Wild Dancing Underpants?

"Welcome, witches and wizards," Terry Boot announced, standing on a temporary stage set up in the Drawing Room at Malfoy Manor, "to the very first Gilderoy Lockhart Torture Tournament. Let me introduce you all to Lord Lucius Malfoy, your host for the evening!"

The chamber, packed to the brim with angry wizards and peeved former Hogwarts students, erupted with cheers as Lucius took the stage, dressed all in black, smirk in place.

Lucius nodded disapprovingly.

Meanwhile, backstage where all the real magic was occurring, Blaise Zabini and Ron Weasley worked hard to fight down the pair of dancing underpants that had returned to haunt them, while Draco and Ginny dragged a large cage containing one Gilderoy Lockhart and two excited pixies to the curtain, concealing them from the public. Beyond the curtain stood Lucius Malfoy and his adoring public. Ginny and Draco waited until Lucius called out for the "Lockhart," and then pushed the cage forward through the curtain.

"You could've used a levitation charm," Blaise whispereGinny and Draco stepped behind the curtain once again.

"I'm not allowed to do magic outside of school, if you care to remember," Ginny snapped.

Ron could hold down the dancing underpants no longer, releasing them, allowing them to dance away through the curtain towards Lucius Malfoy, just as he (Lucius) released Lockhart from the cage.

Blaise, thinking quickly, jumped out onto stage, wand out in the ready mode. "The first duel's mine!" she called. "And for my first offence, I'm using the dancing underpants!"

"Fair enough," Lucius said, taking a step back. "Our first challenger, Blaise Zabini. But why dancing undergarments?"

Blaise did not reply; too busy trying to catch the wild underpants before they had a chance to attack anybody, if that was their intention.

"Expelliarmus!" Gilderoy Lockhart, who had risen to his feet holding a broken wand, shouted. The spell back-fired, lurching Gilderoy backwards so that he fell onto the dancing underpants.

"Thanks,"ise said, kicking Lockhart out of the way, retrieving the underwear. But the underpants were not so easily stopped, they struggled and fought, somehow striking Blaise, running off into the crowd.

"Catch those underpants!" Ron shouted, chasing the underwear into the audience.

Blaise decided she would complete her duel against Lockhart now that she had begun. "Rictusempra!" she bellowed, wand pointed at Lockhart, who lay on the ground, dazed and confused..

As the spell hit Lockhart, he became more dazed and confused than ever, giggling like a giddy little school girl on Valentine's Day, uncertain of the source for his extreme joy.

"My turn, my turn!" Fred Weasley yelled, jumping up onto the stage.

Unfortunately for Gilderoy, Blaise and Fred chose the same moment to cast a hex, each deciding on a different spell. After a blinding flash, Gilderoy could be seen crawling around, tentacles sprouting from his face, nose growing at a rapid rate.

"He's repulsive!" Ginny cried, seeing Gilderoy's ugly face as he turned towards her.

"He always has been," Blaise answered as the two excited pixies flew to Lockhart, tugging at his tentacles.

"Lockhart appears to have no defence," Terry Boot announced to the crowd, "so Blaise Zabini comes out the victor!"

A few people clapped and cheered while others dodged the over-excited underpants.

"Well, that was easy enough," said Blaise, happily accepting her victory over Lockhart.

"All right, clear the stage for the next challenger," said Terry, shooing Blaise backstage behind the curtain, where Ginny and Draco had been left alone seconds too long.

"Oh give it a rest," Blaise muttered.

Ginny and Draco obviously ignored Blaise.

***

Meanwhile, at the Ministry of Magic, Amos Diggory, most annoyed with Hermione Granger's campaign for the freedom of house elves, had decided to open up a bottle of Ogden's Old Firewhiskey, and presently, he lay passed out on the floor of his office, a pair of wild underpants dancing around him. (Yes, the same wild dancing underpants that had ran a rampage throughout Malfoy Manor, chasing Narcissa around the loo. I think I missed that part out...)

***

A few hours earlier, Narcissa Malfoy had had an urgent calling from nature, in other words, she needed to use the toilet. Approaching the large bathroom, Narcissa entered, stepping onto the marble tiled bathroom floor.

