And now for something completely different: Ron singing

Last time we left our heroes Lucius Malfoy shocked and stunned us all-

DRACO: Especially me!

Especially Draco-

AUTHOR: Oi, get lost. You lot aren't supposed to interrupt here.

DRACO: (gets lost)

Oh no, not this again. Oh come on. We used this joke in another chapter. Are you so completely run out of ideas that you need to keep repeating them?

AUTHOR: No I-

Well shut up and leave us to do our job.

ALL: Whoo!!!! Go Narrator!

You lot shut up too.

ALL: (shut up)

Right. Now. Last time we left our heroes Lucius Malfoy shocked and stunned everyone, especially Draco, by singing the Penis song. Lots of people had their names made fun of including Richard and Percy. And McGonagall pointedly reminded Dumbledore of the reason he was thrown in the dock all those years ago. But he did (ding) come (dong) back. Thank you very much

ALL: (applause)

Thank you. Now Arthur Weasley has just appeared in the hall dressed in a rather feminine nightie.

HARRY: Well?

ARTHUR: You know what, I can't explain that. So... um... what are you up to?

CHO: Open mike night.

ARTHUR: Ooh! I know this-

RON: It's not about penises is it?

ARTHUR: No...

RON: Fine, go ahead.

NEVILLE: Will you need any music?

ARTHUR: No, I'll be fine. I like traffic lights.

HARRY: How bizarre

ARTHUR: I like traffic lights.

CHO: Ooh ooh! Can we sing that instead?

ARTHUR: I like traffic lights.

CHO: How bizarre, how bizarre.

ARTHUR: No matter where they've been.

CHO: de-de-de de-de-de de-de-de de-de-de de-de-de de-de

ARTHUR: I like traffic lights.

CHO: Ooh baby.

RAVENCLAWS: Ooh baby!

ARTHUR: I like traffic lights.

CHO: You're making me crazy.

RAVENCLAWS: You're making me crazy!

ARTHUR: I like traffic lights.

CHO: Every time I look-

HARRY: Do you mind? Ron's dad is singing a song.

ARTHUR: I like traffic lights.

CHO: All he's doing is go 'I like traffic lights' over and over.

ARTHUR: I like traffic lights.

CHO: See.

ARTHUR: But only when they're Green.

HARRY: Aha! See.

RON: Oh no, we have to sing now.

ALL: (groan) He likes traffic lights.

LUCIUS: In a very unnatural way if you ask me.

ALL: He likes traffic lights.

HERMIONE1: Look who's talking. You just sang a song about your penis!

ALL: He likes traffic lights.

LUCIUS: So? Penises are natural. (Dreamily) Such a wonderful creation.

ALL: No matter where they've been.

DRACO: Will you shut up Dad! I'm going to need serious therapy.

A long brown couch and a psychiatrist appear from nowhere.

ALL: He likes traffic lights.

DRACO: (lying on couch) I guess it all started when I was eight. My dad took me to Disney land for the first time and bought me this really nice balloon shaped like Dumbo's head.

ALL: He likes traffic lights.

DRACO: Then this wind kicked up and it blew away. I was devastated of course, I burst in to tears. Then my dad told me something that, I think, scared me for life. He said Disney wasn't real

ALL: He likes traffic lights.

DRACO: Disney wasn't real, can you believe that?

ALL: But only when they're green.

PSYCHIATRIST: Yes, and how did this make you feel?

ARTHUR: I like traffic lights.

DRACO: Oh I was mortified of course. But it's all right because it isn't true. He was just lying to me. (Getting hysterical) It isn't true. Disney is real. Disney is REAL!!!! Disney has to be real or all else is LOST!!! (Bursts in to tears)

ARTHUR: I like traffic lights.

HARRY: Have you noticed that no one is actually paying attention to the song this time around?

RON: Yeah, but I don't think dad has.

ARTHUR: I like traffic lights.

LEGOLAS: (pushes Draco off couch and sits down) So this girl comes up to me the other day and says "Hi" and that's when it hits me. I've become a sex symbol.

ARTHUR: That is what I said.

LEGOLAS: No it isn't, that's what I said. How dare you claim that you line stealing hack!

ARTHUR: I like traffic lights.

LEGOLAS: (roars and rushes at Arthur)

ALL: (try and hold back Legolas)

ARTHUR: I like traffic lights.

