Without Wand or Wire

WolfenMoondaughter

Story Summary:
Summer after the Trio's fifth year. Ron and Hermione get closer, while Harry grows distant from everyone -- including himself. Snape is reunited with someone from his past. Draco's life spirals out of control. Love blooms, and strange alliances are made. Black wings bring strange dreams. What wonders can wireless music and a little wandless magic work? HP/GW, RW/HG, SB/RL (slashy), DM/PP, BW/FD, NT/OC (slashy), PW/PC, SS/OC, AW/MW. Snape, Petunia, Draco, and Pansy redemption. Songfic. Illustrated. WARNING: includes graphic descriptions of self-harm. This fic DOES NOT encourage such behavior, but if you are bothered by the idea of Harry harming himself, even when it's portrayed as something he has to *overcome*, then do not read this fic.

Chapter 26

Chapter Summary:
In this chapter: Snape can't sleep, so he decides to empty his head a little. He finds a surprise in the form of James Potter hidden among his memories in the Pensieve. ... Snape redemption. Some songfic moments.
Posted:
10/03/2005
Hits:
2,181
Author's Note:
Wow, and entire chapter that's basically just one scene!

As Fae and Draco were spending the afternoon with the Weasleys and other members of the Order, Snape decided to head back to his rooms to try to sleep. Part of him thought he ought to talk to Draco, but really, until Pansy was found, what could he offer the boy but empty words? His godson was in safe enough company at the moment. Snape needed rest if he was going to be of any use if and when Voldemort finally contacted them.

Snape's familiar, a black dwarf rabbit named Graymalkin, greeted him with a coo, and danced around his feet. He had originally intended the rabbit as a test subject for his potions, but the first time he went to actually test something on the animal, it had licked his hand. And kept on licking. Anytime Snape was within reach, the little beastie seemed to insist on showering affection upon him. Had the animal been human, Snape would have balked at that show, certainly. But in his own rooms, away from prying eyes, he allowed himself this small comfort, this companionship -- no matter how much he might believe he didn’t deserve it.

And as the rabbit couldn't understand anything he said anyway, he could speak freely around it. Speaking aloud helped him to think out his problems, and it was easier to do that if he had something to talk at, so he didn’t feel so self-conscious. He firmly maintained to himself that using the bunny as a sounding board did not mean he was crazy, or that he was really even the kind of person who talked to animals as a matter of course. And he certainly didn’t talk baby-talk to the rabbit! But sometimes he let himself believe, just for a moment or two, that the way Graymalkin stared at him with its strange blue eyes, or the way the rabbit tilted his head and cocked his ears, meant the animal did indeed understand his problems, and sympathised when few others would. Of course, with the next breath Snape would say that the best thing about the rabbit was that it could not fathom his words, and therefore could not pass judgment or reveal his secrets.

No one but Albus, Minerva, Fae (who had bullied her way into his room one day), and Draco knew anything about Graymalkin. Snape had pointedly informed them that the rabbit was just there for spellwork; it was not a "pet". As far as they knew, it didn’t even have a name. And they had, thankfully, never asked why the creature had free rein of his rooms, despite its penchant for climbing shelves, chewing books, leaving little "presents" everywhere, and getting into the damndest places.

He couldn't have the students thinking he'd gone soft, after all.

Snape cleaned the litter pan (and the nearby floor), then gave the critter fresh water, pellets, timothy hay, and a few bits of apple. He didn’t even realise he was smiling as he watched the bunny race around happily for a moment, flicking its ears and leaping into the air, before it began munching contentedly on a piece of apple. After scratching it behind the ears, Snape got to his feet, walked stiffly to his bed, and dropped down upon the aged mattress.

Ten minutes later, he was relatively certain he wasn't going to be getting any sleep, not with all the thoughts swimming around his head -- and the guilt-born butterflies in his stomach.

"This is stupid," he told the rabbit, who had abandoned its repast and was now dancing at his feet again. "I won't be any good to anyone without any sleep." He considered a Dreamless Sleep potion, but knew that taking such a thing too often really did more harm than good. A person needed theta waves to maintain their sanity, and the only way to get them was by dreaming. Maybe if he just got rid of the thoughts that were really bothering him, he might even have some nice dreams.

He took his Pensieve off the shelf and lay it down on the table. He lifted his wand to his temple and drew out silvery strands, one after another. Graymalkin hopped onto a nearby chair, then leapt onto the table, curious. The rabbit sniffed at the bowl, then wrinkled its nose and sneezed. Snape gave it a rare smile, then went back to removing memories. After a bit, he even started to draw thoughts arbitrarily -- he'd be putting them back in after a good, long nap, so what did it matter if he took out some extra? Finally satisfied that his head was sufficiently empty -- enough to sleep -- he stopped. But before he could turn away from the Pensieve and stumble to his bed, he noticed a flash of something in the bowl, something that was not familiar. It was the face of James Potter, but not from any memory he recognised. And what was more, the image glowed with a strange light, bordering on gold rather than silver, and shining brighter than the rest of his thoughts.

[Snape, using his Pensieve, with Graymalkin looking on ...]

