Harry Potter and the Adventures of Randomland

"Trust me, Ron, you don't want to know," Harry replied. "It may make you upset."

"I dunno," said Ron. "It could be important!"

"You now get that?" Ginny stated. "I've been trying to tell you that for months!"

"Well, go on, spill the beans!" said Hermione impatiently.

"I dunno..." said Harry. "I really don't want Ron to try and strangle me..."

Ron sighed, and said, "I'm not going to, Harry, just tell us!"

"I will once you beat me at a game of Quidditch!" Harry replied.

"Oh, damn, that's not going to happen...but he doesn't need to know that!" Malfoy muttered under his breath.

Fred chose that moment to slip an unusually large, very slimy flobberworm down the back of Malfoy's shirt. Malfoy gave a screaming cry. Ginny used the moment to throw a Bat Bogey Hex at the ferret. As it turned out, the Bat-Bogey Hex had a quite unique effect on ferrets. Ginny left the ferret twitching on the ground with a bad case of spattergroit, and turned back to Harry.

"Well, now that Malfoy's out of the way," Ginny said, pausing to look down at the ferret, which was still writhing on the ground. "Let's get down to the pitch so you two can get at it."

Harry and Ron started walking to the pitch, when a voice said, "Not if I can help it!"

Both boys made a quick turn to see what all the fuss was; to see Hermione tapping her foot impatiently.

"What, Hermione? We're trying to get to the Quidditch pitch," Ron stated.

"Why do you need to get there so quickly?" Hermione questioned.

"Well, it's sort of obvious, isn't it?" replied Ron. "It'll just blow up if we're not there quick enough."

George pointed his wand at his younger brother reprimandingly and said, "Come now, Ron, you know there's a simple solution to that."

"How can there be a simple solution!" shouted Ron angrily.

"There is always one of those. You must simply breathe and think," said Hermione.

"Breathe and think? You'd think I'm dying or something."

"Well, the fact that you are rapidly turning blue has led me to that conclusion" she said calmly.

"What the crap is she going on about now?" Ron thought.

He soon found out as he turned the corner and saw a giant Hippogriff nothing like Buckbeak! As soon as it saw him, its nostrils flared and it sniffed the air, rabid hunger in its expression, Ron screamed... ...and fell over his own feet trying to run away from the Beast.

The thing was now towering over him, and he let out a horrified cry, which did nothing but anger the beast even more. It was funny, Draco reflected, that he seemed to have a problem with angry beasts...the Hippogriff, now this... The monkey jumped around from tree to tree, wiggling Draco's Herbology essay just a few inches out of his reach.

Normally Draco would have jinxed the offender without hesitation, but since his phobia of monkeys was even greater than Ron's of spiders, he was rooted to the spot in terror. The monkeys took advantage of his terror, running past him into the school; at which point he suddenly stopped dead. Monkeys? Monkeys? "Yes, monkeys," replied his inner voice. Draco sighed. Monkeys wouldn't help the situation at all.

For the first time in his life he wished the Granger girl was his friend...she would know what to do. The monkeys could type Shakespeare if they wanted, he was sure of it, but they hadn't received the necessary training; only Granger knew how to make them, and he knew it would be impossible to form a miraculously close relationship with her in the week before his deadline for the Completed Works of Shakespeare: a Wizard's Perspective.

He thought long and hard about what to do about the monkeys, and then, when he had almost started believing he was going to fail, it came to him. He would dress up in blue leotards, and team up with that Hippogriff to get at Weasley! Yes! It was perfect! The best evil plot imaginable! He chuckled evilly. "I can choreograph - ahem, I mean Pansy can choreograph - a flashy dance routine set to 'Do the Hippogriff,' replete with somersaults, splits, and sautes. The hippogriff will chase Weasley until he is too exhausted to run any more, and then he will have no choice but to watch my amazing performance."

But where would he get a blue leotard? Practically everything Pansy owned was pink.

"From Draco, of course, who's recently spoken out about his obsession for pink leotards and how he would love to snog Ron Weasley," Pansy thought smirking. "It would be like killing two birds with one stone."

Not that Pansy would ever consider murdering birds with a stone - that wouldn't be any fun at all. She much preferred when she tortured them to the point of them wishing to commit suicide.

Ron and Harry continued to stroll along the path, blissfully unaware of Hermione's emerging sadistic tendencies. They were strolling along quite naturally, when suddenly Ron fell down a large hole; nearby, they heard manic laughter and Ron's voice echoed from below. "Bugger!"