Without Wand or Wire

Uncle Vernon and Dudley had left early that morning. Not that it mattered much; Harry slept in that morning until till well after lunch -- as he would end up doing for the next five days as well. Until his uncle and cousin's departure, he hadn't slept more than a few hours a night since he'd left Hogwarts. But now that the male Dursleys weren't around to make a tonne of racket in the mornings, and it seemed Aunt Petunia was as quiet as a mouse when left to her own devices, Harry discovered it was much easier to sleep during the daylight hours. He reckoned this was because Lord Voldemort himself slept then, and therefore couldn't plague Harry with visions.

They had come as a surprise to everyone, these continuing visions, even to Dumbledore. Voldemort had to know that, after learning his last vision of the schoolyear was a trap, Harry wasn't very likely to give credence to any other vision he was sent, so they'd all assumed the visions would stop. After all, except for that last one, Voldemort hadn't even known he was sending any thoughts to Harry at all. Now that he knew, Voldemort was likely to use Occlumency, which Snape had tried to teach Harry, to protect himself from Harry spying on him (even if it was entirely by accident) via their special connection. But rather than stopping the visions or the sendings of emotion, Voldemort seemed to be increasing them.

This time, when the visions started up again, Harry had sent Hedwig to Dumbledore right away. He'd decided that discretion was not necessarily the better part of valor. It seemed wiser to tell his mentors his problems sooner, rather than waiting so long that the situation spiraled out of control. Sure, he'd spent a bit of time at the start of the holiday being angry, thinking a lot of "why me" sort of thoughts. But since all he had to do really was think, it was only a few days before he had to admit to himself that the only thing to do was grin and bear it. Whether the prophecy was real or not -- since Dumbledore seemed to think so, it was hard for Harry to dismiss -- Voldemort believed it was, and would stop at nothing to kill Harry. Harry's indignation had given way to grim acceptance. Voldemort was going to try to kill him, it was that simple. It seemed a better idea to prepare himself for battle rather than just sitting around whining about it, or getting angry at the people who cared about him for treating him with kid gloves.

At the same time he appreciated that Dumbledore had come to the opposite conclusion. If the old wizard had been more open to Harry, the man himself had admitted in his office that fateful night after the ministry debacle, maybe Harry wouldn't have run off half-cocked into a trap, dragging his schoolmates with him, and ended up needing saving. Harry had been angry with him at first, but seeing the sincerity in Albus' eyes, Harry realised he wasn't the only one blaming himself for poor decisions. It was hard to stay angry then. No one could really know the long-reaching effects of one's decisions. All anyone could do was try to do what they felt was the right thing at the time and hope for the best. It shook Harry a little to learn that Dumbledore was not infallible, but over time it helped Harry to forgive himself for his own transgressions. Well, a little, anyway.

And it wasn't just he and Dumbledore who'd been at fault. Everyone in the Order, whose number included most of the teachers at Hogwarts as well, had spent so much time and effort protecting Harry from the outside that they'd neglected to see how he was doing on the inside. And with Harry, perhaps more than with any other individual any of them knew, his well-being directly affected the well-being of every other person in the wizarding world.

Harry was something like a plastic bottle of nitro glycerin that everyone had mistaken for a glass decanter of water. They'd padded his existence, trying to keep the sharp dangers away from his seemingly frail exterior to protect both that precious shell and what they thought was something pure and life-giving within: their savior whose goodness had once defeated Voldemort, and could do so again. They'd never thought that he might be actually be far tougher on the outside than they'd given him credit for -- or that he might have dangerous things inside him that could still cause him to break. Or maybe they'd assumed he would crack well before the pressure within him could become lethally dangerous, that he was "just a boy," and would naturally come running to them for help at any little bit of pain. They'd had no idea how much he could bear, or how far-reaching his explosion could be when he finally did lose it. They never considered that he could be just as dangerous as Voldemort, albeit in different ways and for different reasons.

Such was the leaning his thoughts had taken after the events in the ministry, that while everyone assumed he was some sort of hero, everyone he cared for would be obliterated by being in his presence: either Voldemort would kill them to get to him, or Harry himself would harm them. Wasn't that what he'd been doing since the tournament? Hurting everyone he loved, lashing out, punishing them? He could say that he was only trying to scare them off to get them out of danger, but even if it was a little true, it definitely wasn't the whole truth. Whether he liked it or not, there was a part of Voldemort inside him. A darkness that constantly struggled to be let out.

What if the reason he might defeat Voldemort was because he, Harry, might become something even worse?