Curious, he drew up a stool, tied his hair back, and sank his face into the liquid.

He was outside, on the grounds of Hogwarts, not far from the lake. The atmosphere had that strange, golden quality to it, the kind of haze that many attributed to nostalgic memories of lazy summer afternoons.

Severus Snape had never been that kind of person.

A sad, quiet melody played. Snape just barely heard the words.

I search myself and everyone
to see where we went wrong
’Cause there’s no one left to finger
There’s no one here to blame
There’s no one left to talk to, honey,
and there ain’t no one to buy our innocence
’Cause we are born innocent
Believe me Adia, we are still innocent
It’s easy, we all falter
Does it matter?

Under a willow tree sat James Potter, as if he had never left that spot where he'd spent so many days with his friends. He was older, though, as old as he'd been when he'd been killed. Was this a dream Snape'd had, then? One he'd forgotten upon waking? Very puzzled, Snape took a tentative step forward, when someone stepped through him. He watched the newcomer taking the same path he'd been about to take, but with a quick, angry gait. It was himself -- the self of the memory. The Snape of the present hurried to catch up with the past. As he went, the strange, melancholy tune continued, with words that seemed just out of reach. He looked about, but could not pinpoint the sound.

[James Potter, sitting against a tree in the Pensieve...]

He reached them just in time to hear his past self spit, "James Potter! What the bloody hell are you doing here?"

"I came to ask your help in protecting my son, Snivellus," James told him without preamble.

The memory-Snape snorted. "Fine way of asking, calling me that! Besides, it's not like you can say I've forgotten my debt to you, Potter! I've been doing my part, but your son's not exactly making it easy -- for any of us. You did the boy a great disservice, passing on you over-inflated ego to him," he added with a sneer.

James looked skyward. "I told you he wasn't going to listen!" The golden clouds overhead grew pink for just a moment. James sighed. "Fine." He turned his attention back to memory-Snape. "Come with me."

Memory-Snape narrowed his eyes. "Why? Give me one good reason for trusting you, after all your lot did to me?"

James gave him half a smile. "Well, at least you didn’t say 'no' outright. How about for Lily's sake, then? Because Harry is her son too, and you loved her?"

Memory-Snape scoffed. "Whatever gave you that ridiculous idea?"

With a smirk that bordered on evil, James repeated Snape's confession to Lupin from the previous night -- in Snape's own voice, even! And then he added, in his own voice," The dead see everything -- even as we are virtually powerless to do anything about what we see."

The observer-Snape felt cold sweep over him, and decided, by the way he shivered, that the memory-Snape must be feeling the same sensation. This wasn't a dream! This was really the spirit of Potter! But … in the few documented cases of communion with the dead that he'd ever heard of, it had always been a spirit contacting a loved one. Why would the elder Potter come to him? Why not just talk to his son directly?

Apparently anticipating his former rival's questions, James said, "Look Sni--ape, I know there's no love lost between us, and rightly so. I know I was a complete prat to you, just as you know you had all the social skills of a badger at high tea -- still do, really. And you also know now that something is terribly, terribly wrong with Harry. You've seen the scars; you know he's taken up self-harm. He's using the pain to combat psychic attacks by Voldemort, but it's also keeping Lily and I from being able to reach him as well. He needs help with Occlumency, and you're the only person who can do it."

"Your boy had his chance to learn that from me, Potter, and he practically spat in my face! He willfully violated my privacy! And he was hopeless at it anyway! Face it, Potter, your son's too thick in the head to be taught anything useful!"

Potter's eyes flashed angrily. "For your information, Snape, Harry's problem is that he's become too effective at Occlumency, to the point where we worry he's going to lose himself! He's building such a wall around his memories and emotions that even he won't be able to access them anymore, if this keeps up! And whether you like it or not, he's your last hope: if he loses touch with the good inside him, that's it, Snape! End of story, for wizards and Muggles alike!"

The Snape of the Pensieve was silent a moment. Then, "There's still the little matter of him and my Pensieve. You think I should be eager to leave myself vulnerable like that again?"

James sighed. "Do you think it was easy for Harry? Letting you see his own most embarrassing moments? He was a teenage boy, he was angry, and he felt violated! Did it never occur to you to offer him the use of a Pensieve, too?"

Memory-Snape narrowed his eyes. "I expected his desire to protect his thoughts from me to be incentive for him to learn the Occlumency! I rather thought he would do better than he did! I guess even I gave him more credit than he deserves!"

Instead of getting angry, James looked sad, broken even. "Severus, please," he begged softly, "put your animosity aside for a few moments and listen to me. And come down here to the lake with me, so I can show you some things that will help me in the explanations."

Just then the observer-Snape noticed that there had been a change in the music; the tilt of the memory-Snape's head told him that his past self could hear this music as well. A few lines came to them clearly.

I feel like a
ghost who's trying to move your
hands over some Ouija board
in the hopes I can
spell out my name

It was a sentiment that didn’t make sense at first to the wizard-born man, until he vaguely remembered reading that Muggles seemed to think they needed intermediaries to talk to ghosts. He guessed that the lines were meant to evoked the frustration James was feeling, that the siprit was desperate to tell him something and Snape seemed unable to listen.

