Dudley's Dilemma

CHAPTER 5

The Potter family, arm-in-arm, clambered up the large marble steps towards the entrance to the fashion store. As they walked, they passed rich and haughty-looking Muggles with sharp, square faces and straight haircuts. They were all busily chatting about nonsense things on their cell phones, and all the women were holding high-priced, fashionable purses. The men looked exasperated at having been dragged out for a day of clothes shopping with their wives, but the woman were grasping handfuls and sheer, cream-coloured with the words ALFANI written in black on them.

Harry glanced around nervously and wondered how expensive this store was going to be. After all, he didn't know about high-profile locations having grown up in the Dursley household. As they reached the top of the stairs, Luna went to grab the silvery handle of the thin glass door when....

"I know, I can't believe that my cell number was found and put all over the place!" said a girly, slightly unintelligent voice. As the voice was heard, the glass door swung open from the inside and out stepped a tall, extremely thin blonde woman dressed completely in pink. She had deeply tanned skin, giving her an almost orange skin tone, and white-blonde hair that was up in a perfectly straight ponytail. She wore a long, crimped pink skirt, sharp high-heeled pink sandals, and a pink tee shirt that read YOU WERE NEVER MY BOYFRIEND in white letters across her bosom.

"Well, tell me Bernie!" cried the woman as she pushed the Potters aside. "What are we going to do about it? I don't want freaks calling me day and night!"

She was talking into an extremely tiny cell phone that was decorated completely with pink crystals in various hues and tones. Her vivid pink purse was slung over her bony shoulder, which carried an amazingly ugly dog wearing a knitted pink sweater and crystal necklace inside it. It barked in a high pitch at the Potters as the frantic woman started walking down the stairs. A large, burly Black man followed closely behind her, carrying ten or fifteen ALFANI bags on his muscular arms.

As they reached the street, a group of Muggles swooped down on the woman, gasping and holding out notebooks and pens for her. She smiled sweetly and waved them off, as the black man growled menacingly at them. They caught sight of him and backed off as the woman slid into a long white limousine. The Black man followed suit, and the limousine took off down the cobblestone street, away from the store, the Potters, and the disappointed group on the sidewalk.

"Dad," pondered Isabella aloud, turning slowly to meet her father's gaze. "Who in heaven was that?"

Harry didn't answer right away. After a moment, he turned to Isabella and said, "I'm not quite sure, Isabella. My guess is that it was probably some type of Muggle celebrity."

Harry's family's eyes widened slightly and they looked curiously at the retreating limousine. Luna smiled widely and said, "Honey! A Muggle celebrity?! This store must be a very fashionable store for a celebrity to shop at!"

"Exactly," said Harry, jerking his head at the stone stairs. "Which is why we're not going to go here. Can you imagine how expensive everything is going to be in there?"

"Oh, Dad!" whined Gordon, grabbing his father's arm and tugging at it violently. "Come on! You're the famous Harry Potter! It's not like we're tight with money!"

Luna chuckled squeakily and put her hand up to her mouth. Isabella joined in with her brother's pleading and, after a couple of minutes in which the children whines grew louder and louder and Luna's laugh did the same, Harry sighed and gave up.

"Alright, alright," he said. "We'll get one outfit each, and only one."

The children and Luna beamed. Isabella made to run into the store when her father grabbed her arm.

"And you must behave," said Harry, talking to his entire family. "This is a very classy and high-priced store, okay?"

They all nodded, and Luna gripped his shoulder as they finally walked through the glass doors.

Isabella gasped wildly and Gordon's mouth dropped open as they entered. They were standing on a highly polished wooden floor in a large and eloquently lit room. Various Muggles were darting about the place, looking at various clothes. The wall opposite had about twenty cream curtains set in it, and Muggles were also entering and exiting these, holding clothes in their arms and being waited upon by workers. A large, carpeted staircase led to the second floor, rising above the dressing spaces. The clothes themselves were arranged in stacks on square holders in the room. Upon these holders were faceless, featureless dummies wearing the clothes the holders held underneath. Along the other walls were white insets that held other clothes on hanging racks.

"Well," began Harry. "Where should we go first?"