That too had been part of why he was careful now to tell the Order everything about his visions, no matter how insignificant. Maybe with enough warning, they might be able to protect others from himself. It was also why he actually requested not to be informed of their plans or findings. His pride be damned; there was far more at stake than it. He realised that, if Voldemort could get into his mind, he might use Harry to spy on the order. Even simply knowing what the Order had learned about Voldemort could take away any advantage they had. His telling them about the visions was only a matter of keeping them informed about his health and state of mind; they couldn't trust any information they might glean from them.

In coming to terms with the knowledge that sooner or later, he would have to face Voldemort, Harry began to devote all his focus to preparing himself for the big event. Since the only weaknesses he knew of in Voldemort were the man's fear of Dumbledore and his inability to understand love, Harry decided his best offense was a good defense. It was apparent from the prophecy that so long as Harry was alive, Voldemort could not come into full power: and either must die at the hands of the other, for neither can live while the other survives.; therefore, the best foil to Voldemort's ambitions was for Harry simply to stay alive. Of course, this also meant that Harry would have no life of his own unless Voldemort was defeated.

To that end, Harry spent a lot of time considering his own weaknesses, as well as the manner in which Voldemort was exploiting them. Harry had what Hermione had dubbed a "saving people thing". At first Harry had been in denial -- if someone was in trouble, what were you supposed to do, just sit there? But when Voldemort had sent Harry a vision of Sirius in trouble, Harry had done just what Voldemort had expected, and rushed out to save Sirius, who was, in fact, safely at home until he in turn had rushed out to save Harry. …

And now Voldemort was trying a new angle in that regard. He was frequently sending Harry visions of people in trouble. Many of them were probably false -- there were no reports in the news or in the Daily Prophet of most of them. Doubtless Voldemort simply wanted to shake Harry up, instill in him a feeling of powerlessness to be the hero he felt it his duty to be. But Voldemort also sent him images of murders Harry knew the man really had committed, a few of them recent, but many from long ago -- including the deaths of his parents.

The result of this wasn't exactly what Voldemort had planned, though, Harry believed. The self-named Dark Lord apparently knew nothing about the effect of the media on Harry's generation. In his daily scouring of the papers, though, Harry had discovered a little article tucked away in the Telegraph, one about the concern of "desensitizing". The article had explained that repeated exposure to violence as entertainment seemed to make it difficult for modern youth to relate to tragic events. According to polls, seeing reports of murder or accidents in the news seemed much like just watching a movie -- it didn't seem real. Upon reading that, Harry realised something to that effect about himself; Voldemort had been sending him so many horrific images, that Harry was beginning to get … used to them, especially since he knew so many of them were fabricated. He even started watching all the blood-and guts horror movies he could find, to further the efforts.

Voldemort had been trying to shatter Harry's young mind, and instead was hardening it, unwittingly forging the weapon of his own demise.

And it was in realising that, that Harry started to come to other conclusions. Fear of Voldemort was all about fear of a horrible death, not just of the self but of loved ones as well. But Luna Lovegood had given Harry a key to get past that fear, when they'd had their conversation about the Veil, and what was beyond it -- life after death. If Harry died, then he would see Sirius and his parents again. And while the thought still mortified him, still gave him cold sweats at night, if one of his loved ones died, he would see them again someday too. No pain was ever eternal. So in some respects, it didn't really matter who won. This knowledge helped ease Harry's anxiety over possible failure. And easing his anxiety could only lead to boosting his courage, which would increase his chance of success anyway, he knew.

So it seemed to him his best defense was to eliminate his fear of death. After all, hadn't Lupin told him, after learning that a boggart would become a dementor in Harry's presence, that his biggest fear was actually fear itself? The reason Harry was so good at producing his Patronus was because he was able to recognise his fear for what it was and put it aside to do whatever was necessary. And besides, a fear of death wasn't so hard to overcome for him -- he'd been so close to being killed so many times already! Yet each time, he'd managed to go on -- probably because he wasn't destined to die before his battle with Voldemort, true, but as he hadn't actually known that before, that meant it was still something inside him that got him taking such risks in the first place, despite the potential consequences. He just needed to reinforce whatever it was inside himself that allowed him to do that. Needed to hold on to the idea that he would risk his own life for the greater good.

And really, life wasn't all that livable for him anymore anyway, was it? If Voldemort wasn't defeated, there wouldn't be a real life for anyone. You couldn't be afraid of losing what you didn't even want.

Harry also spent a lot of time meditating. Lying in bed, just listening to himself breath, trying to hear his heartbeat in his ears. Occupying himself with meaningless tasks; what once had been slave labor was now therapy for him. He did not write to his mates, did not allow himself to think of them. He did everything he could to empty his mind of thought or emotion. He became a void.

