It's Hard to be Perky when You're a Malfoy

Where's my Water Buffalo?

"Lazarova?"

Lione turned. "What?

"You are Lazarova, yes?"

She gave the Durmstrung student a worried look. "No, I'm Lione."

"Lione Lazarova, yes?"

"No, Lione Davies."

"No, see."

He took out a picture. Lione, Gregory, Joseph and I crowded round to look at it. We all gasped.

"It looks just like Lio!"

"Except the eyes."

"And the nose."

"And that chin is a bit savage."

"But it still looks a lot like her."

"Who is it?"

"That is Fayina. She and my ancestor vere in luff till the evil Lazarov stole her avay and my ancestor vas heartbroken. I keep vith me to remind me of the great pain a voman can cause und that you should hold on to her no matter vat."

"Oh," Lione breathed.

"So," continued the student. "You vill come vith me to the Yule Ball, yes?"

Lione's eyes widened and she snorted laughter. Her hand flew to her mouth to stop herself. "I am so sorry," she said, rather muffled. "I just didn't see the conversation going that way." She lowered her hands. "I'm sorry, no. I already have a date."

"Oh vell," he replied, with a shrug. "It vas vorth a try."

Lione smiled. "It certainly vas." She laughed as he walked away.

"You've already got a date to the Yule ball," said Gregory sounding put out. "Who is it?"

"Oh, Robin asked me this morning," she replied mildly.

"Oh."

"Why?" she asked, turning on him with a smirk. "Haven't you got a date yet?"

"No..."

"I'd have thought you would have one by now. After all, this is the only part of the tri-wizard tournament third years younger than 14 can take part in."

"I haven't got a date," I pointed out.

"Yes but you haven't been ranting about how you miss out by three months for... three months."

"Good point." Joseph and I joined Lione in her smirk.

"So you wanted to be champion but asking out a girl is a far harder challenge?" Lione suggested.

"I could get a date," Gregory protested.

"Prove it," retorted Lione, and with a flick of her hair, walked away.

Joseph and I raised our eyebrows at each other.

"I could get a date," Gregory muttered to himself.

I sighed.

"Then do as she told you," Joseph put in. "Prove it."

Gregory nodded to himself. "Gotta get a date."

"I say ask as quickly and often as possible - it's your only bet," Jo

Which I thought was a bit cruel but it must have worked, or fate must have intervened (I don't actually believe in fate but that's such a good sentence (Don't you think?) I had to put it in) because the next day Gregory walked in to the common room with a dreamy look in his eyes and a very large grin on his face. We surrounded him, trying to get out of him what was up.

"French girls are forward," was all that he would say.

Joseph stared. "Are you telling me you asked a Beauxbatons girl to the Yule ball?"

"Sort of," replied Gregory happily, his grin getting wider (something I had thought would be impossible).

"She asked you," cried Lione, looking surprised.

Gregory nodded. We all burst out with cries of shock and asking him how he managed it or, in Joseph's case, how he tricked her into it.

"Okay," he said, relenting. "So I was in the library-"

"I don't believe it!"

"I knew he was making it up."

"How do you know where the library is?"

"I didn't know he knew we even had a library."

"Ha ha." The smile had faded slightly. "I was looking something up."

"A word?"

"At?"

"How to attract French girls?"

"Oh yes," he said blandly. "Please, stop. My sides are breaking. Alas! I think I have broken a rib."

"Sarcasm overload."

"Do you want to hear this or not?"

We shrugged.

"Good. So I was sitting there reading. Ah-" I quickly shut my mouth. "And there were these two Beauxbatons girls chatting in French and I was kind of listening in, you know - 'cause I could, when one of them, Jacquenetta," he added with a happy sigh.

"I take it Jacquenetta is the girl foolish enough to go to the Yule ball with you?"

"Jacquenetta noticed me," Gregory continued defiantly. "And said, in French of course, 'That boy is listening to us' and her friend said 'what does it matter, he can't understand us anyway' and I said, in French of course, 'I can actually'. Jacquenetta's friend didn't look happy but Jacquenetta was delighted. She asked me questions and I answered them and she corrected my French, then we'd talk in English and I'd correct her-"

"I bet you did," Joseph muttered.

Gregory was now talking very quickly like an excited child. "But I didn't need to do that much because her English is so good and she is so funny and so pretty and dances like a dream."

"You danced in the library?"

