- Rating:
- R
- House:
- Riddikulus
- Characters:
- Draco Malfoy Harry Potter Oliver Wood
- Genres:
- Humor Parody
- Era:
- Multiple Eras
- Spoilers:
- Philosopher's Stone Chamber of Secrets Prizoner of Azkaban Goblet of Fire Order of the Phoenix Quidditch Through the Ages Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them
- Stats:
-
Published: 01/11/2004Updated: 08/02/2004Words: 14,801Chapters: 7Hits: 7,361
The Very Secret LiveJournals
Arrmaitee
- Story Summary:
- SLASH! PARODY! These raunchy journal entries expose the burning, secret``thoughts and desires of Hogwarts’ sex-crazed students and staff! Warning:``contains excessive references to Harry’s eyes, Draco’s cherry, cold showers,``kinky leather goodies, and a virgin sacrifice for Uncle Voldie!
Chapter 03
- Chapter Summary:
- SLASH! PARODY! These raunchy journal entries expose the burning, secret thoughts and desires of Hogwarts’ sex-crazed students and staff! Warning: contains excessive references to Harry’s eyes, Draco’s cherry, Wood’s panties, Vaseline, rope, cold showers, kinky leather goodies, and a virgin sacrifice for Uncle Voldie!
- Posted:
- 01/30/2004
- Hits:
- 818
- Author's Note:
- Inspired by and Dedicated to Cassandra Claire
My Very Secret LiveJournal
by
Hogwarts' Faculty and Staff
1991-92
Madam Hooch
POST: Arrived at Hogwarts.
Attended faculty meeting.
Hit on Poppy.
Hit on Minerva.
Hit on Sibyll.
Aren't there any dykes in this
Hellhole?!!!
Current Mood: D'you have to ask?
Comment: You didn't hit on me!
-
Rita Skeeter
Reply: [Shudders]
- Madam Hooch
------------------
Professor McGonagall
POST: Recruited Potter to be the new
Gryffindor Seeker.
THOSE EYES!
Got hit on by Madam Hooch.
Slapped Madam Hooch.
Got hit on by Oliver Wood.
Gave Wood herpes.
I mean... it was the twins!
Current Mood: Conflicted
Comment: I knew it!!!
-
Fred
Comment: Did not!!! I was the one that said that
your
STD didn't cause Wood's condition!
-
George
Comment: I DO NOT HAVE A SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED
DISEASE!!!
-
Fred
Comment: Then what do you call those warts on your arse?
-
George
Comment: THOSE ARE SPEED BUMPS!!!
SPEED BUMPS!!!
-
Fred
Reply: Note to self - never, ever, ever shag Fred.
- Minerva
------------------
Madam Hooch
POST: Invited Oliver Wood over for
dinner.
The conversation was... riveting.
Wood's brief discussion of Quidditch ethics
turned into a three hour exegesis.
When I regained consciousness, Wood was gone.
So were all of my panties.
GODDAMMIT WOOD!!!!!
Current Mood: Furious
Comment: Hey, don't look at me! I'm not the twisted
fuck
writing this crap! I just wanted to... CENSORED.
- Wood
Author's
Note: Ignore him. He's a bipolar
paranoid borderline schizophrenic
whose been skipping
his meds...
Comment: I have not been skipping my meds! I ran
out!
And I still can't believe you made me... CENSORED.
-
Wood
------------------
Professor Flitwick
POST: Invited Pomona Sprout over for
saucy lovefest.
Couldn't get it up...
Pomona's herbal remedies
didn't work.
Afraid to ask Severus for magic
potion.
Maybe I should use a charm...
What was it?
Wingardium Erectosa?
Current Mood: Frustrated
Comment: Isn't it WIN-gar-dee-um
ERECT-oh-sa?
-
Ron [waving his wand like a
madman]
Comment: No, no, no! You're going to poke someone's
eye out!
And you're saying it WRONG!!!!!
It's win-GAAAAR-dee-um Er-ec-TOOOOH-sa!
Make the GAR nice and long!
-
Hermione
Comment: You do it, then, if you're so clever.
-
Ron
Comment: WinGARdium ErectOsa!
-
Hermione [demonstrating
proper wand technique]
Reply: Oh, well done! Everyone see here,
Miss Granger's done it!
- Professor Flitwick
[admiring his augmented crotch]
Comment: I know... I need a cold shower.
-
Ron [covering his boner and
blushing severely]
Comment: Me too.
D'you wanna take one... together?
-
Harry
------------------
Professor Quirrell
POST: Troll in the dungeon!
Troll in the dungeon!
[grabbing his newly buggered arse]
Thought you ought to know!
Current Mood: Passed Out
Comment: Isn't the troll supposed to be... well
endowed?
-
Percy
Comment: I hear it carries a big stick.
-
Pansy
Comment: I went looking for the troll...
I thought I could handle it...
-
Hermione
Comment: I find the troll strangely attractive.
-
Harry
Comment: D'you think the
troll is wearing panties?
-
Wood
Comment: That's disgusting!!!
