And now for something completely different: Ron singing

Last time we left our heroes, Ron amazed Hermione with his factual knowledge of the universe by singing 'The Galaxy song'. Lockhart appeared, was knocked out twice and had to be reminded of his unconsciousness once. Lucius though, having imploded in the previous chapter, still managed to get some innuendo in. Harry and George started to play chess and Ron, in deciding which song to sing next, turned to look at the suggestions sent in by people who don't really exist living in places that the Author made up.

AUTHOR: Hey! I liked the sound of New Vanilla. Fruity...

HARRY: (stares)

AUTHOR: Oi! We haven't even started the chapter yet! Go away.

HARRY: (shrugs) (goes away)

Can I continue?

AUTHOR: Yes.

Thank you. Since there were many suggestions, Ron turned to Voldemort to see what he thought.

RON: (turns back to Voldemort) So what do you think we should do?

I think we got that bit after what I said.

AUTHOR: (growls) (causes Narrator guy to turn in to a cockroach)

VOLDEMORT: I say you ignore the viewers and sing 'Accountancy shanty'

RON: Sounds good to me. You okay Neville?

NEVILLE: (sulkily) No.

VOLDEMORT: (glares at Neville)

NEVILLE: (whimpering) Okay.

RON: Great!

HERMIONE: Hold on a minute. We need our narrator guy back for the next bit.

AUTHOR: Do you?

HERMIONE: Yes.

AUTHOR: Are you sure?

ALL: Yes!

AUTHOR: Oh all right then. (Mumbles) Picky characters. Next thing you know they'll be wanting a plot line that makes sense. I don't know how J.K.Rowling puts up with these guys. Always nag nag nag.

ARMY: Get on with it!

AUTHOR: Oh great, now characters from the films are coming after me.

HERMIONE: Can we? Please?

AUTHOR: Watch it, Missy. I made you vanish once, I can do it again. There were people cheering on the review thread I'll have you know.

HERMIONE: (whimpers)

The Narrator guy (me)-

AUTHOR: We all know it's you, get on with it.

That's what I was trying to do. Sheesh, I'm going to take this up with my union if you're not careful.

AUTHOR: Okay, okay. Just... go on.

The Author relents to pressure from the character and causes all who have disappeared to reappear. The Narrator guy returns with minimum fuss and Lucius explodes back in to himself with the sound of someone going "It's the Milky bar kid!". He has a strange smudge of green jelly on his right cheek.

LUCIUS: I bet I do!

DEATH EATERS: Wahey!

I don't get paid enough for this job, I honestly don't... But this also means that another Hermione appears in a beaming in effect obviously stolen from Star Trek.

HERMIONE1: Hello.

HERMIONE2: Er... Hello. Aargh! What are the Death Eaters doing here? I thought Ron got rid of them by singing 'Always look on the Bright Side of Life'?

HERMIONE1: He did but I'm afraid you're a few chapters behind. Let me explain...

RON: Can we get on with the song now?

ALL: Yes.

RON: Great!

Everyone except Harry (including staff, Death Eaters and duplicate Hermione) disappears under the table and come out wearing pirate clothing. Neville gets out his keyboard and Roger produces a flute. Ron is no longer holding his guitar.

RON: Everyone ready?

ALL: Yes!

RON: Full speed ahead, Mr Cohen...

HARRY: Er... who's Mr Cohen?

GEORGE: Your move, Harry.

HARRY: (turns back to chess game)

DEATH EATERS: Up, up, up your premium.

HERMIONE2: So Harry fancies Cho? I did not know that.

HERMIONE1: Oh please. It's soooooo obvious.

DEATH EATERS: Up, up, up your premium.

HARRY: Whoever wrote this is very bizarre.

ERIC IDLE: 'Fraid so.

LOCKHART: Scribble away!

HARRY: Oh no, not another one.

DEATH EATERS: Up, up, up your premium.

HARRY: I mean, first we had Legolas.

SNAPE: And balance the books.

LEGOLAS: Hello.

DEATH EATERS: Up, up, up your premium.

HARRY: Who's not even in this book.

LOCKHART: Scribble away!

HARRY: Then there was Morbo.

DEATH EATERS: Up, up, up your premium.

MORBO: Yo.

SNAPE: But manage the books.

HARRY: And I don't even know where he comes from.

DEATH EATERS: Up, up, up.

HARRY: And now Eric Idle?

LEPRECAUN: Ah, but 'tis all in good fun.

HARRY: (stares in shock)

ALL: It's fun to charter an accountant.

LUCIUS: I bet it is!

DEATH EATERS: Wahey!

ALL: And sail the wide accountancy.

FRED: (groans) That's bad.

NEVILLE: What is?

ALL: To find, explore the funds offshore.

FRED: The joke. Get it? Wide accountancy? Wide accountan-cy. Sea. See?

ALL: And skirt the shoals of bankruptcy!

FRED: There it is again! Bankruptcy? Bankrupt-cy. Sea? Don't you get it?

