Magical Idol

Magical Idol

Chapter one: Fifth Years of Hogwarts

Welcome to the second season of....

Magical Idol!

Our first judge is the writer of the bestseller called 'What's My Name'... Gilderoy Lockhart!

Gilderoy Lockhart: *sniff* I am honored to be judging another season of Magical Idol and hopefully we will find that some of you can actually sing

Our second judge... and no killing please Voldemort... *Lord Voldemort slips his wand back into his robes*... prefect and top of her class...Hermione Granger!

Hermione Granger: Wait! You're making me sit next to him?

Gilderoy: I'm hurt, I really am...

Our third judge from whatever rock he's crawled out from, please welcome You-know-who!

Lord Voldemort: No autographs please

...And our host...Gryffindor Team Former Quidditch Captain... Oliver Wood!

Oliver Wood: We auditioned basically all the students of Hogwarts and then sent the promising ones to the great hall.

Hermione was already there, encouraging and giving out helpful hints. Gilderoy of course came fashionably late on his new Firebolt.

The judges were going to listen to the auditions in the antechamber, which was once used to talk to the Triwizard Champions a year ago.

* Ronald Weasley walks in*

Voldemort: Oh, this should be fun.

Hermione: Hi, What's your name?

Ron: Don't be silly 'mione. You know my name.

Hermione: *irritated* It's procedure.

Ron: Who cares? No one is listening, anyway.

Hermione: I know your name but the other judges don't.

Ron: What's my name?

Voldemort and Gilderoy: Ronald Weasley.

Hermione: How did you know?.

*Voldemort and Gilderoy point to the 'I LOVE RONALD WEASLEY' sticker on her Transfiguration notebook. *

Hermione: *turning red* Uh yes... carrying on... what are you going to sing?

Ron: *turning red as well* Oh... uh... Blue Moon...

Gilderoy: *yawning* Well carry on then...

Ron:

*Looking into Hermione's eyes*

Blue Mo-o-o-n.

You saw me standing al-o-o-one.

Without a dream of my o-o-own.

Without a love of my o-o-own.

Hermione: *dreamily* He's got my vote.

Voldemort: *dreamily* and mine... * noticing everyone's stares * What???

Gilderoy: *at Voldemort* I don't want to know *at Ron* you have a very good voice but I didn't feel it so... last year I told a man that he was the worst singer in-

Hermione: Are you kidding me? He's wonderful!

Gilderoy: All right! All right! I was just practicing! *At Ron in a bored tone* Congratulations, you are going to MollyWood.

*Molly Weasley pops into thin air*

Molly: Did someone call my name? Did you get it dear?

Ron: *Ears turning red* Mu-u-um!

Molly: Ooh sorry! Good luck, Ronnie!

*Molly vanishes*

Voldemort: Ronnie?

Gilderoy: I mean, congratulations. You are going to the Haunted Woods!

Ron: Yes! YES!

*Runs out of the room screaming 'Yes'*

OUTSIDE:

Oliver Wood: And this is Mary-Sue, a former contestant of Magical Idol, who is our corresponding reporter. She is from Texas!

Mary-Sue: Hey Y'all!

Oliver: And this is Pansy Parkison from Slytherin. Pansy, why do you want to be Magical Idol?

Pansy: Because, I believe in world peace!

Oliver: Can you sing?

Pansy: No-o-o.

Mary-Sue: Can you dance?

Pansy: No-o-o.

Oliver: Ehem... I see...

*Oliver and Mary-Sue fidget uncomfortably*

BACK TO THE JUDGES:

*Pansy enters*

Voldemort: Hey, what's your name?

Pansy: *fake accent* Hey all you dawgs! I'm Princess Dawggy!

*Hermione groans*

Princess Dawggy: Shuddup, Granger!

Hermione: That's not your name.

Princess Dawggy: Shuddup, Granger!

Hermione: *meekly* Okay

Gilderoy: Bored now.

Voldemort: What are you going to sing for us today?

Princess Dawggy: World Peace.

*Judges stare in silence*

Gilderoy: Um... okay... is it an original?

Princess Dawggy: It's an orig-wha?

Gilderoy: An orig-y-nal! You know, written by Princess Dawggy.

Princess Dawggy: Written by wha?

Voldemort: By you!

Princess Dawggy: Uh...No...

Gilderoy: Just sing it!

