Siofra and Company

Ria looked up. "Miss Author Lady, are you done with the introductions?"

"Yes, Ria," came a slightly annoyed voice from everywhere and nowhere at once. "Go on. You might as well reveal my shaky, couldn't-stand-on-a-pair-of-toothpicks plot."

"With pleasure," Ria said. "Here's the deal. Somehow, someone caused a universal rift."

"Who?" Deirdre asked.

"We don't know," Ria said.

"It's not important to the plot," Katy said. "Go on."

"Before I was so rudely interrupted," Ria said, shooting glares at Deirdre and Katy, "I was explaining that there was a universal rift. This causes everyone who exercises excessive mental powers to be transported to the alternate universe."

"So, anyone who thinks too hard gets transported to the Potterverse?" Siofra asked.

"Pretty much," Katy said. "Although, how Ria got here under those circumstances, I have no idea."

"Hey!" Ria said, looking highly affronted. Siofra smothered a laugh.

"Hello," Brianna suddenly said.

"What?" Siofra asked.

"It's just, the author seemed to leave me out of the last five minutes of the last chapter, and I'm highly annoyed."

Siofra checked her handy dandy laptop, which mysteriously appeared from nowhere just for Siofra's personal use.

"Hey, she did!" Siofra said. The author offers her humble apologies to Brianna, who would accept them, except the only person who can hear the author is Siofra. That's just the author's luck.

"So, does this universal rift thing work both ways?" Siofra asked.

"How in Merlin's name am I supposed to know?" Ria said. "I'm not friggin' omnipotent or anything."

"The author is," Siofra pointed out.

"Well, we can't contact the author, now can we?" Kiara said snarkily.

Okay, Siofra. No, it doesn't work both ways. Siofra would like to offer up her thanks, before asking how in Merlin's name they will manage to get out of the Potterverse. The author would like to say that's for me to know and you to find out.

"No, it doesn't work both ways," Siofra said. "Which leaves us with a dilemma. How are we going to get ourselves out?"

This was a very good question, and might have been answered except for a slight interruption. Someone fell from the sky on top of Con.

"Oh, now this is getting ridiculous," Siofra muttered. The author would like to laugh delightedly, for anything that annoys Siofra is wonderful. Siofra would like to say that the sheer vast numbers of OC's are stunning already, without adding a new one to the mix. The author would like to say that it's supposed to be randomly confusing.

"Ow," came a voice from the pile of Con and some other guy.

"Drew, is that you?" Kiara asked, a slight smile on her face.

"Damn right it's me," said Drew, picking himself up off the ground.

"Stop cussing, Drew," Siofra said. "This fic is rated PG."

"BEEEEEEEEEEEP," Drew said. This was rather peculiar, as his lips were forming strings of curse words, but the only sound that came out was a beep. Siofra would high-five the author, but cannot reach said authors hands from her position in the Potterverse.

"BEEEEEEEEEEP," Drew said again. "Hey, this is fun!"

"Oh, Merlin," Siofra sighed. "Drew, shut up before I duct tape your mouth shut."

Drew obligingly shut up. Siofra would like to point out that this is completely out of character, as Drew would have cursed even more just to annoy Siofra. The author would like to sigh wearily and say that even she cannot put up with the boy.

"Gives a whole new meaning to the term 'raining men,' doesn't it?" Ria said.

"Boys, rather," Brianna said dryly.

"I refuse to believe that Drew has the capabilities to think hard," Kiara said loudly, in hopes the author would hear her and delete this section of the fic. The author is currently involved in studiously ignoring Kiara.

"Hey, I resent that," Drew said.

"Callente antes que te callo!" Siofra cried. "Yo es muy furioso, y tengo que hablar en espanol!"

"I hate it when you speak Spanish," Kiara sighed.

"I hate it when you speak at all," Siofra retorted.

Suddenly, a girl fell from the sky, and landed right on top of Siofra.

"Why the sky?" Siofra groaned. The author again laughs delightedly.