NEVILLE: Er... Maybe...

ALL: It can be manly in insurance.

LUCIUS: (lowers voice) You bet it is.

DEATH EATERS: (flick eye brows suggestively) (Do muscle man poses) Wahey.

ALL: We'll up your premium semi-annually.

NEVILLE: Actually yeah. Yeah I get it! That's funny. Accountancy.

VOLDEMORT: Quiet keyboard boy.

NEVILLE: (whimpers)

ALL: It's all tax deductible.

DUMBLEDORE: If you can ever work out the damn forms...

ALL: We're fairly incorruptible.

VOLDEMORT: Blast! (Storms out)

HARRY: Check.

ALL: We're sailing on the wide accountancy!

GEORGE: Not for long. Mwahaha.

RON: Oh, this is fun, Mr. Cohen!

HARRY: Who is this Mr Cohen? And you can't do that; my horse is still there.

LOCKHART: Scribble away!

GEORGE: It's called a knight, Harry.

DEATH EATERS: Up, up, up your premium.

HARRY: Not this one. This one's called Harry.

SNAPE: And balance the books.

GEORGE: You named a chess piece after yourself?

RON: Fetch me another exotic salute

CEDRIC: (goes to fetch one)

DEATH EATERS: Up, up, up your premium.

HARRY: It's not named after me.

LOCKHART: Scribble away!

GEORGE: Who is it named after then?

DEATH EATERS: Up, up, up your premium.

HARRY: Um... Harry.

SNAPE: But manage the books.

GEORGE: (sternly) Harry who?

DEATH EATERS: Up, up, up your premium.

HARRY: (sulkily) Harry Potter.

LOCKHART: Scribble away!

GEORGE: You strange strange person.

DEATH EATERS: Up, up, up your premium.

HARRY: Don't say that to me! Lockhart's the one going 'scribble away!'.

SNAPE: And manage the books.

HARRY: And Snape's no saner either.

RON: To port! Bring her port to shell out!

HERMIONE1: (braiding Hermione2's hair) I could take a port.

DEATH EATERS: Up, up, up your premium.

HERMIONE2: (putting beads in Hermione1's hair) How about a Margarita?

LOCKHART: Scribble away!

DEATH EATERS: (start to dance)

RON: And the medium guys shell out to port!

MEDIUM GUY: Here's your port, Miss Granger.

DEATH EATERS: Up, up, up your premium.

HERMIONE1: Thank you, Stabbings.

SNAPE: But manage the books.

HERMIONE2: Who hires a butler called Stabbings?

DEATH EATERS: Up, up, up your premium.

LUCIUS: I do.

LOCKHART: Scribble away!

DRACO: Well you would.

RON: Balance the books!

SNAPE: Oi! That's my line!

DEATH EATERS: Up, up, up your premium.

SENNA WELLS: (runs in and steals Lucius' pimp cane) (runs out)

SNAPE: And manage the books.

LUCIUS: Hey! Come back here with my pimp cane!

DEATH EATERS: Up, up, up your premium.

SENNA WELLS: The Author said I could have it...

LOCKHART: Scribble away!

AUTHOR: Don't look at me; I'm staying out of this.

DEATH EATERS: Up, up, up your premium.

LUCIUS: Give it back!

SNAPE: But manage the books.

SENNA WELLS: No, I want it for my collection. (Runs out)

RON: Bring me another small shellfish, Mr. Cohen...

LUCIUS: Grr...

LOCKHART: Sail away!

SNAPE: Well you would have the last word, wouldn't you?

HARRY: Hang on; did anyone revive him at the end of the last chapter?

ALL: (shakes head)

HARRY: Then how can you be conscious?

LOCKHART: Er... Hermione revived me with a kiss.

HERMIONE1: Did not!

HERMIONE2: Eww... you got it on with Lockhart?

HERMIONE1: I didn't! Oh come on, Hermione, do you really think so low of me?

HERMIONE2: Well I don't know, you have been through two more chapters than me. Anything could have happened...

HERMIONE1: But I would never!

LOCKHART: (nods) She did.

HERMIONE1: You know I would never.

LEGOLAS: It's true, she wouldn't.

HERMIONE1: Thank you.

LEGOLAS: Unless it was with me.

HERMIONE1: Hey that's-

HERMIONE2: True.

HERMIONE1: Well he is gorgeous...

RON: Okay, I'm going to sing something else now.

HARRY: Why? Voldemort's gone.

RON: To shut them up.

HARRY: Ah! So what are you going to sing?

RON: Um... I'm not sure. Ooh! How about I like-

DUMBLEDORE: No! You cannot sing that!

HARRY: Why not?

DUMBLEDORE: Because we must go to...

DEAN: (takes out trumpet and blows a fanfare)

DUMBLEDORE: Camelot!

HARRY: Camelot?

MCGONAGALL: Camelot!

BLAISE: It's only a model.

ALL: Shh.