In other words, he was practicing Occlumency every bleeding hour of the day.

Not that it really helped.

Harry had become convinced he was an utter failure at it, but Dumbledore had begun to suspect otherwise. He theorized that what Voldemort was doing wasn't technically Legilimency -- although he still feared the Dark Lord could and did use that when it suited him. The thing was, Legilimency was all about seeing into another person's thoughts. Voldemort wasn't trying to read anything as far as they could tell; he was just sending. Breaking into a house to find something in it required stealth and delicacy, but just trying to break it down only required a battering ram or a wrecking ball -- both of which were considerably harder to defend against. The mind was very like a house, in that respect. So if what Voldemort was doing wasn't actually Legilimency, then Occlumency, which was a defensive spell and not a projective one, wouldn't be very effective against it.

But that didn't mean Occlumency wasn't still worth learning. They still feared Voldemort might eventually try to posses Harry, or learn secrets from him. If Harry could master Occlumency, then he could spend time with his loved ones again without worrying so much. And Occlumency could help strengthen Harry's mind against the attacks, making it harder to break, even if it couldn't stop Voldemort from performing the attacks in the first place.

Dumbledore promised that he would resume Snape's lessons of Occlumency as soon as the boy returned to Hogwarts -- sooner, if he could manage it, at the Order's headquarters. In the meantime, while the house on Privet Drive might be safe for Harry, it certainly wasn't safe for anyone else: they didn't bear the gift of his mother's blood. And Dumbledore had suggested that it might be best for Harry to remain there as long as possible, so give his mother's parting gift of protection all the help it could get.

That suited Harry fine; for once, he had a multitude of reasons to stay at Privet Drive. For example, in just those first few hours Dudley and Vernon were gone, Harry marked how considerably quieter the house was, which made it far easier to meditate than it could possibly be at Grimmauld Place, with the members of the Order flitting in and out. Which surprised him, seeing as he'd always thought that silence only made it easier to hear your own thoughts -- and he had plenty of those. At any rate, it was going to be harder to avoid hearing things Voldemort shouldn't, at Grimmauld Place. And it was going to be impossible to think about people he didn't want to think about.

Which was actually just about everyone he knew.

The most obvious of these was Sirius; number twelve Grimmauld Place was his late godfather's house, after all, and grieving again for Sirius would interfere with the efforts at Occlumency. Harry really wished the Weasleys would take him back to the Burrow instead, but he understood that, with most of them involved in the Order, it was both safer and more convenient for them to stay at Grimmauld Place. And, he allowed himself to think fleetingly now and again, nicer for Ron and Hermione to be closer to each other. He wondered if they had finally both wizened up about their feelings for one another. …

But he didn't allow himself to think of them too much if he could help it. He hadn't read a single one of their letters, either (or anyone else's.) The reason was twofold: firstly, it anguished him no end to think of how he'd put them in danger so many times. They were alive, and yet … thinking about Hermione taking a curse to the chest that would have been fatal if the caster could have spoken, or remembering Ron after he'd hit with a curse that had left him giggling maniacally for a while, and bleeding on the inside … and those scars on his arms now … Harry couldn't imagine feeling any more horrible if they really had died. He seemed to be grieving them right alongside Sirius. And the same went for Ginny, and Neville, and even Luna. And the guilt just hurt so much he practically wished he would die himself, just to keep them from being hurt, either by Voldemort's wrath or by his own folly, ever again. Thoughts like that did not help in trying to master Occlumency, and not mastering Occlumency only put them in more danger still. ...

Which led to his other, more valid reason for not wanting to think about them: if Voldemort knew how much he cared about a person, that made that person a target, as it had done with Sirius. Granted, Voldemort probably already knew who was important in Harry's life, thanks to his own thoughts and Lucius Malfoy, but the dark wizard might not know enough to know who some of them actually were. And even if he did, maybe Harry could convince him that his feelings had changed, that he had stopped caring. Harry had even considered thinking dreadful thoughts of them, calling to mind the times they'd fought, but decided better of it. Doubtless Voldemort could sense Harry's true feelings underlying the anger, if he allowed himself to get emotional at all.

And of course that line of thinking brought Harry back to what he needed to do to build up his defenses against Voldemort. Try as he might to keep them out of danger, he had to face that fact that Voldemort could use any one of his friends as a shield, or bait. It was one thing to be willing to throw away his own life, but could he really watch any more of those dear to him die? Even for the greater good?

