An Exercise in Stupidity

On the way to Dumbledore's office

Susannah: So I heard Dumbledore has some crazy passwords. Mostly candy or something.

Maria: Chocolate Frog!

Susannah: Blood pops!

Maria : Dumbledore molests Sorting Hats!

Susannah: Who knew Dumbledore was that kinky?

Maria:

Susannah: Professor Dumbledore!...

Dumbledore: Oh, yes! Yes, Fawkes! Put the whole beak in. All of it!

Maria & Susannah: O_O O_O à>_< >_<

Dumbledore: Oh! *quickly tries to disguise his actions* Ha, ha!

Maria & Susannah: *look dazed*

Susannah: We... we... are here... because... *looks at Maria for help*

Maria: *vacant look* Trousers.

Susannah: *suddenly remembers* Oh, yeah! Trousers!

Dumbledore: Trousers?

Maria: We want to wear them.

Dumbledore: *wiping Fawkes' beak* Aren't you wearing them already?

Susannah: But we are not allowed to, because of the dress code.

Dumbledore: *smoking a cig* The dress code? *takes a puff* Oh, yes, yes! Well you can't.

Maria: *European nature kicks in* He is right, Susannah. We should just wear skirts.

Susannah: But_

Maria: Of course, some less dignified person would resort to coercive methods, as, for example, divulging some questionable behaviour of those who detain power. Which, I for one would not do.

Dumbledore: Well, then I'm sure that the ones in power would bow to a reasonable request, if it were limited to the people who held such information.

Maria: Indeed.

Dumbledore: Then I'm glad we had this conversation.

Maria: We didn't get to meet at all.

Dumbledore: Exactly.

Maria pulls Susannah out of Dumbledore's office.

Susannah: What the hell just happened?!

Maria: *grins* We can wear trousers!

Susannah: Really? I can't wait to tell all the other girls they can stop wearing those stupid skirts! *starts to run down the corridor*

Maria: *grabs her robes* No! Wait. The only ones who will be allowed to wear trousers are the two of us.

Susannah: *angry* WHAT?! How could you agree with something like that?! United we stand! Remember?

Maria: *rolls her eyes* Susannah, you have to learn the European art of opportunism. It's each man for himself here. It's acceptable to be an absolutely corrupt bitch as long as you're smart enough to pull the right strings.

Susannah: *disgusted at moral perversity*

Maria: *morphs back to her shallow self* I am so glad we can wear trousers! Some boots only come to mid-calf and that looks really awful with skirts!

Susannah: *rolls her eyes* Come on, we're late for Charms class with the Gryffindors.

In Charms class.

Flitwick: One of a wizard's most rudimental skill is levitation or the ability to make objects fly. Do you all have your feathers? Good. Now don't forget the nice wrist movement we've been practicing. Hum! The "Swish and Flick". Everyone, the "Swish and Flick". Good! Oh and annunciate! Wingardium Leviosa. Off you go then!

All: Wingardium Leviosa.

Susannah: OMG! *stares at Dean Thomas*

Cue Mozart's Alleluja

Dean: *looks uncomfortable*

Maria: Win garden Levi's Ossama. Win garden Levi's Ossama. Why the hell...?

Susannah: Maria!

Maria: Win garden_

Susannah: *shakes Maria excitedly* I have found him!

Maria: *jumps up* Tommy! *looks around like a madwoman*

Susannah: *pushes her back to her seat* No! The man whom I'll marry! The father of my children! The grandfather of my grandchildren! The greatgrand_

Maria: *disappointed* Yeah, yeah. Who?

Susannah: *shamelessly points right at Dean's face*

Dean: *wand trembles*

Maria: I thought you didn't want kids.

Susannah: What's your point?

Maria: *gives up*

Susannah: *stares at Dean for the rest of the class*

Seamus: *stupidly blows himself up*

Maria (to Seamus): You twit!

