Our Letters to Mary Sue

The responses from the student and teachers of Hogwarts provoked an interesting response from the afflicted. Some were...quite different in their approach.

Potter,

I don't give a damn what you're going to do to me. I'd rather just leave this school and forget about you and your pathetic life. To be honest, I don't see what people find so fascinating about Hogwarts or you for that Matter. I would rather spend a week, in hell before spending any further time at Hogwarts. Please inform that so called father of mine that I would join the Dark Lord before I admitted the HE is in any way related to me.

Sincerely,
Lenna 'The Annoyed Daughter of Snivellus the traitor' Snape

--Dark Lady of Slytherin

Dear Ms. Granger,

I'll be sure to keep my eye out for Mrs. Norris and keep myself in line. I'm sure I'll have no problems in restraining from sexually harassing my fellow students.

Best regards,
Will Weasley

--Qui Xux

Dearest Headmaster,

I was earlier described as a Mary Sue because I was an American Transfer student. However, seeing as I am from Japan, I don't see how the American Transfer student cliché applies to me. I am from Japan after all. And atleast I'm not half Veela. I'm not all perfect as people may think, and damn it all, my creator wants me to Marry Draco, but fall in love with Lucius. Exactly what kind of crap pot idea is that? Now, if you're going to expel me do it soon, so that I might return to my normal life away from this school.

Sincerely
Eudora Jadence

--Sirius's Little Secret

Dear Overlord/Headmaster/Grateful-Dead-Refugee Dumbledore,

You can't keep me here. You were getting rid of all "American Transfers". Granted, I didn't really transfer here...I was sentenced...but you have no legal grounds to keep me here.

You're kicking us all out and I am free.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got packing to do.

Jesse "HELLLLO MONTE CARLO AND VEGAS!" McCade

--The Annoying One

Soon, all the Marys and Garys realized that they were not alone in the corruption of Hogwarts and the attempts on poor Voldemort's life. Soon they realized that if they tried to band together, they could do what no pair of mice could ever do: Take over the world... Ok...maybe I'm stretching that a little bit.

Dear Mr. William Weasley,

Forget Hogwarts...the place is a damn deathtrap to begin with. I don't know what your "higher power" is up to, but you can't trust him/her/it. I know that mine seems to have this twisted desire to make me as borderline MS/GS as possible and then make me pay for it in the worst ways possible...all in the name of "doing something different".

You know what...screw that. I'm outta' here. Why don't you tag along? We could easily make it big in Vegas and put acts like Penn and Teller out of business. And the best part is...we could use real magic and not get caught.

Let me know what you think...

Jesse McCade - former inmate/student at Hogwarts

-- The Annoying One

Dear Ms. Granger,

I'll be sure to keep my eye out for Mrs. Norris and keep myself in line. I'm sure I'll have no problems in restraining from sexually harassing my fellow students.

Best regards,
Will Weasley

--Qui Xux

Dear Jesse,

You're being kept against your will? Isn't that against some Muggle Law? I mean it's an offense. And to be honest, what exactly does the All Might Albus Dumbledore have up his sleeve? He won't let me leave either, but sent Potter to inform me of my suspension! I want to leave damn it all. This school is a rat hole, in which a new form of fungus has been found i.e. Potter and Malfoy!

I'd take you up on your offer to head to Vegas, however, my guardian in care won't allow me to, stupid prat that she is. Old coot is a friend of the loony Dumbledore. Least you don't have Snape for a father. Seriously, I'd have fun watching him suffer. My greatest aspiration is to join the Dark Lord and watch my father cringe to see me stand amongst the ranks of Death Eaters. Of course, then I'd tell Voldemort, that Snape deserves a punishment for trying to keep me from his side of evil. And then I would laugh as he was tortured. Oh the joys. No...this is no way for any 'Mary Sue' to act. Dear me...I must go primp and pamper myself, and act all cheery, because that's what a MS does. Please excuse me while I puke up the contents of my lunch.

Sincerely,
Lenna 'The Sickened' Snape

--Dark Lady of Slytherin

Dear Lenna

Mind manicuring my nails then? Honestly....I fear I may be sick as well. And as for Draco, he is such a fool. Think I should pawn the ring? We could have ourselves a little party down in Vegas. Mind if we hop along then Jesse?

