And now for something completely different: Ron singing

Last time we left our heroes they had once again started to sing a Monty Python song in the hope that Voldemort would chose not to kill Harry. Seeing as it was 'I like Chinese' Cho Chang was very flattered and Harry was very embarrassed. The Death Eaters started to mock Harry but Lucius Malfoy got carried away with the innuendoes and angered the Author resulting in him imploding leaving just a scrap of robe, a white mask and his pimp stick behind. Unfortunately, after the song had finished they discovered all had not gone exactly to plan.

HARRY: Er... Ron?

RON: Yeah?

HARRY: They're still here.

RON: Yeah.

HARRY: They were supposed to disappear.

RON: They were.

HARRY: But they haven't.

RON: What do we do?

HARRY: I don't know, try singing another song.

RON: Um... I'm thinking of one.

HARRY: Well think faster!

RON: I'm trying, I'm trying... Ooh! Off the top of my head, how does 'The Galaxy song' sound?

HARRY: I don't know, I'm not the guitar player! Just play it, anything to get Mouldy locks off my back.

VOLDEMORT: Oi! I heard that!

RON: (gets out guitar which has magically turned in to an electric one thought it is not plugged in) Whenever life gets you down, Mrs Brown.

HARRY: Er... Ron. I'm not Mrs Brown, and neither is he.

RON: And things seem hard or tough.

LAVENDER: I believe he's talking to me, thank you very much.

HARRY: Oh.

RON: And people are stupid, obnoxious or daft.

DRACO: (cough Harry cough)

RON: And you feel that you've had quite eno-o-o-o-o-o-ough.

HARRY: Why are you singing about Lavender? (sulkily) You should be singing about me!

LEE: (produces drum set and begins to play)

RON: Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving.

DRACO: Well it's hard to remember with so much evidence to counteract it. (cough Harry cough)

RON: And revolving at nine thousand miles an hour.

HARRY: (whining) Ron, Malfoy's making fun of me.

MALFOY: You did the same with George Bush last chapter!

HARRY: The author made me do it...

AUTHOR: Don't blame me.

RON: It's orbiting at nineteen miles a second, so it's reckoned.

HERMIONE: He's right. How on earth does he know that?

RON: The sun that is the source of all our power.

GOYLE: What about microwaves?

CRABBE: Ding!

RON: Now the sun, and you and me, and all the stars that we can see.

VOLDEMORT: (stares at Crabbe and Goyle in astonishment)

RON: Are moving at a million miles a day.

HERMIONE: (produces book titled 'The Magic School Bus Goes to Space' and starts flicking through it) How did Ron learn so much about the universe in just two chapters?

RON: In the outer spiral arm, at fourteen thousand miles an hour.

LOCKHART: (appears from nowhere and points at Ron accusingly) That's Heresy! Burn him!

RON: Of a galaxy we call the Milky Way.

MALE STUDENTS: (stare at Lockhart with confusion)

FEMALE STUDENTS: (stare at Lockhart and sigh longingly)

LEGOLAS: Oi! Those are my fans!

JUSTIN: (goes to fetch matches)

Comets fly through the hall creating a whooshing noise.

RON: Our galaxy itself contains a hundred million stars.

DEATH EATERS: (click fingers along to tune)

STAFF: (bob along to tune)

RON: It's a hundred thousand light-years side to side.

HERMIONE: (bewildered) When did he find time to learn this stuff?

LOCKHART: Ah, still hot for me. I thought so.

HERMIONE: (raises eyebrows) When you got your mind back it must have been really damaged.

RON: It bulges in the middle sixteen thousand light-years thick.

LOCKHART: It's all right, Herm. I'm no longer your teacher. There's no need to be afraid of anything.

HERMIONE: Get away from me creep!

RON: But out by us it's just three thousand light-years wide.

LOCKHART: (slides up close to Hermione)

HERMIONE: (hides behind Ron)

VOLDEMORT: (sits down to watch) (produces popcorn from no where)

RON: We're thirty thousand light-years from Galactic Central Point. (Pauses slightly to hit Lockhart over the head with his guitar)

LOCKHART: (passes out)

HARRY: Oh I see. You'll protect her by using your guitar as a weapon but you won't protect me. You have to sing pointless songs for me.

RON: We go 'round every two hundred million years;

FRED: Wow, that's a really long time.

MORBO: You're telling me.

RON: And our galaxy itself is one of millions of billions.