As if in answer to his question, a man appeared next him as if by magic. He was an average sized man, wearing a crisp black suit, a lime-green French-cuffed shirt, a maroon tie, and various rings on his hairy fingers. Stubble covered his face, and his long black hair was slicked and tied back in a bobbing ponytail.

"Hello," said the man briskly, holding out an arm for Harry to shake. Harry smiled in amusement as he took the fellow man's hand and shook it vigorously. As he let go, the man continued.

"My name is Paolo Alfani, and welcome to one of my three exclusive shops in England," he said in a rich Italian accent. He spoke as though merely his name commanded ultimate praise from everyone in the vicinity. The Potters did nothing except look at him politely, and he looked abashed for a moment before continuing.

"Is there anything I can help you find?" he asked in a slightly more terse voice.

"Well," said Harry, stepping forward. "We have a - a - dinner engagement tonight, and we need some nice outfits to wear to - to it."

He said all this shakily, as though trying his best to act like he was a very rich Muggle man. Paolo eyed Harry warily, but spoke as though he didn't think anything was wrong.

"Ah, a dinner party," Paolo said, turning sharply on his polished shoe and striding forward towards the clothes. The Potter family followed as a group, and Paolo said, "What kind of dinner engagement is this? Formal? Semi-formal? Casual-semi-formal?"

When no one answered, Paolo turned around again and said, "Do you know what you want?!"

The family gulped and looked blankly at him. Paolo sighed, rolled his eyes, and snapped his fingers loudly. Immediately, three or four Muggles rushed to his side, each holding something different. One was a tall, lanky man with curly blonde locks and black glasses. He wore a purple and white shirt and carried a silver hairdryer. A short Black woman with a small afro stood next to him, holding a compact and a tube of lipstick in her hands. On Paolo's other side stood an average-sized woman with shoulder-length black hair and grey eyes. She too wore black glasses, although hers bore much more resemblance to Harry's round ones, and in her arms were a measuring tape and pen. Next to her was a young woman with long brown hair, large lips, and French manicured nails. She was holding a foot measurer.

"This is my team of stylists for this store," dictated Paolo. He gestured toward the blonde man and said, "This is Timothy, and he specializes in hair care and styling."

Timothy budged past Paolo and towards the Potter family. He stared them down and gasped when he caught sight of Gordon. He ran his long fingers through Gordon's brown hair and shook his head.

"Horrible, horrible!" he sputtered in disgust. "We have much work to do."

He rejoined Paolo and the others and Paolo went on to introduce the Black woman, whose name was Nadia. She reached out an unusually bony hand and shook Luna's pale one. She withdrew and stared warily at Luna's cuticles, an eyebrow raised in a high arc. Next, the black-haired woman introduced herself as Kim. She plucked at Harry's maroon sweater and pursed her small lips. Lastly, the young girl with the large lips introduced herself as Mikalah. She walked noisily over to the family and shook each person's hand. As she reached Isabella, she commented on how much she liked her shoes. Isabella blushed furiously and shrunk behind her mother.

"Since you obviously have much work to do for your dinner tonight, we should get started straight away," commanded Paolo. "When is this dinner?"

"Seven, tonight," answered Harry. He jumped slightly as Paolo's brown eyes bulged and he clutched his upper chest.

"Seven?!" he repeated. "That gives us less time than I expected! Where is the party?"

"Well," began Harry. "It's not exactly a party, if you will - "

But he was interrupted by Paolo, "I don't care what it is, in fact, I don't care where it is! We're wasting time chit-chatting!"

He spoke as though it was Harry's fault he was asking questions. With that, he turned around, and each one person of his team grabbed one of the Potter family members and led them on in Paolo's wake.

Three hours (and a fifteen-hundred pounds) later, the Potter's emerged from ALFANI, each of them completely made-over. Luna's purple hoodie, blouse, and tan slacks had been replaced with fancy white pants and the most unusual shirt any of them had ever laid eyes on. It was half white and half pink, but it fitted her torso and then went out and trailed behind her, like a bride's train (except it started at her waist instead of the top of her head). She also wore light pink, high-heeled shoes, and a couple of gold bracelets on her wrist. A beautiful but simple pink and white crystal necklace hung about her neck as well (they had temporarily rented that for the night). Luna's wavy, dirty-blonde hair had been straightened and put up into an elegant bun.

