An Exercise in Stupidity

Susannah: Crabbe (or Goyle) will do, until I can find Sir Cadogan.

Maria: Where's Tommy?

Finally Susannah realizes (with great relief) that Crabbe is the not so dumb one.

Susannah: Whew, I mean, imagine what our kids would go through at school, being called Goyle and all.

Maria: *still on Draco's lap* Yeah, but I wouldn't want to be calling Gregory! *laughs hysterically at the Portuguese joke while the others stare at her un-amused*

Draco: *upset* Listen, girl, would you mind getting off of me?

Maria: Why would I get off of y_ *sees Terence Higgs*

Cue Beethoven's Ode to Joy.

Maria: *swoons*

Terence (to Flint): *still unsuspecting of his great peril* So, I told Wood, "Listen you filthy mudblood lover I won_"

Maria: *tramples Flint*

Flint: +_+

Maria: *ignores the fact that in real life she's impossibly shy* So, what's your name?

Higgs: *displeased* Aren't you a mudblood?

Maria: *bats her eyelashes until she blows out the candles*

Higgs: I'm Terence Higgs, now go away!

Maria: *gets closer* You're hot, even though your name is effeminate.

Higgs: *outraged* Stupid mudblood! *stands up* Go to your table!

Maria: *looks him over* Hmmm... You're a real bastard. I like that in a man.

Terence: *points to the Ravenclaw table* Now!

Maria: *gets up and smiles appraisingly* I think you're worthy to be my bitch.

Terence: *exasperated* I told you to_ Wha_? Your...your bitch? *kind of smiles but tries to cover it up*

Susannah: *disgusted* I've had enough. Let's go to our table, Maria. *drags her along*

They sit at the Ravenclaw table.

Cho: *impossibly perky* Hi! I'm Cho Chang!

Susannah: Whatever. *searches for Cedric at the Hufflepuff table*

Maria: *already stuffing her gob with food* Isn't Chang a British slang for cocaine?

Cho: *blushes* Er... my parents... they're hippies.

Maria: *takes a sip and spits it at Susannah's skirt* What the hell is this?

Susannah: *screams bloody murder*

Cho: *still perky* That's pumpkin juice. Isn't it delicious?

Susannah: *infuriated* Christ! Couldn't you have spat it at the stupid *points at Cho then thinks better of it*...er...floor?

Maria: *sheepish* Sorry. You know I'm clumsy. I'll go with you to our dorm, so you can change.

Susannah: *still upset*

Maria: Oh, come on! Look at the bright side; you'll get to see Sir Cadogan!

Susannah: *beams*

The following day...

Susannah: I cannot believe you! First we don't get to see Sir Cadogan, then you set fire to our bedroom and now you get us lost on our way to Potions!

Maria: I said I was sorry! How was I supposed to know it would catch fire?

Susannah: What were you doing with massage oil and a lighter in the first place? You don't even smoke!

Maria: Oh! That was a... er... research. Yeah, research. *shifty eyes*

Susannah: *shivers with fright* Look, let's just find the dungeons, okay? You're European, you spend your time in freaking castles! Everywhere you go in Europe there's a castle! So FIND THE DUNGEONS!

Snape: *appearing at the dungeon door* If the two young Ravenclaws would be so kind as to join us, after I've removed 50 points from Ravenclaw for tardiness, maybe I could go on with the lesson.

Maria: *proud* I'm good!

Susannah and Maria enter and take their seats.

Snape: Now, as I was saying, brew glory and even put a stopper to_ WHAT ARE THE TWO OF YOU WEARING?

Susannah: Pants?

Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws: *laugh*

Maria: She means 'trousers.' *glares at Susannah*

Snape: And why, pray tell me, aren't you wearing the uniform skirts?

Susannah: I refuse to subject to the inherent sexism of making the girls always wear skirts! *nudges Maria to join in*

Maria: Yeah! And there's no way I'm going to shave my legs every single day!

Susannah: *rolls her eyes at Maria's shallowness*

Snape: You will go now and dress accordingly to this school's dress code!

