It's Hard to be Perky when You're a Malfoy

Snape's revenge

We were relaxing in the Gryffindor Common room one afternoon. Lione was lazing in a chair with her legs hooked over the arm. She had a book in her lap and was idly making notes. Joseph and I were playing Wizarding chess. Playing Joseph at chess is an experience to remember. He doesn't play it like normal people. Because he has a brilliant memory he remembers all the moves you've ever made every time you've played him, all the moves he's made ever and their results and every play anyone has made and who was successful and how. Then he goes through his connecting thing right in front of you. He can't beat a great player and his memory tactic takes out any lesser players but for everyone in between it's the look on his face that throws you. You're so busy watching him in sheer astonishment that you make a mistake. You know you've made it because it throws his entire prediction and he frowns and looks utterly confused. His lips start moving as he recalculates everything. He usually wins. He was winning that day when Gregory came flouncing downstairs.

"I can't find my transfiguration book," he declared. "I think I left it in Hogsmeade."

"We went to Hogsmeade a month ago," said Joseph. "How come you're just noticing it missing now?"

"I'm not. I've been borrowing-"

"Stealing," Lione corrected.

"-Stealing Lione's for a month."

"What changed?" I asked.

"I caught him at it," Lione replied, flicking over a page.

"But how have you been surviving for a month without it?"

"I nicked Joseph's."

"I knew it!" Joseph cried, slamming his fist on the table scattering his chess pieces which cried out in protest and quickly returned to their positions. One of my pawns tried to take a few extra steps forward in the chaos but Joseph noticed him. "I'm watching you," he warned, waving a finger threateningly. The pawn cowered and went back to where it was.

"Why did you take it to Hogsmeade in the first place?" I asked.

"Remember?" said Gregory. "You dared me that I couldn't turn a pigeon into a pineapple."

"Which you couldn't," Lione put in.

"Yeah but that's not the point. The point is that I had to get my Transfiguration book to look up the spell to prove that I-"

"-Couldn't."

"Yeah but- I- you- I need my Transfiguration book!"

Lione swung her feet down and sat up straight. "Then we'll have to go get it."

An amazed grin slowly crawled over Gregory's face. "You mean... we're going to sneak into Hogsmeade? Without permission?"

"Well we'd hardly have to sneak if we did have permission."

"But you said we couldn't do that!"

Not strictly true. When we first got our hands on the marauders map Lione, Joseph and I all agreed that even though it provided us with the means to sneak into the village we wouldn't go there until third year when we got parental permission. This was partly so we would have something to look forward to, sort of pacing out the surprises and fun times the map would bring and partly because Joseph pointed out that if we'd been there the official way before and were caught sneaking in there we might keep the tunnel secret. Gregory did not approve. He seemed to feel that we shouldn't stay a minute longer in school than we had to and if we could leave we should. I think the three of us might have broken and gone to Hogsmeade anyway if we didn't have the thought of annoying Asher in the back of our minds.

Gregory and I got our cloaks and stuffed them in the bottom of our bags then we left the common room looking severely like we were up to something - for us this was the equivalent of someone else looking casual. When no one was around we whipped out the marauders map and decided on which route to take. We picked the tunnel behind the humped witch and arrived in Hogwarts with a minimum amount of fuss. We took off our cloaks and peered through the window of the Three Broomsticks.

"Where do you think it is?" Gregory whispered.

"I don't know," Joseph whispered. "Where did you leave it?"

"Don't you remember?"

"Don't you?"

"It's your book."

"It's your memory."

"I'm not a video recorder."

"I'm not to blame."

"You're always to blame."

"Guys," said Lione plainly. "If you're going have an argument why not have a full on one, rather than just in whispers."

Joseph and Gregory looked at each other embarrassed and both coughed as if getting a grip on themselves.

"Right," said Gregory affirmatively. "I'll put on my cloak and sneak in to have a shufti-"

"What's a shufti?"

Gregory rounded on me. "Do you have to be so questioning?!"

I frowned. "It was one question. That's hardly being questioning, one question. Do you think I was being questioning?"

"No," said Lione.

"See. How could I be questioning after just asking one question?"

"Fine, fine, just don't ask anymore."

"Well that's not fair. You can't just cut me off from questions all together when I haven't had my fill. Even if I was being questioning you'd have no right to do that and definitely don't since I wasn't... being questioning. I'd say three questions are fair and not at all questioning."

"If she's having three I want three," Lione put in.

"I'd prefer four," Joseph volunteered

"I want my book!" Gregory pressed.

"I can seat you in the back if you like."

We turned and Gregory's mouth dropped open. Standing at the door to the pub was a very pretty barmaid with long blond hair and a very low neckline to her very short dress.

"There are no teachers in this afternoon but just in case we have a few tables round the back out of sight from the door reserved for students that sneak in. I'll seat you by the Georgian window."