"No, she told me."

Lione and I exchanged concerned looks.

"And we were just talking forever and at some point her friend must have got bored and wandered off because one minute we just looked up and she was gone. At which point Jacquenetta said she had to go and that we should get together again and improve me French-" Lione's eyebrows flew up. "-then she went to walk away but she turned and asked me to the Yule ball," he finished triumphantly.

There was a shocked silence for a while.

"So" said Joseph. "You've got a date then."

"Yes."

"I'll need one then."

"Me too," I put in.

He turned to me. "Do you want t go together?" he asked with a shrug.

I smiled. "Okay."

Lione clapped her hands together. So that's all sorted then. The Yule ball awaits

***

Christmas was brilliant! Great food, great presents, great snowball fight. Except Lione didn't take part, immediately after lunch she vanished upstairs to get ready for the Yule ball. I felt a bit odd not going with her but apart from dressing in my Dress robes and sorting out my hair I couldn't think of any way to get prepared that would take six hours... After a while I felt that I really should go up there, if only because I was a girl and couldn't help thinking that it was what girls were supposed to do. I found Anya alone in the dormitory, lying on her bed with her head hanging off the side.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

She waved a hair band as an answer. I realised she must be styling her hair magically.

"Oh. Where's everyone else?"

"Laura's in the shower and Lione-"

"That's my name, don't wear it out." Lione entered the dormitory clutching something.

"Where have you been?" Anya asked; sitting up now with all her hair clutched up behind her head.

"You look great," I put in.

Anya smiled at me. "I think I'm really getting the hang of this spell. Do you want me to do yours later?"

"Sure, thanks."

"Anyhoo, Lione, answer?"

"Doing a favour for Joseph. What do you think?" She held a long, green, dangly earring up to her ear. We stared. She laughed. "No, for me, not Joe."

"On you it looks great," said Anya. "But I'd prefer to see it on Joseph."

There was a loud shriek and Lione giggled. Melanie marched into the room.

"You utter rotter!"

"Whatever do you mean?" Lione asked, looking innocent.

Melanie snatched the earrings out of Lione's hands. "You're not getting these now."

"Aow," groaned Lione as Melanie stormed out. "What am I supposed to wear now?"

"I don't care!" she screamed, slamming the door.

Lione sat down on her bed, laughing.

"Multi-colour flashing contacts?" I checked.

"You got it. Where's Laura."

"Stressing out," Anya replied.

"No chance, Laura never ever stres

"She wants to look good for her date. She's been in the shower for about a month."

"Who's she going with?"

"Jack Bower."

"Oooooooh," I said in a sing song voice. "Joseph is going to be mad."

I was ready in time to for the big argument.

"WHAT ARE YOU GOING WITH HIM FOR?" Joseph's voice echoed through the halls of Gryffindor house.

I ran out to the common room.

"Because I like him, dummy," she replied. "Why else would I go with him?"

"He's a Slytherin!"

Melanie flicked her hair idly. "You sound like Gregory."

"He's a sixth year!"

"And?"

"And you're twelve!"

"I'm thirteen!" she yelled, stamping her foot. "With all the things you can remember, why can't you ever remember my birthday?!"

"I got you a present!"

"Oh yeah, a bar of chocolate. How thoughtful. A gift that just screams 'you don't care about me'."

"You are so shallow."

"I am so telling Jack."

She turned on her heel and marched out. I went up to Joseph but he screamed in frustration and I backed away a few steps. He stormed off and Gregory, who was already dressed in his dress robes, edged up to me.

"Does he not know about Laura yet?"

"Nope."

"I think we'd better bring a paper bag to the dance..."

"Hey guys."

Lione stood on the stairs to the girl's Dormitory. Her black hair was curled around her head. She was wearing deep purple robes, silver earrings, and a large grin on her face and looked absolutely fabulous. Gregory's mouth had dropped open.

"What do you think?" she suddenly looked anxious."

"Brilliant," I reassured her.

"How about you?" She looked at Gregory. Their eyes met for a minute.

"Wow." We all looked around. Robin, looking very smart in charcoal robes, was coming down the stairs from the Boys' Dormitory. He held his hands up to Kettle and helped her down the final steps. "Li," he said. "You look amazing."

She blushed. "Thanks."

At which point Joseph came in looking pale. "Laura's going with Jack to the Yule ball," he told us.