Princess Dawggy:

*Sings world peace at the tune of I Will Survive*

Wo-o-o-rl' Peace!

Wo-o-o-rl' Peace!

Wo-o-o-rl' Peace Rox!

Wo-o-o-rl' Peace!

Voldemort: That's it! I've had it! Avada Kedavra!

*Pansy dies*

Gilderoy: Thank god! Someone take this carcass away!

*Neville scurries in, picks up Pansy, scurries out*

Hermione: No?

Voldemort: No...

Gilderoy: Definitely no... *scribbles on pad*

OUTSIDE:

Oliver: ...and now we're out with...

Mary-Sue: A bleh -blay- bluh-

Blaise: Blaise Zabini.

Oliver: Ah yes... Now Blaise, is it? What a nice name!

Blaise: Thank you, my granny named me...

Mary-Sue: So uh... Your name can be used by both genders? I mean... people can get confused by it...

Blaise: Yes... I suppose... but I think my gender suits it best...

Oliver: And your gender is-

*Mary-Sue nudges him*

Oliver: Uh- I mean... Have you been singing long?

Blaise: Yes. Ever since my mother sent me to a private nursery school.

Mary-Sue: Ah! Private schools are never coed are they?

Blaise: No... at least... not mine...

Oliver: Well anyway... do you have any special people in your life? Any girlfriends? Boyfriends?

Blaise: Heh heh... no... I'm not allowed to date either... and ... I'm not gay?

Mary-Sue: I see... well thank you, Blaise...

*Mary-Sue and Oliver walk away*

Oliver: Twenty sickles, it's a her.

Mary-Sue: Deal

WITH THE JUDGES:

*Blaise enters*

Gilderoy: Hello... who are you?

Blaise: I'm Blaise Zabini...

Gilderoy: *stretches out* what are you going to sing for us, Blaise, is it?

Blaise: Unchained Melody.

Gilderoy: Very good...

Blaise:

O-o-o-h my lo-o-ove

My darl-e-e-en

I've hungered for your to-u-u-uch

*Gilderoy holds up his hand*

Gilderoy: I'll say it to you straight, are you male or female?

Blaise: *starts crying* I- I- I can't believe you said that! No one understands me!

*Blaise runs out*

Hermione: Well?

Voldemort: Yes.

Gilderoy: No.

*Both look at Hermione*

Hermione: It was good for a woman but bad for a man, what am I supposed to say?

Gilderoy: I guess we'll never know...

OUTSIDE:

*Blaise runs out*

Oliver: What happened?

*Blaise looks at him, then looks at the camera*

Blaise: Gilderoy is such an *******! I can't ******* believe it! He is a ******* ******* and I he thinks he can ******* say whatever he ******* wants! We'll he can just ******* kiss my ******* ***!

Oliver: Um... okay...

Time passes and the judges can't seem to find any good singers at all in Hogwarts. Is it a lost cause? Next: The boy-who-lived. Is he the boy-who-answered-the-judges-wishes? Stay tuned!

Singsong voice:

When you need a good voice,

And you don't have a choice.

Watch Magical Idol instea-a-ad

Oliver Wood's voice: More singers, more failures and more... Gilderoy! Weekdays, seven to eight on your Weally Wunderful Wizawds Watcher!

*music*

Pretty girl: Mommy Mommy! Can I have a wand?

Mommy: No darling, you're too young.

Father: Why not buy her a bawand?

Mommy and girl: A bawand? What a wonderful idea!

Deep Voice: Bawand is a magical way to cast spells and not get hurt.

Little voice: Recommended for ages 3 and up. Each sold separately. Magic not included.

*end of music*

Welcome back to Magical Idol and here are our judges:

Gilderoy: How about a break?

Hermione: How about giving them actual constructive criticism?

Voldemort: How about I kill both of you and hide the bodies?

Hermione: NEXT!

Gilderoy: I'm supposed to say that!

Hermione: Is it written anywhere?

Voldemort: Shut up both of you.

Gilderoy: Who died and made you lord?

*Voldemort and Hermione look at him*

Gilderoy: Point taken.