Eudora "Pretty girl?" Jadence

--Sirius's Little Secret

Eventually, the Ministry decided to step in and prevent the sudden exodus of dozens (some said hundreds of thousands) of ridiculously overpowered individuals into daily life.

Dear Mr. McCade,

In regards to your stay at Hogwarts. Feel free to complain all you want, but Albus Dumbledore is merely following the legal ruling that was reached at your hearing last June.

If you would be so kind to remember, you are to "remain at Hogwarts, until the end of your seventh year, even if it kills you...kills you...kills you."

Though Headmaster Dumbledore seems to disregard the opinions of certain people currently in office, he has not done anything illegal. Therefore, your accusations are baseless and you will continue to serve out the rest of your sentence...if you manage to live that long.

Clarissa Ridgeton
Improper Use of Magic Office, Juvenile Offenses
Ministry of Magic

--The Annoying One

From Fudge to Dumb-le-d'or, greetings.
Dumbledore, you must think yourself a wise old scoundrel, but listen here and listen well. Pray tell, did you, in all actuality, think that sending your fierce army would determine the ministry to heed your words? Did you think that by turning loose these blood-thirsty warriors, you would have us waver on our word? No, never! For though they flap their eye-lashes all day long, and though their magic has sent all our scientists in full study, we shall prevail!
But let us work calmly, Dumbledore - stop the bloodshed, play it fair. The men are in a fit of despair. There is but not a male in the ministry to have escaped their beautifully manicured hands and not served as their sexual play things...a few felines as well.
Even yours truly was forced to retreat in own office, where one of them awaited me eager. But I fended her off, for I had a wet tissue in my hand, and faced to the perspective of tainting her mascara, the vile fiend fled in haste! And the corridors echoed in the cries of Death Eaters that they single-handedly obliterated - a group of five each!- only to then resurrect by their unfathomable powers, and kill yet again.
All this, of course, in the breaks between sulking on some wretched heritage or the other. I ask of you, Dumbledore, for it is from your Hogwarts that they were seen to depart, how many times was lord Voldemort abused as a student, for surely so many offspring I have never seen in a man! At this rate, they shan't call him Vole-de-mort soon, but Vole de-
Ah, but enough of this! I tell you! Retrieve your demons! Take back their high heels and the hordes of animals to be in their favors! Release the halls of the ministry from the treacherous net of the Britney Spears demon they have imposed!
Seek not to cause the downfall of all our interspecies relations by such gruesome ambassadors! Half-elves with inexplicably long frames (we hear they might be some mutated form, since the elves as we know them are highly less...extravagant...and vile). Vampires with a high resistance for the blood crave and the sunlight. Even that feline-princess whose eyes change colors and whose tongue can do that nice twist with the-
Again, enough of this! God have mercy on you, Dumbledore...for on account of what you have unleashed, I can have none.
Yours devoted,
Cornelius "tired of being a child persecutor" Fudge

P.S: you also owe us an explanation on all those time-turners you seem to have granted with such generosity, even if there's a handful in the entire realm. Bad Dumbledore. Baaaaad.

--Ruxi

Picking up on the increase in Ministry attention, some of the Marys and Garys turned to help from a *ahem* higher power. Reports also mention a large transfer of leafy green illicit substances as well.

Dear Minister Fudge,

As I pointed out to Kommadant Dumbledore, I am not in the aforementioned categories of MS/GS monsters. I'm just a kid who wants to get kicked out of the Wizarding world and make an honest living as an illusionist in Vegas...or Monte Carlo.

When I pointed this technicality out to the Grateful-Dead Refugee, he decided to keep me here against my will, despite revising his list. If you ask me, I think he struck a deal with the psychotic author who is writing my story. I also have reason to believe that he might have struck similar deals with other writers as well.

If you do not look into this matter, I will be forced to go over your head and write to YOUR author and inform her of what's going on. I know she happens to be hostile to Americans in general and I have no doubt that SHE will do something about it.

While I can barely guess what goes on in the mind of Ms. Rowling, I have a feeling that she can be really ugly and vindictive to characters she doesn't like.

All I ask is that you persuade the crazy old man into letting me leave. Otherwise, I'm going to enjoy watching JKR making you look an even bigger fool than you already are.

