And now for something completely different: Ron singing

Last time we left our heroes Dumbledore declared that they must all go to Camelot. Instead they all sang a song about the Knights of the Round Table, destroyed the furniture, kicked a random house elf and Crookshanks and decided that they wouldn't go to Camelot after all because it was silly. Cedric made an appearance, as did Nicolas Parsons. Ron made the mistake of turning it in to an open mike night, Dennis went around collecting autographs and Luna tried to Clone Legolas.

RON: Yes yes yes, we all want to clone Legolas-

HARRY: You do?

RON: Well... yeah.

HARRY: (edges away)

RON: Whatever. What song will we do next?

LUCIUS: I know! (Disappears under staff table)

MCGONAGALL: Ooh, I say.

LUCIUS: (comes out wearing tux) (looks around guiltily) It wasn't me. (Sits down at piano) Good evening ladies and gentleman, here's a little number I tossed off recently in the Caribbean.

DRACO: (goes red) Oh no.

HERMIONE1: What?

DRACO: This is bad.

HERMIONE2: How do you know? He hasn't even started yet.

DRACO: The trip to the Caribbean he was talking about was a family trip. I was there. Oi! Everyone under the age of 15 cover your ears!

LUCIUS: Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis.

HARRY: Yep.

NEVIILE: (snorts)

LUCIUS: Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong.

CRABBE: What about a ding?

GOYLE: I prefer a dang actually.

LUCIUS: It's swell to have a stiffy,

PADMA: (glances at wand absentmindedly)

LUCIUS: It's divine to own a dick.

GEORGE: Is anyone here called Richard?

RICHARD: I am!

FRED AND GEORGE: (snigger)

LUCIUS: From the tiniest little tadger,

HANNAH: Badger?

HARRY: No, tadger.

HANNAH: Oh! (Blushes)

LUCIUS: To the world's biggest prick.

LOCKHART: (nods proudly)

RON: (snorts) Yeah right.

LUCIUS: So three cheers for your willy or John Thomas.

LOCKHART: Hey! Mine's in the record books I'll have you know!

RON: Yeah, for tiniest.

LUCIUS: Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake.

HERMIONE2: How about 'Most disappointing'

HERMIONE1: Good one.

LUCIUS: Your piece-of-pork,

LOCKHART: No it isn't Hermione2, yes it is Hermione1.

LUCIUS: Your wife's best friend,

HERMIONE1: You wish.

LUCIUS: Your Percy or your cock.

FRED: Wait till I tell Percy about this.

LUCIUS: You can wrap it up in ribbons,

HARRY: Er... why?

LUCIUS: You can slip it in your sock.

HOOCH: This is incredibly rude.

DRACO: Don't say I didn't warn you.

LUCIUS: But don't take it out in public or they will stick you in the dock,

MCGONAGALL: See Albus.

DUMBLEDORE: (blushes)

LUCIUS: And you won't come back. Thank you very much.

ENTIRE SCHOOL: (stare)

RON: You know I'm going to take back control over this. It's getting scary...

DRACO: You think it's scary. You're not the one who has his father singing songs about penises

ARTHUR: Hello!

FRED, GEORGE AND GINNY: Oh no.

ARTHUR: Hey son. I just thought I'd pop in to see how you're doing.

HERMIONE1: How did you pop in?

ARTHUR: Why I apparated of course.

HERMIONE2: How did you do that?

ARTHUR: Aren't you a little young to concern yourself with that?

HERMIONE1: No, I mean how did you do it? You can't apparate on Hogwarts grounds.

ARTHUR: Yeah, so?

HERMIONE2: Aren't you bothered that there are two of us.

ARTHUR: Not particularly.

HARRY: Why are you wearing a nightie?

ARTHUR: I was in bed.

HARRY: But it's pink. With lace and a rabbit on the front.

ARTHUR: Well-

HARRY: With bobbles.

ARTHUR: You see I-

HARRY: And ribbons.

ARTHUR: Ah.

HARRY: Well?

ARTHUR: You know what, I can't explain that. So... um... what are you up to?

CHO: Open mike night.

ARTHUR: Ooh! I know this-

RON: It's not about penises is it?

ARTHUR: No...

RON: Fine, go ahead.

NEVILLE: Will you need any music?

ARTHUR: No, I'll be fine. I like traffic lights...