL

What the hell is going on here?

~ They express CONFUSION for several minutes ~

OMNIPITENT / SCRY / MYSTERIOUS VOICE - AKA: 'THE AUTHOR'

My name is longer than my speaking role!

ALL

Huh?

OMNIPITENT / SCARY / MYSTERIOUS VOICE - AKA: 'THE AUTHOR'

Never mind that! The plot of these things says I have imprisoned you all here in order to torture you with extremely badly written stories about yourselves. Hopefully you will all go mad and start doing stupid things so that I can get myself lots of lovely reviews.

~ There is a short SILENCE in which EVERYONE in the room tries to KILL the voice - only to discover that they have NO WANDS or POINTY objects. The AUTHOR emits several EVIL LAUGHS, each stolen from the second AUSTIN POWERS movie ~

SNAPE

Damn, looks like I'm stuck here with you tossers then.

~ The OBLIGATORY COMPLAINT SESSION begins ~

SIRIUS

Snape is an arsehole. I am sure this will be terrible and will express outrage at every chance. However, this will give me the perfect opportunity to expand my completely platonic brotherly relationship with Lupin.

LUPIN

Damn straight!

MALFOY

I will now complain also. Oh woe is me, for I am stuck in a badly decorated room with badly decorated Gryffindors. I will have to be extra offensive and say 'Mudblood' a lot.

McGONAGALL

I am a sour uptight crone, but a lot of MST writers seem to like me for some reason, so I will now be described as 'empowered' and 'fiery' and referred to only as 'Minerva'. I will kick all of your asses at regular intervals.

HERMIONE

I am a typical bookworm. I do not have any books presently, particularly 'Hogwarts; A History'. This makes me incredibly sad and potentially homicidal.

HARRY

Why does everybody want to torture me all the time? What did I ever do?

SNAPE

Would you like some bread with that WHINE?

(pause)

Tee hee! I made a funny!

O / S / M VOICE

Just shut up and read the damn story! We have another eighty chapters to get through!

~ Both the READERS and CHARACTERS groan at this moderately DEPRESSING announcement. Writing appears on the SCREEN. The gang GRUDGINGLY begin to read. ~

"Wun daye at Hogglewrats Skool"

HERMIONE

Argh! Bad spelling! This will drive me completely insane in exactly nine sentences, as apparently I care about grammar to the point of obsession! Argh!

"Hairy Poofter wuz skiping downe the halwaye"

HARRY

I do not skip! I will now serve my only purpose of acting almost consistently indignant! Or was that 'ignorant'? Either way!

~ He YELLS ~

MALFOY

Ha ha! I will now make fun of your name! They called you Hairy Poofter! I am making snide comments! Go me! I am in character!

~ HARRY and MALFOY have a FIST FIGHT because they are ENEMIES and that is what HATEFUL ENEMIES do. MINERVA breaks up the fight using GIRL POWER. ~

" He wuz pikking pretty flouwers two giv his bouyfrend Snap!"

HARRY / SNAPE

Argh! Indignation!

LUPIN

You can't pick flowers indoors.

(pause)

Well I had to say *something*, didn't I? My character has no conflicting hang-ups with the others to amuse the readers!

" Thay wer in luve and wanted too hav baybees"

SNAPE (to Harry)

In a true act of utter stupidity, I will now take an unnecessarily large amount of points from Gryffindor for something you clearly had nothing to do with, despite the fact that we are nowhere near Hogwarts! I'm a complete cretin! This is funny!

~ We all LAUGH WEAKLY. He does it AGAIN. And AGAIN. And AGAIN. We are ALL getting VERY CRANKY at this display of CONSTANT REPITITION ~

"Butt Ronnie-inky-duddy-snums"

RON

Oh no! They have called me a disgustingly cute name! How humiliating.

"sed 'no! I want too marrie Hairy'. Then we cayne haff they larrgest colecktshun off yelow muckywops inn tha hystorie of frans!"

ALL

.......

~ NOBODY has ANY idea of WHAT IN THE HELL the last sentence said, so the AUTHOR uses CUT and PASTE to insert some of the previous DIALOGUE to mask the AWKWARD GAP. Interestingly enough - we CANNOT tell the difference ~

RON

Every so often, I am contracted to ask why we never need to use the bathroom.

MINERVA

We never go to the toilet in real stories anyway, so why would we care about that in here?

RON

So that the author can make use of the words 'loo' or 'potty' or 'number two'. Plus I have no other role to play in this thing aside from my 'getting hot-headed at Malfoy' and 'What the hell is a [insert muggle thing here]?' bits.

~ RON gets all HOT-HEADED at MALFOY for almost NO reason and they have a FIGHT reminiscent of the one a FEW LINES AGO ~

"then sudenly barney tha pruple dynosore ataked! allong with his frends furby, Brittany speers and the flufy pink bunnys."

HARRY

Well it wouldn't be a proper badfic without us being attacked by random pop culture references and that pink bunny that everybody seems to like writing about, would it?

