- Rating:
- R
- House:
- Riddikulus
- Characters:
- Draco Malfoy Harry Potter Oliver Wood
- Genres:
- Humor Parody
- Era:
- Multiple Eras
- Spoilers:
- Philosopher's Stone Chamber of Secrets Prizoner of Azkaban Goblet of Fire Order of the Phoenix Quidditch Through the Ages Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them
- Stats:
-
Published: 01/11/2004Updated: 08/02/2004Words: 14,801Chapters: 7Hits: 7,361
The Very Secret LiveJournals
Arrmaitee
- Story Summary:
- SLASH! PARODY! These raunchy journal entries expose the burning, secret``thoughts and desires of Hogwarts’ sex-crazed students and staff! Warning:``contains excessive references to Harry’s eyes, Draco’s cherry, cold showers,``kinky leather goodies, and a virgin sacrifice for Uncle Voldie!
Chapter 05
- Chapter Summary:
- SLASH! PARODY! These raunchy journal entries expose the burning, secret thoughts and desires of Hogwarts’ sex-crazed students and staff! Warning: contains excessive references to Harry’s eyes, Draco’s cherry, Wood’s panties, Vaseline, rope, cold showers, kinky leather goodies, and a virgin sacrifice for Uncle Voldie!
- Posted:
- 04/02/2004
- Hits:
- 772
- Author's Note:
- Inspired by and Dedicated to Cassandra Claire
My Very Secret LiveJournal
by
Severus Snape
1991-92
POST 1: Welcoming feast.
I HATE WELCOMING FEASTS!
But the one thing I hate more than welcoming feasts are students.
I HATE STUDENTS!
And this year I will exact my revenge.
I WILL DEFLOWER THEM ALL!
Current Mood: Volatile
Comment:
Oww... my scar hurts from looking at that
strangely attractive,
hooknose pariah. I have a headache.
- Harry
Reply: I'm sure you do, you frigid
bitch.
Classes haven't even started yet and you already
have a headache.
Bloody frigid Potters.
Your father was also a cock-tease.
I used to chase him up to the Astronomy Tower
only to hear him whine that he had
diarrhea!
But I fucked him anyway...
Bloody frigid Potters.
- Severus
------------------
POST 2: First year Gryffindor-Slytherin Double Potions Class.
I hate teaching Double Potions!
I should be teaching the Defense Against the Dark
Arts!
Potter and his slimy friends infected my lab.
HATE POTTER! HATE THOSE DAMN EYES!
Decided to interrogate "Our New Celebrity" just for kicks.
"Potter, what would you get if you added a teaspoon of Astroglide
to an infusion of Ben-Gay?"
Current Mood: Taunting
Comment:
I don't know, sir.
- Harry
Reply: Where would you look if I told
you find me a Glory Hole?
- Severus
Comment:
I don't know, sir. I think
Hermione knows.
Why don't you try her?
- Harry
Reply: Tempting. What's the difference,
Potter, between Anal-Eze and Orajel?
- Severus
Comment:
I don't know, sir.
- Harry
Reply: Would you like to find out?
- Severus
------------------
POST 3: Potter turned me down.
Bloody frigid Potters.
I'm going to take him dry!
Decided to deflower young Malfoy in the meantime.
Offered Malfoy a midnight extra credit
potions assignment.
The little bitch arrived in a leather chastity belt!
WHAT THE FUCK?
Current Mood: Frustrated
Comment:
I'll test drive your new extra
credit potion!
-
Fred
Comment:
I'm sure you would, you dirty
whore!
Don't I satisfy you?
-
George
Reply: Obviously not enough.
- Severus
Comment:
Hey, I'm not the one who needs to
use House Points
to get some action!
-
George
Reply: I don't use House Points, Mr. Weasley.
I use detention.
And Fred has detention with ME for a week!
- Severus
------------------
POST 4: DAMN, HE'S USED!!!!
Current Mood: Astonished... and oddly aroused
------------------
POST 5: Can't sleep.
Between Crabbe's screaming and Pansy's shrieking,
the Slytherin House sounds like a bloody zoo!
Fucked them both.
Then gave them detention with Filch.
Still can't sleep.
Oh, Potter...
Wanna meet me at the Astronomy Tower?
Current Mood: Horny
Comment:
STOP! I will curse you if you even ATTEMPT!
-
Hermione
Reply: Ten points from Gryffindor!
- Severus
Comment:
Aren't you gonna give me detention?
I've been sooooooo baaaaaaaad!
-
Hermione
Reply: Fuck! Granger's hitting on me!
- Severus
Comment:
What's the matter, Sexy Sevvy?
You can't handle detention with... me?
- Hermione
Reply: Sorry... I have... diarrhea.
I mean... a headache.
Yeah... a headache.
- Severus
------------------
POST 6: Quirrell was buggered by a bloody mountain troll.
Damn, that troll beat me too it.
Decided to take Fluffy before the troll got to him, too.
Oh my God, he has three heads!
How... promising!
Now boys, you have to share.
DON'T USE YOUR TEETH!!!!
Current Mood: Mangled
Comment:
How strange... Snape is all bloody and limping.
I wonder why...
- Harry
Reply: Don't ask...
- Severus
------------------
POST 7: Quidditch Match. Gryffindor vs. Slytherin.
Sat in faculty box near Professor "I stole your job" Quirrell.