"Sam?" Siofra said, raising her eyebrows. Sam clambered off the ground, shaking dirt from her clothing.

"Ugh," Sam said. "This sucks. Where are we, anyway?"

"The Potterverse," Siofra said succinctly.

"Cool!" said the girl. "Where's Oliver?!"

"Stay away from Oliver, you harlot!" Kiara said heatedly. "Sean Biggerstaff belongs to me!"

By reflex, Siofra prepared to hit Ben for a perverted Sean Biggerstaff comment, before she realized that Ben wasn't there.

"Not if I get him first," Sam said.

"Too late, he's madly in love with me," Kiara said.

"Dang it!" Sam said.

"Aye, I'm not in love with anyone, am I?" came a voice, a voice that sounded strangely like Sean Biggerstaff.

"I think I've seen you guys before, but I canna place you," said the voice, complete with hot Scottish accent. Siofra, Kiara, Brianna, Alaina, and Sam's eyes glazed over.

"Oliver," Sam breathed.

"Sean," Kiara corrected in a dreamy tone.

"How can you tell?" Siofra asked, her curiosity winning over her teenage hormones. A rare circumstance, but it happened just the same.

"Look," Kiara said, pointing at the person from whom the voice had issued. Siofra turned to look, and was met with the sight of Oliver Wood, Quidditch captain extraordinaire, decked out in full muggle regalia, right down to his baggy pants and doodled-on sneakers.

"How?" Siofra said, her teenage hormones reducing her to monosyllabic speech.

"I was just thinking about my next movie role, and suddenly, wham, I'm here," Sean said. "Where is this place, anyway?"

"Um, the Potterverse," Siofra said weakly. Siofra would like to inform the author that this is getting a tad out of hand, but thanks for Sean anyway. The author promises no more people, at least not until the next time. And Siofra is very welcome.

"Well, we better head up to the castle," Brianna said. Deirdre looked excited about seeing Hogwarts, and was quick to agree.

"What BEEEEP castle?" Drew said.

"The castle," Siofra said. "Keep your big fat mouth shut and you just might make it through this night with all your limbs intact."

"That sounds like a threat," Drew said. "You think you can beat me up?"

"I did it when I was twelve, I can do it again," Siofra said confidently.

"I highly doubt that," Drew said. Secretly, Siofra doubted it too. But she would never admit that.

"I made you cry," she reminded him.

"I still say that never happened," Drew said.

"Say it all you want, as long as you shut up and follow us," Siofra said. Without another word, she turned and walked up to the castle. The rest of them followed, and they made quite a sight.

Siofra leading, with Kiara at her side, clutching Sean's arm and throwing death glares at Sam, who was on the other side of him. Sean was looking highly confused, but that did nothing to diminish his dead-sexiness.

Behind them, Brianna and Deirdre walked on each side of Con and Neil. Ria and Katy were walking with Seren, Alaina, and Drew. The author has no idea how Con, Neil, Seren and Alaina all got out of the castle and down to Hogsmeade without assistance, but it made quite an impressive display.

Halfway there, another person fell from the sky, landing on top of Deirdre.

"I don't believe this!" Siofra said. "It's too much!"

"Ow," said Deirdre, as the newest addition to the Potterverse helped her off the ground.

"Sorry about that," Alan said.

"No problem, Alan," Deirdre said with a smile.

"No, I refuse to buy this!" Siofra cried. "Author! I need to have a word with you!"

"Yes?"

"This is completely insane!"

"The universal rift is getting wider," the voice said. "It makes sense that more people would come through."

"But only people we know?" Siofra said disbelievingly. "That's too much of a coincidence."

"Technically, you don't know Sean Biggerstaff."

Again, Siofra's smacking instinct caused her to almost smack Sean Biggerstaff himself. Then she reminded herself that Ben wasn't here.

"That's beside the point," Siofra said. "This is idiotic. The quarterback of the football team just dropped from the sky on top of my sister!"

"Shut up and get on with it," the voice snapped. "I have no time to fix plot holes!"

