The Ultimate Harry Potter Cliche Catalogue

Cliché #3 - Action/Adventure Fics

[INT: THE DURSLEYS - SUMMER BEFORE 7^TH YEAR]

UNCLE VERNON

Just in case you've forgotten, we don't love you Harry.

~ To EMPHASISE their point further, the DURSLEYS lock HARRY in a FESTERING old cupboard with NO TOILET ~

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[INT: STANKY CUPBOARD OF MAGICAL REPRESSION]

HARRY

Well this is a new low. Things cannot get much worse for me.

~ DOBBY appears ~

HARRY

Note to self - never, ever say that again. What the hell do you want this time Dobby?

DOBBY

Hello Harry Potter. Dobby is here to not tell you things.

~ DOBBY begins to talk in the THIRD PERSON. He is the ONLY one in this damn fanfic who is actually IN CHARACTER. We still DISLIKE him enormously ~

DOBBY

Oh, Dobby is in great peril by being here! But not as much peril as Harry Potter will be in shortly! But Harry Potter must not be allowed to die! Harry Potter is great! Harry Potter is kind!

(pause)

Harry Potter has a nice arse too.....

HARRY

That is disgusting Dobby. Don't ever do that to me again!

DOBBY

Dobby is very sorry sir! But Dobby is being very lonely and if Harry Potter would just -

HARRY

No! Just tell me why you're here!

DOBBY

Ahh! Dobby will be in trouble if he is found! Dobby is a bad elf!

~ DOBBY then proceeds to BEAT the living SNOT out of himself until he is HALF-DEAD ~

HARRY

Oooh .... Déjà vu!!

~ 5 minutes later .... ~

HARRY

Are you finished yet? It's not even vaguely amusing anymore.

~ DOBBY finishes by giving himself the FINGER ~

DOBBY

Yes. Dobby feels much better now.

HARRY

You're a real sadistic little twat aren't you? Can you just give me the message of impending doom and rack off?

DOBBY

Alright.....

(deep breath)

...Bad things will happen this year Harry Potter! He-Whose-Name-Must-Be-Hyphenated has arisen!

~ There is complete SILENCE ~

HARRY

Is that it?

DOBBY

Pretty much

HARRY

I hate you. I hate you so much.

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[INT: SAME PLACE - EXCEPT LATER]

HARRY

Dammit! I really need to pee! Why can't they just let me out?

~ His train of thought is RUDELY interrupted by the sounds of SCREAMING and stuff BLOWING UP. His door is BLOWN UP as well, allowing him to escape - right into the clutches of the DEATH EATER STEREOTYPES ~

D.E #1

I am here to destroy you, filth! Any last words?

D.E #2

Hey Lucius! I thought Master wanted him back alive?

D.E #3

Where did you hear that Goyle? I was told to terminate with extreme prejudice!

D.E #1

Goyle! Avery! Shut up! You're giving away our identities to the enemy!!

D.E #2

But what do we do?

D.E #1

Fuck it, let's just kill the little sod, then have a cappuccino.

~ But of course, HARRY has already managed to ESCAPE thanks to the aid of various DO-GOODERS. The DEATH EATERS are in DEEP SHIT but we don't care because they are EVIL and we HATE them ~

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[INT: HARRY'S DREAM SEQUENCE]

~ Inside HARRY'S dream, there are is a lot of FOG and MIST, in addition to a FOGGY, MISTY PERSON who may or may not be his MOTHER ~

FOG CHICK

Haaaaaaaarrrry! Haaaaaaarrrry! Yoou muuuuust seeeearch for the mysticaaaal aaaamuulet of clichendiaaaaa!

HARRY

Huh? You want me to find the amulet of what? Is that you Mum?

FOG CHICK

Youuuu muuuust fullfiiiill your deeeestiny!

HARRY

Will you quit talking like that already? It's really irritating to read.

FOG CHICK

Sorry kiddo! Anyway, like I was saying. You must fulfil the destiny prophesised at your birth or the world will be doomed to burn in excruciatingly painful burning agony.

HARRY

Jeez, did you graduate from 'Vague' University or what? Could you be a bit more specific? What prophecy?

FOG CHICK

What do I look like? A bloody information kiosk?

HARRY

Could you at least tell me what this amulet looks like?

FOG CHICK

How the hell am I supposed to know? I'm only a dream sequence! Find out for yourself, I'm just the messenger.

~ The dream ENDS and HARRY wakes up. We are NO closer to finding out the PLOT than we were THREE scenes ago ~

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[INT: HOGWARTS - START OF TERM]

HERMIONE

Hey everyone! I'm the new Head Girl!! Neat huh?

~ The READERS all GASP in unison ~

MALFOY

Oh yeah? Well I'm the new Head Boy, even though there is no logical explanation for why Dumbledore would put someone like me in a position of authority.

~ The CHARACTERS act OUTRAGED ~

RON

Well, I'm a prefect. I'm not entirely sure why either, considering that I'm not particularly bright.

HARRY

I will not voice my numerous achievements because I am gracious and humble.

