Magical Idol

Chapter Two: Diagon Alley

Finally after going through all seven years, the judges proceeded to Diagon Alley.

Oliver: We are here in Diagon Alley and wouldn't you believe it, it's fifty percent more crowded than as usual. As this is one of the last stop, people from all over the world have flown all the way to try out.

Mary-Sue: However, many of them will be disappointed.

Oliver: For sure...

The judges are happily settled in Flourish and Blotts, hoping to find some good singers.

*Doris Crockford enters*

*Doris Crockford leaves*

Hermione: Please, sit down...

Gilderoy: What's your name?

Hermione: What are you singing?

Gilderoy: That's wonderful!

Hermione: Congratulations, you are going to the Haunted Woods...

Voldemort: Who are you talking to??!! She's gone!

Gilderoy: Bit slow, aren't you?

Voldemort: Slow? You mean, like, slowly?

OUTSIDE:

Mary-Sue: Our next contestant is the-

Minister Of Magic: You can call me Fudge.

Mary-Sue: Ok, Fudge. You're the Minister Of Magic aren't you?

Minister Of Magic: Well... yes...

Mary-Sue: *licks lips* I love fudge. It tastes delicious...

Minister Of Magic: *stammers* Yes... well...

Mary-Sue: ...the way it melts on my tongue...

Minster Of Magic: Where in Texas did you say you live?

Mary-Sue: Can I call you Fudgy?

INSIDE:

Gilderoy: NEXT!

*Fudgy enters*

Hermione: It's the Min-Min-

Gilderoy: Yes, we know.

Hermione: I want to talk to you about my scholar-

Gilderoy: Not now! ...Ok then, let's start...

Voldemort: Ooh! I'll do it! *Turns to Fudgy* so... what's your name?

OUTSIDE:

Mary-Sue is having a breakdown and as much as I'd like to show it to you, we signed an agreement stating that we will not abuse any of our staff's-

*Padfoot howls*

Except him. Now let's go back...

INSIDE:

Fudgy:

This Kis-s-s! This kis-s-s!

It's the way you love me, bab-y-y-y

Gilderoy: That's enough.

Fudgy: Did I get it?

Gilderoy: No.

Hermione: Yes!!!

Gilderoy: *mutters* suck up

*Both look at Voldemort*

Voldemort: *playing with rubber ducky* ...and Mister Ducky says... *noticing everyone's stares* chicken?

Gilderoy: That's a no?

Voldemort: Yes?

Fudgy: Yes!!!

Gilderoy: He didn't say that! He said yes that I said he said no...

Voldemort: *nodding at Gilderoy* Yes.

Fudgy: See! He said yes again!

Gilderoy: No! He said yes that I said he said yes when I said he said no... Hermione?

Hermione: Yes?

Fudgy: Even she says yes!

Gilderoy: Goddamn it, man! She's saying yes that he said yes when I said yes that I said he said no. Right, Hermione?

Hermione: Yes.

Fudgy: There you-

Gilderoy: YOU BLOODY IDIOT! SHE SAID YES THAT SHE SAID YES WHEN I ASKED HER IF HE SAID YES WHEN I SAID YES THAT I SAID HE SAID YES! NOW GET OUT!

Fudgy: *scared* Well, all right. But I'll make sure that you pay for what you have done to me.

* Fudgy stomps out*

Gilderoy: Only that we'll get paid, instead of paying...

Hermione: I hope he's a better Minister Of Magic than a singer...

Voldemort: *looks up from his rubber ducky* That was the Minister Of Magic?

The judges had not found one person eligible to be Magical Idol... until a special friend comes in? Don't go away! We'll be right back!

Singsong voice:

He-who-must-not-be-named!

Hermione and her toy troll!

Gilderoy in shame!

You get to see them all!

Oliver Wood's voice: The auditions are finished and the game begins! Weekdays, seven to eight in your Weally Winderful Wizawds Watcher!

*music*

Pretty girl: Mommy Mommy! Can I have an invisibility cloak?

Mommy: No darling, you're too young.

Father: Why not buy her a tinvisibility cloak?

Mommy and girl: A tinvisibility cloak? What a wonderful idea!

Deep Voice: tinvisibility cloak is a magical way to be invisible and not be invisible!

Little voice: Recommended for ages 3 and up. Each sold separately. Invisibility not included.

*End of music*

Welcome back to Magical Idol and here are our judges:

Fleur:

Cast of the shackles of yesterday!

Shoulder to shoulder into the fray!

