The Very Secret LiveJournals

My Very Secret LiveJournal

by

Harry Potter

October 31, 1981

POST: Yay, I'm fifteen months old and it's Halloween!
Mommy, Daddy and Uncle Voldie decided to play dress up.
Daddy dressed as a corpse.
Mommy dressed as a corpse.
Uncle Voldie dressed as a mean wizard who wouldn't give me any candy.
Wait a minute - I don't have an Uncle Voldie...

Current Mood: Confused

Comment: Shut up kid and look at the shiny green light.
- Uncle Voldie

Reply: Ooh, is this a game? I like games... Tee hee...
I'll just watch that jet of green light explode from your big wand and...
OWWWWWWWWWW! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
That hurt... you sick fuck!
- Baby Harry

Comment: I'm melting... MEEEEEEEELTING!!!!
Damn you, Potter! I'll be back!!!
It may take me ten years, but I'll be back!
- Uncle Voldie

Reply: Yay, the creepy old guy melted!
Mommy, Daddy, you can get up now...
Mommy? Daddy?
- Baby Harry

------------------

POST: A strangely attractive mountain man broke into our home.
He said he was my Uncle Hagrid.
Oh, no buster... I've heard that one before.
Hey! Put me down, you twisted baby-snatcher! Help!
SOMEBODY SOUND THE AMBER ALERT!

Current Mood: Screaming

Comment: [several hours later, in Surrey]
Hagrid. At last... No problems, were there?
- Albus

Comment: No, sir. I got 'im out all right.
He fell asleep as we was flyin' over Bristol.
- Hagrid

Reply: What? I didn't fall asleep!
You were smothering me with your coat!
- Baby Harry

Comment: Take him out of your coat, Hagrid.
I'm sure he could use some oxygen.
- Albus [unwrapping Baby Harry]

Comment: THOSE EYES!!!
- Albus, Minerva, Hagrid

Reply: Oh my god, you people are sick!
I'M FIFTEEN MONTHS OLD!!!!
- Baby Harry

Comment: He's right, you know.
Just set him down on the porch over there.
- Minerva

Reply: Yeah, just set me down...
Wait a minute? What the fuck d'you think you're doing?
Who do I look like - Moses?!
- Baby Harry

------------------------------------------

1991-1992

POST 1: Wow! It's been almost ten years since I last posted in my LiveJournal.
Remarkably, I've forgotten everything that happened, and my Aunt and Uncle
have convinced me that my good-for-nothing parents died in a car accident.
Oh yeah, and I live in a cupboard under the stairs and my life really sucks.
But on the bright side, this morning I discovered I have a penis.
I guess things are looking up!

Current Mood: Upbeat

Comment: What are you doing in that cupboard, boy?
- Uncle Vernon

Reply: [moan] Oh nothing...
- Harry

------------------

POST 2: Went to zoo for Dudders' eleventh birthday.
Visited the reptile house.
Liberated snake.
Did not find snake strangely attractive...
Really... I didn't...

Current Mood: Lying

Comments: None [Harry doesn't have any friends, remember...]

Reply: How did I get my own Very Secret LiveJournal, anyway?
I don't own a computer...
And the LiveJournal technology hasn't even been developed yet...
Must be magic...
- Harry

Comment: THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS MAGIC!
- Uncle Vernon

Reply: Oh, yeah... I forgot...
- Harry

------------------

POST 3: Went to get the mail.
I got a letter... A letter? For me?
But I have no friends or relatives...
And look, the writer knows I live in a cupboard!
[gasp] It must be the Bureau for Child Welfare!
They've finally read my handwritten plea!

Current Mood: Elated

Comment: Gimme that letter, boy!
- Uncle Vernon

Reply: NO! IT'S MINE!
- Harry

Comment: [ripping letter out of Harry's hand and reading it]
Oh crap!
- Uncle Vernon

------------------

POST 4: Received more letters from the Bureau.
Mean Uncle Vernon took them all away...
He's covering his tracks by moving me to Dudley's Second Bedroom.
But I'm already preparing for my testimony against him.
That bastard's gonna rot in jail for this!
Why are there owls defecating on my windowsill?