Memory-Snape didn’t want to budge at first, but his conscience got the better of him, as well as his curiosity. He followed James to a dock and knelt beside the man, at the edge. He looked down into the water, half expecting Potter to knock him in. Observer-Snape followed a short distance behind to watch, with similar expectations.

"Now, we don’t have a lot of time. Just watch the water -- what it shows you will be going too fast for you to actually understand it right now. What you need to do is get to a Pensieve later, and re-watch it all at a slower speed. I'm going to speak as you watch, but you won't be able to understand me. Don’t try to concentrate on anything. When you come to view this in the Pensieve --" he looked away from the Snape of memory, who was still staring into the water, and looked directly at the observer-Snape "--you need to come kneel inside your memory self, in the same spot.

The observer-Snape quirked a brow. "Can you see me?" he asked.

James sighed. "Yes, I can see you. Your past self can no longer hear me -- at least, not as if I were speaking at regular speed. Would you get kneeling already? Time and space work a little differently for the dead, but I still don’t have all day -- hence the need for compressed memory! This--" he waved a hand "--is actually time slowed down!" Sure enough, the leaves and branches were swaying in a breeze that seemed made of molasses.

Wondering if he was really asleep after all -- could you fall asleep in a Pensieve? Would you drown if you did? -- Snape did as Potter bade him, kneeling exactly where his memory-self was, slipping into the figure like a ghost taking possession.

"Do you remember what happened between you and Harry on his first day in your class?" James asked. Without waiting for a response, James waved his hand over the water. The surface shimmered. Suddenly Snape found himself looking at himself -- not as a simple reflection in the water, but as an image of another memory. It was almost as if he were viewing another Pensieve within the one he was already in. His past self walked about the Potions classroom, lecturing. The observing Snape was watching the scene over the shoulder of a dark-haired student; his gaze strayed to the student's notebook, noting with satisfaction that the boy was writing down his every word. He was just thinking how refreshing it was to see a student actually interested in what he had to say, when the Snape within the memory broke off his lecture and reprimanded the very same student for not paying attention. And then the observing Snape knew: this was Harry Potter whos shoulder he was watching over -- and The Boy had been paying attention. He watched as the image-Snape berated the young boy, insisting Harry had an over-inflated ego with no evidence at all to support his assumption. Knowing what he knew about Harry’s history now, about how The Boy had been raised, observer-Snape felt considerably less justified in his past tirade.

The music spoke again.

What some take for magic at first glance
is just sleight of hand
depending on what you believe
Something gets lost when you translate,
it's hard to keep straight
Perspective is everything

And this change in perspective did indeed give the moment new meaning. Snape had "mistranslated" Harry back then. He wondered now, uncomfortably, what else would change for him by the time James Potter was through.

James continued, "Harry had been raised by Muggles, ones who hated magic. He had no reason to know any of the answers to what you asked of him -- they wouldn't let him look at his school things over that summer. But you didn’t know that, assumed he had been raised in a wizarding household by those who sang his praises day and night, and had molded into a miniature version of me. And how could you not think so, when you saw him for the first time, this almost-spitting image of the boy who'd wronged you so during your own school years? I completely deserved the hatred you felt for me, and I know it. You'd probably be happy to know that Harry spent his whole life pre-Hogwarts life hearing nothing but ill words about me, and about himself. But did you know they constantly besmirched his mother's name as well?"

Snape was mildly surprised at the surge of outrage this invoked in him.

"You saw some of the things Harry suffered at the Dursleys' hands," James continued, and the memories that Snape had originally seen during Harry's Occlumency lessons flashed on the water's surface, along with many others he hadn’t seen. "You were surprised to find something of a kindred sprit in Harry, weren't you? It didn’t give you any satisfaction to know my son had suffered humiliations similar to those I had visited upon you -- and at a much younger age. You were surprised to find that it didn’t give you any comfort to know the boy was treated as nothing more than a house-elf by those that were his kin. I thank Merlin every day that they didn’t physically abuse him -- at least, not anything like what you had suffered at your father's hands."

Snape looked sharply at James, having to pop his head out of his Pensieve-self's body a little to do so.

If the image of a Snape with two faces disturbed James, he didn’t show it. "I'm sorry, Severus. I didn’t know about what you’d gone through when was alive. I’d like to think that, if I had …" James looked away, and waved his hand over the water again. "When Harry's Hogwarts letter came, the Dursleys tried to keep it from him. It was Hagrid that finally stepped in, took him to Diagon Alley, and acquainted him with the wizarding world. Hagrid was Harry's very first friend. Harry didn’t understand why everyone he met after that was so pleased to meet him; he was just happy to be treated like a human being for once. Do you see any arrogance in that boy?" James asked, pointing to the image of his son, wandering about Diagon Alley. "I only see wonderment, and gratitude -- unlike what I see there in Draco Malfoy. …"

Snape watched and listened as Malfoy proved himself a snob extraordinaire in Madame Malkin's.

