- Rating:
- R
- House:
- Riddikulus
- Characters:
- Draco Malfoy Harry Potter Oliver Wood
- Genres:
- Humor Parody
- Era:
- Multiple Eras
- Spoilers:
- Philosopher's Stone Chamber of Secrets Prizoner of Azkaban Goblet of Fire Order of the Phoenix Quidditch Through the Ages Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them
- Stats:
-
Published: 01/11/2004Updated: 08/02/2004Words: 14,801Chapters: 7Hits: 7,361
The Very Secret LiveJournals
Arrmaitee
- Story Summary:
- SLASH! PARODY! These raunchy journal entries expose the burning, secret``thoughts and desires of Hogwarts’ sex-crazed students and staff! Warning:``contains excessive references to Harry’s eyes, Draco’s cherry, cold showers,``kinky leather goodies, and a virgin sacrifice for Uncle Voldie!
Chapter 04
- Chapter Summary:
- SLASH! PARODY! These raunchy journal entries expose the burning, secret thoughts and desires of Hogwarts’ sex-crazed students and staff! Warning: contains excessive references to Harry’s eyes, Draco’s cherry, Wood’s panties, Vaseline, rope, cold showers, kinky leather goodies, and a virgin sacrifice for Uncle Voldie!
- Posted:
- 02/13/2004
- Hits:
- 847
- Author's Note:
- Inspired by and Dedicated to Cassandra Claire
My Very Secret LiveJournal
by
Ron Weasley
1991-92
POST 1: First day of school.
Mum said I had to get ready or I'd miss the train.
Packed Bill's old robe...
Charlie's old wand...
Percy's old rat...
Fred's old briefs...
Er... those need to be washed!!!
Does anyone have any detergent?
Current Mood: Grossed out
Comment: Detergent?
How could you?
Those johns are a family heirloom!
I christened them myself!
-
Fred
Reply: Does anyone have any bleach?
- Ron
Comment: Bleach?
How could you?
Those johns are a family heirloom!
They bear the Weasley Family Crust!
-
George
Reply: Does anyone have a blowtorch?
- Ron
------------------
POST 2: Arrived at Hogwarts Express.
Met scrawny poof with wicked scar.
THOSE EYES!!!!!
Bloody Hell, it's Harry Potter!
And I think he finds me strangely
attractive!
He even bought me chocolate frogs,
a pack of Drooble's Best Blow Gum and
a bag of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans!
Current Mood: Enamored
Comment: Umm... did you say these beans were EVERY
flavor?
-
Harry [biting into creamy white bean]
Reply: Yeah, which
flavor did you get?
- Ron
Comment: Umm... well it tastes like Percy's Spermatoza Ejaculata.
-
Harry
Reply: What?
- Ron
Comment: His liquid love...
-
Harry
Reply: Huh?
- Ron
Comment: His Manjuice!
-
Harry
Reply: Percy's Manjuice?! But how would YOU know what THAT tastes like?!
- Ron
Comment: Oh... uh... lucky guess?
-
Harry [blushing]
------------------
POST 3: Decided to impress the cocksucker with magic spell.
Maybe I'll turn Scabbers into a gerbil.
Then Harry could put this stupid fat rat to some use.
Ahem... [waving magic wand]
Soothing gel, remedy herbal,
Turn this rat into a gerbil!
Current Mood: Nothing happened.
Comment: Are you sure that's a real spell?
Well, it's not very good, is it?
-
Hermione
Comment: Thank God it isn't, you stupid Mudblood bitch!!!
That's disgusting!!!
I will not go where no rat has gone
before!!!
What do I look like, Captain Kirk?
Where the fuck is Lord Voldimort?
- Scabbers
------------------
POST 4: Harry was sorted into Gryffindor.
George suggested that we initiate the poor scrawny poof.
Fred started a waiting list for the First Official Harry Potter Gangbang.
56 people signed up.
I was number 56.
Bloody hell! First I get Fred's second
hand briefs,
then I get his sloppy fifty-sixths!
Why do I always get hand-me-downs?
Current Mood: Frustrated
Comment: What?!!! That's outrageous!!!
I'll curse you all if you even ATTEMPT!!!
That's it! I'm jinxing the list!
I'm jinxing the bloody list!!!
-
Hermione
Comment: Are you sure you don't want to sign up?
-
Fred and George
Comment: Oh, shut it!
-
Hermione
------------------
POST 5: Flitwick had erectile
dysfunction.
Hermione cast Wingardium Erectosa.
The spell misfired.
Harry and I got matching stiffies.
I needed a cold shower.