Current Mood: Inquisitive

Comment: Look kid, we flooded your chimney with letters,
and you couldn't even catch ONE!
Haven't you ever taken a fucking physical education course?
- Disgruntled Owl

Reply: I think the nice owl likes me...
- Harry

Comment: [starts beating head against glass]
- Disgruntled Owl

------------------

POST 5: Uncle Vernon decided that we needed to flee from the law.
The Bureau must be hot on our trail.
First we went to a hotel, but the Bureau tracked us there.
Now we're in a miserable little shack on a large rock out in the sea.
This is gonna be great for my testimony.
I can tell them all about my escape attempts.
Hmm... d'you think Aunt Petunia will notice if I start playing with my penis?
I need to give myself a birthday present!

Current Mood: solid

Comment: [knocking the door down]
Sorry 'bout that...
- Hagrid

Reply: Oh my god, it's the Bureau! You found me!
[pointing at Uncle Vernon]
Take him away!
- Harry

Comment: Umm... I'm not wit' the Bureau, Harry.
I've come ter take yeh to Hogwarts.
- Hagrid [handing Harry his letter]

Reply: What? You interrupted my masturbation for this?
- Harry

Comment: But I brough' yeh a birthday cake...
- Hagrid

Reply: A cake? For me? Is it a large sticky chocolate cake
with creamy vanilla frosting?
- Harry

Comment: It's all chocolate... now.
I... er... sat on it on the way here.
- Hagrid

Reply: Er... thanks... I guess...
Hey Dudley, you want some cake?
It's chocolate!
- Harry

------------------

POST 6: Hagrid told me that my parents were famous wizards,
that they were blown up by some crackpot named You-Know-Who,
and that it's my destiny to defeat him after I learn some
magic tricks at a snooty prep school in Scotland.
What the fuck?

Current Mood: Confused

Comment: Yer a wizard, Harry.
- Hagrid

Reply: I... can't be a wizard.
I'm just... Harry.
- Harry

Comment: Not a wizard, eh?
Tell me, have y'ever made sumthin' happen that yeh couldn't explain
when yeh were excited or provoked?
- Hagrid

Reply: [glancing down at his crotch]
I guess I am a wizard!
- Harry

------------------

POST 7: Hagrid took me to London to buy my supplies for Hogwarts.
Our first stop was The Leaky Cauldron... and everybody knew my name.
I'M A FUCKING CELEBRITY!!!!!! GO ME!!!!!!
Hagrid dragged me out of the pub before I could shag the strangely attractive barman...
or Professor Quirrell... or the mean looking old woman with the pink hat.
Hagrid led me out back to a brick wall.
He tapped the wall three times in its "Secret Spot."
The wall quivered and wriggled and then, in the middle, a small hole appeared.
Hagrid stroked the hole; it opened wider and wider and wider...
Suddenly, the hole gave one giant heave and we were sucked in.

Current Mood: Moist

Comment: Welcome to Diagon Alley!
- Hagrid

Reply: Ooh... I didn't expect my first time to feel like this!
Look at all those cauldrons and robes and herbs and animals.
My heart is... fluttering rapidly. I feel... lightheaded.
I need to [moan] grab onto that broomstick.
Yes... oh yes... I want [moan] that long hard broomstick, Hagrid! PLEASE!
YES! YES! YES! I NEED [moan] TO FLY! OHH...
- Harry

Comment: We need to get yer money, Harry.
- Hagrid

Reply: YES! YES! MONEY! [moan] MY MONEY! OHH!
[suddenly sober]
Wait a minute... I don't have any money.
My good-for-nothing parents abandoned me penniless.
Everyone always leaves me.
- Harry

Comment: [leading Harry into Gringott's Wizarding Bank]
There's yer money, Harry.
- Hagrid

Reply: [grabbing a strangely attractive goblin]
Really, what can I buy with this one?
- Harry

Comment: Put me down, you fuckwit!
- The Goblin

Reply: [dropping the goblin]
Oops... sorry.
- Harry

Comment: Mr. Harry Potter would like ter make a withdrawal.
- Hagrid

Comment: Does Mr. Harry Fuckwit have his key?
- The Goblin [leading them to a cart to enter the vaults]

Reply: [climbing into the cart]
Umm... I'm afraid of roller coasters!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
- Harry

