And now for something completely different: Ron singing

Last time we left our heroes nothing much happened throughout the song.

AUTHOR: (bursts in to tears and runs away)

.....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

You know we really can't continue without the Author. I mean I could continue with it but I'm just the narrator guy.

FRIDGE: I blame the reviewers.

MICROWAVE: There have been very few of them recently...

FRIDGE: I know, she complains about it every time she takes out a carrot for the guinea pig.

KETTLE: Oh those guinea pigs! They're so greedy.

Guys guys, can we get back to the point?

BETA: It's your fault. You invited them here.

It is sooooo not my fault!

BETA: You know I didn't get my English literature degree by letting kitchen utensils take over my fics...

Okay. Sheesh... Author! Come back!

AUTHOR: No.

Aha! Tricked you back. Mwahahaha. I'll continue now. The Death Eaters got slightly over enthusiastic on the innuendo and Hermione1 declared that she thought Oliver Cromwell was sexy.

HERMIONE2: (stares at Hermione1) Okay, I don't agree with that...

LAVENDER: Why not?

LOCKHART: (throwing himself in to Hermione2's lap) Because she loves me!!!!!!!

HERMIONE2: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Quick Ron!!! Start the next song!!!!!

RON: Actually I want to see how this-

HERMIONE1: (grabs Ron by the collar and holds him up) (growling) Start it...

RON: Okay, okay. Neville?

NEVILLE: (plays piano)

RON: The most interesting thing about King Charles the First is that he was five feet six inches tall at the start of his reign,

DEAN: Prove it.

LUNA: Here.

CHARLES 1^st: (waves)

RON: But only four foot eight inches tall at the end of it. Because of...

DEAN: What on earth?

LUNA: My plans to clone Legolas went wrong.

ALL: Oliver Cromwell, Lord Protector of England,

CHO: Yikes!

CHARLES 1^st: (hangs head)

RAVENCLAWS: Puritan,

RUFUS: (dances in) Boo yah!

ALL: Born in 1599 and died in 1658,

HARRY: (Stares)

RAVENCLAWS: September,

NEVILLE: Now that's a Grooving Naked Mole Rat.

RON: Was at first,

HARRY: I think the author has lost the plot.

RAVENCLAWS: Only,

CEDRIC: (looks for it)

RON: MP for Huntingdon,

HARRY: I mean, please. Cedric's dead.

PADMA: So's the plot.

RAVENCLAWS: But then,

RANDOM FAN: NO!!!!!!!!!!!! (throws herself over Cedric)

CEDRIC: (looks quite pleased about this)

RON: He led the Ironside Cavalry at Marston Moor, in 1664 and won,

DEATH EATERS: (start doing the conga behind Rufus)

RON: Then he founded the New Model Army,

SNAPE: Bet you my model army could beat yours.

VOLDEMORT: You're on.

RON: And praise be! Beat the Cavaliers at Nazeby.

SNAPE + VOLDEMORT: (press their little model figures at each other. One model (that looks strangely like Bill Oddie) starts jumping on another (that looks like Michael Portillo))

RON: And the King fled up north, like a bat! To the Scots,

HERMIONE2: Look. I hate to be repetitive-

HERMIONE1: Er, hello. You are a repeat.

FLITWICK: But under the terms of John Pym's solemn league and covenant,

LITTLE MODEL OF A TABBY CAT: (is pressed up against model of Sid from Ice Age while Voldemort makes kissy sounds)

MCGONAGALL: Oh I say...

FLITWICK: the Scots handed King Charles the First, over to...

HERMIONE2: As I was saying. I don't want to be repetitive but... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WILL SOMEONE GET LOCKHART OFF ME? PLEASE?!!!

LOCKHART: (makes kissy sounds)

ALL: Oliver Cromwell, Lord Protector of England,

HARRY: (has tooth removed)

RAVENCLAWS: And his warts,

FAIRY: Tsk tsk. You should eat fewer sweets. I'm not always going to be here to deal with your facial issues you know.

HARRY: Oh no, not another one.

ALL: Born in 1599 and died in 1658,

HARRY: I'm against all random characters.

LOCKHART: (seizes Hermione2's arm and kisses it)

RAVENCLAWS: September,

HARRY: I say we round them up and put them in a cage. It's about the purity of human kind! We need to get rid of all these silly, pointless smears on our culture. They take our food! They take our jobs! Everything that is wrong with the world is their fault! (Makes Hitler-esque speech)

RON: But, alas!

