The Ultimate Harry Potter Cliche Catalogue

Cliché #2 - Weird Humor Fics

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[INT: HOGWARTS - RANDOM LOCATION]

HARRY

Hey everyone! I am in a humor fic this time, so I am constantly talking in a non-sensical hyperactive way! But then again, so does every other character here!

RON

Damn straight Harry! But you forgot to mention the fact that everything we say is punctuated by several exclamation points!!!!!

HERMIONE

What the hell do you two think you're doing!?!? NOBODY in humor stories talk in actual coherent sentences!! Shame on you!

HARRY

Holy crap!!! You're right!!

RON

Enough introductions!! Let the crazy shenanigans begin!!!!!!!!

~ The HUGE, GAPING PLOTHOLES open for business and the 'story' begins ~

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[EXT: CRAZY, OFF-THE-WALL SCENE #1]

RON

I am talking complete crap! Wooble - bottom! The evil lobster belly dancers are after me!! Schtoom schtoom! Hahahaha! This makes no sense! Isn't this funny!?!

~ All of the INTELLIGENT READERS click on the 'Back' button ~

HERMIONE

I am using words that I do not normally use!! Shit! Bugger! Anus! This is funny also! Hahahaha!

~ The REMAINING READERS are very IMPRESSED with the AUTHOR'S incredible COMIC WIT ~

SNAPE

Look at me! I am dressed up as a WOMAN!! Look at how horribly out of character I am!!! Whoopee!!!! I bet none of you saw that coming!!!

HARRY

Wow! I never knew you had such great legs professor!! Wanna make out or something?

DRACO (squealing)

Oooh, I just ADORE your lipstick!

~ We are all SHOCKED with this ORIGINAL and UNPREDICTABLE storyline of having HARRY and most of the MALE population turn out to be GAY and in DRAG ~

VOLDEMORT

Hey silly buns, you forgot about me! You all see me as an evil and malevolent dictator of senseless violence! But in this story I'm just misunderstood! I am really a sensitive and caring guy!!

(pause)

Group hug!!!!

~ Everybody joins together in a happy, caring CUDDLE. The READERS are beginning to get very FRIGHTENED. ~

DUMBLEDORE

Strangely enough, I am pretty much acting exactly the same as I normally do! Watch out for the Mutant Potato Man!! He has come to steal my Cowboy Dirk underwear!!!

THE REST OF THE TEACHING STAFF

Wooooooooooooo! Party down!!!! Let's paint the walls pink!!!

~ They all get DRUNK and go CLOG DANCING ~

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[INT: : CRAZY, OFF-THE-WALL SCENE #2]

THE AUTHOR

Look! I am going to insert myself!! Watch!

~ She/he DOES ~

THE AUTHOR

Hehehehehehehe! I have eaten too much SUGAR!! I can feel it running through my veins!!! That is why I am acting overly annoying and possibly criminal way!!!

~ The AUTHOR continues to make random statements, usually concerning the amount of SUGAR they have consumed or the VOICES invading their head. This becomes incredibly repetitive until we want to SMASH the screen apart in EXTREME FRUSTRATION ~

NEVILLE

Whoa dude. I am soo fuckin' stoned man. This is so totally out of my character. This is trippy man, totally killer.

RON

What's up with you Neville!!!!?!!!! - Mullet!! - You look like you're about to pass out!! - Walrus!!! - Cheese!!

~ RON makes some more REPETITIVE yet HILARIOUS statements concerning BANANAS. ~

EASILY ENTERTAINED READERS

This is a comedy goldmine! Add to favourites! Add to favourites!

NEVILLE

I'm jus' smokin' some weed, mah g dawgg! You wanna hit this shit?

~ NEVILLE offers RON his comically large JOINT. Once again, this is obviously FUNNY and CONTROVERISIAL, as HP characters would NEVER do such things ~

RON

Nah, that's not really my thing. I'm just supposed to yell random things for absolutely no - PINEAPPLE! - reason.

NEVILLE

Whatever dude, peace out!

~ Suddenly, the EVIL, MIND-CONTROLLING COFFEE-FLAVORED OMLETTE ALIENS attack the school!!! ~

HERMIONE

Shit, fuck, turd, arse!!!

GINNY

That's not funny Hermione! Turets Syndrome is a serious condition and shouldn't be made fun of!!!

~ The READERS all ignore GINNY, as they are too busy laughing at the use of all those NAUGHTY words ~

EVIL, MIND-CONTROLLING COFFEE-FLAVORED OMLETTE ALIEN #1

Muahahahaha! We have come all the way from the Gamma Wuzzgam Alpha Sector to destroy all of your chocolate milk!!!!

NEVILLE

Dude ...... not cool.

~ HARRY immediately defeats the monsters with a LEMON sticky-taped to a DUCK. We all LAUGH HEARTILY at this WITTY plot twist ~

DRACO

Hooray! We have survived the alien threat! Now we can continue our wacky hijinx!!

READERS

(groan)

CEDRIC DIGGORY

Whooooo! Look at me! I am back from beyond the grave!

~ The READERS grow MISTY-EYED at the mention of POOR, DEAD CEDRIC. ~

CEDRIC

........ And I'm in drag too!

~ The READERS forget to be SAD and CHUCKLE at this HILARIOUS concept, despite the fact that it has already happened TWELVE TIMES ~

RON

Poodle!!

HERMIONE

Bastard!!

NEVILLE

Whoa ..... my feet are HUGE. Dude!

HARRY / DRACO / SNAPE

Your eyeshadow is simply divine dah-ling!! Heeheehee! Look at how comically gay we are!!!! Check it out! Laugh damn you! Laugh!!!!!!

ALL

Laugh you idiots!! Bow down to our highly advanced brand of humor!! We are funny!!!

~ The AUTHOR continues to jam these storylines down our throats for another 4 pages. It is PAINFUL. We want to DIE. Eventually, every single character in existence is either KILLED by a crazed lumberjack with five arms or MARRIED off to the STUPIDEST partner possible. This is presumably the END, until..... ~

THE AUTHOR

I'm baaaaack! I bet you thought I'd gone huh? But you cannot keep me down!! I've had twenty-seven cans of Pepsi!! Hahahahaha! I have another fifty three chapters planned, in which they will ALL come back to life and do roughly the same thing - only naked!!!

~ Fortunately, the AUTHOR'S MOTHER comes downstairs at this point and makes the AUTHOR go to bed OR commits her to a LUNATIC asylum. Either way, we are safe ...... but for how long? ~

[END]