Gordon, on the other hand, was wearing a deep green French-cuffed shirt that was half-tucked into a pair of crisp new slacks. He wore a black belt with silver ring holes in it, and new black leather shoes, and on his wrist was a silvery watch. His hair had been slightly curled even more, and given highlights.

Isabella was wearing a light, thin, blue, one-piece dress that seemed to change hues with her every twist and turn. A multi-hue blue scarf hung around her neck and draped almost to the floor. She also wore two bracelets on her arm, although these were silver. Her shoes were high-heeled blue sandals, and her black hair had also been straightened like her mother's, and had a blue hair band in it.

Lastly was Harry himself. He had been stripped of his maroon sweater, blue shirt, and slacks and was now wearing a thin black suit, new black shoes, a green button shirt, and purple tie. Timothy had tried in vain to pacify and gain control over Harry's flyaway black hair, but accomplished nothing in his task. He got as far as making it look as though Harry's hair was a choice, at least.

"Come on," said Harry hurriedly to his family. "It's five o'clock already, and it takes an hour to get to Dudley's home from here."

"Ooh, a car!" said Isabella, her hair bouncing as she talked. "I've never ridden in one of those!"

"Well, now's your chance," said Luna as she reached into her pocket and extracted her crescent-moon earrings, which Kim had removed with a scowl. She put them back on and started walking down the stone steps, her family following.

"Harry, dear, how are we getting to your cousin's? I thought you said we were going by car," asked Luna as they neared the Leaky Cauldron again. Harry hadn't hailed any of the passing taxis, and they obviously did not have a car of their own.

"The Knight Bus, of course," answered Harry. "It's a lot faster, as you know." Luna nodded in realization and didn't say anything more until they passed the Leaky Cauldron and went into a side alley that no passing Muggle cared to notice.

"So the Muggles don't see us, sweetie," said Luna as Gordon looked up at her questioningly. They were standing next to an overflowing, moldy garbage bin, and the light hanging above their heads was broken.

Harry took one last look towards either side of the alley and then flung out his right arm forcefully. With a deafening BANG! a bright light filled the alleyway completely and a humongous purple triple-decker rolled creakily to a stop in front of the Potters.

"Dad, what is this?!" asked Luna in awe. She stepped back slightly as a young man in a purple uniform hopped down from the steps of the bus and said, 'Welcome to the Knight Bus, the best mode of emergency transportation for any stranded witch or wizard. I'll be your conductor this fine evening, and you all can call me Landon Ketteridge."

Stan looked up and surveyed the classy, Muggle-looking family. He choked and stumbled back, looking worriedly towards the front of the bus.

"Stan!" he called, looking back at the Potters and then back towards the front. "Stan! We've got trouble! It's Muggles that are out here, Stan!"

A blurry Stan could be seen through the windows running in the bus, and as he reached the back, he caught sight of Harry and his face broke into a smile.

"These aren't no Muggles, Landon!" he cried, waving his arms wildly above his unshaven face. "It's Harry Potter!"

Landon's eyes widened and he beamed as well. "Harry Potter?! I never dreamed I would meet you! So sorry about the mix up, Sir, it's just...you're in Muggle clothes for some reason so I though - "

"It's all right, there isn't any need to apologize," said Harry, waving aside Landon's comments. "My family and I are dressed as Muggles because we are visiting my Muggle relatives for a fancy dinner tonight."

Stan nodded but Landon said, "Your Muggle relatives?! I thought they were horrible to you! From what I've heard, you had to live there for eleven years, and then go back every summer until you vanquished - " he glanced around nervously and then whispered, "You-Know-Who."

Harry smiled timidly and looked aside. He wished people would start saying Voldemort's name, because it had been nearly fifteen years since he had completely vanquished him. There was nothing to fear anymore, after all.