RAVENCLAWS: OY VEY!

SNAPE: You're right. Someone should get arrested.

WIL TURNER + MORBO + ERIC IDLE + LEPRACAUN + NICOLAS PARSONS + PSYCHIATRIST + GARY + JACK + RUFUS + RANDOM FAN + FAIRY: (cower)

POLICE OFFICER: (arrests Harry)

RON: Disagreement then broke out,

DISAGREEMENT: (breaks out of jail) Nehehe

RAVENCLAWS: Between,

HARRY: (is dragged away)

ALL: (cheer)

RON: The Presbyterian Parliament and the military who meant,

HERMIONE2: Can we get back to my problem now?

RON: meant to have an independent bent and so,

ALL: (wander around Hermione2 and Lockhart going 'hmm' and the such) Hmm and the such.

RON: The Second Civil War broke out,

SECOND CIVIL WAR: (also breaks out)

DISAGREEMENT: Ah... Cyril. We meet again.

RON: And the Roundhead ranks faced the Cavaliers at Preston, Lancs,

SECOND CIVIL WAR: I thought I'd got rid of you, Errol.

ERROL: (hoots) (Flies off)

RON: And the King lost again, silly thing,

RAVENCLAWS: Stupid git.

CHARLES 1^st: Oi.

LUNA: It's the truth.

FLITWICK: And Cromwell sent Colonel Pride to purge the House of Commons of the Presbyterian Royalists,

CHARLES 1^st: I know. But still (sadly) Oi...

FLITWICK: Leaving behind only the Rump Parliament.

ALL: Just kick him in the groin.

HERMIONE2: (Kicks him in the groin)

RON: Which appointed a High Court at Westminster Hall,

CHARLES 1^st: (Collapses)

ALL: We meant Lockhart...

RON: To indict Charles the First of - tyranny,

HERMIONE2: Oh. (kicks Lockhart in groin)

ALL: Oooh!

RON: Charles was sentenced to death, even though he refused to accept,

LOCKHART: (collapses)

RON: That the court had - jurisdiction,

LUNA: Can I cut you up?

CHARLES 1^st: Why?

ALL: Say goodbye to him head.

LUNA: I want to see what went wrong with my cloning experiment. (Checks Quibbler) I'm certain I inserted the cat hair the right way....

RON: Poor King Charles laid his head on the block,

FLITWICK: January 1649

CHARLES 1^st: Oh all right then.

RON: Down came the axe, and...

Down came the axe

FLITWICK: In the silence that followed the only sound that could be heard was the solitary giggle, from...

CHARLES 1^st'S HEAD: Squelch

ALL: Oliver Cromwell, Lord Protector of England,

COLIN: What's that in the sky?

RAVENCLAWS: OLE!

DRACO: It's the bat symbol!

ALL: Born in 1599 and died in 1658,

DRACO: Oh no! There's trouble! I must leave! (Grows wings and flies off)

RAVENCLAWS: September,

FRED: This song's a bit long, isn't it...

RON: Then he smashed,

GEORGE: I know bu- ooh ooh! This is the best bit...

LEPRECAUN: IRELAND!

GEORGE: Tee hee...

RON: Set up the Commonwealth,

FRED: That is rather good...

RAVENCLAWS: And more!

FRED: But as I was saying.

RON: He crushed the Scots at Worcester,

MCGONAGALL: (winces) Oooh...

RON: And beat the Dutch at sea in 1653 and then,

DENNIS: (runs around wildly) It's the apocalypse!

RON: He dissolved the Rump Parliament,

HERMIONE1: What, no rump jokes?

GEORGE: Tee hee! Hermione said Rump!

HERMIONE1: (groans)

RON: And with Lambert's consent wrote the instrument of Government,

LAVENDER: It's a Condor Ferry!

DRACO: No it's... (Flies back in) (Lands in heroic pose) Er... me?

RON: Under which Oliver was Protector at last,

LUNA: Actually it's my Legolas clone.

RON: THE END!!!

LEGOLAS: (waves)

ALL FEMALES IN HALL: (sigh longingly)

RON: (quickly moving on) A-one, two, a-one two three four