Hermione: But I still think-

Voldemort: -ah

Gilderoy: but I-

Voldemort: -ah

Hermione: This isn't ve-

Voldemort: -ah

Gilderoy: I'm-

Voldemort: -ah

Hermione: I-

Voldemort: -ah

Gilderoy: fi-

Voldemort: -ah

Hermione: You can stop now-

Voldemort: -ah

Gilderoy: I-

Voldemort: -ah

*Gilderoy growls and shuts up*

*Hermione as usual opens her mouth to argue when she sees Harry*

Hermione: Oh hi Harry!

Harry: See this! I don't want this! I don't want it! I didn't ask for this! I told you! You should treat me like everyone else, Hermione! I already told you!

Hermione: I just said hi, Harry.

Harry: Exactly!

Hermione: So what do you want me to say?

Harry: Um, Uh... what's your name?

Hermione OK... Um, Uh... what's your name?

Harry: Not like that!

Hermione: Ok then, What's your name?

Harry: Not like that!!! Do it properly!

Hermione: Then tell me what to say, Harry! ******* tell me!

*Everyone gasps*

Hermione: Uh oh.

*Professor Dumbledore and all other teachers march in and start taking points of Gryffindor*

OUTSIDE

Oliver: *head pressed to the door* I think...

Mary-Sue: Can you hear anything?

Oliver: Hush up, woman! How can I hear anything with you freaking out?

INSIDE

Harry: You can come out now Hermione

*Hermione crawls out from under the table*

Voldemort: *fiddling with his wand and wondering whether or not to kill Harry* What did you do that for?

Harry: Can I sing now?

Gilderoy: Sure... whatever...

Harry:

Only you can make this world seem right
Only you can make the darkness bright
Only you and you alone can thrill me like you do
And fill my heart with love for only you

Hermione: Yes!

Gilderoy: Yes!

Voldemort: Congratulations, boy. Your singing almost made me not want to kill you...

*Harry smiles*

Voldemort: ...almost

*Harry's face falls*

Gilderoy: But anyway... congratulations... You're going to the Haunted Woods!

Harry: Yes! YES!

*Runs out screaming 'yes!'*

BACK WITH THE JUDGES:

*Draco Malfoy enters*

Voldemort: What is your name, Draco, Son of Lucius Malfoy who is currently in my service killing thousands of innocent Muggles?

Draco: My name is Draco, my lord.

Voldemort: Shhhh! You're giving us away.

Draco: I'm sorry.

Voldemort: I'm sorry- what? Show respect!

Draco: I'm sorry, my lord

Voldemort: Shut up!

Draco: Yes, my lord.

Voldemort: Avada-

Hermione: Wait! Not yet!

Gilderoy: Draco, what are you singing today?

Draco: I'm singing Are You Lonesome Tonight by Elv-

Voldemort: You traitor, singing a Muggle song! Avad-

Hermione: Not yet!

Draco:

Do you gaze at your doorstep and picture me there?
Is your heart filled with pain, shall I come back again?
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

*Draco starts stripping*

Hermione: I'm bought

Voldemort: *resentfully* I'm not

Gilderoy: You don't have to strip anymore, Draco

Hermione: Wait! Yes you do!

Gilderoy: You're going to the Haunted Woods.

Draco: I am? I am? Yes! YES!

*Runs out of the room screaming 'yes!'*

Voldemort: That was rude

*Draco runs in again and kisses Voldemort hand*

Draco: Thank you, my lord!

*Runs out screaming 'yes!' *

Voldemort: That's better

Gilderoy: I would have preferred him kissing my hand!

*Voldemort sticks his snaky tongue out at Gilderoy*

Hermione: *mutters* suck up

OUTSIDE:

*Draco runs in screaming 'yes'*

*Draco runs out again*

*Draco runs in screaming 'yes'*

Oliver: You got it?

Draco: Yes! YES!

*Draco looks at camera*

Draco: Gilderoy, I love you!

Mary-Sue: *pouts* You don't love me?

Draco: Yes I do...

*There was silence*

Draco: Did you know I'm a heir to a mansion with more than a hundred house-elves under my command?

Mary-Sue: Re-e-ally?

Draco: Uh-huh and...

BACK WITH THE JUDGES:

Gilderoy: No

Hermione: No

Voldemort: No

*Neville Longbottom leaves looking crestfallen*

Gilderoy: NEXT!

Gregory Goyle: Hello, m'lord.

*Gilderoy groans*

Next Week: Will the judges find someone worthy of being Magical Idol in the fourth year? Next week! Same magic time, same magic channel!