Maria: But I haven't had time to shave! I'll look like a monkey!

Susannah: We will discuss this matter with the Headmaster!

Maria: Yeah! *stands in support* We will discuss this matter with the Hea_ What? We will?

Susannah: Yes! *pulls Maria from the classroom.*

Maria: We are so screwed!

Susannah: Nonsense! They'll have to see the absurdity of perpetuating this sexist_

Maria: You do realise it won't be easy for two girls to defy 1000 years of tradition, don't you?

Susannah: Don't be a pessimist! United we stand, divided we fall!

Maria: *sighs* Well, as long as you keep your mind clear and ready for debate, maybe we'll stand a chan_

Susannah: *gasps* Sir Cadogan!

Maria: Oh, God. This could be awhile.

Susannah:

Maria: Eeew! How could you let me sit on this floor? You're supposed to be an observant American!

Susannah: Sir Cadogan? Sir Cadogan? Oh, my GOD, Maria, it's Sir Cadogan. He's-so-oh-my-god-have-you-ever-seen-a-better-looking-man-wearing-armor-Maria-oh-my-god-I-found-Sir-Cadogan-

Maria: You really are nutters, aren't you?

Susannah:

Maria: He is a piece of art.

Cadogan: Gentle ladies, how art thou this fine school year? They call me Sir Cadogan.

Susannah: Maria, he talked to me, he talked to me!

Cadogan: Your compatriot, is she of sound mind?

Maria: I'm not quite sure.

Cadogan: And what are your names, stations and titles, fair maidens?

Maria: Princess Maria of Nobre.

Cadogan: Of the Lisbon Nobres?

Maria: He knows who I am - Susannah, he knows who I am.

Susannah : Stay away from him or I will grind you into dust so fine even Dumbledore himself couldn't find you.

Maria: could be used as a weapon> You really scare me sometimes.

Cadogan: And you, my dear?

Susannah: Lady Susannah, heir to the vast Amado fortune. And I want to marry and give it all to you.

Maria: What about female autonomy? Women's rights? Susannah - Susannah!

Susannah: I love you, Sir. Can I call you "Sir?"

Cadogan: My given name is Cadogan, Lady Susannah, and as such, I must insist you call me that.

Susannah: I really love you, Sir.

Maria: You really are crazy. Come now, you lunatic, come on, Susannah.

Susannah: B-but, you can't take m-me away from here. I need to bear his children.

Cadogan: Good luck on your next expedition, sweet flowers, good luck! And if I can be of any assistance, do not hesitate to summon Sir Cadogan and his agile gray pony.

Maria: Try slow fat mare, you bumbling piece of... ... art. Art. Come now, Susannah, we'll go off to find Professor Dumbledore.

Susannah: Professor Dumbledore?

Maria: Yes - there, there, Susannah. He's the nice, effeminate man who claps queerly.

Susannah: He's also having a sexual relationship with that nice talking hat.

Maria: Yes, the one who's having the sexual relationship with that nice talking hat.

Cho: Hi there!

Susannah: Any idea where Professor Dumbledore's office is?

Cho: Oh, no, we're not allowed to go there unless someone calls us. Going there without an invitation would be wrong.

Maria: I didn't ask you if you wanted to come with us, I asked if you knew where it was.

Cho: I don't want to be party to you breaking the rules.

Maria: God, you really do sniff your namesake, don't you, you goody-goody piece of...

Maria: Art. Oy, Weasley!

Susannah: And Weasley's bitch!

Ron and Harry: Are you talking to us?

Susannah: Yes, Tweedledum and Tweedledumbass.

Maria: How do we get to Dumbledore's?

Harry: I'll tell you if I get the chance to show how long my wand really is.

Maria: You're 11. And besides, my friend here wants your hot body, not me.

Susannah: Yes, I want your hot body. But not your personality.

Harry: But you still want me.

Maria: Yeah, I want you like Voldemort wants you - dead and on a stick.