Lione smiled at me and rolled her eyes.

After sorting Joseph out, we all headed down to the entrance hall. As we went 'Arry swept past, a tall blond girl on his arm, relating the great adventure of the first task that she was somehow buying even though it involved four dragons, a giant snake and for some reason an ice cream van. I tried to get close enough to find out how it all fitted together but he walked out of reach.

It was in the entrance hall that we got our first glimpse of Jacquenetta. She was tall (although clearly wearing high heels) with dark hair down to her waist (although it looked suspiciously elongated) that kind of overlapped her face making her look a bit like a Goth and was wearing dark blue robes. As soon as she spotted Gregory she immediately giggled and blushed. She walked forward and took both of Gregory's hands.

"Bonjour Jacquenetta," he said in a surprisingly good French accent.

"Grigorey!" she leaned in and kissed him, not on the cheek as I half expected, but full on the lips. For quite a while.

Lione's eyebrows flew up and Joseph's mouth dropped open. When they broke apart Jacquenetta immediately giggled and blushed again before launching into a minor rant.

"Grigorey you would not believe what some 'orrid person 'as done. Zey let off some kind of 'orn at five zis morning and woke us all up." Lione and I avoided each other's eyes. "And ze other day, I do not know 'ow, zey managed to play with our water so it came out all cold! Zer girls in ze showers, zey were almost scalded!"

Gregory said something in French that sounded mildly disapproving despite the fact that he had taken part in both those activities and had in fact suggested colouring their shower water red in order to really freak them out.

As everyone gathered the champions and their partners took their places. Jack and Laura, 'Arry and his blond girl and Phillip with his date. They entered the hall and everyone followed in pairs. Gregory took Jaquenetta's arm and they entered the hall but Lione touched mine and gave me a mischievous look (which, from Lione, is just an ordinary look).

"Come on Luce," she said. "Can't let the Frenchies beat us. With all this competition we've got to up our game. We'll just have to sparkle!"

And with that she let go and spun away with a leap and finally finishing in a ballerinaesque pose on one leg which she was unable to keep up for more than two seconds before falling over and landing, giggling, on her feet again. This attracted a few shocked looks including a very surprised looking one from Colubra who happened to be passing.

Robin moved forward and took her arm and Joseph took mine and we went into the Great hall together. It was beautiful. Decorated with Holly, Ivy, fairies, snow and everything that sparkled. It looked like a cave full of diamonds... and tables and greenery and all that of course.

We sat down for dinner. Joseph and I didn't talk much; it wasn't as if we hadn't chatted before. Sometimes you just run out of things to say, especially when you feel you actually should be talking. So we did what you always do in those situations, listened in to other people's conversations. Gregory and Jacquenetta were having an animate conversation in when we quickly named 'Encho'. Part English, part French and part weirdo with words we were certain they'd made up and lots of hand signals. Lione and Robin seemed to be having a good time.

"So your turn," she was saying. "How did you get your name? Did your parents look out the window and see a robin?"

Robin laughed. "Not quite, but close. You see my dad was driving my mum to the hospital. We live pretty much in the middle of nowhere and were going down this little country lane when the car broke down. So my dad called an ambulance and the AA but the breakdown crew turn up first. I was actually delivered by the AA man. He handed me to my dad and asked him what he was going to name me. My dad looks into the distance and sees this pub 'The Robin Hood and Little John' except that half the sign was covered by a tree. And there was my name clear as day."

"Robin Little," they chorused, laughing.

Then the dancing started. The band in the corner, with a very flamboyant looking lead singer behind a magic microphone, struck up a waltz. The champions led the way then everyone else joined in. Joseph and I danced two dances; the slow one and a fast one then sat down and watched the rest. Gregory and Jacquenetta were enthusiastic but, frankly, rubbish. Although it was quite impressive that they could be so... enthusiastic but still so close without hitting each other. Lione was a brilliant dancer, although she later told me that she had taken dance classes since she was nine as an alternative to throwing, catching or hitting anything which she was useless at. Laura and Jack sailed dreamily through the whole thing. After a short while Gregory edged up to Joseph.

"Hey, Starsy," he hissed. "One of Jacquenetta's friends really wants to dance with you."

"Er..." said Joseph, looking to me for help.

"Lucy won't mind, will you?"

"Not at all," I said.

I saw the panic rise in Joseph's eyes.