RON

What the hell is a furby?

HARRY / HERMIONE

For some reason, we are never obligated to tell you exactly what anything is. Instead we simply tell you that it is a 'muggle thing' and expect you to shut up about it.

RON

Okay!

"hary defeeted the evils with his swizzel stik of triumph"

HARRY

Errr....no comment?

~ The CUT and PASTE tools are SMOKING from over-use ~

HARRY

Wow, what a crap story this is. Ummmm...... Hermione?

~ He gives HERMIONE a very DISCREET punch in the FACE ~

HERMIONE

Oh! I almost forgot! It is now time for one of us to completely snap and I am usually one of the first to go.

(deep breath)

Aaaaaaaaaaaargh! The punctuation of line seventeen point five was all wrong! And why can't these authors realise that a semi-comma can only be inverted AFTER a new paragraph has been subvented!! Oh god help meeeee! The idiots! Argh!

~ HERMIONE has a large HISSY FIT in which SEVERAL people are INJURED in a highly CONTRIVED way. A few ZANY antics later, a STRAIGHTJACKET appears on HERMIONE and we are all able to MARVEL at the astounding COMICAL WIT of the AUTHOR ~

SIRIUS

I hate you Snape.

(pause)

I have to say that every few sentences otherwise people forget I'm here.

MALFOY

Mudbloods are crap.

(another pause)

......Me too.

O / S / M VOICE

I am going to insert someone.

TRELAWNEY

I predict things. Watch me be consistently irritating! It's funny I swear!

~ We HATE her ~

EVERYONE

We hate you. Piss off.

~ She DOES ~

ALL

Thank Christ for that!

"and thay all went bak to being gay."

~ Insert more INDIGNANT comments ~

"thay gotted drunk and thee groop maded owt with eech other all daye in thee slyterine dungens until nevil longbum founded them"

~ Even MORE indignation. The AUTHORS originality ASTOUNDS us ~

"then voldymortgage invited them ova for tee and crumpets"

O / S / M VOICE

I'm going to insert someone who will be a complete surprise to you.

HARRY

Its Voldemort isn't it?

O / S / M VOICE

Shit.

~ The aforementioned DARK LORD appears and immediately begins OVER-ACTING. Both the READERS and the CHARACTERS are SCARED, although for totally DIFFERENT reasons ~

VOLDEMORT

Muahahaha! I am hideously ugly and mean! Bow down at my feet and lick my boots! I am evil! Evil I tells ya!

SIRIUS

You don't have a wand you creep.

HARRY

Yeah, you aren't even remotely scary to me now, despite the fact that my head should be hurting like hell right now.

VOLDEMORT

Holy crap! You're right! Lets be friends!

~ He quickly MORPHS from an EVIL OVERLORD into a NICE and PLEASANT guy ~

MINERVA

You are sexy. Let's make out.

~ They fall in LOVE for some odd reason. The AUTHOR avoids the UNBELIVEABLY GROSS mental image that is generated by making them both TEENAGERS ~

O / S / M VOICE

Ha ha ha ha! How are you liking your torture so far?

LUPIN

It's not that bad actually. I mean, if you think about it, this isn't such a bad situation after all. We don't need to work or pay bills or even relieve our waste! We just have to read a dopey story that never actually happened once in awhile! I don't know why everyone's acting so upset about it.

~ LUPIN is chucked out of the room for MAKING SENSE ~

O / S / M VOICE

Don't listen to him. He's just having a bit of PWT.

RON

What's that?

O / S / M VOICE

Pre-Werewolf Tension

"in the end, everyboddy getted marryed. Minnie-nerva mcgonads felled in luv wit snapey-plop, ronny-wonny had an affare with trelawny, hermionineione had sixty hundred babies wit malofy and everywun else dyed of hepatitus bee"

SNAPE

Hey! Lets all over-react!

~ The scene with HERMIONE is REPLAYED only with DIFFERENT people's names INSERTED via the CUT and PASTE tools ~

MALFOY

Please let that be the end. I am so sick of being hit with that same damn chair all the time. Find some more inventive weapons for crying out loud!

"but that wasent thee end!"

ALL

[censored]

"thair wer meny moore adventures to come even tho thay r ded. hehehehe!"

HARRY

Well folks, I guess we'll be here for a long ti-

FANFICTION.NET (bursting in)

Stop! Stop this right now! We don't like these stories!

HERMIONE

Huh?

FANFICTION.NET

These stories are nothing but blatant plagiarism! You take these authors stories and make fun of them! Plagiarism! Take them away!

SNAPE

But isn't that what your website is all about? Stealing other people's ideas and characters? Plagiarism is everywhere on here!

HARRY

Yeah! We belong to JK Rowling! None of the authors here have her permission to use us! And most of the fics in an MST are used with permission from the author anyway!

FANFICTION.NET

Shut up! We're not listening! We don't like them and that's all that matters! Now where's my prune juice?

RON

But -

~ This story is REMOVED for MAKING SENSE ~

[END]