And now for something completely different: Ron singing

Last time we left our heroes they sang Eric the Half a Bee, the author insulted George Bush, and everything seemed rather hunky dory until Hermione started to multiply. Due to a thoughtless idea by Hermione1, all of them went on a murderous rampage.

HERMIONE1: Ron! You've got to do something! You can do it Ron! Save the world! Be a Hero! Et cetera!

FRED: (Whistles)

RON: Why?

HERMIONE1: Why?! Because some of us enjoy the process of breathing, that's why!

RON: No, I mean why as in 'why?' the philosophical question.

HERMIONE1: I hardly think this is the- you're going to sing Bruces' Philosopher's song, aren't you?

RON: (nods eagerly)

RAVENCLAWS: Yay! Finally! Something mildly intelligent!

FRED + GEORGE: Ha!

RON: Immanuel Kant was a real puissant,

LEGOLAS + WILL: (do the robot)

RON: Who was very rarely stable.

ALL GIRLS IN HALL: (scream and faint)

RON: Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar,

HERMIONE1: Now that's what I call unstable...

HERMIONE5 + 18: (scream and faint)

RON: Who could think you under the table.

PADMA: Legolas?

HERMIONE5 + 18: No, Ron!!

RON: David Hume could out-consume,

ALL: You WHAT?!!

HERMIONE5 + 18: But he sings so well and he's so funny. I'm certain he's the perfect person.

RON: (looking slightly smugger as he plays) Wilhelm Freidrich Hegel,

FRED: I bet I could beat him!

GEORGE: Go on then.

RON: And Wittgenstein was a beery swine

WILHEIM FREIDRICH HEGEL: (sits on table in front of Fred)

FRED: (puts on bib and begins eating him)

RON: Who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.

NEVILLE: What's with all the talk of getting drunk when there's no booze!

SNAPE: Drinking contest!!!

RON: There's nothing Nietzche couldn't teach ya

Several house elves roll out huge barrels of beer. Everybody crowds round and begin to drink heavily. Meanwhile, the extra Hermiones are wandering around the outskirts of the crowd picking people off one by one.

RON: 'Bout the raising of the wrist.

HUFFEPUFFS: (dance)

RON: Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed.

DEATH EATERS: Hey that's our job! Get 'em bo- aaargh!!! (Die)

RON: John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,

HERMIONE: (who, aside from Ron and the murderous extra Hermiones, is the only one not getting drunk at this moment) Er... Dumbledore. Maybe you should do something about my clones. They're getting out of control.

RON: On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.

DUMBLEDORE: (begins strip tease)

FLITWICK: (joins in)

RON: Plato, they say, could stick it away,

MCGONAGALL: Albus Dumbledore! What did I say about getting it out in public? (turns to Eric Idle) Honestly, what did I say? I can't remember...

ERIC IDLE: Oh, who cares? (Snogs her)

RON: Half a crate of whiskey every day.

HERMIONE1: Oh dear... And ew. I feel that's needed.

DRACO: (wincing and waving finger in Hermione1's face) You know, you look familiar...

RON: Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle.

ERNIE MCMILLIAN: Oh woe is me! I am being stabbed in the back! Oh woes! Deepest woes! If only I had taken out that life insurance policy! And handed over that evidence about the assassination of JFK. Oh woes! I am dying! Tell Timmy I won't be back for Chris-aaargh.

DRCAO: (looks at Hermione17) You look familiar too. Are you in something?

RON: Hobbes was fond of his dram,

DRACO: (slurring his words) Where's Harry? I want to give him a good kick in the gonads.

DEAN: (blearily) 've been there. 'M sure 've been there. Must of. Yeah. Ver' dark.

RON: And René Descartes was a drunken fart.

LAVBENDER: (giggles uncontrollably)

RON: 'I drink, therefore I am.'

MARCUS FLINT: (dies)

HERMIONE52: Serves you right for not leaving when you were meant to! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!! I need eggs...

RON: Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed,

LUNA: (gives her eggs)

HERMIONE52: (sneaks away sniggering)

RON: A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed

HERMIONE1: (falls to knees and screams) WON'T SOMEBODY STOP THE TORTURE!!!!

PARVATI: Yeah. Those Hufflepuffs really can't dance...

DENNIS CREEVEY: Bring back the Death Eaters!

DISTANT VOICE OF LUCIUS: Wahey.

PADMA: Where'd that come from?

RON: I don't care; two of the Hermiones love me...

LUCIUS: (from chandalier) Up here.

ALL: (look up) What are you doing up there?

LUCIUS: Hiding from the Hermiones.

RON: Who, might I add, love me.

HERMIONES: (look up) (snarl)

LUCIUS: Er... Ron? Sing something. Please!

RON: (shrugs) Sit on my face and tell me that you love me.