- Rating:
- R
- House:
- Riddikulus
- Characters:
- Draco Malfoy Harry Potter Oliver Wood
- Genres:
- Humor Parody
- Era:
- Multiple Eras
- Spoilers:
- Philosopher's Stone Chamber of Secrets Prizoner of Azkaban Goblet of Fire Order of the Phoenix Quidditch Through the Ages Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them
- Stats:
-
Published: 01/11/2004Updated: 08/02/2004Words: 14,801Chapters: 7Hits: 7,361
The Very Secret LiveJournals
Arrmaitee
- Story Summary:
- SLASH! PARODY! These raunchy journal entries expose the burning, secret``thoughts and desires of Hogwarts’ sex-crazed students and staff! Warning:``contains excessive references to Harry’s eyes, Draco’s cherry, cold showers,``kinky leather goodies, and a virgin sacrifice for Uncle Voldie!
Chapter 06
- Chapter Summary:
- SLASH! PARODY! These raunchy journal entries expose the burning, secret thoughts and desires of Hogwarts’ sex-crazed students and staff! Warning: contains excessive references to Harry’s eyes, Draco’s cherry, Wood’s panties, Vaseline, rope, cold showers, kinky leather goodies, and a virgin sacrifice for Uncle Voldie!
- Posted:
- 05/23/2004
- Hits:
- 770
- Author's Note:
- Inspired by and Dedicated to Cassandra Claire.
My Very Secret LiveJournal
by
Hermione Granger
1991-92
POST
1: [opening window]
An owl just flew into my bedroom and it had a letter tied to its leg!
What was the Royal Mail thinking?
I mean... I know they are in the middle of a budget crisis but...
THIS IS EXPLOITATION!!!
THIS IS ANIMAL CRUELTY!!!
This is a violation of International
Treaties for the
Protection of Feathered Friends!!!
Current Mood: Outraged
Comment: Look bitch, untie the god
damn letter!
I am working overtime to feed my family
and it would be nice to see my kids!
Now give me a fucking owl treat!
- The Owl
Reply: The NERVE of those damn
union employees!
Well fine, I'll untie the bloody letter!
But you're not getting any owl treats!
Umm... what are owl treats?
-
Hermione
Comment: I HATE MUGGLE-BORNS!
- The Owl
------------------
POST 2: [opening letter]
Dear Miss Granger,
We are pleased to inform you that you
have been
accepted into Hogwarts School of
Witchcraft and Wizardry.
We realize that your admission has the following implications:
1) Yes, this does mean that you will have to give up your lifelong
dream of being the first girl admitted to study at Eton.
2) No, you do not have a choice in the matter.
3) Yes, this does mean that you are a witch.
4) No, your parents do not know this yet.
5) Yes, you will have to break the news to them.
6) No, not while they are handling sharp dental tools...
Yours sincerely,
Minerva McGonagall
Deputy Headmistress
Current Mood: Stunned
Comment: Hermione
dear,
Is that your acceptance letter from Eton?
After you graduated first in your class from Kindergarten
and scored in the 99.999999999999th percentile on the
Common Entrance Examinations, I just knew you'd be admitted.
- Mrs. Granager
Reply: Umm... Mum... you might wanna put the drill down.
- Hermione
------------------
POST
3: Just got home from the
hospital.
Mum finally woke up from her coma.
Dad finally recovered from his quadruple bypass.
I'm glad my parents took the news well.
Read Hogwarts, A History.
Packed my trunk for school.
Reread Hogwarts, A History.
Took a cab to King's Cross Station.
Read Hogwarts, A History again during the cab ride.
Barfed all over Hogwarts, A History.
Current Mood: I hate motion sickness.
Comment: D'you... uh... need some help back there?
- Cabdriver
Reply:
Scourgify!
- Hermione [pointing her wand at the book]
Comment: HOLY
SHIT!!!
- Cabdriver
Reply:
Obliviate!
- Hermione [pointing her wand at the cabdriver]
Comment: Huh!
I like toothpaste.
Do you have any bell peppers?