Comment: [arriving at Harry's vault]
Mr. Harry Fuckwit's key please.
- The Goblin

Comment: [handing the goblin Harry's key]
See, I told ya yer parents' didn't leave ya with nothin'.
- Hagrid

Reply: [looking inside his newly opened vault]
I'M RICH! I'M A RICH CELEBRITY!
[diving into the money and swimming around in it]
CAN WE MAKE A PIT STOP AT THE BROOM SHOP?
- Harry

Comment: Er... that's not on yer list.
And first years aren't allowed brooms, Harry.
- Hagrid

Reply: Bugger!
- Harry

------------------

POST 8: Hagrid took me to Madam Malkin's Robes for All Occasions.
Met this strangely attractive blonde with a leather fetish.
The blonde wanted to tie me up with his kinky leather goodies.
TIE ME UP! OH YES! TIGHTER! BEAT ME!
Oh, hi, Hagrid, we're just... um... trying on belts. Tee hee...

Current Mood: Bound

Comment: [dragging Harry out of the store]
Harry, you're gonna buy yer new wand at Ollivander's... NOW!
I just need ta shop for yer new owl...
- Hagrid [secretly, Hagrid also planned to go see the Minister
about assigning a fellow student to supervise Harry
to make sure he doesn't shag everyone at Hogwarts.]

Reply: [grumble, grumble]
- Harry

Comment: [watching Harry enter the shop]
Ah yes, I thought I'd be seeing you soon, Mr. Potter.
- Ollivander

Reply: Umm... how d'you know my name?
- Harry

Comment: You have your mother's eyes.
- Ollivander

Reply: Umm... how d'you know my mother?
- Harry

Comment: Oh, well... [cough] she and I used to be [cough] close...
[several moments of uncomfortable silence]
Try this wand, Mr. Potter.
Beachwood and Dragon's Heartstring.
Nice inches.
Nice and supple.
Just like your Mum.
Now give it a wave!
- Ollivander

Reply: [waving the wand]
Ooh, this is fun!
[BOOM]
Let me blow up that shelf again.
[POW]
- Harry

Comment: STOP! STOP! Try this one.
Maple and phoenix feather.
Quite whippy.
Seven inches.
Just like your Dad.
Um... I mean... just try it!
- Ollivander

Reply: [waving the new wand]
Ooh, another wand!
[KABOOM]
I'm gonna be a great wizard!
[WHAM]
- Harry

Comment: STOP! PLEASE! YOU'RE TRASHING MY SHOP!
- Ollivander [snatching the wand away from Harry]

Reply: But I like playing with my wand!
- Harry

Comment: [searching for another wand]
I wonder... now... yes... try this one.
- Ollivander

Reply: [waves special wand]
Ooh, it's glowing!
- Harry [insert cheesy Twilight Zone music]

Comment: Curious... How very curious... I wonder.... Hmm...
Let me think... Interesting... How remarkable...
- Ollivander

Reply: Will you get to the fucking point?
- Harry

Comment: I remember every wand I ever sold, Mr. Potter.
It so happens that the phoenix whose tail feather resides in your wand...
gave another... just one other.
- Ollivander

Reply: That sounds like one frigid phoenix.
- Harry

Comment: [ignoring Harry]
It is curious that you should be destined for this wand
when its brother... gave you that scar!
- Ollivander

Reply: Spooky...
- Harry [insert more cheesy Twilight Zone music]

Comment: [still ignoring Harry]
The wand chooses the wizard, Mr. Potter...
I'm not sure exactly why.
But I know that we can expect great things from you.
Because He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Shagged did great things!
Terrible... but great!
- Ollivander

Reply: He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Shagged?
- Harry

Comment: He's a top.
- Ollivander

Reply: Oh...
- Harry

------------------

POST 9: Went to King's Cross Station.
Hagrid gave me a ticket for the Hogwarts Express and then left me.
Everyone always leaves me.
The ticket says the train leaves at 11:00 AM from platform nine and three-quarters.
How is that possible?
I only see platforms nine and ten.