Siofra muttered an unprintable word. The author seriously considered having a big long BEEEP, but decided that may only increase Siofra's bad mood. Instead, she cured Siofra's bad mood, by dropping another person on top of her. You may ask how this helped, but wait until the person is revealed.

"I don't believe it," Siofra said, looking up at the boy in wonder.

"Hi, I'm Dan," said the boy, smiling as he helped her up. "I have no idea why I just dropped from the sky, but hey, there has to be a good story behind it."

"Yeah, we're kind of in the Potterverse," Siofra said. She was getting a bit tired of repeating this.

"That would explain it," said Dan, extending a hand to help Siofra off the ground. "Sorry about landing on you, by the way."

"No problem," Siofra said. "No problem at all."

The author would like to take this time to cackle like an evil mastermind. Put Siofra on the same darn continent as Daniel Radcliffe, and she's bound to be in a good mood. The author would like to evilly remind Siofra of her little romance with Draco. Siofra would like to say, Draco who? Katy can have him.

Katy, who has briefly been given the privilege of communicating with the author, would like to skip around in a little circle and squee. Siofra would like to inform Katy that everyone is staring at her.

Katy abruptly stopped skipping, glaring at the assembled people. "What's your problem?"

"Nothing," most of them hastily mumbled. All but Siofra, Ria, and (Siofra was pleased to note) Dan.

"Stop terrorizing the masses, Katy," Ria said.

Ria would like to inform the author that she feels slighted. The author kindly bestows the power to seduce the evil Slytherin of her choice. Ria says that the only good one is Draco, and he's Katy's. The author would like to say that Blaise Zabini is still available, due to the fact that Kiara is busy with Sean. Ria would like to express her surprise that Blaise is a guy in this fic. The author would like to nod smugly and say, yup. Ria would like to say that she feels much better now.

"Okay, so here's the rundown," Siofra said. "All you in the back, can you hear me?"

The group (who the author may have to start calling a crowd in a minute, if more people show up) nodded.

"Good," Siofra continued. "For all who don't know, we're in the Potterverse. That's Harry Potter, Lord Voldemort, Oliver Wood,"-here her voice got slightly misty- "the lot of them."

A loud groan came from the general vicinity of Drew. "Not Harry Potter!"

"What do you have against Harry Potter?" Dan asked, in a deceptively calm voice.

"Don't say anything, Drew," Siofra advised. The author would like to say that this was low. Siofra knows very well that Drew will do the exact opposite of whatever she asks. Siofra would like to have her turn at cackling like an evil mastermind.

"Harry Potter sucks," Drew said.

"Do you know who I am, pansy boy?" Dan said threateningly.

"Um, no," Drew said.

"I'm Daniel Radcliffe!"

"Okay, and that's supposed to affect me how?" Drew said.

"He plays Harry Potter in the movies," Kiara said exasperatedly.

"Why didn't you say that about ten seconds ago!" Drew said, eyeing Dan with new apprehension.

"Boys," Siofra said, throwing a glare at Drew, and bestowing an indulgent smile on Dan. "We don't have time for this. We are in the Potterverse, and we have to get out. Soon. Before the author drops more unsuspecting people on us."

On cue, another person dropped from the sky, but this time he missed hitting someone. Miraculously, he didn't break all his bones on impact with the hard ground, but leapt up unharmed.

"What's going on here?!" the boy asked.

"Merlin!" Siofra cried. "Why must you do this to me, author?!"

A distinct evil cackle could be heard from everywhere and nowhere at once.

"Not the boy from the pool!" Siofra cried. "Not the boy from the pool!"

Kiara looked at the boy and gasped. "It is the boy from the pool!"

"Hey," said the boy, looking at Siofra in astonishment. "You're the girl that was singing Super-cali-fragil-istic-expi-ali-docious when you were in line for the water slide behind me."

Kiara and Siofra burst into laughter.

"And then you followed me around all day," the boy continued, effectively deflating the girls' laughter.