As Narcissa walked to the toilet, she noticed an open Witch Weekly magazine floating in midair just above the toilet. With caution, she tiptoed to the toilet, wonderment in her grey eyes. The cover of this particular floating magazine displayed the face of Lucius Malfoy. Carefully, Narcissa snatched the magazine out of the air, only to find a pair of underpants seated on the toilet.

"What's going on here?" Narcissa murmured aloud, swiping the underpants up.

Suddenly, with great force, the underpants knocked Narcissa off her feet, prancing away to the marble sink.

Narcissa rose to her feet swiftly, still with the need to... well, use the toilet. But she not go straight to the toilet, have a fear of being in the same bathroom as a pair of, well, underpants with a mind of their own. She decided she would dispose of the underpants before going about her own duties, so she inched towards the underpants, which seemed to be cleansing themselves in the bathroom sink, snatching them up. Having only seconds, Narcissa flew to the bathroom window, flinging it open.

But the underpants were to fast; they bolted away, back to the sink, before Narcissa had a chance to toss them out the window.

Now, Narcissa had grown quite afraid, thinking the underpants would attack her.

The underpants, feeling (if they had feelings) the need for self-defence, charged towards Narcissa with plans to knock down, but Narcissa, being the clever wife of the great Lord Lucius, sprang away in the other direction, landing cat-like on the marble floor a few metres from where she had started.

Now this bathroom was very large, probably bigger than your bathroom, and even bigger than my bathroom, and perhaps even bigger than Blaise's bathroom (but nobody wants to see Blaise's bathroom because just about everything in there is charmed to do something rather overwhelming), so Narcissa was free to run about, avoiding the wrath of the underpants.

Unfortunately, the underpants seemed to be quite clever, having a wonderful sense of direction, shooting after Narcissa everywhere she went, and Narcissa, having to use the bathroom now more than ever, could not keep up this mad marathon around the bathroom.

In the end, Narcissa gave up, leaving the bathroom, underpants and all. She decided to use a different bathroom, not wanting to "go" in her own undergarments.

Misfortune has it that Narcissa chose the next largest bathroom on the Malfoy Manor property right after Blaise had paid a visit there, leaving a wonderful little surprise there, thinking it'd be funny to see somebody try to use a bathroom occupied by a leprechaun who had been fed baked beans, and lot's of them.

Narcissa may well have died from bladder explosion that afternoon, she was not seen at the Gilderoy Lockhart torture session that evening, which, by the way, was the first, last, and only, as a few members of the Ministry were present and found this torture to be cruelty to animals. Harry Potter just happened to be one of these members of the ministry (you didn't think Harry wouldn't have a part-time job at the ministry along with his Quidditch career and his job at Hogwarts as the new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, and also work as an Auror at the same time? You underestimate the power of Harry Potter. Oh yes, and he still a model for Witch Weekly and he's currently working on his campaign to run for Minister of Magic). Moving on, Harry felt it necessary to take this case to Amos Diggory of the Department for Care and Control of Magical Creatures.

***

Well, it just so happens, the wild dancing underpants, after a horrible run-in with a Pogrebin (this Pogrebin had not come from Blaise Zabini, surprisingly, but from Brian Molko, a depressed musician), felt rather depressed, until they came across an unconscious Amos Diggory.

Hermione Granger had been sent, by Amos, to clean the toilets at the ministry, to give her a taste of a house elf's life. Amos had said this would show her how living like a human would feel for a house elf, but his truason for this had been to get rid of her as quick as possible.

As Amos Diggory lay unconscious, dancing underpants prancing around his office and Hermione Granger scrubbing toilets just down the corridor, a mob of wizards led by Harry Potter entered the office.

"Mr. Diggory," Harry said importantly, "we have some issues to discuss."

The underpants stopped their dancing, pausing in midair, apparently surprised.

"Mr. Diggory?" Harry asked, looking around the room.

"He's dead!" Seamus Finnigan cried, running passed Harry to Diggory's side, falling to his knees. "He's dead, and it was those underpants that killed him!" Seamus pointed angrily at the underpants which had once again started their dancing.

"Ah, Diggory met the same sticky end as his son," sneered the voice of Lucius Malfoy, who had just turned up with a rather large crowd of his own. A larger crowd of witches and wizards, by the way, than Harry Potter.

