And now for something completely different: Ron singing

Last time we left our heroes they had cleverly deceived Voldemort by singing 'Always look on the bright side of life' when he came to kill Harry. Ron revealed that he had been taught to play the guitar by a character that doesn't even exist in this fic and Hermione angered the Author and vanished in a puff of smoke. All seems well at this unusual breakfast until...

VOLDEMORT: (appearing again) Mwahahaha! You thought you could get away easily but I'm back!

DEATH EATERS: (also appearing) (snigger).

HARRY: Oh no!

RON: (tuning Guitar) Don't worry, I know 'I like Chinese' as well. The world today is absolutely crackers.

HERMIONE: (reappearing in a beaming in effect obviously stolen from Star Trek) You can say that again.

RON: With nuclear bombs to blow us all sky-high.

NEVILLE: Nuclear Bombs! (ducks and covers underneath table)

RON: There's fools and idiots sitting on the trigger.

HARRY: No denying that. (Cough Bush cough)

RON: It's depressing.

GINNY: Yep.

RON: And it's senseless.

HARRY: Ooh yeah

RON: And that's why...I like Chinese.

CHO: Well I'm flattered

HARRY: (blushes)

RON: I like Chinese.

HARRY: (mutters) Shuddup, Ron. You're embarrassing me...

VOLDEMORT: (sniggers)

RON: They only come up to your knees.

CHO: Oi!

HARRY: Ron!

RON: Yet they're always friendly, and they're ready to please.

HARRY: (dreamily) I wish...

CHO: Huh?

VOLDEMORT: (sniggers some more)

RON: I like Chinese.

HARRY: Ron, Voldemort is mocking me here.

RON: I like Chinese.

AVERY: I bet he does!

DEATH EATERS: Wahey!

RON: There's nine hundred million of them in the world today.

HERMIONE: (shocked) He's right!

RON: You'd better learn to like them; that's what I say.

DUMBLEDORE: You know, that's what I think about Death Eaters.

HARRY: What? What are you saying here, sir?

RON: I like Chinese.

DUMBLEDORE: Let's just say that if Lucius Malfoy were Chinese I'd be saying the same

DRACO: Really?

RON: I like Chinese.

LUCIUS: Don't worry, son. Dumbledore's a great guy and all but I have no intention of leaving your mother at the moment. In fact we are very much in love. As it happens before I got called out we were experimenting in a new technique involving a great big-

RON: They come from a long way overseas.

LUCIUS: -Pinecone.

RON: But they're cute and they're cuddly, and they're ready to please.

NEVILLE: (Comes out from under table carrying electric keyboard and joins in)

STUDENTS: (bob along to tune)

RON: I like Chinese food.

DOBBY: (grumbling) You would, it's the hardest to cook...

RON: The waiters never are rude.

DOBBY: They wouldn't be, they don't have to cook it.

HERMIONE: Oh shut up, I'm all for House elf freedom but that's just complaining.

RON: Think of the many things they've done to impress.

GOYLE: Okay. (Thinks)

CRABBE: (brow furrows in great concentration)

RON: There's Maoism, Taoism, I Ching, and Chess.

DEATH EATERS: (Gather together and start to tap dance)

RON: So I like Chinese.

HARRY: Those Death Eaters really like to dance, don't they?

HERMIONE: Yeah...

RON: I like Chinese.

HARRY: Kind of scary in a way...

DEATH EATERS: (snarling) Kind of?!

HARRY: (whimpers)

RON: I like their tiny little trees.

HARRY: (tugs at Ron's robe) Ron, they're trying to kill me again.

RON: Their Zen, their ping-pong, their yin, and yang-ese.

DEATH EATERS: Hey! We'd forgotten about that! (Stop tap dancing and start closing in on Harry)

HARRY: Mwurgle!

RON: I like Chinese thought.

DEAN: (produces trumpet and joins in)

HARRY: I appreciate what you're doing here, Ron, trying to save me with song.

RON: The wisdom that Confucius taught.

HARRY: And I'm thankful that you're willing to do something when some people (glares at Dumbledore) seem perfectly happy to see me just die.

RON: If Darwin is anything to shout about.