"Your godson insulted the first friend Harry had ever had. And later … well, we'll get to that. For now, you should see why Harry and the Weasleys have become so close. …"

Snape watched as Harry met the Weasleys, who helped the Boy get onto Platform Nine and Three Quarters after he'd been abandoned at the train station by the Dursleys. Snape watched as Harry bonded with Ron, sharing his newfound wealth with a veritable stranger. And Snape watched as Draco Malfoy attempted to forge a friendship with Harry as well, only to have the attempt thrown back in his face after showing Harry once again what an arrogant prat he could be.

"Now I know there's more to Draco than Harry knew at the time, just as there was more to Harry than you knew yourself. I can't fault you for the things you assumed about him any more than I can blame Harry. And Harry does have a bad habit of breaking rules, I know, but at least every now and again there's a good reason behind it, one that no one but Dumbledore -- and maybe occasionally McGonagall -- ever seems to know or believe. …"

And again, the water showed Harry's deeds, which often also showed Draco's own cruelty, and how Harry and his friends often got into trouble because of Draco's actions. Snape squirmed in shame for the times he had taken delight in punishing the Gryffindors, particularly the times when he knew the Gryffindors were innocent. Seeing those actions in the third person had the maddening effect of revealing just how petty and childish he could be.

Snape saw Harry fly after Longbottom's Rememberall, when Draco had stolen it and blatantly ignored Hooch's command against flying. "Can Harry help it if flying's in his blood?" James asked, a proud yet sad light in his eye as he watched the scene. Snape curled his lips, but the disgust quickly faded as he realised the man before them had never gotten to see his son play Quidditch -- at least, not in the flesh. And Harry, in turn, had never gotten to see that light in his father's eyes. … Snape would have given anything to see a light like that in his own sire's gaze. …

Snape watched as Harry and his friends investigated the Sorcerer's Stone, and bravely face the dangers that guarded it. "You'll note that, because you were so harsh with him in class, Harry had as hard a time believing you were innocent as you've had believing in he's not the mirror image of me," James pointed out. It reminded Snape of the words Lupin has spoken the night before, about his demeanor having kept friends from his doorstep. He winced this time, rather than sneering. Flushing with embarrassment, he was glad James couldn’t see his face while he was within his Pensieve-self. Or could he?

He concentrated again on the scene before him, watching as Harry and his friends put together clue after clue in an attempt to discover who had opened the Chamber of Secrets. Nearly the whole student body had turned their backs on The Boy, blaming him for the near-murders; he felt a flash of disdain for their gullibility. Then Snape was astonished to learn that it was Granger, not Harry, that had stolen the potions ingredients from his cabinet; he found himself grudgingly impressed with the Polyjuice potion she had made. He laughed outright as Harry and Ron faced Draco Malfoy wearing the faces of the Slytherin boy's own idiot cronies -- and then felt a bit ill as he remembered that one of those boys was now dead, while the other had become a Death Eater. He actually shivered when Harry and Weasley faced the acromantulas. And he reluctantly marveled at Harry's bravery in face of both the basilisk and Tom Riddle.

Snape watched as Harry dealt with the effects of the dementor, could even hear the death screams of Lily with him. Snape watched as the dementors nearly killed The Boy by making him faint off his broom during a Quidditch match. He watched as The Boy conquered his problem, with Lupin's help, by learning, astonishingly, to cast a Patronus. He wished The Boy showed that level of aptitude for Potions. He watched as Harry, along with Granger, faced the Whomping Willow to rescue Weasley. The Boy stayed amazingly level-headed during the confrontations between Lupin and Sirius and Pettigrew -- certainly more than Snape himself had been. Snape watched as The Boy, perhaps mistakenly, showed compassion to Pettigrew. He watched Harry succumbed to an onslaught of dementors while trying to defend his godfather. He found a new respect for the lad when he saw Harry cast a Patronus of a magnitude that most adult wizards never achieved.

Snape couldn’t help but feel a twinge of pity now, as he watched Harry being treated as a pariah, even by his friend Weasley, over the incident with the Goblet of Fire, knowing now that it wasn't The Boy's fault that he had been named a champion at all, but Crouch's. He watched Harry as The Boy saved more than his own intended rescuee during the second task, and overheard the subsequent conversation with Weasley. Much as hated to, Snape had to admit that The Boy had indeed saved the rescuees out of actual fear for their safety, rather than some misplaced desire to be seen as a hero. Snape watched in horror as he witnessed the death of Cedric Diggory, and knew that The Boy has to have been horribly scarred mentally by the experience. He saw the child -- fourteen was still a child in Snape's book -- battle Voldemort at the end of the tournament. Saw The Boy's grief as the echoes of his parents and Diggory left the Dark Lord's wand, and the child's refusal to abandon his Hufflepuff classmate's body.

"And just so you don’t think I'm trying to paint my son as the picture of some noble, perfect hero …"

Snape saw Harry grow into an angry teen, lashing out at everyone who cared about him as he slowly broke under the strain of a burden no child should have been made to bear. Saw the jealousy that burned painfully in the child's eyes, when no one else was looking, over his best friend having been chosen as prefect over himself, fearing that, no matter what he did, he was unworthy somehow. Saw a boy who'd also defended his undeserving cousin against a Dementor, rather than running and saving his own hide.