"I didn't know you felt so strongly about Amos Digg," said Ginny, entering the room after Seamus. (Ginny had obviously come with Lord Lucius because Harry had his chance years ago, but he gave it up).

"Well, I don't," said Seamus, rising to his feet, a confused expression on his face. "I've never actually spoken with the guy."

"He isn't dead," said Sirius Black, our wonderful Auror side-kick who came with neither Lucius nor Harry. "He's just piss drunk."

"I didn't know Amos Diggory was an alcoholic," said Ginny, now seeing for the first time the drained whiskey bottle.

"Well, that's sorted," said George Weasley, "back to Malfoy Manor!"

"No, we've got an issue to resolve," said Harry as the dancing underpants flew out of the room, kicking a few people to get through the door. (Something to ponder: How did the underpants kick these people? Underpants don't have legs, do they?)

"I didn't know we had an issue to resolve," said Ginny, looking rather clueless.

"Why do we need Amos Dry to settle it?" Draco asked Harry testingly. "Our problem is that Harry Potter can't cut loose from his world-saving for the good of all man-kind, so he has to ruin everyone's fun."

"I say down with Harry Potter!" Marcus Flint shouted, bearing a set of brand new straight teeth which his father had recently paid seven thousand galleons for.

"Oh, I like your teeth," said Millicent Bulstrode, noticing for the first time just how shiny Marcus' new teeth were. Millicent had, over her final year at Hogwarts, worked hard to lose weight, and had achieved as well as any masculine girl can. But she could still beat up Draco Malfoy if he became too boastful, not that anyone would want to damage his perfectly natural white straight teeth.

"I like yours too," said Marcus, grinning widely.

"Why thank you," said Millicent, grinning at him with very slightly crooked, but sparkling white, teeth.

"You know, I've been trying to make my teeth white for some time now," said Vincent Crabbe, who clung to the arm of Gregory Goyle.

"I found this wonderful spell," said Millicent. "It works perfectly. I'll show you later."

Meanwhile, the two crowds, the followers of Potter and the followers of Lucius, had begun a little riot, running wild, attacking one another, while Sirius, Narcissa, Lucius, Harry, Draco, and Ginny stood aside watching (along with those discussing teeth).

"This is madness," Draco muttered in disgust.

"Let's go someplace else then," said Ginny, taking his hand.

"Where?" Draco asked, an obscure smirk on his face.

"The Misuse of Muggle Artefacts Office," Ginny answered, leading Draco off down the corridor. "No one would disturb us there."

***

Back at Malfoy Manor, only two living human beings remained: Ronald Weasley and Blaise Zabini.

"Well, look at that, we're alone," Blaise said to Ron, pointing out the obvious. "Why don't we go down to the armour gallery?"

And so it was done, Blaise and Ron trudged off to the armour gallery at Malfoy Manor.

"My cousin Tristan's visiting for the summer," Blaise said as they walked down a long, dark corridor. "No one knows where he lives really, but he's coming to England for a visit."

"Is he a psycho like everyone else in your family?" Ron asked, very slightly amused.

"He's actually my Uncle Sigourney's son," Blaise replied.

"Sigourney, Sigourney," Ron muttered, sifting through his thoughts for mention of the name. Blaise had spent a large portion of their final year at Hogwarts informing Harry, Ron, and Ginny of all her family members and their personal (usually stark raving mad) traits. "He was the one who hung a dead Muggle child from a pole in the middle of a Halloween celebration, wasn't he?" Ron said in disgust, remembering at last.

"That's the one," Blaise answered. "He's always in trouble with the Ministry. That one got him in Azkaban for life, can't see why though..."

"Is his son as mad as him?" questioned, hoping never to meet Tristan Zabini.

"Only half way there," Blaise replied, "it's a genetic disorder, they've all got something not right in the brain. Luckily I haven't been hit with the disorder. My parents only do little things, such as naming their daughter a boy's name, but that's not a huge problem."

Finally, the two reached the entrance to the armour gallery, entering the chamber.

Usually, the suits of exquisite armour in the Malfoy Manor armour gallery stood erect, still, until somebody walked by, in which case they would strike with their spiked clubs, but somehow somebody (a Zabini most-likely) had gotten into the armour gallery, charming the armour to do very strange things...