Current Mood: Lost

Comment: Are you looking for platform nine and three-quarters?
- Percy

Reply: Why yes... I am!
- Harry

Comment: What would you do for me if I showed you how to get onto the platform?
- Percy

Reply: I would do anything you want.
- Harry

Comment: Anything?
- Percy [unzipping his fly]

Reply: Ooh, you have a penis, too.
- Harry

------------------

POST 10: Finished servicing the strangely attractive redheaded Prefect.
Prefect showed me how to get onto the platform and left.
Why does everyone always leave me?
Boarded the Hogwarts Express.
Another strangely attractive redhead named Ron sat down next to me.
He wanted to turn his rat into a gerbil.
I think I like this kinky redhead!
Got interrupted by this Hermione chick who was raving
about some secret mission and about how I caused her to have to
give head to some bloke name Percy.
She said that that was my last physical encounter,
and threatened to curse anyone else who ATTEMPTED!
Crazy psycho bitch!

Current Mood: Irritated

Comment: But Harry, it's for your own good, you know.
- Hermione [gargling with mouthwash]

Reply: Can I have some...?
- Harry

------------------

POST 11: Arrived at Hogsmeade train station.
Took the boat with Ron, Hermione and Neville to Hogwarts.
Prepared for the sorting ceremony.
Professor McGonagall informed us that there are four noble Houses at Hogwarts:
Gryffindor, Slytherin, and two other irrelevant ones
that will barely be mentioned throughout the first five books.
Put the Sorting Hat on my head...

Current Mood: Nervous

Comment: Difficult. Very difficult.
Plenty of courage, I see.
Not a bad mind either.
Likes to swallow.
There's talent, oh my goodness yes!
And a thirst... to prove yourself.
But where shall I put you?
- Sorting Hat

Reply: Not Slytherin. Not Slytherin.
- Harry

Comment: Not Slytherin, eh?
- Sorting Hat

Reply: There's only one shaggable bloke in Slytherin,
and Gryffindor is a redheaded buffet!
- Harry

Comment: Are you sure? You could be great you know.
And Slytherin could lead you on the road to greatness.
It's all here... in your head.
- Sorting Hat

Reply: But Percy said its all here... in my throat.
- Harry

Comment: I give up... GRYFFINDOR!
- Sorting Hat

------------------

POST 12: First flying lesson.
Mounted my broomstick.
Gripped it tight.
Kicked off from the ground.
God, this feels fantastic!
I love flying!

Current Mood: Orgasmic

Comment: Um Potter, when I said you have to mount your broomstick,
I didn't mean it literally.
- Madam Hooch

------------------

POST 13: Professor McGonagall made me the new Gryffindor Seeker.
Oliver Wood was very excited that I joined the team.
He even offered to teach me new moves on my Nimbus 2000.

Current Mood: Excited

Comment: Potter, I'm just gonna teach you the rules this evening,
and then you'll be joining the team practice three times a week.
- Wood

Reply: [nodding and slowly sliding his hand over his own thigh]
- Harry

Comment: [pretending to ignore Harry's gesture]
There are three Chasers, two Beaters, a Keeper and a Seeker.
That's you...
- Wood

Reply: [nodding and slowly caressing his family jewels]
- Harry

Comment: [sweating]
The Beaters are um... yeah Potter... you'd make an excellent Beater.
- Wood

Reply: I have a penis...
- Harry

Comment: Uh... I can see that.
[sweating profusely]
Now you, Potter... you only have to be concerned with this -
the Golden Snitch. It's the Keeper's job to catch your Snitch...
I mean the Seeker... I mean... Aww fuck it!
- Wood [leaping on top of Harry]

Comment: Stop! I'll curse you if you even ATTEMPT!
- Hermione

Comment: [manhandling Harry]
I'll take my chances...
- Wood

Comment: STUPEFY!
- Hermione

Comment: DAMN!
- Wood

------------------

POST 14: Malfoy was angry that I was made the new Gryffindor Seeker.
The kinky blonde challenged me to a duel.