Sincerely,

Jesse "Get me the hell outta' here!" McCade

--The Annoying One

Dear Fudge,

I believe you are sorely mistaken on a few of us that are being sent from the school. I believe there are a few students here that have been wrongly classified as "Mary Sue" character and thus you are still a brainless fool that believes in the unbelievable. I am sorry to inform you that I will not find my self in your possession at the Ministry Office as I am being held against my will here at Hogwarts.

You see, unlike some of these other girls, I am not witty, nor do I care to out smart, out show, or even destroy or rape any other person attending Hogwarts or older than myself. I would also like to state that, seeing as Mr. Potter is younger than myself I think it would be rather wrong of an 18 year old to find herself attracted to any one of the pathetic louts you have at Hogwarts or in the Ministry.

Mr. Lupin, and Mr. Black, may have well known my mother when she was attending school, but that means absolutely nothing to me. Personally I would like to watch my mother's body burn in a large pit, whilst I watch my father suffer. Though I am sure he never truly loved my mother, and that I was just a mistake that was kept for something to use against my father should the occasion call for it. However as I am older, and soon to be on my own, I cannot honestly be held against my will here. Once I leave Hogwarts and my final years are complete I will head to Egypt or perhaps Greece where I might further my knowledge on the legends that spark thoughts into my head. Or I will join the Dark Lord in his quest to dominate the world, and thus be thrown into Azkaban as that is my just desserts for joining such an evil man.

As you can see, all rules continue to apply to me, even though I am soon to be leaving Hogwarts. I started Hogwarts when I was 11 and dear Mr. Potter (who being 15 now) was only 8 years of age. I am older than the Weasley Twins and thus have no desire to intrude on their pranks and such at Hogwarts. I do not break the rules as I am sure that I would receive detention or loose house points, as I have done many times in the past and have learned from those mistakes. And besides I enjoy the shadows of Hogwarts much better than being in the spotlight. I may have brains, but I am not smarter than Hermione Granger. I work my arse off to make good grades in the classes I am good at.

Professor Snape is my father, and as such it is typical that he and I have rather large disagreements. But I will never disrespect him as a teacher. Instead it is his inability to prove to me, just how much of a father he truly is. I figure this is because he is a cold hearted prat and cannot look past the things that have occurred in his past. That leaving me with a father who is stuck in his past and filled with hate and regret is a very bad thing indeed. I will not cry you a river over spilled milk. The Past is the Past, and the future will remain as such.

I may have a dark past, but that does not mean I do not react accordingly to that past. I have a few psychological problems, such as my inability to socialize with others (as I fear human contact), a small bout of depression, and a yearning to see other's suffer as a way to dealing with my own pain. As you can very well see this is not like many Mary Sues, who have become all peachy and blissful to be around as a facade. I will not hide who and what I am. I am just a distraught teenage girl, who is coming into her adulthood. If this classifies me as a Mary Sue, so very well be it. I am sure that you will remain to be biases against those Labeled as such.

So I say good day to you Minister Fudge, and I hope you find that I am being as respectful as I can possibly be without sound all 'Look at me, I perfect and beautiful too' as that would not be like me at all. I am honest in what I have said.

Sincerely,
Lenna 'I can't believe I was nice' Snape

--Dark Lady of Slytherin

Dear Minister Fudge,

I must say I am quite appalled with the behavior of the staff at Hogwarts and wonder if the Ministry is fully supporting this preposterous idea? Not only is it discriminatory, it's infuriating.

May I remind you that as a Mary Sue, I have the power to destroy you and may very well do so. It wouldn't be hard for me seeing as I have the power to eliminate Voldie as well. SO don't piss me off. I'm not use to anything less than perfect and might snap if otherwise provoked.

Before I go I suggest you seriously rethink certain things. You wouldn't want the Ministry to crumble do you? The Mary Sues won't hesitate. Thank you for your time.

XOXOX,

Eudora Jadence

--Sirius's Little Secret

With all of the mail flying back and forth, the Canons simply could not hold back their report. (Heh...look a canon joke...get it? Canon...report? Guns...shot...things....ah forget it...)

Lenna Snape,
You hate Snape and you're his daughter? Wow, can I marry you?
~Harry 'I am a victim' Potter

Will Weasley,
Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow (Translation by Mrs. McGonagall: I'm watching you, I see dead people too.)

