The Ultimate Harry Potter Cliche Catalogue

Cliché #1 - Romance Fics

[EXT: PLATFORM 9 ¾ - FIFTH YEAR]

HARRY POTTER

I am deeply traumatised. I have no proper family and wear dorky glasses. There is an evil madman out for my blood. I am very melancholy. Please drive this wand through my skull.

~ HERMIONE and ASSORTED WEASLEYS arrive ~

RON WEASLEY

Hello Harry. How was your summer?

~ HARRY looks SAD. The readers immediately want to COMFORT him ~

HERMIONE GRANGER

Hello Harry. I have developed a lot during the summer. Please notice my new womanly figure.

~ HARRY does. This CHEERS him up. He has apparently FORGOTTEN his crappy life because he is now IN LOVE ~

GINNY WEASLEY

Hey Harry. I still love you, but I have changed also. I no longer look twelve. Perhaps you will like me more now.

~ He DOES. HARRY now has a HUGE problem. The new, improved group boards the HOGWARTS EXPRESS ~

RON

I am no longer dirt poor. My brothers have made an abnormal amount of money in just 12 weeks and we are now rich as hell. By astonishing coincidence, I am now good-looking and totally buff.

~ HERMIONE is now completely SMITTEN with RON. HARRY is quite UPSET by this ~

HARRY

Wait Hermione, I am very wealthy too and I am also quite muscular now!

~ The AUTHOR introduces the readers to HARRY'S new MUSCLES. There are more DISCREET references to how HOT and RICH everybody is. We are all very IMPRESSED by this. ~

HERMIONE

Oh dash it all! I am now hopelessly torn between two lovers. What an original concept.

~ Suddenly, MALFOY enters the compartment. The AUTHOR uses a variety of BAD SIMILIES to describe him. VARIOUS people SWOON ~

DRACO MALFOY

Hello all. In a complete contradiction to my entire personality up until this point, I will now proceed to redeem myself despite the fact that I have been a total arsehole for most of my life.

~ He DOES. This is all COMPLETELY BELIEVEABLE, as people often CHANGE DRAMATICALLY in the span of eight weeks for NO REASON. Everybody has conveniently forgotten that he is probably a DEATH EATER and they are now all BEST FRIENDS ~

MALFOY

Now that we are all buddies, you must all call me by my first name and I shall do the same for you. Please ignore the fact that this is incredibly unnecessary.

~ They all say each other's FIRST NAMES whilst the intelligent readers try hard not to VOMIT ~

DRACO

Excellent! Now if you'll excuse me, I must go and sever all ties with my family.

GINNY

Hurrah! Now we can drive around in van solving mysteries like those people on muggle TV shows!

~ Everybody IGNORES her. They stand around looking RICH and YOUTHFULLY RADIANT. Everybody around them is JEALOUS and AVERAGE ~

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[INT: HOGWARTS - GREAT HALL ]

~ The SORTING HAT is brought out. The AUTHOR makes a LAME EXCUSE to avoid having to write a RHYMING SONG. The readers are quite RELIEVED. Some nameless FIRST - YEARS are sorted to make HOGWARTS sound like a REAL SCHOOL ~

HERMIONE (pointedly)

I wonder if we will meet any strange, attractive new fifth years with exotic powers this year.

~ Right on CUE, the doors FLY open and the aforementioned character strides through and stops in front of DUMBLEDORE. She is obviously DARK and ENIGMATIC and also extremely SMART and PERFECT, which is a COMPLETE CONTRADICTION when you think about it. She OOZES GOODNESS and every male within 2 miles instantly falls IN LOVE with her. ~

MARY-SUE

Greetings everyone. I am here to complicate everything even further! My purpose is to confuse the readers with my detailed and illogical past, as well as to win the hearts of everyone here. Quick! Describe my smile!

~ The AUTHOR describes, not only her GLEAMING smile, but also every single one of her PERFECT features. We immediately HATE Mary-Sue and want to KILL her. ~

MARY-SUE

By the way Harry, I'm your long-lost twin sister who was abandoned at birth for future plot reasons.

HARRY

Does that mean we can't be 'more than friends'?

DUMBLEDORE

Since this is the only line I'll get in this story, I might as well make the most of it.

Never trust a man who keeps a handkerchief in his loincloth.

~ Since this is DUMBLDORE talking, it is obviously very DEEP and MEANINGFUL and WISE, so everybody listens attentively. The WONDERFUL Mary-Sue is sorted into GRYFFINDOR where all the HEROES live. ~

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[INT: HOGWARTS - UNKNOWN TIME ]

~ It has quickly become OBVIOUS to everybody that a MASSIVE LOVE TRIANGLE / SQUARE / PENTAGON has developed. Unsurprisingly, RON is still too much of a complete CRETIN to have noticed this fact, despite being right in the MIDDLE of it. ~

HARRY

I am so conflicted. I am currently dating Ginny and conducting a mad, secret love-affair with Hermione while she is dating Ron and liking Draco at the same time! Who should I choose?