- Cabdriver
Reply:
Oh, these simple spells do work!
- Hermione
------------------
POST 4: Received the following owl from the Ministry of Magic:
Dear Miss Granger:
We have intelligence that two spells
were cast in your cab at 10:35 AM on
September 1st. One spell was in the presence of, and the other was on, a muggle.
The fact that he was an irritating Cockney is not a good defense. These
violations
of the Decree for the Reasonable Restriction of Underage Sorcery and the
International Confederation of Warlocks' Statute of Secrecy are inexcusable,
especially since you read Hogwarts, A History almost three times!
In order to expunge these serious
offenses from your record, you will be assigned a
very secret mission from the Ministry. I know it might sound ridiculous
that
we would assign you a secret mission as a result of your egregious actions,
but this is an OOC slash fanfic,
so deal with it.
Your "very secret mission" is to find
Harry Potter and ensure that he does not
have sex with ANYONE while he is a student at Hogwarts.
If he manages to shag a person, creature or thing while at school, then, as
punishment,
you will have to bang that person, creature or thing, as well.
Hopefully, you will find this assignment agreeable. Otherwise, you will be expelled.
Best regards,
Minister Fudge
Current Mood: Horrified
Comment: Sucks to
be you... literally.
- Percy
Reply: B-b-b-b-but... can't I just do community service?
- Hermione
Comment: You are
doing the community a service!
- Minister Fudge
------------------
POST
5: Arrived at Platform 9 3/4.
Boarded the Hogwarts Express.
Rumor had it that Harry Potter was already on the train.
Slid open Harry's compartment door.
Made up some silly excuse about looking for Neville's lost toad.
Met Harry Potter.
THOSE EYES!
Harry was seated next to this dirty, redheaded quiff
who was trying to turn his pet rat into a gerbil.
Ewwwwww...
I think the redhead fancies Harry.
THERE'S NO WAY I'M FUCKING THE REDHEAD!
Current Mood: Adamant
Comment: [barging
into the compartment
carrying a monogrammed leather paddle]
Merlin's beard, it's Harry Potter!
This is the love of my life!
My one true whipping boy!
HE MUST BE DISCIPLINED!!!
- Draco
Reply: Stop!!! Stop!!! Stop this at once!
There's no way I am fucking YOU either!
Put that paddle down!!!
I... I will curse you if you even ATTEMPT... OWW!!!
- Hermione
------------------
POST
6: Harry, Ron and I were sorted
into Gryffindor.
George suggested that we hold a special initiation ceremony for Harry!
Fred started a waiting list for the First Official Harry Potter Gangbang.
56 Gryffindors signed up.
WHAT?!!! THAT'S OUTRAGEOUS!!!
I WILL NOT FUCK 56 GRYFFINDORS!!!
I didn't even know that there were 56 Gryffindors!
I'll curse you all if you even DARE to ATTEMPT!!!!
Current Mood: Fuming
Comment: Calm down, sweetheart.
You won't have to shag all 56 people on the same day!
Think of it as a form of office hours for physical education!
- Wood
Reply: That's it! I'm jinxing the list!!!
I'm jinxing the bloody list!!!
AND I KNOW THE PERFECT IMPOTENCY SPELL!!!
- Hermione
Comment: IMPOTENCY?!!!!!!
YOU WOULDN'T DARE THREATEN OUR MANHOOD!!!!!!
- Fred and George
Comment: YEAH... YOU
WOULDN'T DARE... or would you?
Umm... guys... I think that bird is crazy...
Why don't we just forget the gangbang and have a threesome in the
Boy's Locker Room. I only have an hour until my "appointment" with
Minerva.
- Wood
------------------
POST
7: First year Gryffindor-Slytherin Double Potions class.
OH MY GOD, THE POTIONS MASTER IS SEXY!!!
I suddenly feel a greasy, tingling sensation around my unbuttered biscuit...
I WANT TO MOUNT HIS SALLOW, SCRAWNY BODY!!!
But that's not all I want...