~Meow (Sincerely, Mrs. Norris)

Eudora Jadence,
I'm afraid you cannot keep Draco. We would appreciate it if you did not perform the Imperius Curse on him again. May I remind you that it is an illegal curse? Lucius is currently on the run.

~Sincerely,
Hermione 'I know it all!' Granger

Jesse McCade,

Grunt Grunt Grunt. Mumble Grumble Rumble. Vegas is what that?
~Gregory 'Duhhhh' Goyle

Pallador,
So, you are an elf? A house elf then? Give up the disguise, you're Doug Pardon, that Muggle-born who used to pretend to be other people. Quite skilled at the polyjuice potion he was.
~Professor Binns

OC's that are normal,
How about you just joint the DA?
~Ron 'I'm in love with Hermione!' Weasley (Notice, I don't indicate anything about Hermione you shippers out there)

Cornelius,
I cannot allow fondlers, molesters, and rapists into my school.
Deepest apologies,
Albus 'I am all-seeing' Dumbledore

Morgana Valimor,
There are 500 males in my hospital wing right now. I suppose you are the one to thank?
~Madam Pompfrey

Jesse McCade,
Voldemort has not returned! Potter is crazy!
~Fudge

Maryanna "Mary Sue" Suesabelle Galdriel Isis Aurora Lizzie Crystal Riddle,
Mr. Black is umm not available and I am too old for you. Sorry.

~Remus 'Wolf' Lupin

Should I wear my pink or blue robes for the next ball? Oh by the way, Hermione says you can't come back. ~Lavender 'I'm so pretty' Brown

Lenna Snape,
Voldemort has not returned! Potter is crazy!
~Percy 'Suck-up' Weasley, No, I mean Fudge

Fuscienne Raffaella Octavia Sebastian Thomyris,
Your name is oddly long. It is up to the author whether or not to return him to his time.
~Pansy 'Draco is my god' Parkinson

Eudora Jadence,
No, I have the power to destroy you. Avada Kedavra.
~Lord 'I'm actually a softie at heart' Voldemort

Charity Dagrun Gryon,
Ok, you know what? I shagged a lot of women in my day but we always used the proper wizarding birth control. So no, you are not related to me!

~Godric 'Kiss me' Gryffindor
I don't like you. Go away. ~Salazar Slytherin
Threats won't help you. ~Helga 'I'm not stupid' Hufflepuff
Hello, wrong universe ~Lord of the Rings Cast

--Aznprincess

Shockingly, the reports of the canon (yes I made the same lousy joke twice, deal with it) called down the boom from the Marys and Garys. They were not thrilled at some of the replies.

Dearest Weasley,

Did you neglect to notice that my last name happens to be Snape? Do you honestly think I am about to respect a word that comes out of your mouth? I might hate my father, but you have got to be the worst wizard, and that's saying a lot, that I have ever met. To be quite honest anyone who denies that Voldemort is back is a complete and utter moron, you, Fudge, and any other that believes such a crackpot idea. I shall enjoy watching the Ministry fall at the hands of the Dark Lord! No I am not proclaiming my undying affection towards the man, I am stating that he is back, and though Potter might be a nutter, I believe you are also.

Please find enclosed a magical powder that is quite similar to anthrax and I hope it does its job. Please see to it that Minister Fudge receives this present. I am sure he will most enjoy it. The powdered doughnuts are just that. I assure you there is nothing wrong with those; the powder shall be on your fingers when you touch the envelope in which this came from. Now if you excuse me I must write my letter back to Mr. Potter, and deny his request to marry me.

Sincerely,
Lenna 'I'm not happy about this situation' Snape

Dearest Potter,

I am sorry to inform you, but I am not sure that any relationship between you and I will ever occur or work out. You see there is a slight problem, my father hates you, and as much as I hate my father, he'd probably go AWAL and kill you. It wouldn't be hard for me to believe that, I believe much like myself, he has a small sadistic side to him. Please also note that I hate anything that is right and good, they make me want to vomit. Also note, that I am currently at the moment debating which side I am truly on, and to see my father wither in pain at the sight of my mother's death does sort of lean towards the side of Darkness. When you defeat Voldemort, please be sure to send me to Azkaban and perhaps afterwards, we might attempt to work out a relationship, should you care.

