Mad Things Girls Do

-Prologue-

Hello, Siofra The Elf here, bringing you the book every boy in the world would love to get his hands on. The book that Ron Weasley, in his infinite wisdom, sparked the inspiration for.

I am dead tired of girls whining to me when their men don't understand them. It all seems perfectly obvious to me, and I think that these girls are just hiding behind the cultural norm of 'men are impossible' in order to avoid coming to face with their own feelings and shortcomings.

Boys often sit down beside me with shell-shocked looks on their faces, begging to know what they did wrong, and completely clueless as to what the girl is feeling, or even they themselves are feeling.

I've always been a people reader. After some thought, I've come up with everything I know about reading people, especially girls, and combined it to form this publication. Numbered Important Points and Bulleted Lists are included for those of you that wish to take notes.

Girls, it's about time you learned to get your heads out of your collective bums and start respecting your boys. Boys, it's finally time for you to understand exactly what makes girls tick.

So here it is.

The book explaining the mad things girls do, so that boys can understand them.

Chapter One

A Difference of A Pinion

First, a joke:

Q: If you have two pinion trees on one side of the road, and three pinion trees on the other side of the road, what do you have?

A: A difference of a pinion.

Now, a relationship is like those five pinion trees, and the road is like...okay, this is getting far too difficult. Forget the bit about trees and listen up.

The key to understanding a person is to know what they want. If you've known a person long enough (and six years is plenty long, Ronald Bilius Weasley!), and you listen to them, you can learn things they never meant to give away.

Take Hermione Granger for example. This one's for you, Ron.

To start, we'll compile A Bulleted List of all the things we know about Hermione's childhood:

Now, you might think that's not a whole lot to work with. But I say that you are most decidedly wrong. Just take what you know about her childhood, and the way she acts now, and she's really not that complicated to figure out.

Let's take this point by point, shall we?

Firstly, Hermione is an only child. She's never had brothers or sisters to play with, fight with, and lord it over that she's the oldest, so ha!

To find out what a person wants now, you must simply look at what they didn't have growing up. For example, another of Hermione's weaknesses is probably chocolate and sweets, as her parents are dentists. But that's the second point, so let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Because Hermione is an only child, she wants family. Therefore she loves that she's befriended a big family like the Weasleys, and adores Ginny like a sister. She endures Fred and George like a slightly doting younger sister trying desperately not to be amused at her brothers' antics. And Ron, of course...well, we'll decipher that in a later chapter.

Then there were some other points, but they're not important at the moment. Let's move on to Ginny Weasley, shall we?

As always, we're going to compose A Bulleted List of things we know about Ginny:

There are other things about her, but I don't want to confuse you too much in the first chapter. Again, we'll take this point by point, although in no certain order. I am off my onion, and will take things from the middle bullet outward.

Her brothers never let her play Quidditch. Therefore she wants very much to play Quidditch, as it is human nature to want what one cannot have.

THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT.

This is perhaps the key to understanding girls and all human-like creatures. Everyone wants what they cannot have. Let's continue to use Ginny as an example of this.

She has loads of brothers. She's the youngest child, and a girl, so therefore probably doted on. Following the logic I've just revealed, what does Ginny want the most?

Solitude.

To be respected for who she is, not who she knows. To not stand in the shadow of her brothers, to play a sport that she loves, to walk down the halls of Hogwarts and have people say, "That's Ginny Weasley, she's on the Quidditch team." Or, "That's Ginny Weasley, she's tutoring that kid in Potions." Or even, "That's Ginny Weasley. She's pretty cool."

What she does not want, above all, is to walk down the hall and have someone say, "That's Ginny Weasley. You know Fred and George, those kids with the joke shop? Yeah, that's their sister."

You wonder how I can know so much from three points on a silly Bulleted List. But, if you think about it, it must be true.

This is Important Point #1: People want what they don't have, or haven't experienced.

Take my friend Kiara for example. She was the youngest child as well, but so far apart from her nearest sibling (four years) that her older siblings would all hang out and leave her to amuse herself.

So, following the logic that should be drilled into your head by now, she wants companionship, and family togetherness.

Take this bit of logic and file it away in your mental folder, the dusty, nearly empty one that says, "Things I Know About Girls," and tune in next week. Then I'll tell you how this pertains to you as a boy.

Review Questions For Chapter One:

What do girls want?

If you're able to answer that question, you should be writing this book.

What do people in general want?

If a girl had a really romantic, loving, doting boyfriend that she broke up with out of sheer frustration, how should you act to win that girl? Use Important Point #1 to answer this.

Ron, please don't kill me for what's coming up next.