I know that Snape is the Grand Master of a 500 year
old Secret Society that is
so powerful that it could change the name of wizardry forever!
I will infiltrate the organization and learn its secrets!
Current Mood: Calculating
Comment: Umm
Hermione... I didn't know you were so interested in...
the
Death Eaters.
- Harry
Reply: I'm not talking about the Death Eaters,
Harry.
This society is much more excusive...
- Hermione
Comment: You mean
there's another scary, secret society at Hogwarts?
- Ron
Reply: Don't you boys read?
Snape is the Grand Master of the Very Secret Naked Slytherin Society.
- Hermione
Comment: THE
WHAT?!!!
- Harry and Ron
Reply: The Very Secret Naked Slytherin Society.
- Hermione
Comment: But we
never heard of it!
- Harry and Ron
Reply: Of course you haven't heard of it; it's very secret!
Even most of the Slytherins don't realize that the
have been selected for membership
until they are bound, gagged and secretly initiated by the Grand Master
himself!
- Hermione
Comment: Bloody
Hell! Why would anyone want to join a secret society like that?
I'm so glad I'm not in Slytherin!
- Ron
Comment: Is it too late to switch Houses?
- Harry
Reply: I already checked...
- Hermione
Comment: Bugger!
- Harry
------------------
POST
8: This has been an incredibly stressful week.
Dumbledore, Wood, Malfoy, Ron,
and Snape all tried to ATTEMPT!
How the fuck am I supposed to study for classes under these conditions?
I've been so busy protecting my unbuttered biscuit that I didn't even
have time to reread Hogwarts, A History!
I NEED TO PUT HARRY ON A LEASH!
Current Mood: Exhausted
Comment: I'll help
you restrain Potter...
- Professor Snape
Comment: You can restrain him after his one-on-one quidditch training.
- Wood
Comment: You can
train him after we play Pop Goes the Weasel.
- Ron
Comment: You can play with him after we go on our secret date.
- Draco
Comment: You can
date him after he comes to my office hours.
- Albus
Reply: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
- Hermione
Comment: What's
her problem?
- Albus
Comment: Mental,
that one.
- Ron
Comment: It's
probably that time of the month.
- Professor Snape
Comment: It's ALWAYS that time of the month.
- Draco
Comment: I think she needs a Prozac Cocktail.
- Wood
Reply: WHY WOULD I NEED PROZAC?!!!!!
DO I SEEM UNBALANCED?!!!!!
- Hermione
------------------
POST
9: Woke
up in the infirmary.
Left for Flitwick's Charms class.
Flitwick had erectile dysfunction.
Cast Wingardium Erectosa...
The spell was overly effective.
Harry and Ron also got boners...
Watched Harry and Ron sneak off to the Gryffindor's Boy's Shower.
Kicked open the shower door.
Caught the duo about to play Butt
Pirates of the Caribbean.
THERE'S NO WAY I AM FUCKING RON!
Current Mood: Determined
Comment:
Hermione, what the hell are you doing here?
We're naked! This is the boy's shower!
- Ron
Reply: Oh for heaven's sake!!!
Stop! Stop this at once!!!
Harry, take that thing outta there!!!
Oh good, Ron's arse was only semi-shagged.
Hopefully, that doesn't count...
- Hermione
Comment: It
counts...
- Minister Fudge
Reply: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! NOT RON!!!!!!!
WHY COULDN'T HARRY JUST PLAY SOLITAIRE?!!!!!!
- Hermione [getting teary-eyed and
storming off to the girl's bathroom]
------------------
POST
10: [crying
in the girl's bathroom]
Oh, boo hoo...
I can't believe I have to semi-shag Ron!
I hate this very secret mission!
What's next - is Harry gonna try to bugger a troll?
OH MY GOD, THERE'S A MOUNTAIN TROLL IN
HERE!!!!!
HARRY - YOU DIDN'T!!!!!
HOW COULD YOU?!!!!!
WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T I JUST GO TO
ETON?!!!!!!
Current Mood: Insane
Comment:
Umm... Eton's an all boys school...
