And now for something completely different: Ron singing

It is an ordinary breakfast in the main hall when Voldemort suddenly appears, standing on the Gryffindor table. He brandishes his wand at Harry.

VOLDEMORT: Brandishes?

AUTHOR: I like the word brandish.

DUMBLEDORE: Hey, who're you? Where's the usual person?

AUTHOR: (rolls eyes) This isn't the books, it's a fic. And it's not a 'chat with the author' kind of fic so stop talking to me.

VOLDEMORT: (brandishes his wand at Harry) Aha! Harry! I finally have you! I will kill you now.

All the people in the hall scream and run for the exits, only to find them blocked by Death Eaters.

HARRY: (quivers under Voldemort's murderous glare)

HERMIONE: (staring in shock) Hang on a mo'! How did you just apparate? No one can apparate on Hogwarts grounds. That's impossible.

HARRY: (pleading) Oh no! Please don't kill me!

RON: Cheer up, Harry. You know what they say. (Suddenly produces Guitar and begins to play) Some things in life are bad; they can really make you mad.

HARRY: Ron, that's all well and good but that doesn't help me right now

RON: Other things just make you swear and curse.

HARRY: Since when can you play the guitar?

RON: When you're chewing on life's gristle, don't grumble give a whistle!

HERMIEONE: (flicking furiously through copy of 'Hogwarts, a History') I swear this is impossible.

RON: And this'll help things turn out for the best. Aaaaaaaand... always look on the bright side of life (whistles) Always look on the light side of life.

HARRY: Professor Dumbledore! Aren't you going to help me?

DUMBLEDORE: (whistles)

RON: If life seems jolly rotten, there's something you've forgotten.

HARRY: Could that be to die? Come on! Why're you singing when Voldemort's here?!

RON: And that's to laugh, and smile, and dance, and sing.

HARRY: Yeah, right, can somebody help!!!

RON: When you're feeling in the dumps, don't be silly chumps.

HARRY: (grabbing Fred Weasley) Stop him and help me!

RON: Just purse your lips and whistle, that's the thing.

HARRY: Then again, just stop him. That'll help me.

RON: Aaaaaaand...

GRYFFINDORS: (joining in) Always look on the bright side of life (whistle).

RON: Come on!

HARRY: Everyone's against me!

GRYFFINDORS: (swaying) Always look on the light side of life (whistle).

PAVATI: I never liked him anyway.

HARRY: Oh thanks.

RON: For life is quite absurd, and death's the final word.

HARRY: You think I don't know that?!

RON: You must always face the curtain with a bow.

HARRY: What curtain? (Grabbing Ron and shaking him) what are you going on about?!

RON: Forget about your sin give the audience a grin.

HARRY: (begins to sob) Oh why won't you shut up?

RON: Enjoy it-

VOLDEMORT: -It's your last chance anyhow.

RON: Sooooooo...

DEATH EATERS: Always look on the bright side of death (whistle).

HARRY: This isn't happening, this isn't happening.

HERMIONE: I know. How on earth did they get in here?

DEATH EATERS: (maliciously) Just before you draw your terminal breath (whistle).

HARRY: Mwurgle.

RON: Life's a piece of shit, when you look at it.

HARRY: (slowly edges away. Falls off chair and darts backwards across floor.)

RON: Life's a laugh, and death's the joke, it's true.

VOLDEMORT+DEATH EATERS: (close in on Harry)

RON: You'll see it's all a show, keep 'em laughing as you go.

ENTIRE HALL: (points at Harry) Just remember that the last laugh is on you.

HARRY: What?

RON: Aaaaaaaand...

EVERYONE: Always look on the bright side of life (whistle).

DEATH EATERS: (Gather together and start doing a dance very similar to the Can can)

EVERYONE: Always look on the bright side of life (whistle).

RON: Cheer up Harry.

HARRY: How can I? I'm surrounded by mad people

EVERYONE: Always look on the bright side of life (whistle).

RON: Worst things happen at sea you know.

HERMIONE: (glancing up from book) Are those Death Eaters dancing?

EVERYONE: Always look on the bright side of life (whistle).

RON: I mean, what have you got to lose?

HARRY: My life?

RON: You know. You come from nothing; you're going back to nothing, what have you lost?

HARRY: My life?!!

RON: Nothing!

EVERYONE: Always look on the bright side of life (whistle).

DUMBLEDORE: (nods) Nothing will come from nothing, you know what they say.

HARRY: No I don't know what they say! Please sir, why won't you help me? You never help me! You %$#@^!!

RON: Cheer up, you old bugger. Come on, give us a grin.

HARRY: (smiles weakly)

EVERYONE: Always look on the bright side of life (whistle).

RON: There you are. See. It's the end of the film.

HARRY: Film? FILM!!!! You're filming this!! (Runs around banging on the walls) come on, where are the cameras. (Grabs random pupil) Tell me where you've hidden the cameras!

RON: Incidentally this record's available in the foyer.

HARRY: I don't care, Ron. (Sobs) I don't care. Please stop filming.

EVERYONE: Always look on the bright side of life (whistle).

STAFF: (Get up on table, put their arms round each other and start to sway)

RON: Some of us have got to live as well you know.

HARRY: What about me? Voldemort is going to kill me here and you're just singing there. I've got to live as well.

RON: Who do you think pays for this rubbish?

VOLDEMORT: (Joins staff in swaying. Puts one arm round Snape and another round Dumbledore)

EVERYONE: Always look on the bright side of life (whistle).

HARRY: Where did you even get hold of a guitar?

RON: They'll never make their money back, you know.

HARRY: You're not even listening to me. Why aren't you listening to me?

RON: I told him, I said to him, Bernie.

HARRY: Who on earth is Bernie?!!!!

RON: I said, they'll never make their money back.

EVERYONE: Always look on the bright side of life.

HARRY: (cries)

Harry looks up to see everyone in their proper places, no Death Eaters to be seen and everyone staring at him. The only evidence of the Musical moment is that Ron is still holding his guitar. Harry stands up and brushes himself off. He sits back at the Gryffindor table.

HARRY: (casually) Hey, what was that about?

RON: Don't you like Monty Python?

HARRY: Sure, I love Monty Python but I didn't particularly see it as completely appropriate just then.

RON: It worked, didn't it?

HARRY: I suppose... Where did you get that guitar from, anyway? And since when can you play?

RON: Lione taught me.

HARRY: Who?

HERMIONE: A character from another fic the author has written. She plays the guitar.

HARRY: That still doesn't make sense.

HERMIONE: (rolling eyes) Tell me about it. I think I'm going to have words with this author. (Glares upwards) Fancy letting Death Eaters apparate in school grounds. Urgh.

In a fit of rage the author causes Hermione to disappear in a puff of smoke.

RON: (shakes his head) She should know better than to insult the author. Especially when she's suffering from PMT

VOLDEMORT: (appearing again) Mwahahaha! You though you could get away easily but I'm back!

DEATH EATERS: (also appearing) (snigger).

HARRY: Oh no!

RON: (tuning Guitar) Don't worry, I know 'I like Chinese' as well. The world today is absolutely crackers-