Snape saw him suffer the effects of Umbridge's enchanted quill, carving the words into his skin, writing the lines in his own blood. Was this where it had started? Had that foul woman planted the seeds of self-harm in the back of The Boy's mind? Snape felt outrage again, on The Boy's behalf, a savage desire to burn the woman alive -- and to roast Cornelius Fudge as well, for forcing her upon the school. Snape saw the child, because of Umbridge's inept teachings, take it upon himself to instruct his fellow students (during clandestine meetings that could have very well gotten them all expelled) in how to defend themselves, so that they might have a chance at surviving the coming war. Harry did it with a wealth of patience, knowledge, and ability that matched those of any teacher with years of experience.

Snape watched as Harry had nightmare after nightmare, saw the vision of Nagini attacking Mr. Weasley through Harry's eyes, and understood, finally, that Harry wasn't trying to play a martyr, didn’t feel special for having received the visions. Harry had been genuinely terrified that he had been the one to nearly kill Arthur Weasley. Snape finally understood that it wasn't pride that drove the boy, no sense that he was special at all, but rather an over-developed (though not really misplaced) sense of responsibility. Harry hadn't kept having the visions because he secretly wanted them, as Snape had accused him; he really hadn’t been able to fight them off, it was as simple as that.

"This one should make you happy …" James remarked.

Snape watched as Harry risked discovery by Umbridge, desperate to know the truth about what he had witnessed in Snape's Pensieve. Snape could not help but feel gratified when Harry told Sirius and Remus that he was mortified by his father's past behavior. Snape would never admit, though, that what he felt was gratitude towards Harry for being on his side, for reprimanding the remaining Marauders, and not actually satisfaction that Harry now found himself incapable of seeing his father and godfather in quite the same adoring light he once had. Snape looked at James now, and found the anguish, the shame, in his face. Having lost his son's favor was the worst fate that could have ever befallen the man -- well, next to being brutally murdered, along with his wife.

Knowing that seemed to break something inside Snape. He could feel his hatred for James Potter draining away, like a lanced wound. Why had he wasted so much time and energy hating a dead man? The act of forgiveness was something that good people were supposed to do, wasn't it? Maybe he would never really be a good person, but wasn't he trying to be? Wasn't it part of his debt to the world, for all the horrible things he'd done as a Death-Eater? Besides, he didn’t have to like James in order to forgive him. He also didn’t have to like Harry in order to be able to protect him, but perhaps, deep down, he was starting to. A little.

Besides, wasn't he supposed to be setting a good example for Draco? Teach him compassion, turn him from hate, keep him away from the things that could lure him into the Dark Arts? He'd turned a blind eye, indulged the boy's animosity -- and his own -- towards the Gryffindors for far too long. Maybe it was too late for him, but he'd be damned if it would be too late for Draco!

And the music spoke again.

And I know now
which is which
and what angle
I oughta look at it from

Snape nodded in agreement with the song's sentiment.

James wasn't done with his presentation, though. Snape watched as Harry collapsed during his History of Magic exam, understanding, finally, how the Occlumency lessons, coupled with stress and studying, had left The Boy exceptionally tired -- and therefore more vulnerable than ever to Voldemort's attack. Snape admitted to himself that he would have been no better off than Harry had been, under those circumstances. He watched as Harry and his friends risked expulsion to once again use Umbridge's Floo. Watched as Kreacher lied to Harry, convinced him that Sirius was in grave danger, and that any second wasted would bring the man that much closer to his last breath. Heard Harry's thoughts as he tried, commendably, to use Legilimency to get a message to Snape. Watched as Harry tried to keep his friends, who were just as brave and stubborn as he was, from following him into the unknown as he went after his godfather. Watched as the children all risked life and limb against the Death Eaters. Watched Harry in turn watch his godfather fall through the veil, to his death. Witnessed The Boy's grief as another person was lost to him -- another person died, he believed, because of him. Watched as Voldemort possessed Harry, felt The Boy's pain, heard his mental wish, his plea for death.

Snape watched as Harry lashed out at Dumbledore in the man's own office, feeling, perhaps justifiably, betrayed. Snape listened, a bit indignant even as he agreed with The Boy, as Harry lay some of the blame at the Potion Master's feet. Snape listened with great shame as Dumbledore spoke of his inability to put his anger at Sirius or James aside. He listened thoughtfully as Dumbledore spoke on Petunia's behalf, explaining that, no matter how ill she had treated The Boy, she had taken him in, and thusly risked her own family to protect him.

And he listened with horror as Trelawney made her prophecy, the very prophecy the Order had worked so hard to protect. They had all known that it had had something to do with Harry and Voldemort's fall, but hadn't known what it actually said. And now … while Snape was capable of killing, when necessary, Harry was solidly on the side of the angels: how could The Boy be expected to do this, to kill a man, even if it was the Dark Lord? Why couldn't someone else do it? That poor child had just been told how he would die -- and take the rest of the world with him -- if he couldn’t bring himself to end someone else's life!