-
Harry
Reply: That's beside the point!
Tell me you didn't shag the troll,
Harry!
PLEEEEEEEEEEEEASE!!!!
- Hermione
Comment:
I didn't...
-
Harry
Reply: OH THANK GOD!!!!
Now I'm just gonna hide under a very visible sink and...
HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!!
The troll is coming to bugger me!!!!
- Hermione
Comment:
HERMIONE, WATCH OUT!!!
-
Harry [leaping on top of the troll and shoving his wand up the troll's arse]
Comment:
Ooh, I like playing rough!!!
[Grabbing Harry, flipping him, and positioning him spread eagle over a toilet]
-
The Troll
Reply: OH NO, THE TROLL'S ABOUT
TO TAKE HARRY DRY!!!!!
DO SOMETHING RON!!!!!
- Hermione
Comment:
What?
-
Ron
Comment:
ANYTHING!
-
Harry
Reply: Swish and flick!
- Hermione
Comment:
WINGARDIUM ERECTOSA!
-
Ron [demonstrating proper
wand technique]
Comment:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
THAT - WAS - THE - WRONG - SPELL!!!!!!!!
OOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!
I'M NOT GONNA BE
ABLE TO SIT FOR A WEEK!!!!!!!
-
Harry
Reply: [faints]
- Hermione
------------------
POST
11: My
life really sucks!
I just forked over my anal cherry to a mountain troll,
and now I have to let Ron stick the head in...
But there might be another way to salvage my unbuttered biscuit!
Oh Ron...
Current Mood: Manipulative
Comment:
Yes...
-
Ron
Reply: Would you mind quickly
following me to a secluded place
where no one can hear you scream...
- Hermione
Comment:
Sure, what're friends for...
-
Ron
Reply: Now close your eyes...
- Hermione [pulling out a
strap-on dildo]
Comment:
Hey, what're you doing with that?
Why am I stark naked on all fours in the
middle of the Forbidden Forest?
Hey, that tickles... YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOW!!!!!!
-
Ron
Reply: Well, now that's taken
care of...
- Hermione
Comment:
OOOH, BABY! DO THAT AGAIN!
HARDER!
HARDER!
-
Ron
Reply: OBLIVIATE!!!
- Hermione [pointing her wand at
Ron]
Comment:
Huh? Who are you? Am I a tomato?
-
Ron
Reply: Much better...
- Hermione
------------------
POST
12: My
parents want me to come home for Christmas.
WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY THINKING?
I DO NOT WANT TO LEAVE HARRY AND RON ALONE TOGETHER!
Fortunately, I convinced the boys to spend their whole winter break
looking for information on Nicolas Flamel in the
Restricted Section.
They'll never find information on Flamel there...
OH MY GOD, DID I JUST SEND HARRY TO THE RESTRICTED SECTION?!!!!
Current Mood: Horrified
Comment:
Yes, you did...
-
Wood
Reply: Thanks for rubbing it
in...
- Hermione
Comment:
My pleasure. I told you I'd
spam your LiveJournal.
-
Wood
Reply: Well, this isn't exactly
spam; we're having a conversation.
- Hermione
Comment:
Look
-
Wood
Comment:
BITCH
-
Wood
Comment:
Does
-
Wood
Comment:
This
-
Wood
Comment:
Constitute
-
Wood
Comment:
Spam
-
Wood
Comment:
To
-
Wood
Comment:
You
-
Wood
Comment:
Now
-
Wood
Comment:
??????
-
Wood
Reply: Well, that isn't exactly
spam either.
It just looks like your "Enter" key got
stuck.
Spam generally has a disturbing sexual
undertone.
- Hermione
Comment:
Look
-
Wood
Comment:
BITCH
-
Wood
Comment:
I
-
Wood
Comment:
Am
-
Wood
Comment:
Going
-
Wood
Comment:
To
-
Wood
Comment:
Steal
-
Wood
Comment:
Your
-
Wood
Comment:
PANTIES
-
Wood
Comment:
!!!!!!
