Mad Things Girls Do

Chapter Three

Pickup Lines and Just Friends

In this chapter, we are going to talk about the appropriate use of pickup lines.

Now, say you're a girl. For some of you out there, this won't be hard, but you boy-types may need to use a bit of imagination.

Okay, here's the scene:

You're somewhere public. This could be a bar, the mall, a grocery store, or even Costco. It really doesn't matter. A boy-type person comes up to you and says, "Hey baby, do you have a map? Because I just got lost in your eyes."

As a girl, your first instinct is to laugh. Most girls will indulge in this instinct, causing embarrassment to the boy. This is never good. Pickup lines ruin any chance you may have with a girl, unless they're really funny and it's obvious you're joking.

It takes a special kind of guy to pull this off. I don't suggest that the inexperienced girl chasers try the Joke Pickup Line. But there is one pickup line that never fails. If you use this pickup line, you can get any single girl you want.

That pickup line is this: "Hey, my name is Tom Felton."

Warning: This only works if you are actually Tom Felton. For the majority of you that are not Tom Felton, this pickup line is not suggested. Girls will laugh. Then they will talk about how ace Tom Felton is until you get bored and wander off.

Important Point #4: Tom Felton is hotter than you will ever be. Know it, accept it, get over it.

Hitting on a girl is an art form. There are a set of guidelines that work well in most situations, but they've never been written down outside of secret fraternities with names that sound like outlandish mythical creatures or cancer causing radiation rays.

Firstly, we will look at the epitome of irresistible guys. The perfect mix of suave and sincere, good guy and bad boy, good looks and sensitivity, sarcasm and charm.

This boy's name is Fanon!Draco Malfoy. For reference, see my Draco/Ginny fics on Astronomy Tower, Or Cassandra Claire's characterization of Draco. This, my friends, is the perfect guy. Why is he so irresistible?

There is one major reason. Although his dashing good looks help, the majority of his attraction can be summed up in one word. That one word is this:

Confidence.

A guy doesn't have to be as desperately divine looking as Fanon!Draco to get girls, as long as he has confidence. I personally can think of, off the top of my head, four guys that practically ooze confidence. I've fancied all four of them at some point in time, and two weren't even good looking. They could even be termed ugly. But they were confident, and I thought they were so great. I still do.

Be warned, however, that there are cautionary measures.

Confidence comes across as insufferable jackassery in a guy that lacks the other crucial component of being devastatingly attractive to the opposite sex: Charm.

Charm is good. Sarcastic charm is even better. Again, see Fanon!Draco. Girls cannot resist humor. At least the ones with a sense of humor can't, and do you really want to date those other ones anyway?

Be funny, grin impishly, and most importantly, BE CONFIDENT!

Assume girls want to talk to you, but don't converse with them for long. If you stand there for a long time talking to them, they get bored. Girls have almost as short an attention span as boys do. Always leave them wanting more.

After approximately one minute of conversation, tops, check your watch and say, "Oh! So sorry, but I have to go talk to someone. I'll see you later?" They will smile at you and say, "Sure."

Repeat this procedure approximately a dozen times, or for two weeks, whichever comes first. Gradually start elongating your conversation to one and a half minutes, then two minutes, until you are talking like old friends.

It works every time.

Unless, of course, she doesn't like you, in which case I can do nothing for you. How do you get a girl to like you, you ask? It's simple. Be her friend.

Important Point #5: All girls are secretly hopeless romantics.

Most of them, especially in this woman powered culture of ours, will never admit their romantic side. A lot of them, myself included, don't like romantic guys. But the one thing girls cannot help is daydreaming.

If you are a good friend to a girl, you wait long enough and she'll fall for you. It's practically inevitable. Look at all the examples!

-Hermione and Ron and/or Harry (Harry Potter)

-Harry and Sally (When Harry Met Sally)

-Lizzie and Gordo (Lizzie McGuire)

-Peter and Mary Jane (Spiderman)

-Clark Kent and Chloe (Smallville)

-Loralei and Luke (Gilmore Girls)

Seriously. Best friends always get together. It's a law or something. Why? Because girls are romantics. If girls have a best friend of the opposite sex, they'll begin to think long term. It's a bad, bad habit that girls have, falling for their best friends.

If you're disappointed because it's not a quick way to get girls, you are reading the wrong informative guide. I will not reveal the secrets that make you irresistible to girls, just for you to abuse the privilege. I, like other girls, am a romantic.

Important Point #6: Girls believe in True Love. Capitalized.

If you are not interested in True Love, date a slut. Leave the nice girls alone, for goodness sakes. What kind of animal are you, taking advantage of girls that way?

I'm getting off topic.

