- Rating:
- R
- House:
- Riddikulus
- Characters:
- Draco Malfoy Harry Potter Oliver Wood
- Genres:
- Humor Parody
- Era:
- Multiple Eras
- Spoilers:
- Philosopher's Stone Chamber of Secrets Prizoner of Azkaban Goblet of Fire Order of the Phoenix Quidditch Through the Ages Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them
- Stats:
-
Published: 01/11/2004Updated: 08/02/2004Words: 14,801Chapters: 7Hits: 7,361
The Very Secret LiveJournals
Arrmaitee
- Story Summary:
- SLASH! PARODY! These raunchy journal entries expose the burning, secret``thoughts and desires of Hogwarts’ sex-crazed students and staff! Warning:``contains excessive references to Harry’s eyes, Draco’s cherry, cold showers,``kinky leather goodies, and a virgin sacrifice for Uncle Voldie!
Chapter 02
- Chapter Summary:
- SLASH! PARODY! These raunchy journal entries expose the burning, secret thoughts and desires of Hogwarts’ sex-crazed students and staff! Warning: contains excessive references to Harry’s eyes, Draco’s cherry, Wood’s panties, Vaseline, rope, cold showers, kinky leather goodies, and a virgin sacrifice for Uncle Voldie!
- Posted:
- 01/18/2004
- Hits:
- 980
- Author's Note:
- Inspired by and Dedicated to Cassandra Claire
My Very Secret LiveJournal
by
Draco Malfoy
1991-92
POST 1: Father wouldn't let me wear leather to Diagon Alley.
Threatened to tell Mum about his hanky panky with Professor Snape.
Wore leather to Diagon Alley.
Threatened to tell Mum about his hanky panky with Dumbledore.
Got new leather wardrobe and matching racing broom.
Threatened to tell Mum about his hanky panky with Uncle Voldie.
Got the charge card.
Cherry update: still intact.
Current Mood: Manipulative
Comment: Cherry update?
- Crabbe
Comment: Uh, I think he means that a well oiled
phallus hasn't penetrated
the terminal orifice of his alimentary
canal.
- Goyle
Comment: Huh?
- Crabbe
Comment: I mean... that he hasn't lost his virginity.
- Goyle
Comment: Huh?
- Crabbe
Comment: Remember when I made you scream real loud?
- Goyle
------------------
POST 2: Met scrawny poof in Madam Malkin's Robes for all Occasions.
THOSE EYES!
Scrawny poof finds me strangely attractive.
I am extremely attractive!
I wonder if he likes to be tied up?
Note to self - must bind scrawny poof with kinky leather goodies.
Current Mood: Experimental
Comment: Umm, that's actually a belt...
Not a "kinky leather goody."
You're supposed to... umm... wear it...
-
Madam Malkin
Comment: What's a kinky leather goody?
- Crabbe
Comment: Uh, remember when Filch made you scream real
loud?
- Goyle
------------------
POST 3: Met scrawny poof on Hogwarts Express...
Merlin's beard, it's Harry Potter!
THIS IS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!
MY ONE TRUE WHIPPING BOY!
I must offer him my monogrammed leather paddle!
WHAT?!!!!!!
He rejected MY paddle?!!!
He accused ME of being "the wrong sort!!!"
HE MUST BE DISCIPLINED!!!
Current Mood: Heated
Comment: STOP!!! STOP!!! Stop this at once! Put that paddle down!!!
I... I will curse you if you even ATTEMPT...
OWW!!!
-
Hermione
------------------
POST 4: Arrived at Hogwarts.
Insulted Weasley.
Sorted into Slytherin.
Insulted Weasley again.
Got hit on by the Bloody Baron...
Insulted Weas...
Did I just get hit on by a dirty ghost?
Current Mood: Appalled
Comment: I was hoping to help you with your cherry
update!
And I'm not dirty... I'm bloody...
There's a difference!!!
-
Bloody Baron [miffed]
Comment: Can a House Ghost really pop a bloke's cherry?
-
Pansy [shrieking with laughter]
Comment: Why d'you think I'm called the Bloody Baron?
-
Bloody Baron
------------------
POST 5: First potions class...
Snape insulted "our new celebrity."
Love Snape.
Snape offered me extra credit potions assignment.
Really love Snape.
Must meet Snape in dungeon at midnight
to test drive a new extra credit potion.
Since when is Vaseline a potion?
Current Mood: Surprised
Comment: Vaseline is a potion because it makes the
perfect magical base
for an internal exfoliating
treatment. It prevents burning and
chafing and pays extra special attention
to the rough spots.
-
Professor Snape
Comment: And trust me, your assignment will be rough.
-
Fred
Comment: And if you develop spots, go see Poppy.
-
George
------------------
POST 6: Met Snape in dungeon for extra
credit potions assignment.
Wore leather chastity belt, just in case.
Snape seemed rather annoyed at my leather
undergarments.
Didn't get extra credit.
Hate Snape.
Current Mood: Livid
Comment: Malfoy, if you're too virginal to use the
"extra credit" potion,
can I borrow it? I ran
out of my personal stash.
-
Fred
Comment: You dirty whore, you're cheating on me!
You've been here less than a week!
- George
Comment: I am not!
I use it for my daily... uh... massage.
And Goyle has
strong hands.
-
Fred
Comment: I'm sure he does... you unfaithful
bastard!!!