(pause)

*cough* - prefect and Quidditch captain! - *cough*

RON

I am horrendously jealous of you Harry, as per usual, but I will mask it for a few chapters until we have one of our trademark fights.

HARRY

Sounds good to me!

~ HARRY and RON continue to act LOVEABLE and INNOCENT ~

MALFOY

Just out of curiosity, am I good or evil in this thing?

HERMIONE (shrugs)

Neither really. You just act sorta confused all the time and then we give you an ultimatum when we confront the Dark Lord at the end.

MALFOY

Cool, see you then.

~ He VANISHES through a PLOT HOLE, periodically EMERGING to participate in various DUELS, QUIDDITCH GAMES and VERBAL ABUSE RALLIES ~

HARRY

So anyway, back to the plot

RON

What plot?

HARRY

You know. The 'vague, creepy dreams' plot.

RON

What about it?

HARRY

I dunno, seems like we should investigate this mysterious amulet doohickey. Isn't that the kind of thing we do in these situations?

~ HERMIONE goes to the LIBRARY in search of PLOT AIDS while HARRY and RON sit on their ARSES and do NOTHING ~

HARRY

My scar hurts

~ Complete SILENCE. The AUTHOR senses that we are SICK and TIRED of hearing about that damn SCAR, but decides to devote and ENTIRE chapter to it nonetheless ~

REMUS LUPIN

Hey boys! I am the DADA teacher again since the readers all love me and I am ridiculously easy to characterise! I have Snuffles with me too!

SNUFFLES

Woof

LUPIN

By the way Harry, Dumbledore wants to see you in his office. He mentioned something about a prophecy or an ancient curse or some shit.

HARRY

Great! Maybe he knows something about the plot!

LUPIN

Well somebody had better know! I'm bored already and I've only had two lines!

--------------------------------

[INT: DUMBLEDORE'S LAIR]

~ The Headmaster is sitting at his desk. We are CASUALLY reminded of how KNOWINGLY WISE he is ~

DUMBLEDORE

Hello Harry. I am old and sage.

HARRY

I know. I read the last few sentences. Why did you want to see me?

~ DUMBLEDORE looks WEARY ~

DUMBLEDORE

Since this is your last year, I have decided to spill the beans on why Voldemort wanted to kill you.

~ Crackly TENSION fills the air. This is the moment we have ALL been waiting for, since the beginning of BOOK ONE ~

DUMBLEDORE

Brace yourself Harry! You are.....

~ There is an OVERLY long DRAMATIC PAUSE ~

DUMBLEDORE (cont'd)

......the Heir of Gryffindor!!

~ We all GAPE in COLLECTIVE SHOCK at this AMAZING REVELATION ~

HARRY

I've been waiting seven years for that?! What the hell does that have to do with anything?!

DUMBLEDORE

Quite a lot actually! You see, only the Heir of Gryffindor can kill the Heir of Slytherin and vice versa!

HARRY

That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. You mean to say that I'm the only one that can kill Voldemort?

DUMBLEDORE

Yes, exactly! Why else would I have spent so much time trying to keep you safe for the past 17 years? Normally, I would have just let you die.

HARRY

So then why hasn't he been able to kill me before? And don't go giving me that stupid 'love can defeat anything' crap again, I wasn't born yesterday.

DUMBLEDORE

Voldemort needs the Ancient Amulet of Clichendia to be able to kill you. You need it to be able to kill him.

~ We all PAUSE briefly to PONDER the sheer STUPIDITY of this concept ~

HARRY

Do you know where it is?

DUMBLEDORE

Yes, but I think I'm going to let you figure it out for yourself so that I can prove, once again, how much of a cretin I am for not using my expansive knowledge to save innocent lives.

HARRY

Yeah! What the hell was up with that in the first book? If you were going to destroy the bloody thing anyway, why did you wait until AFTER I had already risked my butt?

DUMBLEDORE

I dunno, just for shits and giggles I suppose

~ DUMBLEDORE then proceeds to DIE in an extremely CONTRIVED way, leaving HARRY to face the EVIL alone. ~

---------------------------------

[INT: SOMEWHERE WITH GRYFFINDORS]

HERMIONE

Hey team! I managed to find out some great stuff on the mystical dark object thingie!

HARRY

Swell. I found out some stuff on the plot and how to kill Voldemort!

RON

Erm....I ate chips and punched Malfoy in the nose!

~ The STANDARD polite GOLF CLAPS are heard ~

GINNY

I have no idea what's going on, so I just read some magazines! Can somebody tell me something? Maybe give me some more lines? Hello? Anyone? Helloooo?

~ There is a short LAPSE in the story while the CHARACTERS all CRY at the loss of DUMBLEDORE, closely followed by a SOPPY FUNERAL scene ~

RON

Well, now that we have that out of our systems, Hermione can tell us what the Amulet looks like.

~ She opens an incredibly IMPORTANT ANCIENT book called 'Defeating Evil for Dummies' ~

HERMIONE

Okay then! It is a solid gold medallion depicting a lion and a snake stabbing each other with pitchforks with the inscription 'Die, you vicious bastard, die' written on it in Latin.