Sincerely Yours,
Lenna 'I can't believe Potter Proposed to Me' Snape

Dearest Father,

Thought you should know, I plan to kill mother. And Potter requested to marry me. Shall I accept to put you in your grave before I kill mother?

Lenna 'I hate you' Snape

--Dark Lady of Slytherin

Dear Professor Binns,

How dare you offend me and my lineage with such foolish notions? I am not a house-elf, nor will I ever be one. I have a royal lineage, though house-elves may be a distant relation to me, since we can perform the same Elven magic. Though I can not do a charm in your class, you feel the need to put me in such company as a common man, who appears to be quite skilled in fooling people, did you brew him that potion yourself, our did you pay Professor Snape to brew it for you? I feel the people in this time may be fooled not by him but by you. Maybe next time I'll try to get the charm right in your class.

Last of the Elves,

Pallador

Dear Pansy 'Draco is my god' Parkinson,

Oh, you foolish child, you may worship the ground he walks on, but what do you really know what he thinks of you? I have it in good faith that he has dumped you so willingly and doesn't ever want you back. My name happens to be FROST. Fuscienne is really dead and the author just won't accept it. I think I need to go to St. Mungo's Hospital and see if Professor Lockhart has been returned to his senses, I hear he can do a mean Obliviate spell, just what the author needs to have happen, sticking me with that name, and the author is human so Pallador can't go back to his time, I explained this already. Are you dense as well as foolish? 'Don't mess with the Divine Dragons', I hear they call up wind and rain and can control them. You might just find yourself waterlogged and blown out of Hogwarts.

Frost

--Darkwriter

Hermione Granger:

For one I have no intention of keeping Draco. He's pathetic as it is and a lousy lover, hence why I turned to Lucius in the first place. Shows how much you know about Lucius. Not that I'd tell you where he's hiding anyways. SO kindly mind your business.

Eudora~Frizzy hair= no brains?~ Jadence

Voldie:
You are a sad, sad creature. I have no intention to kill you anyways. I intend to have Lucius do it seeing as I am not going to dirty my hands with your blood. Besides, I'm busy dealing with the rest of the whiny Malfoys at hand. I have my hands rather full. Oh yes. If Harry Potter can defeat you, it will be all too easy for me. Ever wondered what a Muggle weapon mixed with an unforgivable curse can do? Meet my Avada Kedavra bullet*bang*

Eudora~Slightly trigger happy~Jadence

--Sirius's Little Secret

Dear Mr. Goyle,

Your parents were brother and sister, weren't they? Try not to write, the quill and parchment can't take the torture of you trying to actually complete a sentence.

Jesse "Glad my parents aren't related like most purebloods" McCade

Dear Minister Fudge,

Seek help, in fact I suggest someone put you through the Cruciatus curse for an hour or so, then wipe away part of you memory and implant false memories all "for your own good". It worked wonders for me, think of what it can do for clueless git like you.

Jesse "Hogwarts Inmate" McCade

--The Annoying One

Dear Mr. Slytherin,

I do not much like you, either. I believe this has something to do with your nymph ancestry -- don't deny it, I know it's true. Please be informed that even in our time, our race is beating yours, so there.
Dagrun 'Trust me, the feeling's mutual' Gryon

Dear Great-great-great-etc grand Dad

I assure you that I am related to you; through your twin sister -- I know that you have no children of your own. Ha
Dagrun 'I am too your relative' Gryon

Dear LotR cast

I'm Elvin, not Elven
Dagrun Gryon

-- Cassandra Lunar

Then out of nowhere, some hidden group of outcast über...um...old people...called outto the current Marys and Garys of Hogwarts with this plea:

Dear pest and proud successor (Jesse McCade),

We were most bereaved to hear of the malicious conditions imposed upon you and also of the deprivations in concern to your freedom. You were retained at Hogwarts, and under full siege, if I am correct.

What was that name? Mary-Sues? It is a rather ghastly appellative for a group of assault, but one cannot truly criticize, given the times...It was certainly a different issue entirely, back in good old 1950, and surely all has stoically endured a startling change.

Mary Sues...dear Salazar, soon you'll be telling us their eyes change color!

