The Greasy-Haired Git and the Bad Rhyming Fit

The Greasy-Haired Git and the Bad Rhyming Fit

Part the First: Students

He lives in the dungeon, the greasy-haired git.
"My students are awful," he says in a snit.
"They blow up their cauldrons, they drive me insane,
they have a big mouth and a very small brain.

"There's the Longbottom boy, the blundering fool,
who would be enough to make me quit this school.
I'm not purposely mean, but the boy is a twit,
completely and utterly lacking in wit.

"He mangles the simplest potion, you see.
He can't tell a shrivelfig from a winged pea,
Whatever you teach him, it doesn't get through,
if you had to teach him, you'd loathe the boy, too.

"Talking of hate - there's the Potter boy, Harry:
Obstinate, full of himself, and contrary.
"Harry, our hero," they whimper and boast -
the kid's as appealing as toe jam on toast.

"Dumbledore thinks that I don't understand him.
That isn't the problem. I'd just like to send him
per Portkey to the Canadian prairie.
You'd want to, too, if you had to teach Harry.

"Part of the group is Hermione Granger
The one who keeps Longbottom's nose out of danger.
She has the brains that her male friends are lacking,
If I could keep her, I'd send all the rest packing.

"It's not that she's pretty, or witty, or tall
She's a show-off and insuff'rable know-it-all.
But in case of a marriage law, or forced adoption,
Hermione is the most suitable option.

"As far as the Weasley boy, he is a zero,
Sidekick to Potter's deplorable hero.
Red hair and Quidditch, intelligence: small,
If you've seen one Weasley, you've seen them all.

"You can take every gangly, hormonal teenager
- exempting the brilliant Hermione Granger -
And send them to Cleveland or Northern Peru.
If you were their teacher, you'd send them there, too."

Part the Second: Love Life.

"Enough about students, now what about me?
There's more to this greasy-haired git than you see.
The heart of a lion, the looks of a bat -
The first part? Don't tell the Gryffindors that.

"I'm really not ugly, the good looks are there,
if you can just disregard nose, teeth, and hair.
Attractiveness standards, they vary by culture.
There must be some place where they cherish a vulture?

"Hooked nose, sallow skin, a billowing cloak,
some witch out there must fancy those in a bloke?
I'm willing to travel, no matter how far,
to find me a woman who is up to par.

"Because here at Hogwarts, the pickings are slim -
Look at the professors, the picture is grim!
Minerva's too old and turns into a cat,
and I am allergic, so that, folks, is that.

"Trelawney? Good heavens, the woman's a joke.
One look at her is enough to provoke
the most violent dislike - don't know what it is...
The bangles? The constant attempts to French-kiss

every male who shows even the least bit attention?
She once caught old Lupin, I'd just like to mention.
It took ten hellish minutes to make his escape.
His boggart now takes a Trelawney-ish shape.

"Hooch is too Hooch-y, Sprout's too rotund,
Vector's so ugly it leaves a man stunned.
(And I know about ugly; believe me, I do.)
Pince is as exciting as wallpaper glue.

"For a starry-eyed twit, Sinistra's not bad
Even if she is slightly deranged and half mad.
But the one major drawback (it makes me quite sick)
is that she has a Hagrid-sized crush on Flitwick.

"I wish JK would write a girlfriend for me,
instead I get stuck with some loathsome OC.
My love-life is just such a perfect disaster -
Couldn't Miss Granger grow up a bit faster?"