If you have a best friend that's a girl, and you are a boy, chances are that she has a thing for you. Even if she won't admit it. If you are a girl, and you have a best friend that is a boy, he probably fancies you.

One of you fancies the other, it's true. So it's either him or her, or both. Secretly and deep down. Because boys are just as romantic as girls are, even if they've numbed the feeling to cater to their masculinity.

ADMIT IT!

Because people actually asked questions, I get to answer them. It's amazing how that works. Cool, huh? Ahem, first of all, Hermione questions from fbline:

1. In my own little story, I mention that the females at the school have differing opinions about who Hermione is dating. From a female view, what do you believe would be the popular opinion?

Most girls will say Harry, because he's the hero and they're hopeless romantics. To have a hero as a best friend is an open invitation for people to start gossiping. As Harry is the Hero, and not Ron, most will see Hermione as the Heroine, therefore the Hero's soul mate or some such nonsense.

This would work perfectly well, except that Hermione isn't the Heroine. She is the Sidekick. Ron is the other Sidekick. Harry, the Hero, is set apart from them. They are expendable, he is not, and they will come together to help him, and find things about each other neither expected.

Also, the sparks between them are almost tangible. Didn't Harry himself say that "there was a lot more studying and a lot less laughter when Hermione was your best friend"? There are no sparks between Harry and Hermione. Ron and Hermione, however, are constantly at odds. See the section on excess of emotion.

In the books, Harry refers to them constantly in his mind as "Ron and Hermione," putting them on an equal plane. Ron-and-Hermione, as if it was one word.

By having two Sidekicks instead of a Sidekick and a Heroine, a monkey wrench is thrown in the works of tradition. Ron, by the sheer act of being Hermione's equal, reduces her to Sidekick. They are the crazy twist to the original fairytale. A system anomaly, to quote the Matrix.

But, to answer your question, the popular opinion will be that Hermione will end up with Harry.

IT'S RON THAT SHE GETS WITH, PEOPLE, CAN'T YOU SEE THAT?!

Ahem. Thank you for listening.

2. Since the trio is comprised of 2 males and 1 female, that means at least one of the males will be left holding the proverbial bag, assuming that Hermione does decide on one or the other. With the incredible amount of time that both males have spent with her, could that hamper their possibility of finding someone else? Being a female, would you think that any other girl would feel like they would be competing against Hermione, even if the male in question told them there was nothing to worry about? So, how could they best go about trying to find someone that would not be intimidated by Hermione?

This wouldn't be a problem if Hermione chose Ron, and Harry got together with Ginny. She can hold her own against Hermione, and Harry is a lot less under Hermione's influence than Ron is. Ron is, in essence, completely whipped.

3. Hugh Jackman? Isn't he a little old for you?

Yes, he is. And just a little bit married. But a girl can dream, can't she? It'll be a reverse version of Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher. Which I think is called cradle robbing, but that is beside the point. Hugh Jackman will always be insanely good looking, and fifteen year old girls like me will always want him.

Secondly, a plea from Mstar:

I am a girl, so I have no questions about my gender. I would, however, appreciate it if you would explain to the guys read this fic several things:

* Why girls are not obsessed with sports.
* Just because they can't get pregnant, doesn't mean that they can go sleeping around, which leads to...
* Girls don't always want to sleep with guys because there's the risk that we might get pregnant.
* LEAVE THE FRIGGIN' TOILET SEAT DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I will try the best I can.

1. Why girls are not obsessed with sports.

This I cannot explain. I am obsessed with football. Basketball isn't so bad, either, and nothing beats a game of baseball in the summertime. Why don't girls like sports? That is the question that should be asked.

2. Just because boys can't get pregnant, they can't go sleeping around.

Why not? That's their prerogative. Just because it's slimy, sleazy, and girls hate it, you cannot say that they cannot do it. You will find that they very well can.

Boys, just a bit of advice. If you go sleeping with everyone, the decent girls you actually want to date will never give you a second look. Not the smart ones, anyway.

3. Girls don't always want to sleep with guys because there's a possibility we could get pregnant.

Again, just the smart ones. Most of you know by now (or you do if you read my Astronomy Tower stuff) that I am a Christian. My views on this should be obvious. No sex until marriage.

But, for those of you not swayed by religion or morality, here's a bit of advice:

Condoms can fail. Abstinence never does.

4. LEAVE THE FRIGGIN TOILET SEAT DOWN!

Because this is on a computer, you cannot tell that I am beating my head against the wall in frustration. Does my advice about girls pulling their heads out of their collective bums mean nothing to any of you?

This is such a stereotypical thing to say. That's the girls' main gripe about guys, aided by movies, books, fanfiction, and all media in general. It's silly.

My answer is simple: Quit whining and put the toilet seat down yourself.