Susannah: Yeah! I mean, *points at Harry* he was right next to you! And still you didn't manage to blow him to bits!

Seamus: *looks embarrassed*

Harry (to Susannah): Don't worry, baby. I don't need him. I'm the bomb.

Maria & Susannah: *look nauseated*

At lunch in the Great Hall

Cho (to Maria & Susannah): *perky* And then, *giggle* I said, "I though it was the other book!" and he said, "No, it isn't." *giggle* and I said, "Oh, my mistake then!" and he said_

Susannah: Fascinating. *gets up and goes to the Gryffindor table.*

Maria: Hey! Don't leave me alone with_

Susannah: *leaves*

Maria: *furious* Americans!

Dean (to Ron): ...at the other end, Sinclair did manage one shot Wright dealt with comfortably...

Ron: *in a coma*

Dean: ... but Ferdinand failed to add to his extraordinary personal record of fifteen goals in the last sixteen games West Ham had against Everton, when he badly miscued a header and was substituted shortly afterwa_

Susannah: *pushes Ron's comatose body to the floor and takes his place* Hi!

Dean: *unsure* er...Hi?

Susannah: *smoothly* So, you're a Gryffindor?

Dean: Yeah, we just had Charms together.

Susannah: Oh, yeah! I noticed that we were with the Gryffindors because of that freckled Irish boy who blew his feather up.

Dean: *smiles amicably* Oh! You mean Seamus Finnigan?

Susannah: Yeah! What a complete and utter fool!

Dean: He's my best mate.

Susannah: ....Oh! That Seamus Finnigan! I thought you meant another Seamus Finnigan. Me and Seamus, we, we get along fine!

Dean: *looks unconvinced*

Maria: *sits next to Susannah*

Susannah: *starts to panic* We're... we're best friends too. We're more than friends. We're more like brother and sister! No! *freaks* Lovers! Many nights we spent in the US, in each other's arms_

Maria: *elbows Susannah*

Susannah: Yes! Seamus is a nice guy.

Dean (crouches next to Ron's body on the floor): *ignores Susannah* He was substituted shortly afterwards. Even with one less man, West Ham managed to win by...

Susannah: *hides face behind hands* What an idiot!

Maria: Maybe it's contagious and you got it from me.

Susannah: *looks at Dean* What am I going to do? *looks at Higgs* And what are you going to do?

Maria: *proudly* We'll stalk them obsessively!

Susannah: I want to see Dean!

Maria: Shut up, Susannah. I want to see Higgs.

Higgs: So I told Dumbledore, "Dumbledore"- I call him Dumbledore- so I said to Dumbledore, "Dumbledore, you unhand me..."

Malfoy : Oh, Higgs, you're so strong...

Malfoy: Get off of Higgs, you Mudblood! He's m- He doesn't like you!

Maria : It's okay, Draco, I know you're a slut. So, how's my bitch doing?

Higgs: Excuse me, if anyone is the bitch in this relationship-

Maria: Yes, yes, I know, Malfoy would be the bitch. But I want you to be my bitch, you handsome specimen of man.

Susannah: Can we go now? I want to go see Dean.

Malfoy: That Gryffindor Mudblood?

Susannah: Yes, I want him to father my children. And be grandfather to my grandchildren. And be great-grandfather to my-

Maria: We get the picture.

Malfoy: Why do you want him?

Susannah: Well, if I can't get him, you, Crabbe and Goyle will do. Perhaps at the same time, if you're feeling up for a challenge.

Maria: Susannah! You conservative American!

Susannah: Hey, how often do you have the chance to make men of Crabbe, Goyle and Malfoy.

Malfoy: I'm already a man.

Maria: Right, and I'm the wife of Lord Voldemort. Wouldn't it be nice, though, being the wife of Tommy? I'd wear white, and my bridesmaids would wear green for Slytherin. We could get married where he killed his father and grandparents? And maybe honeymoon in the Forbidden Forest, and make sweet love...

Susannah: EEEEEEW!