~ The TRIO follow some very TRICKY and COMPLICATED CLUES that appear out of NOWHERE until they eventually FIND the amulet in some sort of SECRET CHAMBER. This takes an average of THIRTEEN CHAPTERS to complete. Unfortunately, this is NOT EVEN CLOSE to being the END ~

HARRY

I'm sick of this. Lets just play Quidditch for awhile.

------------------------------------

[EXT: THE QUIDDITCH FIELD OR WHATEVER IT IS]

~ HARRY makes an INSPIRING speech to his team-mates, who are mainly comprised of PEOPLE CLOSE TO HARRY, with a few CREEVEYS thrown in ~

RON / GINNY

I got on the team with talent I swear! It's not because we're good friends with the captain! Really!

READERS

Bullshit

HARRY

This is a very important game. In fact, it's the grand final despite the fact that it's the first game mentioned. And of course it's against Slytherin so we must win and show the world how brave and righteous we are!

MALFOY

Up yours Potter! I will win for sure!

~ He DOESN'T ~

-------------------------------

[INT: EVIL DEATH EATER BASE OF EVIL]

VOLDEMORT

We must get the Amulet from Potter before he figures out how to use it! I must send one of my minions to Hogwarts to fetch it!

LUCIUS MALFOY

Ooooh! I'll do it your evilness!

VOLDEMORT

Fine. Just don't fuck it up.

~ Lucius COMPLETELY SCREWS IT SIDEWAYS. So do the TWELVE others sent after him, including THAT WORM GUY WE HATE. They have all been DEFEATED by HARRY ~

HARRY

I'm getting pretty good at this huh?

-----------------------------

[INT: ANNUAL DO-GOODER CONVENTION]

HARRY

Hey! Let's form some kind of good magical army to defeat the Death Eaters!

THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX

Can we actually be in it this time?

HERMIONE

Sure! Everybody can! Except for Ginny, because she's too young!

GINNY

Damn! Why does this always happen to me?

SIRIUS

Sweet! A talking line! Let's go and kick the shit out of them!

McGONAGALL

Does anybody actually know where they hang out?

~ SNAPE manages to look SINISTER and HONOURABLE at the same time ~

SNAPE

I do! I'm a secret spy remember! Plus I used to be one of them before I turned to the light side. See! Dumbledore TOLD you I was good, so nyeah!

~ Every single good CHARACTER EVER INVENTED with the exception of GINNY follows SNAPE to EVIL HEADQUARTERS ~

------------------------------

[INT: EVIL DEATH EATER BASE OF EVIL]

~ The ARMY OF LIGHT bursts in SUDDENLY and begins KILLING bad people. The AUTHOR makes sure to state that this is a MORALLY CORRECT action to take and not at all BAD. We LOVE the ARMY OF LIGHT and want them to WIN ~

RON

Aaaaaargh! Harry! I am dying slowly even though the Killing Curse works instantly! Please get help even though there is no cure! Please cry even though I will probably live, despite the odds!

~ RON appears to DIE and we are SHOCKED and SAD ~

HARRY

Damn! I am soooo killing Voldemort right now!

NEVILLE

Hey look at me everyone! I am finally doing something right! The Death Eaters will now feel the wrath of Longbottom!

(sniff)

I wish mum and dad were here!

~ Everyone within a FIVE metre radius wants to HUG NEVILLE ~

THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX

Yessss! We finally get to do something even though we're not entirely sure who we are!

LUPIN

Oh shit! Wormtail has just tragically stabbed me with his silver arm! As a werewolf, surely I am done for!

~ Meanwhile, HARRY is DUELING with VOLDEMORT in a scene strangely SIMILAR to the one in STAR WARS ~

VOLDEMORT

Give me the amulet you little tosser!

HARRY

Fuck off! As if I would! Now shut up! I need to avenge my parents here!

~ He uses the ANCIENT AMULET of CLICHENDIA to OBLITERATE the evil LORD VOLDEMORT forever. Exactly HOW he already knew how to use it REMAINS a mystery ~

HARRY

Cool! I won! I bet none of you saw that one coming huh?

RON

Wow, turns out I didn't die after all! What a simply spiffing bit of luck!

LUPIN

Neither did I!

SIRIUS

Speaking of luck, my name just got cleared for absolutely no reason!

HERMIONE

Great! Everything is now completely perfect! Let's live happily ever after!

~ They DO ~

[THE END]

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[EPILOGUE]

~ All of the EVIL PEOPLE are now DEAD and/or in AZKABAN. The DO-GOODERS are living in SPLENDOUR and HARMONY and MALFOY is living in SPAIN after RUNNING away. He now sells door-to-door CARPET INSURANCE ~

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Rah rah. Wasn't that fun kiddies? I've only recently noticed how screwed up my formatting is. I swear, it didn't have such big gaps when I wrote it.

The next chapter concerns MST's. If you don't know what it is and have never read one, you won't have a clue what is going on, although you still may get a laugh out of the random capitalisation.

Love and cocktails to all those who reviewed!