HARRY: And it's all very nice but these guys are starting to get very active in the killing process of me

VOLDEMORT: (raises wand)

RON: The Chinese will survive us all without any doubt.

HARRY: So will you HELP me?!!!!

DEAN: (puts away trumpet and continues swaying with the rest of the hall)

RON: So, I like Chinese.

VOLDEMORT: Nehehehehehehehe.

LEGOLAS: (Runs in) (Makes Bunny ears behind Voldemort's head) (Runs out)

RON: I like Chinese.

HARRY: (watching Legolas leave) Well that was weird...

EVERY FEMALE IN THE HALL: (Also watching Legolas leave) (sighs longingly)

RON: They only come up to your knees.

AUTHOR: (smacks head for dirty thought) Bad author, bad author.

LUCIUS: You bet you are!

DEATH EATERS: Wahey!

RON: Yet they're wise and they're witty, and they're ready to please.

AUTHOR: (snarls and causes Lucius to implode leaving just a scrap of robe, a white mask and his pimp stick behind)

The music screeches to a halt and everyone looks upwards in fear.

AUTHOR: My apologies, please continue.

Everyone shrugs and Ron (Guitar) and Neville (keyboard) start up again.

RON: All together!

EVERYONE: Wo ai zhongguo ren.

HARRY: What on earth does that mean?

HERMIONE: (gets out Chinese dictionary and starts looking them up)

EVERYONE: Wo ai zhongguo ren.

HARRY: Does anyone singing it actually know what it means?

STAFF: (Shakes head)

EVERYONE: Wo ai zhongguo ren.

CHO: Does anyone even think of bothering to ask me?

STAFF: (Shakes head)

EVERYONE: Ni hao ma; ni hao ma; ni hao ma; zaijien!

CHO: It's 'I like Chinese' three times then 'How are you' three times and finally 'Goodbye'.

HARRY: (sounding disappointed) Are you going somewhere?

EVERYONE: I like Chinese.

SEAMUS: (produces Violin from nowhere and begins to play)

EVERYONE: I like Chinese.

CHO: (longingly) I wish Legolas did...

HARRY: (sadly) Oah...

EVERYONE: Their food is guaranteed to please.

VOLDEMORT: Mmm... noodles...

HARRY: (stares)

EVERYONE: A fourteen, a seven, a nine, and lychees.

HARRY: What's a fourteen?

GEORGE: I don't know but my male intuition says it's either Phoenix prawns in breadcrumbs or a kind of 1960's dance.

EVERYONE: I like Chinese.

HARRY: Ah! So that's what's meant by 'The Order of the Phoenix'!

ALL FANS AWAITING 5^th BOOK (come on, say it with me): Aha!

EVERYONE: I like Chinese.

REPORTER FROM THE SUN: Nope, sorry. You're completely wrong.

ALL FANS AWAITING 5^th BOOK: Nuts

EVERYONE: I like their tiny little trees.

HERMIONE: Hang on; I swear he's already mentioned the trees.

HARRY: So? He's said he likes Chinese a million times already, you didn't complain about that.

EVERYONE: Their Zen, their ping-pong, their yin, and yang-ese.

HERMIONE: Yes! You've definitely said that already! Right after the Death Eaters tried to kill Harry again.

DEATH EATERS: Hey! We forgot about that again!

EVERYONE: I like Chinese.

HARRY: Oh thanks a lot, Hermione.

DEATH EATERS: (close in on Harry)

EVERYONE: I like Chinese.

HARRY: (dives behind Ron) Go on, Ron! Hit them with your guitar!

DEATH EATERS: (snigger)

EVERYONE: They only come up to your knees...

As the music fades ends and Neville and Ron put away their instruments, everyone looks around awkwardly.

HARRY: Er... Ron?

RON: Yeah?

HARRY: They're still here.

RON: Yeah.

HARRY: They were supposed to disappear

RON: They were.

HARRY: But they haven't.

RON: What do we do?

HARRY: I don't know, try singing another song.

RON: Um... I'm thinking of one.

HARRY: Well think faster!

RON: I'm trying, I'm trying... Ooh! Off the top of my head, how does 'The Galaxy song' sound?

HARRY: I don't know, I'm not the guitar player! Just play it, anything to get Mouldy locks off my back.

VOLDEMORT: Oi! I heard that!