-
Wood
Comment:
Is that better?
-
Wood
Reply: Umm... security!
- Hermione
------------------
POST
13: Harry,
Ron and I got embroiled in a quest to find the Sorcerer's Stone.
After fifteen pointless visits to Hagrid's hut, he finally
revealed that he accidentally
leaked secret information about Fluffy in exchange for a Norwegian
Ridgeback.
So instead of immediately contacting Dumbledore about Hagrid's egregious
security breach, we decided to take Norbert up to the tallest tower at midnight
to hand him off to Charlie's friends.
Current Mood: Nervous
Comment:
Put me down, goddammit!!!!
I'm not going to some Funny Farm in
Romania!
-
Norbert
Comment:
Norbert, yeh know yer Mommy's goin' ta write to yeh!
- Hagrid
Comment:
Will you stop calling yourself Mommy!
That's sick!
You're a bloke for Christ's sake!
-
Norbert
Reply: This is ridiculous. I'm breaking out my ball-gag.
- Hermione
Comment:
YOUR BALL-GAG?!!!!!
HOW DARE YOU!!! I SHOULD SET YOU ON FIRE!!!
HEY!
PUT THAT AWAY!!!! MMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!
-
Norbert
Comment:
[catching Hermione, Harry and
Neville with a ball-gagged Norbert]
Oh dear! Oh dear! Explain yourselves, all of you!
What are three Gryffindors doing carrying a ball-gagged baby dragon
to the tallest tower at midnight on
Saturday without an invisibility cloak?
You will be punished for this!!!
-
Professor McGonagall
Comment:
But Professor, there has to be another way...
-
Harry [putting his arm around Minerva seductively]
Comment:
Well I suppose...
-
Professor McGonagall
Reply: NOOOOOO!!!!! I AM NOT FUCKING PROFESSOR McGONAGALL!!!
- Hermione
Comment:
Be that as it may... I am very disappointed in all of you!
150 Points will be taken from Gryffindor
and you will all have detention!
-
Professor McGonagall
Reply: With Professor Snape?!
- Hermione
Comment:
WITH HAGRID!
-
Professor McGonagall
Reply: NOOOOOO!!!!!
I AM NOT FUCKING HAGRID!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
- Hermione
Comment:
I think she needs another Prozac Cocktail...
-
Wood
------------------
POST
14: Woke
up in the infirmary.
Funny, my panties are missing.
I wonder why.
Current Mood: Confused
Comment:
Just take two more blue pills and go back to sleep.
Heh heh heh...
-
Wood
------------------
POST
15: Got
released from the infirmary.
Served detention with Hagrid in the Forbidden Forest.
Fortunately, Hagrid was more interested in shagging Firenze than Harry,
so I was able to save my unbuttered biscuit for Professor Snape.
On the subject of Snape, tonight Harry was certain
that Sexy Sevvy
was going to steal the Sorcerer's Stone.
I knew that it was really
Professor "I stole Snape's job" Quirrell,
but I just played along.
As we were about to leave the Gryffindor Common Room,
we were suddenly stopped by Neville.
Current Mood: Busted
Comment:
You can't go out. You'll be
caught again.
Gryffindor will be in even more trouble.
I'll... I'll fight you!!!!
-
Neville
Reply: Erm...
Neville, don't you just want to smoke some of that
very interesting weed... right now?
- Hermione
Comment:
You're trying to drug me so that you can sneak out.
I won't allow it. Besides, I ran out of my personal stash last
week.
-
Neville
Comment:
What're we gonna do?
-
Harry
Reply: I have a plan. Umm Neville, d'you... erm... find Harry...
you know... attractive?
- Hermione
Comment:
What?
-
Neville, Harry, and Ron
Reply: Neville, would you like
to bury your pregreased dong in
Harry's anal love cavity?
- Hermione
Comment:
WHAT?!!!!
-
Neville, Harry, and Ron
Reply: NEVILLE, D'YOU WANT TO FUCK HARRY?
- Hermione
Comment:
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!!!!!!!