Snape watched as Harry tried to hold himself together in the days that followed, felt his pain, his sense of loss that spoke not just of grief but of a lack of direction. Snape felt Harry's guilt renewed as he found the Glass Sirius had given him, as The Boy realised how everything could have been avoided if he had only remembered it sooner. It was on honest mistake, to be certain, but Snape knew better than almost anyone that such assurances did not dull the edge of Guilt's sword.

He watched as Harry encountered Draco, heard the part of the encounter that he had missed the first time, when he had assumed Harry was harassing his godson and went to take points away. He'd grudgingly conceded to McGonagall's decision to award The Boy and his friends for their part in the ministry battle -- even Severus Snape had to give credit where it was due. And he hadn't wanted to argue with McGonagall when she'd just come back from St. Mungo's; he actually counted her among his few friends, even if their houses had a strong rivalry. (In fact, he was starting to think he’d underestimated just how strong that rivalry was.) Snape felt a chill go down his back as he listened to Draco threaten Potter, especially knowing that, as much as Draco was defending his father at that moment, it would only be a few weeks before the younger Malfoy would take the life of the very man that he had so vehemently defended to Potter. With how much hatred Draco had shown towards Harry then, how much more might he hate himself, now?

Snape also noted the hatred in Harry's eyes as he glared at the Potions Master. He remembered the way Harry had blown up the boggart-Snape, and, recalling the power Harry had had when he'd cast his Patronus in his third year, broke out in a cold sweat. Harry might be aboy, but to underestimate him could prove fatal! How would Harry react if he, Snape, even tried to offer to teach him Occlumency again, as James seemed to want? But then Snape remembered how, just that morning, Harry had been entirely amiable as they'd carried Draco back to Grimmauld Place. What was going on? …

The music spoke again.

… I'd hope you'd
know what I tried to tell you,
and if you don't,
I could draw you a picture
in invisible ink

James turned his way and gave him a slight nod, as if to say "Yes, I know what you're asking -- all will be revealed, if you'd just pay attention!" Then he waved his hand over the water again.

Harry was back with the Dursleys. Voldemort was sending him horrific visions, some of actual events, some just threats. Snape followed Harry's thought process over the weeks as The Boy came to the conclusion -- and Dumbledore concurred -- that Voldemort was not entering his mind so much as making a lot of noise just outside it, and maybe listening at his mental windows. Snape saw Harry discovered that pain chased the Dark Lord away. He watched, helpless, as The Boy decided that surrounding himself with pain might get him used to it, like some sort of attempt at acclimating himself to psychic venom. It seemed that Harry’s self-harm was not a “cry for attention” after all, but rather an act of self-defense -- however backward the idea might seem. Snape felt Harry's worry, his deep-seated fear, that he might slip and give the Dark Lord the identities of people he loved. Snape felt The Boy withdraw further and further, as Harry came to believe that if he denied his feelings, he could not only protect this friends, but would also become what he thought he needed to be -- a remorseless killer -- in order to fulfill his destiny.

And the music spoke again, this time sounding faintly like Harry.

Feel just like I’m sinking
and I claw for solid ground
I’m pulled down by the undertow
Never thought I could feel so low
Oh Darkness, I feel like letting go …

Suddenly it was all too chillingly clear why Harry had been so nonchalant that morning. Lucius had always insisted that love was a weakness, a weapon your enemies could use against you. Harry was taking that sentiment one step further, becoming devoid of any emotion, love or hate.

Cause guys like me,
we all vow to become
clear and free
of the fife and the drum
and walk the circulation
till we're all completely numb …
Let's hear it for guys like me …

But then … what about the incident with the boggart-Snape? Harry had certainly shown emotion then: boiling hatred!

Observer-Snape didn’t have time to wonder; James still wasn't done. Now Harry was spending time with his aunt, seeming as confused by her change in demeanor as Snape was. "Petunia was visited by Lily, just as I'm visiting you now," James told him. Snape wondered darkly why he couldn’t have had Lily as his spirit-guide too, instead of James Potter. "Lily had unfinished business with her sister. I had unfinished business with you," James further explained, continuing to answer his unasked questions.

Turning his attention back to the water, Snape were pleased to see a happy Harry spending quality time with his aunt as they shared photos and then chased each other around the kitchen with foodstuffs. It warmed Snape to see The Boy laugh like that, after having watched him suffer through so much misery -- which made it all the harder to watch Harry burn himself a little later, when he felt Voldemort's presence and feared for his aunt's safety.

Snape saw Harry spend the following day with his friends, walking about in a perpetual cloud of disinterest. He overheard the ghosts of the Tower whisper about The Boy. He felt how Harry was drawn to the necklace at the shop, and felt a pang in his heart when he learned the story behind the piece. He even remembered seeing the ring Belle had spoken of. He decided that he would look into the fate of that ring, if it would help The Boy hold on to his past and, thought that, himself.

Snape saw the vision Harry had had at The Leaky Cauldron, of the death of his uncle. He saw The Boy use wandless magic to keep his companions away from him. (It was one thing to have heard the tale second-hand from Fae, and quite another to see it firsthand. The Boy was indeed powerful, as his Patronus had already proven!) Snape saw the second vision Harry had had there, of the multiple deaths Voldemort had caused, prompting The Boy’s fall down the stairs, when Snape himself had caught him.

