Mad Things Girls Do

Chapter Four

How to Talk to Girls

In this chapter, we will be discussing how to talk to girls. Why? Because a very desperate reviewer needs to know.

There is a girl who I like, but she is smart and sophisticated and I happen to have made a fool of myself on several occasions, while "showing off my 'individuality'". While we were working on a paper at the same table, I, who happen to be used to answering all the questions for the group, went and made it look like I was a confident S.O.B. who thinks everyone else to be stupid and lazy. It did not help that the six-person table had four girls; the term "chauvinism" probably came to mind. Needless to say, she got mad. The next day, she kind of forgot and I apologized. Then, the girls at the table started asking me about who I liked. We started a game where they asked me questions about who I liked. Then, the girl who I liked asked me a few questions, all of which fit her. She had a strange look in her eyes that I didn't like, and at the last moment I was saved by the proverbial (and literal) class bell. About a week later, one of my "friends" asked her to go out with me on my behalf (me being on the other side of the building, I had no idea. When I found out, I ran up to her and said, "I don't know what X said, but I had nothing to do with it." She ignored it, though I expected her to either giggle or tell me to get the F away from her. People are teasing me of liking her and she completely ignores me in our classes. What should I do? Does she like me (probably not)? I'm afraid confidence and charm won't help me here. -Levi3o4

This is a very bad scenario. However, it's a perfect example of what not to do.

1. Being a confident S.O.B. and showing off your individuality isn't bad. Case and point: Jake and Drew. Two guys I know, although Jake just happens to be my brother. They're confident, bordering on jerks, and never fail to say what's on their mind. Girls cannot resist them, for some odd reason. Chauvinism, on the other hand, will not win you any points. Bad.

2. Never, ever, under any circumstances answer questions about the girl you like. It's a recipe for disaster. When someone starts to quiz you, simply look at them and say, "Who says I fancy anyone?" Or something to that effect. Don't answer questions. Not once in my entire experience has someone playing the crush version of 20 questions got what they wanted, i.e. whoever they fancy. It's very juvenile, and girls don't like that.

What am I saying? I love juvenile. But I'm the only girl I know that does. Never answer questions. Never. Cannot stress this enough.

3. I believe turtlestooth said it better than I ever could when he said, "Also, I suggest to levi304 that he kicks his friend right in the [unprintable private body parts] and tells him to die of the plague and rot in the deepest bowels of Satan's a**-hole."

This was a very bad thing for your friend to do. If you get someone else to quiz your crush about whether she likes you or not, or God forbid ask her out for you, it's again very juvenile. It's what my sister and brother in the fifth grade do. Your friend is not the paragon of maturity.

4. No, I don't think you have a chance with this girl anymore. It's gone beyond confidence and charm. You're young, move on, find someone else. Tell your retard friend to keep his nose out of your love life, don't answer questions, follow the advice below, and you'll do just fine.

Which brings me to my next point. How to talk to girls.

Important Point #7: Girls are just as scared of you as you are of them.

Trust me. To you, girls may be these strange, feminine, completely different creatures that, as Harry sums up so well, "tend to travel in packs." Sometimes they also smell nice.

Boys are just as frightening to us. We look at boys and see masculine, rowdy, happy creatures that are so different from us it makes us want to scream and laugh at the same time.

I admit there are exceptions. You'd get beat up if you called certain girls 'feminine,' and there are boys that are sensitive and quiet. But these are the exceptions that prove the rule, and when dealing with the opposite sex, both boys and girls tend to not think things like that through adequately.

You may have a friend who happens to be a girl, someone you've known since you were in diapers/second grade/Jr. High, whatever. You may think you know this girl, that you understand her.

But that all gets shot to hell when you hit puberty.

Suddenly, whammo, out of the blue, boys change from rather interesting playmates to fascinating creatures girls get tingly thoughts about. I know it's the same for boys.

How do I know?

That's another story. But the point is that girls are just as nervous about talking to you as you are to them, at least most of the time. Personally, I fancied this guy for six months and talked to him maybe three times. I was scared. He fancied me, too, but never said anything about it. Word just got around. And we were both scared.

It was horrendous. To keep this from happening to you, you must talk to girls. It's scary, it's crazy, and may seem to you downright impossible. What if you make a fool of yourself? What if she doesn't fancy you? What if, what if, what if!

Get over it. Suck it up. Rehearse in the mirror, mutter under your breath, whatever it takes. Just go up to her, say hi, ask her how her day went, blah blah blah. A typical boy/girl Jr. High conversation goes something like this:

Boy: Hey.

Girl: *Nervous smile* Hi.

Boy: Er...what's up?

Girl: Nothing much. *Shrugs*

Boy: Oh, that's er...cool. Me, too.

Girl: *Nervous laugh* Well, I have to go...do that thing.

Boy: *Relieved sigh* Yeah, me too. Bye.

Girl: See ya.

Painful, isn't it? You, as an interested boy, must progress the conversation beyond Jr. High. Jr. High is a bad place to be, conversation-wise. Think of something funny to say (but don't tell jokes), have an interesting story (a very short interesting story), do anything to make yourself stand out from the crowds of, "Oh, me too."

The good part is, you don't have to think of it on the spot. You can rehearse it in the mirror for an hour beforehand, and she'll never know! Truth is, girls do the same thing. I have one story, a story I've polished and perfected over hours of practice in front of a mirror and in front of boys, that I can pull out on a moment's notice in any new situation.

After the first conversation, things get easier. Trust me. After that, you just sort of be yourself. If yourself is outspoken, force yourself to say all the things you're too nervous to say because you think she might not like them. If she doesn't like them, she doesn't like you. There are plenty of girls in the world, and their tastes vary so much that there has to be one that would like a guy for just being himself.

Important Point #8: Be yourself.

Cliché, idiotic, illogical, whatever. This is the best bit of advice ever given. If you're not acting like yourself, but the girl fancies what you've projected yourself to be, you'll have to keep being something you're not in order to keep her interest. That will get really old, really fast.

If you act like yourself from the get-go, then there's no deception, no false expectations. It's a 'take what you get, 'cause this is me,' deal. And that's the best kind there is.

Trust me.