-
Harry and Ron
Comment:
Harry, I didn't know you were offering...
We could go back to my bunk right now and...
-
Neville [Putting his arm around Harry]
Reply: PETRIFICUS TOTALUS!
Sorry, Neville, you ATTEMPTED.
- Hermione
Comment:
But you set me up! I'm gonna tell the Headmaster...
-
Neville [petrified]
Reply: OBLIVIATE!!!
- Hermione [pointing her wand at
Neville]
Comment:
Huh? Can I borrow some spaghetti? I like pencils.
-
Neville
Reply: Let's go, boys...
- Hermione
------------------
POST
16: Led Harry and Ron to the third floor.
Harry used Hagrid's flute to get past Fluffy.
Harry jumped down the secret trap door before Fluffy could ATTEMPT!
Ron and I quickly followed Harry down, down, down and...
WE LANDED ON A GREEN PLANT THAT'S INTO BONDAGE!
Current Mood: Oh Fuck!
Comment:
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
I DON'T LIKE BEING TIED UP!!!
-
Ron
Reply: This is Devil's
Snare. You have to stop moving!
- Hermione
Comment:
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
HOW CAN I STOP MOVING WHEN ITS TENDRILS
ARE MASSAGING MY PROSTATE!!!
-
Ron
Comment:
Hermione, we have to save him!
-
Harry
Reply: Do we? He made us fuck a Mountain Troll...
- Hermione
Comment:
Hermione!
-
Harry
Reply: Fine. Uh... Mr. Devil's Snare.
Ron is wearing Fred's used briefs...
- Hermione
Comment:
Oh fuck! That's NASTY!
-
The Devil's Snare [dropping Ron]
------------------
POST
17: Harry
saved the Sorcerer's Stone,
and suddenly all of the underage
students at Hogwarts turned sixteen.
This is a fabulous opportunity. Now that
I'm of age,
I broke into the dungeon and, due to an
inexplicable plot hole,
managed to get past Snape's wards and tie myself up naked
to Snape's four poster bed without being seen or setting off any alarms.
Current Mood: Waiting
Comment:
[finding Hermione naked on his
bed]
Well, if you insist...
- Severus
Reply: I definitely insist...
- Hermione
Comment:
STOP! STAY AWAY FROM HER UNBUTTERED BISCUIT!!!!!
-
Harry
Reply: Harry, what the fuck are
you doing here?
How did you get past Sexy Sevvy's wards without triggering the alarm!
I thought you were still comatose?
- Hermione
Comment:
Hey, you're not gonna spend all year ruining
my sex life,
and then shag Snape when you want to get some action!
What goes around, comes around,
sweetheart!
And as for being comatose and sneaking
past the wards unnoticed,
those are called plot holes. You can file your complaint with the author.
-
Harry
Comment:
But, Mr. Potter... are you sure you wouldn't want to... join us?
- Severus
------------------------------------------------------
Looking for more? Here is an excerpt from future postings of The Very Secret LiveJournals!
SIR NICOLAS DE MIMSY-PORPINGTON
POST: Greetings and welcome to Gryffindor!
My name is Sir Nicolas de Mimsy-Porpington.
I and the Resident Ghost of Gryffindor Tower.
Current Mood: Eloquent
Comment:
I know who you are! You're
Nearly Dickless Nick!
My brothers have told me all about you!
-
Ron
Reply: I'm sure they have!
- Nearly Dickless Nick
Comment:
Nearly dickless. How could you be nearly dickless?
-
Hermione
Reply: LIKE THIS!
- Nearly Dickless Nick [exposing his mangled family jewels]
Comment:
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
-
Seamus, Dean, Harry, Hermione, Ron, Neville, Lavendar,
Parvati, Katie,
Angelina,
Lee, Alicia, Fred, George, Percy, Wood, Andrew, Albus,
Minerva
Author notes: Thank you for all of those fabulous reviews of Chapters 1-5. I hope you enjoyed reading Hermione’s LiveJournal as much as I enjoyed writing it.
PLEASE REVIEW!