Current Mood: Annoyed

Comment: I'd take you on anytime on my own.
Tonight, if you want.
Wizard's Duel. Wands only - no contact.
- Malfoy

Reply: NO CONTACT?!
- Harry

Comment: Potter, this is just a pretext for out first date.
You're sitting next to the Filthy Mudblood.
We wouldn't want her to curse me when I ATTEMPT, now would we?
- Malfoy

Reply: Ooh! Got it... Wizard's Duel. Wands only - no contact.
- Harry [wink, wink]

Comment: Ho hum... I'm just minding my own business.
Harry, what time is your date, I mean... duel?
- Hermione

Reply: Midnight.
- Harry

Comment: Good to know...
- Hermione

------------------

POST 15: Malfoy didn't show up for our first date.
Why does everyone always abandon me?
He claimed to have been tied to his bed by Hermione...
but Hermione was with me at the time.
She wouldn't be so calculating as to tie Malfoy up before our date...
would she?

Current Mood: Sad

Comment: WILL SOMEONE FUCKING UNTIE ME?!
- Malfoy

Reply: You blokes are all the same...
And to think I even bought some Vaseline for our date.
- Harry

Comment: What's Vaseline?
- Crabbe

Comment: Remember when Fred made you scream real loud?
- Goyle

Comment: Not really...
- Crabbe

Comment: Hmm... remember when Snape made you scream real loud?
- Goyle

Comment: Oh yeah... so THAT'S Vaseline... Thanks.
- Crabbe

Comment: Don't mention it.
- Goyle

Comment: WILL YOU SHUT UP AND UNTIE ME?!
- Malfoy

------------------

POST 16: A lot of time has passed since I last updated.
Hermione managed to frustrate almost all ATTEMPTS.
There was one exception...
After Hermione caught me in the boy's shower about to shag Ron,
she ran off and we had to rescue her from the horny troll in the Girl's Bathroom.
Well, thanks to Ron and his "brilliant" use of the "Wingarduim Erectosa" spell,
I found out that the troll had a penis, too. It was huge!
Hopefully I'll still be able to fly in today's Quidditch match against Slytherin.

Current Mood: Concerned

Comment: Okay men, women and sexy eleven-year-olds...
This is the one we've all been waiting for.
- Wood

Comment: The big one...
- Fred

Comment: Shut it, Fred. This is the best team Gryffindor's had for years.
We're gonna win this game. I know it... You scared, Potter?
- Wood

Reply: I'm sore!
- Harry

Comment: I was a little sore after my first game.
Took a bludger up the arse...
Woke up in the infirmary a week later
with abdominal cramps and wicked smile...
- Wood [flying onto the field]

Reply: [Gulp]
- Harry

Comment: Now I want a nice clean game... from all of you.
- Madam Hooch

Comment: And they're off... Slytherin in possession.
Chaser Pucey ducks two bludgers, two Weasleys,
and an incredibly endowed Chaser Bell, and speeds towards the...
Wait... Potter has lost control of his broomstick!
- Lee Jordan

Comment: Oh no! Somebody jinxed Harry's broomstick!
I'll think I'll set Snape on fire!
- Hermione

Comment: Will you stop bucking and sit still?
How are you supposed to catch the Snitch when you're constantly shifting?
- The Nimbus 2000

Reply: BUT I'M SORE!!!!
- Harry

Comment: Well, you could try standing...
- The Nimbus 2000

Reply: That's a brilliant idea!
And there's the Golden Snitch.
It's flying right at me! It's... [gulp]
- Harry

Comment: HE SWALLOWS?
- Everyone in the Entire Stadium

Comment: Don't remind me...
- Hermione [still bitter]

------------------

POST 17: Christmas morning.
Woke up and found that I had presents.
Uncle Vernon sent me a note with a fifty pence piece.
Cheap bastard. I still intend to press charges again him whenever the
Bureau for Child Welfare reads my handwritten plea.
My next present was a Weasley jumper.
Finally, Percy acknowledged me!
My last present was an invisibility cloak.

Current Mood: Awestruck

Comment: I've heard of those!
They're really rare!
- Ron

Reply: Invisibility... hmm... This could be interesting...
Let's see... I could go to class naked...
I could watch Madam Hooch undress...
I could service Percy in the Great Hall...
Hermione won't be able to find me...
- Harry

Comment: Umm... Harry.
Don't you wanna read the card?
- Ron

Reply: Wait, I'm not done.
I could see if Wood lives up to his name...
I could tie Malfoy up and beat him...
I could get sandwiched between the twins...
- Harry

Comment: [interrupting]
THE CARD SAYS:
"Your father left this in my possession before he died.
It is time it was returned to you.
Use it well."
- Ron

Reply: Oh, I definitely will!
- Harry

------------------

POST 18: Hermione drugged my eggnog and installed
a muggle GPS homing device inside me so that she can track me
when I'm sneaking around under my invisibility cloak.
Crazy psycho bitch!
Ron actually thought it was a good idea.
Crazy psycho bastard!