HEDWIG: (lands on now vacant couch) Sometimes I feel that Harry just uses me. I just don't get the feeling that he loves me like he used to. I'm a woman and a woman has needs, you know?

ARTHUR: I like traffic lights.

DEATH EATER: This is getting boring. Guys, it's poker time!

ARTHUR: Except when they are red.

HARRY: Ooh! Poker. Can I play?

RON: No one can play. It's our turn again.

ALL: (groan) He likes traffic lights.

GEORGE: Honestly of all the songs he could have picked why did he have to pick the most boring one?

ALL: He likes traffic lights.

GEORGE: There are thousands-

RON: No there aren't.

ALL: He likes traffic lights.

GEORGE: All right there are hundreds-

RON: Not really.

ALL: That is what he said.

LEGOLAS: No that's what I said! Me!!! (Roars)

ALL: He likes traffic lights.

DEAN: Then why did you sing 'That is what he said'?

ALL: He likes traffic lights.

LEGOLAS: I didn't.

DEAN: But it said all and you count as all.

ALL: He likes traffic lights.

HARRY: I didn't count as all in the first chapter. I certainly wasn't singing or whistling.

ALL: He likes traffic lights.

DEAN: That's weird. Oi! Author! You've got something wrong here.

AUTHOR: (growls)

HARRY: I don't think we should disturb her; we may have gone a little far with the 'Whoo' at the beginning

ALL: He likes traffic lights.

DEAN: There's nothing wrong with a little whooing.

ALL: But not when they are red.

FRED: Thank goodness our part's over.

ARTHUR: I like traffic lights.

FRED: Even though dad doesn't seem to stop. Ever.

ARTHUR: I like traffic lights.

GEORGE: Excuse me. We were having a conversation over here.

ARTHUR: I like traffic lights.

FRED: Fine. (Thinks 'Jerk')

GEORGE: I heard that!

ARTHUR: Although my name's not Bamber.

FRED: How? I thought it.

GEORGE: It's our mystical Twin bond. Psychic.

ARTHUR: I like traffic lights.

RON: Can we get back to our conversation please? BEFORE the song ends.

GEORGE AND FRED: Fine. Jerk.

ARTHUR: I like traffic lights.

PARVATI: You've got plenty of time left. I'm beginning to feel that this will never end.

ARTHUR: I like traffic lights.

GEORGE: There are tens of songs he could have chosen and he had to pick the dullest one of them all.

ALL: (Get so bored they wander off and do something else)

ARTHUR: I- Oh, God!

ALL: (look up innocently from their meals/Poker games/Spoons lessons/strip teases/snail races/computer games) What?

ARTHUR: If you're not going to pay attention I'm not going to sing it.

ALL: (Throw small parade in celebration)

HARRY: Now wasn't that fun? And that was the day that Ron sang...

RON: What are you saying, Harry?

HARRY: I'm doing a nice conclusiony bit.

RON: We don't need one.

And even if we did I'd be the one to say it, not you small fry.

HARRY: But we all just agreed that this was getting boring! We threw a final parade and everything!

RON: No, we all agreed that my Dad should stop singing because he sucks.

ARTHUR: Hey!

GINNY: It's true.

ARTHUR: I know. But still... Hey!

HARRY: But Voldemort's gone! The Hermione's aren't bickering! What's the point?

RON: But so many people count on us! We can't disappoint them by stopping now.

HARRY: Oh they'll get over it. Please, it's not that good.

AUTHOR: Hey.

HARRY: I'm sorry but it's trailed off a bit. It's not that funny any more...

AUTHOR: (sobs silently)

RON: Now look what you've done, you've upset the author. There'll be tear marks on the paper now.

HARRY: But she's working at the computer...

RON: Then ther'll be speeling fults. Thank you Harryl, you've ruined the fic.

LAVENDER: Yeah Harry!

NEVILLE: You spoilt everything!

DEAN: Get lost!

GARY: Go away!

MORBO: Leave us and our fic alone!

HARRY: Hold on hold on. Who's Gary?

ALL: (shrug)

HARRY: Now this is too weird. This has to stop.

RON: No.

ALL: (chanting) No no no!

Will Harry get his way and end the fic? Will the crowd mob him to death? Will the series come to an end anyway because the main character has been wiped off the face of the planet? Tune in next time (or not) for NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT: RON SINGING!!!!!!!!