"See, come on."

Gregory practically dragged Joseph onto the dance floor towards a very attractive looking Beauxbatons student who giggled and blushed. I was beginning to wonder if all French girls were like that or just the silly ones Gregory met.

Lione and Robin walked over.

"Where's Joe gone to?" she asked.

"French girl," I explained.

Lione muttered something I assumed was offensive under her breath. She turned to Robin and smiled. "Can you get us some drinks?"

He nodded and wandered off. Lione looked around. "I'm going for a breath of fresh air," she decided. "It's so stuffy in here."

And I was alone. Until,

"Would you like to dance?"

I turned, unable to hide the shock on my face, to see Phillip Audrain, the Beauxbatons champion, looking at m expectantly.

"If it helps," he continued, lowering his voice conspiritively. "I'm not actually a cheese eating surrender Monkey." He tapped the side of his nose.

"I didn't," I stammered. "I mean even if I, I mean I wouldn't."

He smiled and offered me his hand. I blushed and took it. And we danced. That's really all I can say about it. I danced with Phillip Audrain and it was wonderful. I'll never forget it.

After the song ended we sat down to chat.

"You've got an advantage over me," he told me. "You know my name but I don't know yours. Although, to be honest, I'm not sure if I want to know it. It's quite fun, dancing with a mysterious stranger in a foreign country."

"I'm Lucy Malfoy," I said.

He tutted. "You've spoilt it all now." His eyes twinkled. "Malfoy, I've heard that name before, where could I have heard it?"

I hesitated, reluctant to tell him about all the nasty things my family name was connected to but was spared that by another Beauxbatons boy coming along and saying something to Phillip in French. Phillip responded in a quick ream of French then turned back to me as if it never happened. He looked confused and I realised I was gaping.

"I'm sorry," I said, "But you speak English really well."

"Well it is my native language."

"Really?"

"Sort of. My mum's French so really French and English are my native languages. I speak both."

"So your dad's English?"

"Not exactly. He's from Jersey."

"Oh the little Holiday island?"

"That's right. That's where we live. And with wizards from the Channel Islands there's always a toss up between going to Hogwarts or Beauxbatons. After all they're British but they're closer to France and used to be French back when both schools started. A couple of my Wizarding friends came here, and I've got a few Islander mates at Beauxbatons. My dad was really disappointed I didn't get into Hogwarts. This is where he went."

"So..." I said. "Beauxbatons is actually in France?"

He grinned. "Not telling you. I can say that French people go there. And Channel Islanders. And that no one there thinks Jersey is in America."

"It isn't..."

"I know! People don't call New York, York, do they?"

"No."

"Exactly! I'm scaring you now, aren't I?"

"Just a little."

He smiled. "Sorry."

I laughed. "No problem. I usually talk a lot so it's better than me scaring you."

"You could have fooled me."

"So have you worked out what the whole spork thing is about yet?"

"We have to use them in the next task, plus any magical enhancements we give them."

"What for?"

"Not a clue."

Robin walked over, holding two drinks. "Have you seen Li?"

"She's outside," I said.

He wandered off. I turned back to Robin

"Are all the girls in France silly?" I asked.

He looked taken aback by the sudden change of subject. "What do you mean?"

"Do they all giggle and blush all the time?"

"Oh! Like Jacquenetta and her gang."

"Those are the ones."

"No. Most have brains."

We laughed. Lione re-entered the hall. She looked around and when she noticed me with Phillip she winked before disappearing into the throng. The crowd was thinning out now as people had wandered off to chat, walk and... do other things. I stretched my neck to see if I could spot Joseph and Gregory dancing. I couldn't.

"Everything all right?" Phillip asked.

"Oh yes," I said. "Perfect."

And the lights went out. There was a muffled scream from the stage and a single light came on. A spot light on Lione standing at the microphone. In the gloom you could just see the rest of the band behind her, grinning at each other.

"And now it's time for silly songs with Lione," Kettle announced, quietly. "The part of the show where Lione comes out to sing a silly song."

By the light of the lamps outside you could see the people who had been in the garden creep back in, drawn by curiosity.

"The Water Buffalo song," Lione announced and the band started playing a soft country western tune.

"Everybody's got a Water Buffalo,

You know yours is fast but mine is slo-o-ow,

Where did you ask, I don't know,

But everybody's got, a Water Buffalo-o-o oh yeah."