Which brought him back to the whole desensitizing thing, and Voldemort's unwitting assistance in that regard. If Harry could learn to handle visions of his parents and Sirius being murdered over and over, then he might also come to terms with the possible deaths of others. Maybe enough so that, if they were put in danger, he could put aside his personal feelings long enough to … to let them die, if it meant ridding the world of Tom Riddle, once and for all. Voldemort was helping him prepare to make the hardest decision of his life, if necessary.

Which included killing Voldemort. That was what it all came down to, wasn't it? He, Harry, was going to have to take another man's life. It might be done in defense, in battle, but it would still come down to an execution, cold-blooded murder. There could be no pity, nothing could stay Harry's hand from striking that mortal blow, if the greater good was to win. And in order to do that, Harry realised he would have to learn to stop caring about the one thing he wanted most to protect: Life. The irony didn't escape him, but there it was.

In order to complete his destiny, he had to stop being afraid of that darkness within him, and embrace it. He needed to become a sort of Voldemort, but with one that hated that one man, rather than Muggles or Muggle-born mages. No, he had to become worse than Voldemort: he had to become an unfeeling machine. Voldemort at least had emotions.

All of these factors and more led to another routine in Harry's summer-long preparations. It had started quite by accident, really, about two weeks into the summer holiday. He was fixing lunch on the hob, or rather, removing a pot from it, when he'd felt a flash of pain in his scar. It was something of a miracle that the hand holding the pot managed to put it down on the trivet without dropping it, but as he swooned, his other hand came down on the hot hob. It wasn't a terrible burn, but the initial pain seemed to chase away the flash from Voldemort. The next day, when the Dark Lord tried it again, he fell to his knees -- only he hit one of them on the wood of the coffee table first. Again, the physical agony seemed to chase away the pain of his scar. Later that same day, when his scar began to burn yet again, he'd stumbled into Dudley, who'd proceeded to hit him upside the head with his heavy, meaty arm, right at the temple. Harry saw stars for a moment -- and noticed that the pain in his head was no longer the variety he associated with his scar.

So he tried an experiment. He lit a candle in his room and set it next to him, on his desk while he studied. When that familiar ache in his forehead began -- which by now really wasn't so terrible, he was so used to it -- he held his hand for several long moments in the candle flame. And that's when it occurred to him.

Voldemort could feel his physical pain whenever he opened the connection between them to send Harry a vision.

So whenever he felt his scar burn, he would make the effort to hurt himself somehow, be it by burning himself, or hitting his head or hand against something, or even cutting himself. Sometimes it would take a minute or two before he could do anything, depending on how forceful Voldemort was being with his sendings, but once he manage to hurt himself enough, they always stopped. And at the start, that was truly the only reason Harry was hurting himself.

Then Harry started to get other ideas. He was already trying to make himself more immune to emotional pain; why not work on physical as well? Voldemort was "upping the dosage" of pain as it was, in the visions he sent -- they began to loose effect on Harry after a while, if he didn't. And Harry noticed that the things he would do to stop the visions didn't really hurt so much after a while, either. So he decided to test his threshold of physical pain, and see if he couldn't take it higher.

He discovered a spell that would allow the tip of his wand to get hot without actually burning the wood. So, without the prompting of a vision, he started to hold that tip to his arm, aiming to keep it there a little longer each time. When those tiny little spots didn't seem to matter anymore, he took to using Aunt Petunia's curling iron, and moved from his arms to his torso and back. As time went by, he became riddled with scars and fresh burn marks. Then he moved on to cutting -- with blunt blades. After all, razors didn't really hurt all that much in the long run. He kept the cuts shallow -- it wouldn't do to have to get stitches. Numerous scratches joined the burns, but not for long -- they didn't hurt enough.

[Harry feels the burn.]

Once, when he went out, he went to a place where he could get piercings. Nothing drastic, as he was underage, but he found he could derive a fair amount of pain from tugging on the piercings he got in his ears. He didn't keep them in -- his aunt and Uncle would likely have a fit, but kept the wounds -- kept all his wounds, really -- well cleaned, and would force the studs back into his ears each night. And it gave him another idea. He started giving himself puncture wounds, first with needles and eventually steel nails -- sterilized, of course.

But in his efforts to prepare himself, in the back of his mind he was staring to wonder if maybe he wasn't giving up the very thing that Dumbledore had told him was supposed to give him the advantage over Voldemort.

Love.

Because he no longer allowed himself to remember the love he felt for his friends. More, because he no longer loved himself; no one who did would do the things that he had done to his own body. And didn't they always say that to love or be loved, you had to start with yourself?

But Dudley and Vernon's absence was about to give him a chance to save himself from the void that threatened to consume him.