Current Mood: Violated

Comment: It's for your own good, you know...
- Hermione

Comment: Yeah, Harry. We need to make sure I get to shag you first.
- Ron

Comment: RON!!!!!
- Hermione

------------------

POST 19: Hermione, Ron, and I found out about the Sorcerer's Stone.
If I find the Stone, the author will age all of us all to sixteen.
Then, we can shag each other like rabbits without the author
being accused of being a sick, twisted, degenerate fuck.
WHERE THE HELL IS THAT STONE?!!!!!

Current Mood: Searching desperately

Comment: I should inform you both that I am NOT aiding in your quest to find
the Sorcerer's Stone because of an interest in furthering Harry's future
sexual proclivities. I am merely assisting in this venture to stop
Voldemort from stealing the Stone and destroying the Wizarding World.
- Hermione

Comment: Hermione, you need to get your priorities straight.
- Ron

Comment: I think she just needs a good bang.
- Fred

Comment: You dirty whore, you're planning to cheat on me... again!
- George

Comment: But she's a girl!
- Fred

Comment: That hasn't stopped you before.
- George

Comment: But Katie, Sibyll and Angelina don't count.
- Fred

Comment: You shagged Professor Trelawney?
- Ron

Reply: I think she may have shagged him...
- Harry

Comment: [gulp]
- Ron

------------------

POST 20: More time has passed since I last updated.
In the past few months, I tried to shag fifty people (all foiled by bloody Granger),
I got abandoned by Malfoy on our second date in the Forbidden Forest,
I got hit on by Hagrid's strangely attractive pet dragon, and uh...
I'm about to go battle Snape to find the Sorcerer's Stone,
save the Wizarding World and magically become sixteen.
[entering the last chamber and finding Professor Quirrell there]
YOU!!!!

Current Mood: Astonished

Comment: ME!!!!!
- Professor Quirrell

Comment: US!!!!!
- Uncle Voldie

Reply: But I thought... Snape?
What're you two doing fused together?
- Harry

Comment: Well, Quirrell said he wanted me to give him head...
- Uncle Voldie

Reply: I'm sorry I asked.
- Harry

Comment: Quirrell, you must find the Sorcerer's Stone...
- Uncle Voldie

Comment: Master, I cannot find it in the Mirror.
I look into the Mirror of Erised, and see you naked
with whip cream, nuts and a cherry spread all over your...
- Professor Quirrell

Reply: Um... maybe I should come back later.
- Harry

Comment: SILENCE!!!!
[tying Harry up with a bondage spell]
What shall I do now, Master?
- Professor Quirrell

Comment: Use the boy!
- Uncle Voldie

Comment: But the troll buggered him first.
- Professor Quirrell

Comment: I meant to get the Stone.
- Uncle Voldie

Comment: [unbinding Harry]
Come here, Potter.
Look in the Mirror and tell me what you see...
- Professor Quirrell

Reply: I see Hermione bound and gagged,
so that someone could finally ATTEMPT!
- Harry

Comment: He lies!
- Professor Quirrell

Comment: Uh... no I think he's telling the truth.
What else do you see, Potter?
- Uncle Voldie

Reply: I see the Sorcerer's Stone shoved up against my prostate.
OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!
- Harry

Comment: Give it to me!
- Uncle Voldie

Reply: Umm... I think I'll need a pair of pliers to get it out first.
- Harry

Comment: Seize him!!!!!
- Uncle Voldie

Comment: [grabbing Harry's arse]
I'M MELTING! MEEEELTING!!!!!
- Professor Quirrell

Comment: Damn you, Potter! I'll be back!!!
It might take me another year, a diary and a horny redhead, but I'll be back!
- Uncle Voldie [also melting]

Reply: Gee, I think I should faint now.
- Harry

------------------

POST 21: Woke up in the Infirmary.
Hmm... something's different.
[feels family jewels]
Oh my god, I'M HUGE!!!!!