"It was all her," Siofra said, pointing at Kiara.

"You're the one who said he was cute!" Kiara exclaimed.

"Well, you're the one who made me follow him around!" Siofra cried.

"You're the one who said he had a smile worthy of Sean Biggerstaff!" Kiara retorted. Sean looked distinctly uncomfortable. So was the boy from the pool.

"Well, you're the one who insisted on following him down the lazy river!" Siofra yelled.

"No, that was you!" Kiara corrected.

"Oh yeah, that was me!" Siofra said brightly. "Super-cali-fragil-istic-expi-ali-docious."

A great gusty sigh could be heard from everywhere and nowhere at once. The boy from the pool disappeared. He causes too much trouble.

"Thanks, author lady." This came, not from Siofra or Kiara, but from a very grateful looking Sean. Until Ben dropped on his head.

Siofra groaned. "Not Ben, author, anyone but Ben!"

"Hey," Ben said brightly, staring intently at Sean. "Aren't you Sean Biggerstaff?"

"Yes," Sean said.

Ben burst into peals of laughter. "Sean Biggerstaff...."-another peal of laughter- "...Do you really have one?"

Sean looked slightly confused. Then comprehension dawned, and he had the grace to blush. Siofra had the grace to slap Ben upside the head.

"Ben, you disi," Siofra said. "Make one more comment and I'll rip out your lungs and feed them to the dementors."

"Dementors don't eat lungs," Ria pointed out. "They feed off your emotions."

"Dang it!" Siofra cried. "They'll eat lungs if I say they will!"

"Fine," Ben said. Then he grabbed a stick from off the ground, and positioned it...well, you know where.

"No perverted gestures, either," Siofra said sternly.

"Fine," Ben said, throwing the stick back down on the ground.

By this time, Sean was approximately the color of Oliver Wood's Quidditch robes.

"Sorry about that," Siofra said apologetically. "Ben's a bit of an idiot."

"No problem," Sean said with a smile. Kiara and Sam swooned against each other, rapturous expressions on their faces.

"And stop smiling, please," Siofra said. "You're incapacitating our allies."

Sean raised his eyebrows in that way, you know, the cute way he does. Siofra repeated her mantra in her head. I must not succumb to dead-sexiness, must not succumb to dead-sexiness...

"What exactly are we going to do to get out of here?" Alan piped up. Ah, we haven't heard a word from him since he landed on Deirdre. How refreshing.

Siofra smiled at him. "I have absolutely no clue. My theory is that we just run with the plotlessness until the author decides to have mercy on us."

No mercy here, Siofra.

Harry Potter showed up at that moment, having been sent out all alone to check on the strange noises, to make sure it wasn't Voldemort or anything. Like we said before, Voldemort drugged Dumbledore. The Headmaster is now officially incapacitated.

"What's going on here?" Harry said, marching down the road (Ah, bet you forgot they were on the road to Hogwarts by now!) with wand outstretched.

The author chose that moment to drop a special someone directly on top of Daniel Radcliffe himself.

"Good Merlin," Harry breathed. "Imposters!"

Siofra and Deirdre burst out laughing. As Dan and the other boy disentangled themselves from each other, the others got what was so funny.

The most recent skydiver bore a startling resemblance to Dan. Who in turn bore a startling resemblance to Harry. The effect was that there seemed to be three identical people in the middle of the road.

"Rob?" Deirdre choked between spasms of laughter.

"Deirdre?" Rob said, catching sight of her through the throng of people.

Deirdre couldn't answer, because she had relapsed into laughter.

"This is getting completely out of hand, author," Siofra called to the sky. "Completely out of hand, you hear me?!"

The author did not answer, as she too was collapsed into giggles.

"You have to admit, Siofra, it is rather funny," Kiara said.

Siofra glanced to where the three boys were still staring at each other apprehensively. Unbidden, a smile rose on her face. Within seconds, she too was laughing for all she was worth.

"It's not that funny," Rob insisted.