Harry wanted us to take a cold shower... together.
Took cold shower... together.
Harry wanted to stick the head... in.
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOWWWWW!!!!!!!
Current Mood: That bloody hurt!
Comment: [Storming into
the boy's shower and
catching the blokes in the act]
Oh for heaven's sake!!!
Stop! Stop this at once!!!
Ron, how could you?!!!
Harry, take that thing outta there!!!
-
Hermione
Reply: Hermione, what the hell are you doing here?
We're naked! This is the boy's shower!
[turning to Harry]
No wonder she doesn't have any friends...
- Ron
Comment: Boo hoo. I'm gonna go cry in
the Girl's Bathroom...
-
Hermione [storming out of the shower]
Comment: But... isn't the horny troll going to the
Girl's Bathroom?
-
Harry
Reply: Does that mean we have to go save her?
- Ron
Comment: Does that mean I have to take the head out?
-
Harry
------------------
POST 6: Went to the Quidditch match against Slytherin.
Harry really knows how to ride his broomstick.
Snape really knows how to jinx Harry's broomstick.
Hermione really knows how to set Snape on fire.
Snape really knows how to tie Hermione up.
I really know how to tie Hermione up.
Harry really knows...
Current mood: Distracted
Comment: Ron, pay attention to the game!
Harry just caught the snitch!
He... erm...
swallowed it.
-
Hermione
Reply: He swallows?!!
- Ron
Comment: Oh, he definitely swallows.
-
Percy
Comment: I resent that! I spit it out!
Well, most of it...
-
Harry
------------------
POST 7: Decided to teach the Deep Throat how to play Locker Room
Chess.
This is exactly like Muggle Chess except:
a) The figures are alive
b) They wear nothing but a bath towel
c) "The Queen" is a poof in drag
d) The object of the game is have your
chess pieces
shag their way across the board and deflower
your opponent's King (who looks remarkably like Elvis)
Harry, it's your move!
Current mood: Excited
Comment: Move me!
Move me! I want to shag some of
those
delicious virginal young pawns!!!
-
The Bishop
Comment: Oh no, darling, move me!
I spot a bashful young knight that needs
to be plucked.
-
The Queen
Comment: What?!!!
That's totally barbaric!!!
-
Hermione
Comment: Oh no, Miss Thing!! You did not just call
MY royal ass barbaric!
Look at you! You call that a hairstyle?
Honey, have you ever thought of
shampooing with weed repellant?
Mmmm hmmm... and look at those chunky thighs....
Girlfriend, they have creams for THAT
problem!
-
The Queen
Comment: RON, I - AM - GOING - TO - MURDER - YOU -
FOR - THIS!!!!
I am being insulted by a bloody chess
piece!!!
And look at it... the "Queen" can't even
keep her falsies
from popping out from behind her
towel!
That's indecent!!! There are pawns on that chessboard!!!
-
Hermione
Comment: [adjusting her towel to remedy the
indecent exposure]
I deeply apologize if my breast baring
corrupted any innocent pawns.
It was a wardrobe malfunction...
-
The Queen
Comment: Now which one of you innocent pawns am I
going to fuck?
-
The Bishop
------------------
POST 8: Hermione left for the holidays.
Harry and I were finally alone...
Harry wanted to play "Pop Goes The Weasel."
This time, I was prepared!
Slicked my delicate flower with:
- Preparation H
- Analeze
- Barbecue sauce
- Orajel
- Crisco
- Baby oil
- Grease
- Vaseline
- Butter
Come and get it!!!
Current Mood: Lubed and primed
Comment: Umm... nevermind.
-
Harry
------------------
POST 9: Went on a secret quest to find the Sorcerer's Stone.
Hagrid told us that the Stone has something to do with Nicolas Flamel.
Who the fuck is Nicolas Flamel?
We've looked everywhere in the library,
but we just can't seem to find any information on him.
Hermione suggested that we look in the Restricted Section...
The Restricted Section?
Current Mood: Nervous
Comment: I love the Restricted Section!!!
-
Fred
Comment: I'm sure you do, you dirty whore!
No wonder my Vaseline is missing!
-
George
Comment: I don't know what you're talking about!
I never saw the empty canister of
Vaseline
that I accidentally left on the fourth
shelf from the right.
And Crabbe had
nothing to do with it...
-
Fred
Comment: You prolific slut! I knew you were having
some Crabbe-meat!
And you didn't even invite me!!!!
-
George
Reply: Do we really have to look in the Restricted Section?
- Ron
------------------
POST 10: Went to the Quidditch match against Hufflepuff.
Wore favorite jumper.