"The what?"

"Oh it was years ago. A bit of a legend really. A couple of lads, twins actually called Fred and George Weasley, had snuck into Hogsmeade one weekend when a bunch of teachers came in, saying they want the tables round the back. Exits are blocked. George decides to dive out the window and Fred follows making a clean get away. That's why we call it the Georgian window. They both did it but George did it first. Plus Georgian sounds better than Fredian."

Gregory was glowing with family pride. "That sounds perfect."

We sat down and the barmaid brought us four butterbeers. I tugged on her sleeve.

"Excuse me, but have you seen a book around here? A Transfiguration book?"

"When did you lose it?" she asked.

I looked offended. "I didn't lose it." I pointed to Gregory. "He did. He left it here after the last Hogsmeade weekend."

"But everything that's left here after Hogsmeade weekends we send straight back up to the castle. You should have got it back by now."

Gregory groaned.

"Maybe it fell in a crack or something," Lione suggested.

She sighed. "Okay, I'll go look for it. Where were you sitting?"

"Over there," said Gregory. "Oh the left. But... um... it might be nearer that... um... wall... on the right. Over there."

"How did it get over there?"

Gregory went red. I giggled.

"He threw it against the wall when he couldn't turn a pigeon into a pineapple."

She looked confused. "I really shouldn't have taken that day off."

We relaxed and drank our butterbeers and were all having a good time until Lione made the harmless comment that we should hurry up if we wanted to go anywhere else in Hogsmeade and get back to the castle for dinner. Gregory suggested we eat there but Lione said that she had to be somewhere by seven which set Gregory off again.

"Where do you have to be by seven? You haven't told us and we don't have to be anywhere. Why do you need to go anywhere?"

"Give me one good reason why I need to tell you."

Gregory opened his mouth but Joseph blocked him warningly with his arm.

"I think I should remind you that last time we had this conversation you ended up fighting for weeks on end and she was definitely winning."

Lione smirked.

"She wasn't winning," Gregory grumbled. We all raised our eyebrows. "Not by that much anyway..."

***

When we left The Three Broomsticks Gregory was in a mixed mood. He was happy to have his book back, but unhappy that Lione was keeping secrets from him again. We all decided to pop into Weasley Wizarding Wheezes before heading up to the castle. The door played a happy little tune as we entered and Joseph had to dodge the spray of water that shot out at him - hitting Gregory instead making him, if possible, more miserable than before.

"Ah hello!" the shop assistant said to the air just above and to the right of our heads. "And how can I help you?"

"You can take off the monkey mask for a start," Gregory snapped.

The shop assistant raised his wand and tapped his head. The mask seemed to shrink across his face until it concentrated into a red nose which he took off and laid on the counter.

"I really need to sort out the eyes on that thing," he murmured. "So!" he cried, addressing us directly. "Hogwarts students snuck into Hogsmeade. That must mean you're professionals. My name is Bartholomew-"

"Batty?" I interrupted.

Everyone looked at me, I felt myself blushing.

"What?" he asked.

"Well," I explained. "You look younger than Gregory's dad but older than Frank and in-between them there's only a 'Batty' and an Eleanor."

"Batty was my nickname as a child and as for Eleanor." Batty smiled. "Ah Ellie... so mysterious yet so brutal with the right stink bomb. What was it she used to say? Oh yes. If I had a bomb and a place to drop it from I'd drop it on you. So passionate, so vivacious... I must say I was quite in love with the girl. She never even seemed to notice..." he seemed to remember that we were there. "But that was a long time ago. So! You must be real pranksters if you have seen the prankster board. Come round the back, we've got a special collection for people like you."

We followed him round the counter and into a back room. Lione gasped in delight and Gregory's face lit up again. It was like a miniature version of the prankster room, filled with all sorts of things. Joseph started picking up boxes at random, reading the details and chuckling to himself.

"I can assure you," Batty continued. "That these are all original Weasley creations and none of them can be found in the prankster room. They're here or nowhere... or in any of the six other Weasley Wizarding Wheezes stores in Europe."

"Number seven coming soon - Swiss beware," Gregory added automatically

"See anything you like?" Lione asked Joseph.

"Something that might help me get back at a certain divination professor."

"That sort of thing, yes."

"Then yes, I have found something I like."

***

I wasn't there when they pulled it off. Or rather when Gregory and Joseph pulled it off as they were the only two who took Divination. I suggested that I should pop into the lesson saying that I had had a dream telling me to be there that day but the others didn't like it. However as soon as my Muggle Studies lesson ended I ran up to the north tower to see what the results were. Lione was already leaning against the door cracking up. I asked her what was going on but she shushed me. She put her ear against the door then dodged back from it. Professor Trelawney came running out shrieking at the top of her voice.

"Never before in my class! Never!"

