An Exercise in Stupidity

The Sorting Hat finishes its song.

McG steps forward.

McG: Hannah Abbott!

Hanna sits on the stool and McG places the Sorting Hat on her head.

Half a minute passes.

Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF!

Maria: *disgusted* Oh, my God!

Susannah: *scared* What? What?

Maria: What? What? There is no way that that filthy hat is going to touch my

head!

Susannah: *exasperated* Oh, come on!

Maria: My name is Nobre! N! That's practically the last! What if someone before

me has lice?

Susannah: O_O

McG: Hermione Granger!

Susannah: *outraged* The hell?!

Maria: *joining in* What do they think they're doing?

Susannah: *raises hand*

McG: Yes?

Susannah: *clears her throat* Excuse me, but my last name is Amado.

McG: So?

Maria: *joins in* So, last time I checked A came before G!

McG: *totally blows us off*

Susannah: Can you believe this?! You Europeans are way too liberal with the

alphabet!

Maria: Stupid Brits!

Ron (to Harry): Those two will be in Slytherin, mark my words!

Maria and Susannah: *gasp* That's where Tommy was!

Maria: *lost in delusion land* We'll walk where he has walked! We'll sit were he

has sat!

Susannah: Roll on his bed while grabbing a pillow and pretending it's him!

Maria: He had a 32 inch wand, you know?

Maria and Susannah: *annoying giggles*

Harry (to Seamus): Who's Tommy?

Seamus: *shrugs*

McG: Ron Weasley!

Maria: *raises hand*

McG: *ignores her*

Maria: That's not democratic!

Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR!

McG: Deraecou Melefoye!

Maria and Susannah: *laugh at McG's stupid accent*

Susannah: *nudging Maria* He'd be kind of hot if only his hair moved!

Maria: Hello?! Bottle blond! Look at the eyebrows! The eyebrows never lie!

Sorting Hat: SLYTHERIN!

McG: Harry Potter!

Everyone: *gasp*

Maria: Who the hell is he?

Susannah: I thought you knew. I thought it was a Euro thing.

Lavender: He's the boy who lived!

Maria and Susannah: *blank stare*

Lavender: He's the one who defeated the Dark Lord!

Maria and Susannah: *glare at Harry*

Maria: I knew it! Look at the eyebrows! The eyeb-

Susannah: *seething with hatred* Shut up!

Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR!

Maria: *dances with joy*

Susannah: *disturbed* Have you lost your mind? He killed Tommy!

Maria: What? Oh, no. Not that! Did you notice Dumbledore clapping?

Susannah: *rolls her eyes* Yes, I know. *sighs* That was wrong of him. A Headmaster should not be allowed to show preferences and blah, blah, blah.

Maria: *still dancing* No! He did a totally queer clap!

Susannah: Your point?

Maria: *does a happy twirl and sings* We have a gay professor! We have a gay professor!

Susannah: *shakes head in disgust*

McG: Maria Nobre!

Susannah: *outraged* Now that's just wrong!

Maria: *ignores her because she's an opportunist* jk

Sorting Hat: Hmmm... I see.

Maria: *snorts* Yeah, right! You don't have any eyes!

Sorting Hat: A bit of an attitude, have we?

Maria: You know, if I were a filthy ragged hat I wouldn't be making comments about other people's traits.

Sorting Hat: Arrogant, it seems. You could belong in Slytherin.

Maria: *delighted gasp* Tommy! I want to love him and bear his children!

Sorting Hat: Hmmm... a desire for love. Most un-Slytherin like.

Maria: Oh, shit!

Sorting Hat: Aren't you quick tempered? Perhaps Gryffindor.

Maria: *freaks* Oh, my God! Is that a mime? *panics*

Sorting Hat: Calm down! No! That's just The Bloody Baron in a period of...er...self-discovery. He's been experimenting with makeup.

Maria: *feels all hot and bothered*

Sorting Hat: So, not a Gryffindor, I see. Not brave enough. Maybe Hufflepuff.

Maria: Do I have to get up from the stool or can you use magic to beam me up to my bedroom?

Sorting Hat: Lazy, are we?

Maria: Is that a spider in that corner? You know, they're arthropods. That means arthro- articulate and podes-feet. The freakish part is that, genetically, they're very closely related to salt water crabs, although, phenotypicaly-

Sorting Hat: RAVENCLAW!

Maria: Hey! I hadn't finished yet!

McG: Susannah Amado!

Susannah: So, you're a talking hat, are you?

Sorting Hat: Not a talking hat, you dunderhead - a Sorting Hat.

Susannah: Same diff. You aren't one of those gifts from the aliens, are you? Like, you're not going to suck my brain through my scalp and then Transfigure yourself into me, and take over my identity, are you?

Sorting Hat: Fearful, are you? You won't do in Gryffindor. You like to talk a lot, so you might work well in Hufflepuff.

Susannah: Not Hufflepuff, not Hufflepuff.

Maria: Don't worry about a thing, Susannah! You look fantastic with that moldy, nasty, icky hat on you.

Sorting Hat: No, not Hufflepuff. You are much too literal for Hufflepuff.

Susannah: Don't patronize me, just say I'm too boring for Hufflepuff.

Sorting Hat: Susannah, you are much too boring for Hufflepuff.

Susannah: Thank you.

Sorting Hat: You are American, and we all know that the Devil was born in North America. You might do well in Slytherin.

Susannah: Do Slytherins like to hug?

Sorting Hat: Do you like to hug?

Susannah: Only to express my love for the world.

Sorting Hat: So you're from California, where they have more marijuana than lettuce, it seems?

Susannah: You bet! The best state in the Union!

Maria: There are no mimes. There are no mimes. Just think of your Jimmy Choo shoes. Just think of your Jimmy Choo's and all will be fine.

Susannah: You okay, there, Maria?

Maria:

What'd you say, Susannah? Don't worry, I won't tell a soul that you

lust after Harry Potter's hot body.

Sorting Hat: Well, you possess a reasonable vocabulary, and you are literate, and seeing as how I have no where else to place you...

HUFFLEPUFF!

Susannah: Have you been smoking my California herb, you stupid hat? We decided that I was not going to be in Hufflepuff.

Sorting Hat: Me and my white bearded, effeminate master may have gone through your luggage, lit up some of that delicious California mary jane, put on some Bob Marley, and made some wild, passionate lo...

Susannah: I do NOT need to hear about that! And may I say, Professor Dumbledore, I am shocked!

Sorting Hat: RAVENCLAW!

Ron : So you lust after Harry's hot body?

Susannah: I will lust after Harry's body only when it is dead.

Maria : That sounded really dirty.

Susannah: The only way I want Harry Potter is dead.

Maria: Still dirty.

Susannah : Listen, Harry, no hard feelings, but you are the world's biggest Mary Sue. I can't stand you. You are everything I never want to be, and, quite frankly, I want you dead.

Harry : But you want me, don't you? Don't pretend you don't see this scar and want to make a man of me.