And to think I felt guilty about making Crabbe scream real loud!!!
-
George
Comment: You fucked Crabbe?!!! You prolific slut!!!
You're not getting any tonight!!!
-
Fred
Reply: I really need to disable public comments on my LiveJournal...
- Draco
------------------
POST 7: First flying lesson.
Ridiculed Longbottom.
Stole his Remembrall.
Potter threatened to assault me if I didn't "give it up."
I didn't know he was that kinky...
I should ask him out on a date...
Cherry update: will "give it up"
Current Mood: Hopeful
Comment: Oh no, no, no...
I already pledged your virginity to Uncle
Voldie as an initiation gift...
Think of yourself as a Virgin Sacrifice!
The Dark Lord loves ravaging fresh meat!
Why do you think I got MY Dark Mark?
- Lucius
Reply: [gulp]
- Draco
------------------
POST 8: Challenged Potter to a Wizard's Duel.
This was really a pretense for our first date.
Needed to trick filthy Mudblood into thinking it
wasn't a date.
Filthy Mudblood figured out secret plan.
Filthy Mudblood cursed me with body-bind jinx because
I ATTEMPTED.
Hate filthy Mudblood.
Current Mood: Will someone say Finite Incantatum? Puh-leeze!!!
Comment: But you stood me up!!! You blokes are all the same...
-
Harry
Reply: What're you talking about?
I'm tied to my fucking bed!!!
- Draco
Comments: None...
Reply: POTTER? GODDAMMIT!
SOMEONE UNTIE ME!!!
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT THE FILTHY MUDBLOOD WAS SO KINKY!!!
- Draco
------------------
POST 9: Quidditch match: Gryffindor vs. Slytherin
Potter hasn't spoken to me since I "stood him up."
Potter caught the snitch.
He swallowed it.
He swallows?!!!
Current Mood: Surprised
Comment: Oh, he definitely swallows...
-
Percy
Reply: Now I'm really going to kill that filthy Mudblood!!!
- Draco
------------------
POST 10: Went home for Christmas.
Potter still hasn't spoken to me.
Damn, he holds grudges...
Father was acting kinda funny all break.
Fortunately I can outrun him.
Cherry update: still intact [Thank God!]
Current Mood: Relieved
Comment: Just wait until your initiation...
-
Uncle Voldie
Comment: What's initiation?
- Crabbe
Comment: Remember when your dad made you scream real
loud?
- Goyle
------------------
POST 11: Got Potter in trouble for harboring stupid dragon...
Had to spend detention with him in Forbidden Forest.
Hate Forbidden Forest.
Potter finally spoke to me.
Love Forbidden Forest.
Finally, we had our first date.
Current Mood: Enamored
Comment: You call that a date? You deserted me...
again!!!
Why does everyone always have to abandon
me?
-
Harry
Reply: But... we ran into Uncle Voldie!
I had to protect my... assets!
- Draco
Comment: Uncle Voldie?
-
Harry
------------------
POST 12: Ha ha! I made it through the year and I'm still a
virgin.
[inspects] Yep, cherry's still intact.
Nobody will pop the precious!
It's mine, Mine, MINE!!!
Author's Note: [Suddenly, Harry finds
the Sorcerer's Stone and all of the
underage
students at Hogwarts immediately become sixteen-years-old.]
POST 12 [cont.]: Holy fuck, how did I suddenly become sixteen?
Shit, I can't still be a virgin!
[inspects again] Goddammit!
My father lost his virginity at fourteen!
People will start talking!
Are they already talking?
MERLIN'S BEARD!
SOMEBODY FUCK ME! PLEASE!!!
Current Mood: Desperate
Comments: None
Reply: ANYBODY!!! I'M OPEN FOR BUSINESS!!!
Comments: None
Reply: Potter?
Comments: None
Reply: Weasley?
Comments: None
Reply: Crabbe? Goyle?
Comments: None
Reply: Professor Snape?
Comments: None
Reply: Bloody Baron?
Comments: None
Reply: Uncle Voldie?
Comments: None
Reply: Dad?
------------------
Looking for more? Here is an excerpt from a future posting of The Very Secret LiveJournals!
Blaise Zabini
POST: Am I a boy? Am I a
girl?
Am I a boy? Am I a girl?
Christ, I don't know whether I'm supposed to
get a French Manicure or a French Tickler!
Current Mood: Perplexed
Comment: Hey, I have no fucking clue what I am
either...
D'you wanna... go out on Friday night?
-
Moon
Reply: You mean... [sniffle] you'd go out with... me?
[tearful sob] I'VE
FELT SO EMPTY!!!!!
[gasp] NOW I HAVE MEANING IN MY LIFE!!!
[deep breath] TAKE MEEEEEEEE!!!!
- Blaise
Comment: On second thought, I might have other plans...
-
Moon
Reply: NNNNNNNOOOOWWWWW!!!!
- Blaise
Comment: Umm, I'm calling security...
-
Moon
Author notes: Hello again. I had such a blast writing this LiveJournal! For those who were wondering, Moon is a character who was mentioned during the Sorting Ceremony in Chapter 7 of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. J.K. Rowling did not indicate which whether Moon was a boy or a girl, or which House (s)he was sorted into. Hence, (s)he’s a perfect match for Blaise!
PLEASE REVIEW!