Harry Potter and the Adventures of Randomland

Hermione gave an involuntary cackle - she wasn't sure why, because it was pretty obvious that she loved this boy. Malfoy, however, was not sure if he returned her feelings. Scorpius had been brought up to hate all the Potters, but Lily... Lily was different... For one thing, she was bright green. Which was a little strange to him, honestly, but then he thought, who was he to judge? After all, it had been his idea in the first place. But he'd never expected it to get this much out of hand, however.

Perhaps setting the dragons out was a bad idea, but hadn't seemed that way at the time... but now that the Common Welsh Green was rampaging, he thought better of it. Maybe he should have decided on a Blast-Ended Skrewt, or a Freshwater Plimpy. After all, Hagrid had told him many times that he could borrow the Skrewts whenever he liked. This just hadn't occurred to him at the time. And now that he thought about it, it would make a nice surprise for Ginny, wouldn't it?

As he continued with this plan, however, he realized there were unexpected side effects with it. For starters, his attempts at stealth had so far landed on the front page of the Daily Prophet. Fangirls have been stealing his garbage. For heaven's sake, even another one of those boxes of chocolates (once again palmed off to Ron, once again with disastrous results) had ended up in Harry Potter's mailbox. He had eventually come to the conclusion that the construction of evil plans was not his specialty. And he should either give up or hire a professional. He didn't really want to give up, but he had been having issues with professionals within any trade since he hired that famous dance instructor that insisted on only teaching him tap-dancing, insisting that "tap-dancing is a ballroom dance!"

He, therefore, stole a Time Turner from the Department of Mysteries, and went back to the nineteenth century. He was met with the most disgusting sight he hoped only existed in this century. A very fat, very ugly, and very bosomy red-haired woman was trying to rip his clothes off. Thankfully, it was at that point that he woke up, only to discover that Tom Riddle was sitting in the corner of his room, reading a book entitled "How to Love Muggles - A Newbie's Guide."

Then Tom lifted his eyes, regarded him solemnly and said: "You might want to wake up now, Scorpius - this dream-within-a-dream thing is SO clichéd."

"Ah, but I just got to the good part! The circus wanted me to join them, and my father brought his band of monkeys with him!" Scorpius whined, not quite ready to "wake up". The man suddenly lost his temper and drew out his wand.

"Enough of this nonsense! Now WAKE UP," yelled Riddle, his once handsome face transforming into that of Lord Voldemort.

Harry shot awake, trying to work out why he was having a nightmare about... purple socks. I mean, they weren't even scary! ...Or were they?

Perhaps they were, but Draco Malfoy had other plans, and he was not going to let anything or anyone get in his way. His plan ran as follows: Step One: Seduce Cho Chang, Step Two... command an army of flying monkeys. He was not sure how either was to come about, however. But he was determined to make this happen. It was his one chance to seriously piss Fate off. And so he set off, broomstick in one hand, wand in the other, to face Fate and fight it out to the end.

Even though Neville wasn't too bold, he would be for this woman, he decided. And so Neville took a deep breath, and he was just about to make his move when all the sudden Harry appeared in front of him looking very, very concerned.

"Have you heard the news?" he said anxiously.

"Yes." Neville was trembling. "A whole horde of Dementors are headed towards the school!"

"Don't be ridiculous!" said Hermione. "Those aren't Dementors, they're..."

"My boggart," announced Harry. "Fifty million boggarts saw me, and every one of them turned into a Dementor."

"Well," said Hermione in exasperation, "Why didn't you just cast Riddikulus? Honestly!"

"Uh, because I kept saying riddiKUlus instead of reDIKulus?" Ron ventured sheepishly, cringing in a direction facing away from Hermione, hoping his girlfriend wouldn't slap him.

"Oh Ron, won't you ever learn?" she cried. "Riddikulus is not a charm that requires correct pronunciation!"

"It's NOT? So why didn't it ever work?" Ron's jaw was slack as a... a... uh... a...well...a very slack thing, as he stared at the contraption in astonishment.

It was tall, wide, and made of blue glass. Ron could see that its inside was completely filled with some unknown bubbling substance. Curious, Ron dipped his finger in the liquid and tasted it. It was deliciously cool and sweet. He was just reaching for some more, when... a strange burning sensation in the region of his feet caused him to jump back, swearing loudly.

"Damn you, Ginny," he snarled in pain. Though why he was blaming Ginny Weasley he had no idea - maybe it was to do with... the fact that he totally loved her. And yes, to any normal person that DIDN'T make sense- to be mean to a person you loved...but he wasn't exactly normal. No, no, nobody who REALLY knew him could consider Draco normal at all. Slightly deranged was a much better description.

If he wasn't, then why did Draco feel so strange around the Weasley-with-a-womb? Perhaps he was suffering an allergic reaction? After all, he was itching like a mad man! Ginny made a confused face as Draco suddenly went into an itching seizure on the floor.

Fred and George grinned roguishly; they knew what it was all about! Pranks, of course! Those were the meaning of life, the universe, and everything! But wasn't that 42? Or was 42 something different? Something like.... like... Oh, Harry had absolutely no idea; he was no good at Arithmancy at all!

Whilst Harry was getting all angsty about this, back at Hogwarts Albus Dumbledore was applying for a spot in a lemon drop rehab clinic. The nice young woman from the ministry was trying to explain to him that there was no such thing, but Albus didn't seem to understand.

He'd seen a rainbow-patterned Straight-Horn Snorkack, and had taken photographs to prove it!

"Really, Rolf?" Luna's eyes were shining in a way that could only be imagined if you'd seen some anime expressions.

Voldemort wasted no time in voicing this opinion, for he had watched an awful lot of anime in his time.

"Luna, you have beautiful, impossibly round eyes, how about you join my organization?"

"But.... Luna's my MIDDLE name, mister Voldemort," Lily Potter said, very confused as to how "Mr. Voldemort" wasn't, you know, crushed to bits and stuff. Of course, five minutes later it was revealed that "Mr. Voldemort" was in fact...

"Brother Scorpy? YAAAAY!" Lily cried, throwing her arms impulsively around a protesting "Mr. Voldemort."

"Mr. Voldemort," who was absolutely disgusted by this display of affection towards him, was about to cast a powerful curse on Lily, when, suddenly...