"Well, it's a complicated situation," said Harry pushing past Landon and shaking hands with the enthusiastic Stan Shunpike. When Harry had last seen Stan, it had been seven years ago. He had still been conductor then, but it seemed like he had been promoted to driver. Or maybe the ancient Ernie had died....

Harry, Luna, Gordon, and Isabella found seats at one of the round tables on the second floor, followed closely by Landon, who was talking about all he had ever heard of Harry. He reminded Harry forcibly of Colin Creevey, an obsessive peer of Harry's when Harry had been at Hogwarts. He too followed Harry around a lot, and absolutely looked up to him in every way possible. Although he sometimes had found Colin extremely annoying, he had been hurt terribly when Lucius Malfoy had killed him when Voldemort had tried to seize Hogwarts in Harry's sixth year.

"And I remember when you were in that Triwizard Tournament, and it turned out that one of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Name's Death Eaters was disguised as the professor who tried to kill you," said Landon breathlessly. "How do you always manage to get out of situations like that?"

Harry swallowed and shrugged as the bus rocketed forward, out of the alleyway and through the city of London as fast as you could say "Slow down!" They all heard a retching sound behind them and saw a rather green looking old witch vomiting spectacularly into a paper bag at one of the tables in the back. She gripped candelabra on the wall as the bus wobbled furiously, and her wrinkled face contorted again. She retched again and Landon, looking disappointed at having to leave Harry, sighed and ran over to the woman.

"Madam Marsh, how about I get you a Calming Draught?" Landon asked the shriveled old woman as she heaved over and over. "We've got some stored downstairs."

Madam Marsh nodded insanely, which made her feel even sicker. Landon went downstairs and returned quickly with a round potion bottle filled with an amber liquid and a silver spoon. He shoved them into Madam Marsh's hands and turned back to go to Harry, but the bus suddenly stopped and he slammed against the window instead.

"I'm new," he explained as he peeled his face from the steamy window. "I'm still learning how to keep my balance when the bus stops."

Harry couldn't help but laugh at this, as he had also been slammed against windows on this bus before.

Landon left again, this time going to the top level. He returned and clambered down to the first floor, carrying two large and heavy-looking trunks. A tall and regal-looking wizard in a flowing scarlet robe with a long, braided beard followed him, reading a thin book entitled The New Theory of Magical Entropy. They both disappeared down to the first level and, after a couple more minutes, the bus started up again. Landon thankfully did not reappear to talk with Harry until Madam Marsh got off the bus.

"Your stop is next," Landon explained. "We'll be there in five minutes."

Harry nodded and Gordon said, "Good, I'm starving!"

His stomach growled loudly as he said this, and they all chuckled. Landon opened his mouth to say something but Luna, seeing this, spoke to Harry first.

"Harry, are you alright? You look pale," she said in a worried tone. She grabbed his hand and rubbed it as he answered her.

"Well, I'm going back to the Muggle world for the first real time in fifteen years, I'm going to see my cousin for the first time in fifteen years, and his daughter is a witch. He hates magic and all who are involved with it, and he also has a family," Harry answered in a shaky voice. "But, yes, I'm alright."

Luna smiled a beautiful smile and kissed Harry passionately. Isabella and Gordon smirked and squirmed in disgust as their parents displayed their love. As Luna pulled away from the kiss, the bus came to an abrupt halt.

Harry looked nervously outside the window, eyeing his cousin's home for the first time.

"We're here," said Landon, gesturing for Harry and his family to get off the bus. Harry didn't move, but simply looked out the window. Dudley's house was average in size, with white siding and a crisp, square lawn. It had two floors with black windowpanes and five windows on the front. Everything seemed so perfect, from the brass number 9 next to the front door to the green minivan parked in the cement drive.

Luna tugged at her husband's arm, which brought him back to reality. He shook his head and followed Luna, Gordon, and Isabella down the stairs, past Ernie, and out of the bus. Landon saw them all off the bus and continued waving at Harry alone until the bus zoomed out of sight.

Gulping, Harry turned around and stared warily at the house. Suddenly, the light on the wall next to the front door flickered into life.

"Well," said Harry in a shaky voice. "This is it. Let's go."

With that, the Potter family each grabbed a hand, looked at each other once more, and strode forward.