CHO CHANG

Hello Harry. In this story, I will act like a complete slut for absolutely no good reason. This is probably due to the fact that most writers hate me and want to see me raped by mad gorillas and tied to a dead elephant for 27 years.

~ CHO acts like a total BITCH and sleeps with EVERYTHING that MOVES and even some things that DON'T. The readers HATE her and want her to DIE ~

HERMIONE

Oh dear. Things certainly are complicated around here. How can I tell Ron that I'm seeing Harry, Draco AND Professor Snape behind his back?

RON

...Wha?

HERMIONE

Nothing Ron, go back to sleep.

~ People continue to CHEAT and LIE to each other and have extremely DEEP conversations that can last PAGES and end up NOWHERE. NONE of the main characters have SEX because they are in LOVE and RESPECT each other ~

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[INT: GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM]

~ GINNY is talking SERIOUSLY with SEAMUS FINNIGAN and COLIN CREEVY ~

GINNY

I just don't think I can continue this relationship with the both of you anymore. You are simply not rich and hot enough for me. I need time alone to think about some things.

~ She leaves, presumably to FIND her INNER SELF, but is inevitably distracted by one of her SEVEN other love interests . COLIN begins to CRY and SEAMUS tries to KILL himself in a fit of jealousy. ~

DRACO

Why the hell am I even in the Gryffindor common room?

(pause)

Nevermind, I am here to sort out my unresolved feelings for Ron. Hopefully Hermione, Ginny and Harry will understand that he is my one true love.

RON

...Wha?

DRACO

Forget it, I've changed my mind.

HERMIONE

Good, because I have come to realise a few things lately. Firstly, I thought that I was in love with Ron, but it was really just an expression of my childhood desires that had manifested itself to settle my inner psyche.

RON

...Wha?

HERMIONE (cont'd)

...But getting involved with Harry and Ginny instead was just a way of relieving the stress of my twelve other simultaneous relationships with Draco, Neville, Snape and the Hufflepuff Quidditch team.

~ HERMIONE continues to sound like a really BAD episode of DAWSONS CREEK until everybody is completely LOST ~

HARRY

Dang, this looks like the part where we all confess our true feelings openly. I had some really good lies planned too.

~ Luckily, LORD VOLDEMORT has chosen this EXACT moment to ATTACK the school and the HEROIC GRYFFINDORS must defeat him ~

THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX

Hey! Where the hell is our part? Isn't this story about the events of fifth year? Where the hell are we? We should at least be in this scene!

HARRY

Bugger off, I'm running this show.

~ VOLDEMORT cackles EVILLY for no reason other than DRAMATIC EFFECT ~

VOLDEMORT

Muhahahaha! I will now continue my horrendously evil plot to destroy you Harry Potter! But first, I must pointlessly threaten the life of your one true love, so that we may have a needlessly sappy ending to this cheese-filled plot.

HARRY

Fuck you.

VOLDEMORT

I'll deal with you later Potter. Now! Which one of you is Harry's true love?

HARRY

It's Hermione ... no, wait .... Draco ... hold on a sec - it's Ginny isn't it? Ooooh ... I should *know* this one!

HERMIONE

Why the hell would we tell you anyway?

VOLDEMORT

Because of this!

~ VOLDIE grabs the nearest Gryffindor, who happens to be GINNY, and holds his WAND to her throat in a THREATENING manner. GINNY is scared and WAIF-LIKE ~

RON

Oh crap, why does that always happen?

~ The SAPPY READERS are staring at the screen in DISGUST ~

SAPPY READERS

This is soooo unromantic.

DRACO

I am so conflicted. Do I betray my ugly, sadistic master or my loving, wonderful friends? Which should I choose?

GINNY

You dipshits! Save me!

EVERYONE

Alright!

~ The room ERUPTS in an ORGY of HEROIC, SACRIFICING actions, in which VOLDEMORT is inevitably DEFEATED. Everybody is given MEDALS and five TRILLION points for their houses ~

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[INT: HOGWARTS -A FEW DAYS LATER]

HARRY

Hooray! During that sequence of semi-unrelated scenes, we have all resolved our emotional issues and can now coexist peacefully!

HERMIONE

And to top it all off - Cho Chang was hit with the killing curse in the fight against Voldemort!

~ The READERS, CHARACTERS and the AUTHOR all cheer - except for the CHO fans who form a PLOT on the AUTHOR'S life ~

RON

What shall we do now?

DRACO

I know! Let's frolic in the sunshine!

~ They all skip off into the distance with their LOVING PARTNERS and live happily ever after, until the next year, when the WHOLE thing happens again ~

MARY-SUE

Hey! What the hell happened to me? I just disappeared in the middle of the parody! Everyone! This is badly written! Don't read anym-

[THE END]