Brought pom-poms.
Sat in front of Malfoy. Malfoy poked me.
I told him I was saving myself for
Harry.
He told me he was saving himself for
Harry.
I bitchslapped that albino fairy!
He pulled my hair! I leapt on top of
him!
Current Mood: Pointed
Comment: Get the fuck off of me, you indigent
pervert!
-
Malfoy
Reply: My arse is worth twelve of yours,
Malfoy!!!
- Ron
Comment: You should know, Weasley...
You have to sell it to pay for your
tuition!!!
-
Malfoy
Reply: [ripping off Malfoy's leather
chastity belt]
It's time I gave this little bitch a cherry update!
- Ron
------------------
POST 11: Neville stopped me from deflowering Malfoy.
Hate Neville.
Hermione hexed Neville with Petrificus Totalus.
Love Hermione.
Followed Harry and Hermione to the third floor
to stop Snape from stealing the Sorcerer's Stone.
The trap-door was guarded by Fluffy.
Fluffy only falls asleep to music.
Fortunately, Harry brought Hagrid's flute.
Harry put the flute to his lips and blew...
Current Mood: Fluffy fell asleep
Comment: Great work, Harry! Where did you learn to blow like that?
-
Hermione
Comment: No comment...
-
Harry [blushing]
------------------
POST 12: Entered chamber with giant chessboard.
Bloody hell, we need to shag our way across the room.
I became a Knight.
Hermione became a Rook.
Harry became the Queen...
Well that wasn't exactly a stretch.
Let the game begin!
Current Mood: We're winning!
Comment: Ron, what're you doing?
Put your second hand jock-strap back on!
The enemy Bishop is approaching!
-
Hermione
Reply: I've got to be taken, Hermione!
It's the only way Harry can checkmate the King!
- Ron
Comment: No Ron!
You can't do it!!!
You promised your semi-virgin arse to me!!!
-
Harry
Reply: I'm sorry, mate!
I will make the ultimate sacrifice!
You must go on without me!
You must save the Sorcerer's Stone!
You must...
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!
- Ron
------------------
POST 13: Harry saved the Sorcerer's
Stone.
Hermione saved my semi-virgin arse.
She hexed the bloody bishop before he could pillage my prostate!
So now I'm sixteen years old, and I still haven't fully been plugged.
BUGGER! Well, maybe next year...
Current Mood: Hopeful
Comment:
Definitely next year!
-
Harry
Comment: Absolutely not! I will curse you if you ATTEMPT!
-
Hermione
Reply: Does anyone have any rope?
- Ron
------------------------------------------------------
Looking for more? Here are excerpts from future postings of The Very Secret LiveJournals!
Percy Weasley
POST: I am not a Size Queen.
Length and girth are irrelevant.
Size doesn't matter.
It's the technique that counts.
Bottomed for Marcus Flint.
You call THAT a penis???
Current Mood: Astonished
Comment:
I thought size didn't matter!
-
Marcus
Reply: It doesn't...
So long as you have a big dick!
- Percy
------------------
Ginny Weasley
POST: Had a huge blowout with agent
over being excluded from Book 1.
I was promised a lead, and all I got were two bloody lines!
"Nine and three-quarters... Mommy, can't I
go..."
"Oh, Mom, can I go on the train and see him, Mom, oh please..."
GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK!!!!!!
WHO WROTE THIS APPALLING DIALOGUE, ANYWAY?!!!!!
Current Mood: Fuming
Comment:
I DID, YOU PRIMA DONNA BITCH!
- J.K. Rowling
Reply: HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME LIKE
THAT!!!!!
I'M THE CELEBRITY, GODDAMMIT!!!!!
- Ginny
Comment:
AND I'M THE BILLIONAIRE AUTHOR,
SWEETHEART!
YOU'LL DO WHAT I TELL YOU, AND YOU BETTER LIKE IT!
-
J.K. Rowling
Reply: WHAT?!!!!!!! ARE YOU
THREATENING ME?!!!!!!
I BLEW CHRIS COLUMBUS FOR THIS PART!!!!!
- Ginny
Comment:
AND YOU'LL BE BLOWING VOLDEMORT BY THE TIME I'M DONE WITH YOU!
NOW READ YOUR FUCKING LINES!
-
J.K. Rowling
Author notes: Thanks again for the fantastic feedback! One reviewer read Post 5 (the “cold shower” scene) and wanted to know which “head” Harry stuck in his best mate. Well, umm, it wasn’t the shower head, and it wasn’t the head with the lightening bolt scar… so… umm… I hope that helps!
PLEASE REVIEW!