Mad Things Girls Do

Chapter Two

Girls Are Insane, Just Accept It

You, being a boy-type person, may have figured out by this time in your life that girls are crazy. The whole lot of them. They should all be boarding in the Psycho Ward with Neville's parents.

Which, come to think of it, would be a good reason for Neville to start visiting his parents more often, now wouldn't it?

But that's not the point. The point is that girls are off their collective onion. This is Important Point #2.

I've promised to enlighten you boy-types on how exactly Important Point #1 pertains to you. Well, here it is:

I'm off on another subject of human nature now, and will tell you later. I am girl, therefore, taking Important Point #2 into account, I am crazy. Don't question me, just go with it.

Here's the bit you boys have all been waiting for. How to tell if a girl fancies you. You know me well enough by now that I am going to compose A Bulleted List on the subject.

However, I'm afraid that the above Bulleted List was a cruel joke, and telling if a girl likes you is really much simpler than that. Get out your paper, because Important Point #3 is about to come up.

The thing about girls, boys, and teenaged hormones with skin wrapped round them is this: they give themselves away too easily. Even I, who know the Rules of Engagement (discussed in an upcoming chapter), fall prey to the simplest of pitfalls.

Excess of emotion.

The easiest way to tell if a girl fancies you is to watch her. I said watch her, Blaise Zabini, not stalk her. Watch how she acts around other people, especially guys in general.

Then talk to her, and watch her as you converse. If you are too nervous to converse with her, just read another chapter that hasn't come up yet entitled "How to Talk to Girls."

Observe her as she talks to you. If she acts differently around you than she does around other guys, then she probably fancies you. Let's take Hermione as our example once more.

Hermione, one may find, is a very good natured person, on the whole. She has her moments of anger (such as slapping our favorite ferret face!), but is usually quite amicable. She treats Harry, Dean, Seamus, Fred, George, and other guys all the same. With a sort of quiet disapproval, and a look that clearly says "I'm not endorsing this, I'm just not going to do anything about it because you guys are fun, even though I won't admit it." Or something like that, anyway.

Except for two very notable exceptions. Ron Weasley and Draco Malfoy.

Now, let's go back to the excess of emotion subject for a moment. Here is the next Important Point:

Important Point #3: A difference of attitude indicates a difference of emotion.

First we'll examine her relationship with Draco Malfoy. Hermione, dear girl, gets around Draco and experiences a sudden change. She's snarky, sarcastic, and borders on malicious.

Which, strangely enough, is the same way she acts around Ron.

When I say 'excess of emotion,' it doesn't necessarily mean good emotions. When a girl acts differently around a certain guy, she either likes him more than most or dislikes him more than most.

But there are times when the lines of this rule get rather hazy. Take that bane of the Good Shippers and Main Talking Point of the Pumpkin Pie shippers, the kiss on the platform.

The thing is, the kiss might not be the bane of the Good Shippers. It probably shouldn't be the moment on which the Pumpkin Pie shippers base their whole theory of Harry/Hermione love.

Hermione, after all, is a girl. What have we learned from Important Point #2? Therefore, she is prone to do all number of strange things.

The kiss, you see, can be interpreted several different ways. But for convenience, we're going to narrow down the options of possible Hermione Love Interests to Harry and Ron.

We're taking this approach because they are her two best friends. She didn't kiss Fred or George, neither Seamus or Dean, simply Harry.

That makes things a bit confusing. Now, there are several ways to look at this. We'll examine both sides of the argument.

Pumpkin Pie (Harry/Hermione): The kiss means that Hermione finally worked up the guts to give Harry some sign of her affection. She didn't kiss Ron, therefore she doesn't see him as a potential partner.

Good Ship (Ron/Hermione): The kiss means that Hermione is comfortable enough around Harry to kiss him, but she's not comfortable around Ron. And lovely awkwardness equals love in the making.

Both sides have very good points. But the truth of it is that no straight conclusion can be drawn from the kiss. We'll look at both of the options, untainted by shipping preference (Although most of you have been alerted to my belief in trees).

Option #1: Hermione is in love with Harry. She's finally worked up the guts to kiss him, as no normal fourteen-year-old girl should have done. But Hermione's always been unusual. She wanted to give him a token, just in case they never saw each other again. She wanted to let him know that she cared for him, but didn't know how to say it.

Option #2: Hermione is NOT in love with Harry. If she hadn't fancied Ron, she'd have kissed both of her best friends. But at the last moment she changed her mind, got nervous, and didn't kiss him. Then, in Order of the Phoenix, she regretted that decision and so kissed him before the Quidditch game.

So, as you can see, the lines on what's excess of emotion in the fancying department is a bit hazy sometimes.

What we have learned from this chapter:

Sorry about that last one, I couldn't help it.

In the next chapter, I will elaborate on the Theory of Excess, and probably use Ginny as an example again.

Review Questions For Chapter Two:

What is the main thing to keep in mind when dealing with girls?

If a girl was in a rage for no apparent reason, would you try to rationalize her into a better mood? (Hint: Implement Important Rule #2)

If you are not Tom Felton, and a girl drags you into a closet and susses you down, are you awake or are you dreaming?

Or are you Hugh Jackman?