Current Mood: Excited

Comment: Good afternoon, Harry.
You can take your hand off of your crotch now.
- Albus

Reply: Excuse me Professor, I was just excited...
- Harry

Comment: Well, you should be.
It's not very often that an eleven year old magically becomes sixteen.
And growing up certainly has its benefits.
- Albus

Reply: Professor, why did Quirrell disintegrate when he touched my arse?
It must have been my mother's love. She died to save me.
- Harry

Comment: Actually, Hermione booby-trapped your arse
so that no one else could ATTEMPT.
- Albus

Reply: Then how did you extract the Sorcerer's Stone without disintegrating?
- Harry

Comment: Well, naturally I removed the trap.
I wouldn't want a strapping sixteen-year-old lad like yourself to be... constrained.
- Albus [wink, wink]

------------------

POST 22: Left the Infirmary and headed straight for the Dungeon.
Found a sixteen-year-old Hermione tied up naked on Snape's four poster bed.
The strangely attractive Potions Master was about to butter her biscuit when I intervened.

Current Mood: Vindictive

Comment: Harry, what the fuck are you doing here?
- Hermione

Reply: Hey, you're not gonna spend all year ruining my sex life,
and then shag Snape when you want to get some action!
What goes around, comes around, sweetheart!
- Harry

Comment: But, Mr. Potter... are you sure you wouldn't want to... join us?
- Severus

Reply: I have a better idea...
- Harry

Comment: What's that?
- Severus

Reply: I'll let you shag me if we make her watch...
- Harry [removing his clothes and leaping onto the bed]

Comment: WHAT? HOW DARE YOU!
I DEMAND THAT YOU UNTIE ME!
- Hermione

Reply: [moan]
- Harry

Comment: OH FOR HEAVEN SAKE! NO!
DON'T STICK IT IN... GODDAMMIT!
SOMEBODY UNTIE ME!!!!!
- Hermione

Comment: Oh Harry... you're tighter than your father.
- Severus

Reply: WHAT?!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Harry and Hermione

THE END

------------------------------------------------------

Looking for more? Here are two extra postings from the first series of The Very Secret LiveJournals!

SIRIUS BLACK

October 31, 1981

POST: Conveniently arrived in Godric's Hollow too late
to risk my neck in order to save James and Lily.
Hagrid was already there, ready to snatch my godson.
He told me he was acting on Dumbledore's orders,
and stole my flying motorcycle.
My motorcycle then got a whole write-up in the first book
and a cameo in the movie. That's outrageous!
My motorcycle gets more attention than I do!
How dare J.K. do this to me?! I'm under contract!
Who the fuck does she think she is?!

Current Mood: Fuming

Comment: You really don't want to mess with me, Sirius.
- J.K. Rowling

Reply: Oh yeah. Bring it on, bitch.
Wait, what d'you mean I'm under arrest?
I'm going to Azkaban for twelve years for a crime I DIDN'T COMMIT?!
What the fuck?
Come on J.K., I was kidding. KIDDING!
Come on. Let me go. Please...
OH SHIT!!!!
- Sirius

------------------

FRED WEASLEY

June 30, 1992

POST: I can't believe it!
I can't fucking believe it!
I'm the funniest guy in this whole bloody parody,
and the author gives me one measly post!

Current Mood: Irate

Comment: That's because you're a one trick pony.
- George

Reply: WHAT?!!!!!!
- Fred

Comment: C'mon Fred. Be reasonable.
All you do is steal my Vaseline, get fucked by somebody,
and then get in a big ol' fight with me about it.
You're a one trick pony. You're boring...
- George

Reply: HOW DARE YOU!!!!
YOU'RE NOT GETTING ANY FOR A WEEK!!!!
- Fred

Comment: I don't want any of that anyway...
- George

Reply: Fine...
- Fred

Comment: [humph]
- George

Reply: Um... George?
- Fred

Comment: Yeah?
- George

Reply: Can I ask a favor?
- Fred

Comment: What's that?
- George

Reply: Can I borrow your Vaseline?
- Fred