At any rate, Octavius has insisted upon this missive, wishing to make sure Dumbledore's existence continues on the same chaotic rhythm our fine organization has worked so very hard to establish. So, of course, an heir was to be designated...
Would that you were the one, eh? Well, congratulations. You are. And as such, we feel it our debt to society - Valeria also mentions something about a portrait of hers in Grimmauld?- to arm you with the means to destroy such fiends as those to have risen against dear Hogwarts.

How do we know of them? By Merlin, think the 1950's lacked them? Heh, if so, mark my words, boy.

Drugs may fade and so - to Marcus' sheer displeasure- may alcohol. There may come a time when even Hogwarts shall fall, and the unforgivables will become a myth.
But the Mary Sue shall never perish. The Mary Sue will live on.

They were in the 1950s too, alright. That was Tom Marvolo's time, so of course they were there to flash their eyelashes, and sample these minuscule garbs that Octavius was all too certain they had obtained as result to a most productive class of decrease charms. I do believe he also mentioned the enlargement spells being given a particular usage in their anatomy, as well...well, come now, never heard of the terms "slim yet curvy"? Seen those wasp waists and those huge bre-

Valeria, don't get brutal. Anyhow, do you honestly think all that came naturally, and on all of them, too?

They were by the waves, these Sues, all centered on Marvolo. To your misfortune and our sadistic delight, we heard Marvolo kept to his ancestor's reputation at least in one domain, and that many fiends were spawn as consequence. I'm willing to bet they're as goody-good as their mothers inevitably turned...

We saw them all: "underage sex goddess" Sue, "innocent as Britney Spears" Sue, and even "please, for God's sake, put me out of my misery" Sue.

The last was Octavius' favorite. He always humored her. We all attempted to fend them off as well as we could. Valeria insisted we practice Diffindo on their faces - but it would seem that the perfect beauty would not be erased. Then, yours truly came up with the idea of working them over as house elves. It didn't do the job. The true elves went on a strike the subsequent day.

It would seem these Sues all had the habit or lulling themselves to sleep by the sound of their voices and of sulking in their inner angst for the rest of the time. At this rate, the house elves said they would rather be free and paid for their service.
Imagine that! A paid house elf. Would that I live to see that day! Though there was this one case back in 1296, when all Elven rights were discussed, since there was one woman militing for them...the entire affair was immediately abandoned as soon as it was found out just what this fair lady did with the elf...

She was this beautiful woman, with such sparkling intelligence, and always doing the right thing, and fancying that Gryffindor lad, and- oh, quite, forgot. The Godric-Sue, that was her name.

But back to your problem.

Lad, there's no mistaking you've to be rid of them, and the sooner the better. Since we've no true mean of aiding other than counsel, let me warn you against a higher evil than their sinless presences per whole.

They have a power imbued to their very aura. We worked a great time in researching it, but all my Alchemy studies proved somewhat in vain.

There is no cure, but distancing and immediate beating of the victim. We call it...OOC-dom.

I jest not; it is a most terrible curse. They caught Marvolo once - poor devil- and after a touch of this virus, he began spilling off on the inner conflicts in him, and the demons he had, and about his great love for the Sues and how they alone kept him from going astray! And how no one knew of the sensitivity of his heart - here Valeria gasped, quite bewildered to hear he had any- and that no one but the Sue could understand his terrible burden...

He managed to escape as they all fought on whose daughter - no sons, to this one, does this surprise anyone?- would get the ability to wandlessly cast the Cruciatus from her cradle, so to show her resemblance to daddy.

He never quite recovered since, and has grown, on their account, a certain anger management issue, as well as an identity crisis. What, you never heard of Lord Voldemort...?

So, we tell and plead - beware of the OOC-dom, since it is the Sues' greatest weapon. Also, if you catch any Sue, boil her in her angsty tears or hang her by her long lashes, or strangle her with her long wavy hair.

Where there's a wine, there's a way, or so dear Marcus would put it, so, on his behalf, I feel forced to underline that you must not despair...too much. Defend Hogwarts. Or die trying. Guess what happened here...?

Heed our advice and make sure they suffer. Make us proud.

Do keep in touch, if you truly must but...uch...try not to, if you can avoid it.

Tiberius Deveraux, for the Fidelius Circle

--Ruxi