AVERY: (to other Death Eaters) Should we dance?

MCNAIR: Sure.

DEATH EATERS: (dance)

RON: In this amazing and expanding universe.

LOCKHART: How can he get away with these lies?

HARRY: Weren't you unconscious?

LOCKHART: Oh yeah. (Slumps on floor)

NEVILLE: (Gets out electric keyboard and plays a solo)

Voldemort presents his hand to Hermione who blushes and takes it. The two waltz round the hall. Fred bows to Angelina and they also begin to waltz. Dumbledore and McGonagall, Madam Hooch and Hagrid, Roger Davies and Katie, Lavender and Seamus, Parvati and Morbo, Padma and Dean and Cho and Legolas join them.

HARRY: How come I don't get a date?

GEORGE: Cheer up. I didn't get one either. They never care about me, do they? As long as Fred gets a date then everyone's fine but no one cares enough about me to let me go out with someone. They never think of me as a separate individual, that's the problem. They think of Fred and I as one person. It's just not fair! (Sobs) Not fair at all! (Bursts in to hysterical fits of tears)

HARRY: Are you going to whine for the whole of this segment between the lyrics?

GEORGE: Well I've got so many years of depression to unfold and there's a large gap for Neville's solo. You know, for the naked lady graphic to be used.

LOCKHART: Naked lady?

GEORGE: Quiet you. (Hits Lockhart over the head again)

LOCKHART: (slumps on floor again)

HARRY: How long have we got left?

GEORGE: (looks at watch) Not long now.

HARRY: (taps finger against table)

GEORGE: Wanna play chess?

HARRY: Okay.

GEORGE: (produces chess board and starts to set it up)

NEVILLE: (finishes solo and puts away keyboard)

DANCERS: (stop dancing)

RON: The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding.

DEAN: The universe and Crabbe have so much in common...

RON: In all of the directions it can whiz.

VOLDEMORT: (sniggers) You're telling me.

GOYLE: (looks hurt) (A single tear falls down his cheek)

RON: As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know.

HERMIONE: Well duh, of course I know. Bet you don't know the actual speed though. It's Twel-

RON: Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is.

HERMIONE: Amazing...

RON: So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure.

GOYLE: (bottom lip begins to wobble)

RON: How amazingly unlikely is your birth.

GOYLE: (looks happy) Yeah! I'm special!

RON: And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space.

AVERY: (looks smug) I have this amazing program on my computer at home. It's this screen saver that searches for aliens out in space! Have I told you about this?

DEATH EATERS: Yes

RON: 'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth!

ALL: Oi!

RON: I'm sorry! That's how the song goes. Blame the author.

AUTHOR: Stop blaming me!

HARRY: What do we do now?

VOLDEMORT: Oh you must know another song! Come on, it's much more entertaining than any squirming Potter could do.

HARRY: Hey! I think...

RON: Um... I know! (Turns to look at camera) Let's look at a few of those suggestions that you've been sending in.

HARRY: Where'd that camera come from?

MORBO: (shrugs)

RON: (produces list) Lisa Harris, from Shrubshire, suggests 'Never be rude to an Arab'. Carl Monk, from Hayshill, says 'Please please please do Eric the Half a Bee song, it's my favourite'. Andy Gardener, from New Vanilla in America, wants 'Sit on my face'. Sophie Willis, from Gabageham near Manchester, says 'Wahey!'

THE GHOSTLY VOICE OF LUCIUS: I bet she does.

DEATH EATERS: Wahey!

RON: Now I'm sorry if we couldn't include all your suggestions but do please keep sending them in to 'I hate Harry and want him to be tortured by endless singing'.

HARRY: Hey!

RON: Hogwarts, Scotland, PO box 1. Or you can email them to 'Monty Python songs@Die Harry Potter die die.

HARRY: Oi!

RON: dot org. We want to hear from you. (turns back to Voldemort) So what do you think we should do?

VOLDEMORT: I say you ignore the viewers and sing 'Accountancy shanty'

RON: Sounds good to me. You okay Neville?

NEVILLE: (sulkily) No.

VOLDEMORT: (glares at Neville)

NEVILLE: (whimpering) Okay.

RON: Great!

Everyone except Harry (including staff and Death Eaters) disappears under the table and come out wearing pirate clothing. Neville gets out his keyboard and Roger produces a flute. Ron is no longer holding his guitar.

RON: Everyone ready?

ALL: Yes!

RON: Full speed ahead Mr Cohen...