Snape saw Harry's dream, where The Boy was following a light that reminded Snape vaguely of Fawkes -- until Harry sensed another presence, one Snape was sure was Voldemort. He witnessed Harry stifle his own light, shrouding it in darkness. Had Harry been astral-traveling or something? What was that other light: someone who could help, or another danger? He watched Harry wake up to find Ginny Weasley sleeping beside him. He saw the way The Boy looked at the girl, felt the rush of adolescent hormones -- and something more abstract and profound. He felt the reaction the necklace had to her, how it grew warm to the touch. Yes, he definitely needed to get Lily's ring for The Boy. Maybe slip The Boy and Ginny Weasley a bit of love potion, as well, just to help things along? Not because Snape cared about either of them, of course, but because it was imperative that Harry have something to remind him of his feelings, keep him from losing himself. No, Snape really could care less about the puppy love of a couple of kids, but the fate of the wizarding world? Severus Snape would do whatever it took to get the job done, just like he always had. Snape considered enlisting Fae's help. …

He saw -- and felt -- Harry fight with his emotions again, and wished he could reach into the scene and knock some sense into him. Then they saw The Boy's inner struggle in dealing with Draco, and was pleased to see him give Draco a chance, regardless of the personal feelings Harry was repressing. He saw Harry chase after Draco when the other boy called for the Knight Bus, and actually found himself wanting to hug the boy for saving Draco's life! He was pleased -- relieved, even -- to note Harry's genuine concern when The Boy asked Draco if the Slytherin was trying to get himself killed. And there the vision finally ended, with Harry helping Snape carry Draco back to number twelve.

"You dreamt all this--" James waved his hand to take in their surroundings, "--while you slept, after having brought Draco back to number twelve. You've just been privy now to Harry's entire being; when you come out of the Pensieve, you won't remember more details than you need to, the rest of this being just a general impression. Even so, Harry still should not know anythinmg about what you've learned here -- he would just feel further violated. And try not to tell anyone else more than they need to know, either. It's one of the reasons we chose to give this information to you: you've already seen to some of Harry's secrets anyway, thanks to the Occlumency, and will doubtless see more when you get to teaching him again. But also, I hope … I hope you can see Harry now for the person he is -- rather than the person I was. I can't make up for the things I've done, but … I am sorry."

And suddenly the Pensieve-Snape clutched James' arm, crying out in pain, then disappeared. The observer-Snape guessed that was when he had been awoken by his Dark Mark. But the scene -- and James -- remained!

"And now you're wondering about what happened at The Burrow, with the boggart," James said. "Look into the water."

Though he was confused at how precisely this memory could continue without him actually having been there to remember it, or how James could interact with his current self if this was a memory, Snape decided it wasn't worth worrying over for the moment, and did as he was bade. He saw Hermione doting on Viktor, and Ron's subsequent jealousy-driven departure. Snape snorted; he wished those two would just get on with it already. He watched as Harry followed Ron into the kitchen, stopped to talk with Bill and Fleur, and went on to The Burrow. Snape shivered as he heard the Weasley boy’s guitar playing; there was magic in that! Not in a silly, poetic sense, but honest-to-Merlin Bardic magic! Did Dumbledore know? Don’t be stupid -- of course he does; doubtless that's at least part of why Fae was brought in. … Snape didn’t allow himself to wonder any further, but concentrated on the scene before him, where Harry attempted to get his best friend to stop being a prat. He could feel Harry's brotherly affection for Ron, and even smiled, despite himself, when The Boy gave the redhead a hug. The smile quickly faded when he felt the pain of Harry's curse scar. Really, at this point he couldn’t blame The Boy for being afraid to feel anything!

Snape watched as Harry and Ron went shopping in Muggle London. He could feel Harry struggling with new feelings for Ginny, the very feelings the Soul of the Phoenix was apparently trying to force The Boy to face. He watched the boys as they returned to The Burrow, and discovered its fate. He knew Harry blamed himself for the devastation. The worst thing was, The Boy was probably right: Voldemort probably had come to The Burrow looking for him. Harry's reasoning was like a stalking victim blaming himself for the actions of his stalker; Snape found it more than a little disturbing.

What happened next was even worse, though; Snape saw the boggart as the boys had seen it: as the mutilated form of Granger. He was almost sick himself. Having seen that sort of thing and worse, done for real by Death Eaters, with his own eyes, he found himself fervently hoping no such thing actually would come to pass this time. He might find Granger grating, but he wouldn’t wish such a thing on anyone, no matter what the "Holy Trio" might think of him! In some corner of his heart that Snape was constantly trying to deny the existence of, he even felt a pang of pity for the Weasley boy.

And then he noticed Harry.

It took a moment, because while you couldn't miss the screams of Ron Weasley, it was very easy to overlook the near-stillness of Harry Potter, the cold, empty void where a grieving boy should have been standing. Snape understood what Harry was doing, trying to keep under Voldemort's radar, and even thought it wise to some extent -- but that didn’t make it any less frightening to witness. The dead often had more life in them than Harry seemed to have now.