The rest of the class filed out looking variously angry, confused and amused. Gregory and Joseph came last, Gregory chuckling, Joseph holding his breath.

"How did it go?" I asked eagerly.

"Perfect," said Gregory. "Absolutely perfect. Could not have gone better."

"What's up with Starsy then?"

Almost as if by way of explanation what looked like blue electricity flashed all over him. He groaned and let go of the mouthful of air he had been holding.

"Hiccups," Gregory explained.

"I think I swallowed the tablets too-" He held his hand up. We watched him expectantly. We waited. "Hic!" This time green electricity covered him. "-too fast. I hate it when you can feel it coming."

"But it was good."

He smiled. "It was brilliant she never saw it coming."

"You'd have thought she would have."

"You know," said Gregory as we walked down the stairs. "Snape took ten points from me the other day."

"You just want to go to Hogsmeade again, don't you?"

He grinned. "Yep."

"All right then."

"What? Really?"

"Absolutely, let's go."

We ran to the humped witch, said the magic words and the tunnel opened. We were just about to go through when,

"Er-hum." Snape happened. "Sneaking into Hogsmeade? Again?"

Lione looked scared, Gregory looked speechless and Joseph looked thoughtful. It took me a moment for my brain to kick into gear and a look of mild surprise to cover my face.

"Hogsmeade?" I said. "Is that where this tunnel goes. Oh flip, we got the wrong tunnel again."

"Oh no, not again," the others chorused obediently.

"We're trying to get to the Charms corridor," I explained. "We've been looking for a shortcut for months; we're convinced there must be one. But, oh dear. Better luck next time."

"Yeah, maybe next time."

Snape smirked. "And maybe next time you'll fool me. But this time." He raised his wand and shouted a spell. Our mouths dropped open as the ground began to shake and the rocks from the ceiling of the tunnel began to fall. He had collapsed the entrance. He turned back to us. "A week's detention and twenty-five points from Gryffindor each."

Gregory gaped. "You destroyed our tunnel!"

"Oh dear, and I thought it was merely a tunnel to Charms. What a deep pity."

He walked away smirking. We watched him go.

"We need another tunnel," said Joseph.

"We need revenge," Gregory added.

"We need to make him regret ever giving us detention," Lione finished.

They all looked at me. "So, err..." I said. "Shall we go... plot or something?"

They considered it.

"Sound good to me."

"Let's go."

"We need some good plotting food."

***

We sat round the marauders map looking at the various routes.

"What about that one?"

"The entrance is the whomping willow; we'd like to get into Hogsmeade in one piece."

"This one?"

"I'm certain I saw Mr Creevey sneaking around that one once."

"What about the one behind the tapestry on the second floor."

"The one Mad Eye used? They definitely know about that one."

"How about this one?"

"We checked that out as soon as we got the map - it's caved in."

"So Snape doesn't know about it?"

"If he does he knows it's impassable."

"Not for long." We stared at Joseph who looked smug. "Who says Jack is completely useless?"

"You did?"

***

We all stood, wands raised rather uneasily. And shouted all at once,

"Discutere!"

I quickly covered my face with my arms, convinced that the whole tunnel was going to collapse on us. When I looked up all the rocks that had been blocking the tunnel were gone. I couldn't help it; I jumped up and down, giggling with delight.

"We did it! We actually did it!"

"Take that, Jack," Joseph muttered under his breath.

"Boy would I love to do that to Snape," said Gregory with a grin. "But I think I have a better idea."

Snape entered his office and casually flicked the door shut behind him. He paused to sniff a purpley-green gooey looking potion that was bubbling away on his sideboard before flicking his wand and causing a pile of paper to fly onto his desk. He leaned over them and sneered disdainfully at the topmost parchment. He plucked a scruffy looking crow's feather quill from an inkpot and, with a flamboyant shake of his cloak, finally sat down on his chair. At which point the Weasley patented bubbles - no remains, no proof, no detention, guaranteed or your money back (Weasley Wizarding Wheezes is not responsible for any detentions received from paranoid teachers who have no proof but whom you have crossed too many times for that innocent look to work anymore) - filled with water popped, followed by the ones filled with shampoo and finally the ones filled with more water. Snape didn't move. His cruel face stretched into a snarl. How did I know all that? Because we were watching (and laughing, lots of laughing) safe in the Gryffindor Common Room using a crystal ball. Not a real crystal ball of course but a Weasley Wizarding Wheezes (Yes, we went on a mild spending spree) trick crystal ball. Give the miniature crystal to a friend and get them to act out the scene of your choosing. Show the trick, full-sized ball to your teacher and they will see whatever you want them to see thus making them believe they are seeing a clear future. Their reaction? Whatever you want it to be. Paranoia, fear or just a good sense of foreboding. We (as you'd probably guessed) swapped them round and all the Gryffindors were gathered round watching and sniggering, finally cheering when Snape stood up with much cleaner hair.