Can somebody unstrap my leather chastity belt?
-
Malfoy
Comment: I'd be happy to... unstrap it.
-
Professor Snape
Comment: I am soooo going
to the dungeon!
-
Fred
Comment: You dirty whore, the troll is mine!
-
George
Comment: Do you think I can help the troll with its
cherry update?
-
Bloody Baron
Comment: Yeh're too late.
I "updated" the troll when we had a fling last year...
- Hagrid
Comment: Did the troll scream real loud?
- Crabbe
------------------
Albus Dumbledore
POST: Harry discovered the delights of
the Mirror of Erised.
The Mirror shows us our most desperate and deepest desire.
Harry looked into the Mirror and saw Hermione bound and gagged,
so that someone could finally ATTEMPT!
Ron looked into the mirror and saw himself binding and gagging Hermione!
I looked into the mirror and saw myself ATTEMPTING
while Ron was busy binding and gagging Hermione with new woolen socks!
Current Mood: Bouncy
Comment: YOU'RE SICK!!! YOU'RE ALL SICK!!!!
The only person who can tie me up is Snape!!!
And he wouldn't LOWER HIMSELF to use
socks!!!
-
Hermione
Comment: WHAT?!!!!!!!
-
Harry and Ron
Comment: Well, you're not the only students that
looked into the Mirror...
-
Hermione
Reply: That's it... I'm moving the Mirror
tomorrow!
- Albus
------------------
Rubeus Hagrid
POST: Won dragon's egg from stranger in
pub.
The egg hatched... Norbert emerged.
Here Norbert, Norbert, Norbert...
Do yeh wanna play with yer Mommy?
Mommy doesn' bite...
OWWWW!!!!!
No, I wasn't cheatin' on yeh...
I jus' wanted ta heavy pet Fluffy!
OWWWW!!!!!
Current Mood: Burnt
Comment: What kinda twisted poof wants me to call him Mommy?
I think I'll burn down his hut!
-
Norbert
------------------
Madam Hooch
POST: Haven't been laid in six months.
Straddled random broomstick out of desperation.
It was Harry's Nimbus 2000!
Well somebody had to test its aerodynamic capabilities!
Hope he won't notice...
Current Mood: Sore
Comment: I got stuck to my broomstick during Quidditch training.
I wonder why?
-
Harry
Reply: Umm... humidity?
- Madam Hooch
Comment: In Scotland? In Winter?
- Fred and George
------------------
Argus Filch
POST: Crabbe got detention for making excessive noise after curfew.
Dragged his arse into my office.
Hung him up by his wrists from the ceiling.
Broke out my well oiled chains.
Broke out my whip.
Broke out my kinky leather goodies.
Made the little bitch call me Master Filch.
Made him scream REAL LOUD!
Current Mood: Aroused
Comment: That's outrageous!!! What kinda pervert uses bondage in detention?!
-
Hermione
Comment: What kinda pervert names his cat Mrs. Norris?
-
Ron
------------------
Professor McGonagall
POST: Transfigured self into cat.
Shagged Mrs. Norris.
Transfigured self into ghost.
Shagged Professor Binns.
Transfigured self into Deputy Headmistress.
Shagged the Headmaster.
And the Ministry wonders why I haven't had time
to grade my N.E.W.T.s.
Current Mood: Chafed
Comment: Can't you transfigure yourself into a
lesbian?
-
Madam Hooch
Comment: I'm a lesbian.
-
Professor Grubbly-Plank
Comment: You're not in the story until Book 4.
-
Madam Hooch
Comment: But... but I have a six inch tongue!
-
Professor Grubbly-Plank
Comment: [shudders]
-
Madam Hooch
------------------
Madam Hooch
POST: Broke into Severus'
office.
Stole Polyjuice.
Broke into Albus' office.
Stole random strand of hair conveniently lying around.
Broke into Minerva's office.
Fucked Minerva.
I love Polyjuice!
------------------
Looking for more? Here are excerpts from future postings of The Very Secret LiveJournals!
Neville Longbottom
POST: Walked to first flying lesson.
Found very interesting weed hidden in bushes.
Found very interesting bong conveniently lying next to weed.
Smoked very interesting weed in bong.
[cough] Arrived at flying lesson.
[cough] Climbed on broomstick.
I'M FLYYYYING!!!!!!!!!!
OHHHHHHH FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!
Current Mood: Das some good shit!
Comment: Longbottom! Get
down here this instant!
You have fall and break your wrist so
that I can take you
to the infirmary and hit on Poppy!
-
Madam Hooch
Reply: [cough] BUT I'M
FLYYYYYYYYYING!!!!!!!!!!
OWWW... MY WRIST!
- Neville
------------------
Lord Voldemort
POST: Met Professor Quirrell in Albania.
Kinky bastard wanted me to give him head.
I did...
Author notes: Thanks for all of the reviews! Before you all start flaming me, Professor Snape will get his own Very Secret LiveJournal (which is why he didn’t post on this one).
PLEASE REVIEW!