Quirrell tried to jinx Potter's broomstick.
That broomstick is mine!
Uttered countercurse... must preserve his broomstick.
OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
I'M ON FIRE!
WHAT THE FUCK?
Current Mood: Burnt
Comment:
Aren't you gonna give me detention?
I love it when you're all hot and
bothered.
-
Hermione
Reply: Uh... sorry. I have to... uh...
alphabetize my potions ingredients. Yeah...
- Severus
------------------
POST 8: Christmas.
I hate Christmas.
Nobody ever remembers Sexy Sevvy...
What's this?
I have a present?
Somebody actually thought of me?
[unwraps gift]
SHAMPOO?!!!!!
Current Mood: Livid
Comment: Actually, it's a bottle of 1% Pyrethrin Lice Ointment.
It's called Pediculicide.
Muggle doctors prescribe it to treat pubic lice.
-
Hermione
Reply: WHAT?!!!!! I DO NOT HAVE PUBIC LICE!
THAT'S OUTRAGEOUS!
TEN POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!
- Severus
Comment:
[scratching herself]
You sexy bastard!
No wonder I've been itching down there!
Can I have some of that... ointment?
-
Pansy
Reply: HOW DARE YOU!
TEN POINTS FROM SLYTHERIN!
I - DO - NOT - HAVE - PUBIC - LICE!
- Severus
Comment:
Actually you do.
Remember that week-long detention with Fred?
-
George
Reply: FIFTY POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!!!!
- Severus
------------------
POST 9: Used Pyrethrin.
Got rash. Used Benadryl.
Got hives. Took hot bath.
Used same towel. Got lice.
Used Pyrethrin. Got rash...
I hate Peh-DICK-you-luh-side!
Current Mood: Itchy
Comment:
See, if you had given ME
detention,
you wouldn't have lice.
-
Hermione
Comment:
No, you'd have rabies.
-
Pansy
Comment:
[dropping her books and drawing her wand]
WHAT?!!!!
Bring it on, BITCH!!!!
-
Hermione
Reply: And to think, they're fighting
over me.
[scratch, scratch]
- Severus
------------------
POST 10: Quidditch match. Gryffindor vs. Hufflepuff.
Volunteered to be the referee to protect Potter's...
broomstick.
Wood was quite concerned about winning this match.
He agreed to bottom for me if I made sure Gryffindor won.
Potter caught the snitch in five minutes.
I blew my wad in ten.
I should referee more often!
Current Mood: Sated
Comment:
But... but I thought Wood was a
top!
-
Fred
Reply: Not anymore!
- Severus
Comment:
I'm gonna KILL the sick, twisted fuck writing this crap!
As if I would ever barter my arse in exchange for... CENSORED!
-
Wood
Author's
Note: Ignore him.
[Tying up Wood and hauling his mangled arse over to the infirmary for some tranquilizers]
Comment:
Stop! Let go of me!
Put me down! Owwww!
Someone please flame this trashy piece
of... CENSORED!
-
Wood
------------------
POST 11: Decided to bugger Quirrell.
Invited him for a private rendezvous.
Accused him of trying to get past Fluffy to steal the
Sorcerer's Stone.
He denied all of the allegations.
Informed him that he didn't want me as his enemy.
Unzipped his fly.
Flipped him over.
Current Mood: Eager
Comment:
[discovering a pair of Wood's silk panties on top of Snape's desk]
P-P-P-P-P-P-PANTIES?!!!!!
- Quirrell
Reply: Just hold still...
- Severus
Comment:
B-b-b-but SEVERUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUS!!!!
- Quirrell
Reply: [ten minutes later]
We'll have another little chat soon, when you've had
time to decide
where your loyalties lie...
- Severus
Comment:
B-b-b-but panties?
- Quirrell
Reply: Damn you Wood...
- Severus
------------------
POST 12: Potter saved the Sorcerer's
Stone.
Quirrell actually
was trying to get past Fluffy.
I'm glad I buggered Quirrell's arse before it was incinerated.
Now I just have to bugger Potter's arse.
Bloody frigid Potters.
Went back to my flat to get some shut eye.
Found a sixteen-year-old Granger tied up naked on my four poster bed.
Well, if she insists...
------------------
Looking for more? Here are excerpts from future postings of The Very Secret LiveJournals!
Pansy Parkinson
POST: Arrived at Hogwarts.
Saw Drakey-Poo.
Decided to save my virginity for him.
I knew that no one could possibly change my mind.
[shrieks with laughter]
Oh, hi Professor.
PROFESSOR!!!!!!!!!!
Current Mood: Greasy
Comments: None
Reply: I don't believe this.
First he pops my cherry.
Then he gives me detention with Filch.
Now he doesn't even post a fucking comment on my LiveJournal!
MEN!!!!
- Pansy
------------------
Marcus Flint
POST: Decided to undergo surgery for
phallus augmentation.
Damn you, Percy!
------------------
Blaise Zabini
POST: Has anyone seen Moon?
Current Mood: Searching
Comment:
No... I heard Moon transferred to Beauxbatons.
- Moon [in a really cheesy
disguise]
Reply: MOON, IT'S REALLY YOU!
YOU'RE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!
WAIT! COME BACK!!!
- Blaise
Author notes: Yes, I have no shame. And obviously since you’ve read this far, neither do you.
PLEASE REVIEW!