If there's one thing Lione and Gregory have in common it's that neither of them can sing. Oh Lione was okay I suppose, once she got past the wobbly first bars but then she did enjoy it so got practice and if she got a song that suited her (i.e. not a ballad. You do not want to hear how she wrecks 'lady in red'. Although that's not hard...) without too many high notes she was good.

"Yeah, that's right," she continued. "We're gonna break it down like we used to. I wanna hear everybody singing, come on. One, two three."

The lights burst out over everybody as Gregory and Joseph jumped forward for the rock chorus.

"Everybody everybody everybody,

Everybody everybody everybody,

Everybody's got a Water Buffalo!"

The music settled down again and Joseph and Gregory sang the next verse in unison. Joseph was red from embarrassment that he was singing in front of everybody (despite being the best of the pair) and Gregory... well... er... Gregory.

"I took my buffalo to the store,

I got his head stuck in the door-or-or

Spilled some lima beans on the floor

But everybody's got, a Water Buffalo-o-o oh yeah."

"Look there's one," said Joseph.

"Nope," said Gregory. "That's a Dog."

Lione joined in again for the chorus.

"Everybody everybody everybody,

Everybody everybody everybody,

Everybody's got a Water Buffalo!"

I smiled at Robin who was looking shell shocked. "Excuse me," I said before marching forward. "Whoa, you guys, you guys, hold on. I don't think we should say everybody's got a Water Buffalo when everybody hasn't got a Water Buffalo. We haven't even got a Water Buffalo!"

"Yeah well-" Gregory started.

"I bet we're going to get nasty owls saying 'Where's my Water Buffalo?'" I cut across him. "Why don't I have a Water Buffalo?' Are you guys ready to deal with that? I don't think so. Let's not do this song anymore."

I marched out the hall then listened to the door where I knew Kettle, Asher and Starsy were hanging their heads and Starsy was starting to sing again very quietly while the other two joined in one by one.

"Everybody everybody everybody,

Everybody everybody everybody,

Everybody's got a Water Buffalo!

Everybody everybody everybody."

"Hey," I called. "Are you guys still singing in there?"

"Everybody everybody everybody,

Everybody's got a Water Buffalo!"

Lione screamed the last line then ran off stage, opened the door, grabbed my hand and dragged me on stage so I could sing the last but by myself.

"Everybody's got a Water Buffalo!

Everybody, everybody, everybody's got a Water Buff- buff-"

I burst out laughing. Lione patted me on the back and everyone cheered us. We took a bow and the lead singer, his underwear over his head, ran onto the stage, yelled,

"Never before! And never again!"

And ran off again.

"Er..." said Gregory, into the microphone. "I think he's gone. So... I guess... I declare this microphone open."

Melanie jumped on to the stage, barged us all out of the way and seized the microphone. She launched into a real toe tapping tune. Gregory and Lione jumped off the stage started swing dancing including a move where Lione flew, spinning into the air (although I noticed her using a spell for that one). People were coming back into the hall and onto the dance floor again, including a few underage students who snuck in. Even the teachers joined in, all except Snape who sat at the teachers table looking miserable and Mrs Weasley who watched, clapping but seemed unwilling to embarrass her son by dancing. After Melanie finished everyone else joined in. A couple of Hufflepuffs led everyone in the Macarena, a group of Slytherin girls sang 'Never ever' and they were so good everyone happily cheered them on, despite their house and to round it up a seventh year led her year in a chorus of 'We are the champions'. Gregory tried to counter it with 'Another one bites the dust' but was booed off the stage. Everyone went to bed still buzzing with excitement. I said goodnight to Phillip and he said he had a brilliant time which gave me a warm glow. However when we went out into the entrance hall Gregory was obviously not having quite as good an evening.

"I thought you were better zan zat!"

"But Jacquenetta!"

"We were 'aving such a nice time and you abandon me on ze dance floor."

"But I had to-"

"To sing a silly song about Water Buffalos!"

"But it was funny-"

"Zat did not even make sense! I know no one who 'as a Water Buffalo!"

"That was rather the point-"

"I did not think you were so silly!"

"How could you not-"

"I do not want to see you again!"

"But you're at my school."

"So just leave me alone!"

"Jacquenetta!" Gregory made one final appeal.

Jacquenetta shrieked something in French then stormed off. Beside me Phillip winced.

"Ooh, language."