Our daughter's daughters will adore us!

And they'll sing in grateful chorus!

Well-done sister suffragettes!

Voldemort: *drooling* Yeah baby!

Gilderoy: *drooling* All right!

Hermione: *drooling* zzz

Fleur: I am in, no?

Gilderoy: As much as I hate to say it, we need a yes or no from Hermione. It's procedure...

Fleur: Hmmm... Can you please 'urry up? I am late for my pedicure...

Voldemort: You go ahead... We'll do it...

Fleur: Thank you, my lord...

Gilderoy: Congratulations, you are going to the Haunted Woods!

Fleur: Yes! YES!

*Runs out of the room screaming 'yes!'*

*Hermione wakes up*

Hermione: Do we have that on tape?

Voldemort: I love it when she calls me 'My lord'...

Gilderoy: Yucky thoughts! Yucky thoughts!

*silence*

Hermione: Does anyone else smell something?

Voldemort: Sorry... I tend to do that when I get excited...

Hermione: Who's next?

Voldemort: A woman named Arabella Figg...

Gilderoy: Stupid name.

Hermione: Of course it is. Nothing at all like yours, Gilderoy Lockhart.

Gilderoy: Nothing at all, Hermione Granger.

Voldemort: Shut up, both of you.

Hermione: Voldemort

Gilderoy: Tom Riddle

Voldemort: Ick...

Hermione: *smug* So don't you talk about na-

Voldemort: No... Ick... There's something licking my toe...

Gilderoy: It's the grim!

Hermione: No! It's Sirius!

Voldemort: Seriously?

Hermione: Se- Ah! I know what you're doing!

Gilderoy: Stupid clichés...

*Arabella enters*

Arabella: Hello Gentlemen

Voldemort: Hello, Arabella Figg.

Arabella: You're too big? Oh no, lad. You might be creepy but you're not big so don't worry your head about it.

Gilderoy: He said, Hello, Miss Figg.

Arabella: You miss Fin? Is Fin the girl you are courting?

Hermione: Oh! Never mind!

Arabella: You can never find what, dear?

Hermione: I said, never mind...

Arabella: You misplaced your behind?

Hermione: Ugh!

Arabella: Well, No need to be rude, dear...

*Arabella pulls cat out of her purse and sets it on the ground*

*Arabella pulls out a cat from one of her pockets and sets it on the ground*

*Arabella pulls out a cat from one of her other pockets and sets it on the ground*

*Arabella pulls out a cat from one of her other pockets and sets it on the ground*

Gilderoy: All right! All right! No more cats! Keep them to yourself, please.

Arabella: Ooh...but this one really wants to come out...

*She reaches into her hat, pulls a runt of a cat and puts it on the ground*

*Padfoot eats it*

Arabella: Now, where did she go?

Hermione: Just sing!

Arabella: Ping? You're name is Ping? Hello... Ping. I know you, you're Harry's friend!

Gilderoy: Sing!

Arabella: Ding? I named one of my cats, Ding...

Voldemort: SING!

Arabella: Why didn't you say so?

What's new pussycat?

Whoa! Whoa!

What's new pussycat!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Pussycat, pussycat!

I've got flowers and lots of hours,

To spend with-

Hermione: I can't bear it anymore!

Arabella: You can't hear anymore? I thought you might have some problems dear. You couldn't understand what anyone was saying.

Voldemort: Go away!

Arabella: What did I say? I said, Ping's hearing is-

Gilderoy: LEAVE!

Arabella: Deceive? Deceive who?

Gilderoy: GO! GO!

Arabella: Well, fine then! Acting so nice and suddenly telling me to leave! Youngsters, these days...

Gilderoy: Wait! Don't leave your cats!

OUTSIDE:

Oliver: How do you feel, Miss Figg?

Arabella: What colour is teal? Well, dear-

Mary-Sue: Did the lamb fit?

Arabella: How was it? Oh it was...

*Arabella looks at her, then looks at the camera*

Arabella: Gilderoy is a ******* *******! I can't believe he ******* told me to ******* go away! He can just ***** my ***! He is a ****** *******!

*She leaves in a huff*

Oliver: I am stunned

Mary-Sue: Although, I am perfect and always expect everything... I am stunned...

*silence*

Oliver: I never knew you could speak old-lady...

Mary-Sue: One of my endless amounts of talents...

NEXT WEEK: MORE GILDEROY! AND YOU VOTE FOR YOUR FAVOURITES! NEXT WEEK ON... MAGICAL IDOL!