"Yes, it is," Deirdre contradicted. "Harry, listen, I'm sorry for all the craziness. These fanfic authors get seriously out of hand."

"Wait!" Siofra said. "This sounds like an ending!"

"Yeah," Deirdre said. "I'm wrapping it up. Gotta be at work tomorrow."

"You can't just end my fic!" Siofra cried.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" Deirdre retorted.

"At least, can I say bye to Draco?" Siofra said tearfully.

"I thought you were done with Draco," Katy commented.

"One can never be done with Draco," Siofra said wisely.

"This is very true," Draco said, emerging from the shadows, where he had presumably been lurking the entire time. Or the author could have apparated him there. Either way, the point was that he was now there.

"Draco!" Siofra cried, running into his arms. Or she would have, but Con grabbed the back of her robes (which she hadn't ever take off) and stopped her.

"There will be no kissing of my sister," Con said stubbornly.

Siofra undid the buttons of her robes and ran out of Con's reach. One would presume that Con would have noticed this and grabbed a better hold of say, her arm, but he was having an off day.

"Hey, I thought I was the love interest," Dan pouted.

"What about me?" Sean said.

"No," Siofra said. "You were Kiara's love interest."

"Oh," Sean said.

"If I'm not the love interest, what am I here for?" Alan the quarterback said. The author has just realized an important bit of information. Alan isn't the quarterback, he's the receiver. Or is he the running back? We do not know. He's something, anyway.

"Comic relief?" Siofra suggested. "Oh, and the author was running out of hot guys to drop on people's heads."

"Duh, because I'm the love interest," Rob said.

"Not you either, buddy," Siofra said. "No offense or anything, but you have a girlfriend."

"Oh yeah!" Rob said.

"So who exactly gets snogged, here?" Draco asked exasperatedly.

"I honestly don't know," Siofra said.

Right on cue, as so many things in this fic are, another guy dropped to the ground in front of Siofra. She giggled, as did Kiara.

"The other guy from the pool," Siofra said.

"The nice one," Kiara added.

"The one that waved at us," Siofra continued.

"You get to snog him?" Kiara pouted. "I wanted to snog him."

"Go ahead," Siofra said, making a grand sweeping gesture in the general direction of the guy from the pool. The guy from the pool, in case you were wondering, does not have a name.

Kiara snogged him. Siofra pouted. They all disappeared. Except for Harry and Draco, who were left alone on a deserted strip of road. You could practically feel the Guns and Handcuffs shippers circling overhead.

The good thing about this universal rift was that it didn't leave a bunch of people at Siofra's house. Dan and Sean went back to England, much to Siofra's chagrin. Con, Neil, Katy, Ria, Deirdre, Anwen, Drew, Sam, Alan, Rob, and the random pool guy went to their respective homes.

So it was just the five girls who had originally started this little crazy adventure, all crowded around Siofra's computer. Ben had gone to bed, because we don't want him there.

A few minutes later, the five of them heard an unidentifiable noise.

On the other side of the universal rift, Harry and Draco heard the same noise.

CLA-CHING, CLA-CHING.

A stapler dropped onto Siofra's desk.

"Sorry about that," the author said. "Had to borrow your stapler to fix the universal rift."

"You stapled it?" Siofra asked.

"I would have used a hot glue gun, but it would have taken too long to heat up," the author said.

"Oh," Siofra said.

"Bye, girls!" the author said. "May your swords stay sharp!"

"And yours," Siofra murmured.

END FIC

SIOFRA: Dang it!

KIARA: What?

SIOFRA: You snogged the pool guy.

KIARA: So?

SIOFRA: And, once again, I snogged nobody! I never get a snog!

KIARA: I can't help it. Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful.

SIOFRA: At least I'm not the one that snogged Drew.

KIARA: I will regret that until my dying day.

SIOFRA: I didn't get to snog Malfoy. Dang it!

KIARA: Good. Now he can move on to Hermione without serious emotional issues.

SIOFRA: Don't start that again....