The Greasy-Haired Git and the Bad Rhyming Fit

Part the Third: The Defense Against the Dark Arts Teachers

"Ev'ry year Dumbly goes out on a mission
To once again fill up the DADA position.
His choices have been, shall we say, quite erratic,
ev'ry appointment has been problematic.

"The first of the lot was that turbaned chap, Quirrel
With a stuttering tongue and a face like a squirrel.
They think I have eyes on the back of my head -
Well, he really did! And now he is dead.

"That Gilderoy Lockhart was horrid, I swear
Even if he had rather nice teeth and nice hair
(Think I have hair envy? Uh-uh, not me.
I think the Goth look suits me to a T!)

"I snickered with glee when he asked me to duel.
As I said before, I'm not purposely cruel,
but I must confess that it quite made my day
to send that dork flying a long, long, long way,

and then watch him land with a sickening thump -
he spent a few days putting ice on his rump.
And later, when I most politely did proffer
to help him again - he turned down the offer!

"I later drew horns, pimples, and a goatee
on the front-cover photo of "Magical Me".
The vain, pompous popinjay now does reside
in a ward in St. Mungo's, his synapses fried.

"Next there was Lupin, a former Marauder
(more on those later, that topic is broader
Than fits in with my stated topic du jour)-
Like each of those four, he was quite immature

and never grew up; I kept having to say
that students do not make good lycanthrope prey.
But would he listen? No! To my disgust
three of my students almost bit the dust!

"It was at that point I decided to mention
that he is a werewolf (which got their attention.)
And then he got fired - which pleased me a bunch.
It just isn't right to eat students for lunch.

"Next in the line-up: the wiz with the Eye,
Alastor Moody, a paranoid guy,
a famous old Auror, a well-known old grouch -
Except that he turned out to be Barty Crouch.

"The real Mad-Eye was locked up in a trunk
I tell you, to find out that fact really stunk.
(I think at this point I would support a motion
on the broad-reaching ban of all Polyjuice Potion.)

"The next in the bunch was a Ministry pawn:
Sadistic, pink-cardiganed She-devil spawn.
She placed me on probation! Probation! For me!
I wanted to hex her to South Tennessee!

"I hated that witch - well, I hate everyone,
but that nasty old Umbridge I hated a ton!
I have to confess that it caused me elation
to see her laid up with a centaur fixation.

"I don't know why Dumbledore just cannot see
That the logical choice for the job is, well, me!
I've asked him for years, but he won't see the light.
I guess for a headmaster he ain't too bright.

"Gollum? The Tooth Fairy? Maybe Darth Vader?
A demon-possessed Elvis Impersonator?
Who will he hire next year? I can't say.
But I'm sure that his choice will be cause for dismay.