Snape watched as Fred came onto the scene. He watched as Harry turned the boggart into a dementor. He was completely confused by that maneuver at first, then, remembering Harry's lessons with Lupin that James had shown him a little while before, figured out what it was The Boy was attempting. It took Snape another moment to understand why it hadn't actually worked. Snape watched as George arrived (followed moments later by Snape himself), and had some strange, wordless exchange with Fred. Either they could speak mind-to-mind, or they had picked a really strange time for a staring contest, then just happened, by chance, to perform the same spell. As insulting as their choice for the shape of the boggart had been, Snape had to, from this perspective, grudgingly give them credit for their ingenuity.

And then a sudden rush of anger from Harry drew Snape's attention back to The Boy. He watched in awe as the boy channeled that anger into a focal point, then cast the anger from himself, in a meditative exercise, not even remotely aware that he was actually practicing wandless magic. The Boy was as surprised at the result as Snape was. As shaken as he was by the evidence that Harry wanted him dead -- and could apparently achieve that agenda with ease, even by accident -- Snape saw a silver lining. A dark sort of silver, worthy of a Slytherin. Harry had gotten angry. He wasn't completely "gone" yet. And if having The Boy angry at him was insurance that they wouldn’t lose him, well, then Snape was just going to have to do what he did best, and continue to piss the boy off, now wasn't he?

Kind of ironic really: all this effort on the part of James Potter, only to get Snape to do pretty much exactly what he had already been doing.

Apparently reading Snape's mind, James smirked. "Well, at least your motive is a healthier one. And with luck, you won’t have to be cruel to him much longer, if you can just get him to abandon his plan, and allow himself to feel again." Behind the words was the pointed reminder that Snape shouldn’t want to continue hating the younger Potter, not after all he'd seen.

Snape sighed. "I know. I'm not quite the monster you always seemed to think I was," he added with a smirk that was more of a frown.

"I know," James replied, gently, sadly, as he rose to his feet. "The question is, do you? I'm … I know what you've done for the Order, then and now. I'm glad to have you looking after my boy, Severus. I meant it when I said I wish things had been different between us." And James held his hand out to Snape.

Severus stared at it a moment, as if it were a snake that would bite. Then it occurred to him that the snake analogy better fit himself, being a Slytherin, than the Gryffindor before him. The thought made him smile. He accepted the hand, which brought him to his feet. And in that action, he could feel James' sincerity through his palm, felt the man's innate goodness, like a spark. It left his hand tingling; the tingle spread up his arm and through his body, making him shiver, though the wave of energy was warm. He smiled again, in spite of himself. No, that could't be sadness he was feeling, knowing this was probably the last he would see of James Potter; it couldn’t be tears that gripped his throat so tightly and prevented him from saying goodbye. Slytherins didn't waste their energy on silly sentiments over men they didn’t even like.

So it’s better this way, I said
Having seen this place before
Where everything we said and did
Hurts us all the more
It's just that we stayed, too long
in the same old sickly skin ...

And suddenly Snape realised that the lake water was quickly lapping over the dock, and rising. He tried to move, but couldn't. He reached out for James, but the man was walking backwards, fading till he was gone. In moments, the water reached Snape's ears, but he could still hear the music.

I’m pulled down by the undertow
Never thought I could feel so low
Oh Darkness, I feel like letting go …

And the water covered him. He panicked, not able to breathe--

And he lifted his face from the Pensieve with a gasp. As he gulped the cool air in shivering draughts, he noticed two things: one, that his wireless was still playing the music he'd heard in the Pensieve, and two, that Graymalkin had done a startled little hop on the table, to his left. Doubtless the critter had been licking his ear or something. He gave the rabbit a reassuring scratch behind its own ears while it tried to lick his hand. He glanced towards the bowl before him, thoughtful.

An image of James appeared for a moment on the surface, winked, then faded.


Author notes: Ok, now for the song credits. The stanza that begins:

"I search myself and everyone..." is from the song "Adia", by Sarah McLachlan.

"I feel like a ghost ..." is from "Invisible Ink", by Aimee Mann. So are the stanzas that start with "What some take for magic at first glance ...", as well as "And I know now which is which ...", and "I'd hope you'd know what I tried to tell you ..."

"Feel just like I’m sinking ..." is from "Full of Grace", by Sarah McLachlan. (That song is used at the end of "Becoming", the season finale of the second season of Buffy, and it makes me bawl every time.) The stanzas that start with "So it’s better this way, I said" and "I’m pulled down by the undertow" are also both from that song.

"Cause guys like me..." is from the song "Guys Like Me, by Aimee Mann.

Okay, I hope you liked the two drawings for this chapter! I mean, I had the second drawing as a sketch already, so I figured I might as well colour it and put it in, heh. For a detailed explanation of why I gave Snape a pet bunny, see the description of the pic at deviantART.

I'm about four *long* chapters ahead in the writing, so you've got at *least* six chapters to go, probably more. ...

Next chapter: a Quidditch match, Bella on the rampage, some insight from Bill and Charlie, Percy has a surprise, and Draco has a heart-to-heart with Arthur. Don't worry, I don't think there's any songfic moments in that one ;) ...