Our Letters to Mary Sue

Once upon a time, the canon characters of the Harry Potter series decided that they had had enough of the shenanigans that permeated due to the sudden influx of new students.

Dear American Transfers/Mary Sue's,

We have decided to kick all of you out. All of you have sadly chosen to perpetually break the dress code. We haven't punished you because we decided to just wait it out. It's part of the school rules. After a certain length of time of breaking the dress code, you're out. We have hoped and hoped that there would finally be an American Transfer who is low-key, doesn't sexually harass or rape Mr. Potter, Mr. Wood, or Mr. Malfoy, doesn't one-up Ms. Granger, doesn't replace Mr. Weasley, and doesn't make Mr. Longbottom look like a fool. We have hoped that there would be an American Transfer who did not break the rules without getting punished. We have hoped that there would be an American Transfer who did not disrespect Professor Snape. We have hoped for an American Transfer that does not pass with Ms. Granger's flying colors. We have hoped for an American Transfer who would not refer to our version of a C--which would be A for Acceptable--as an A. Our version of an A is an O for outstanding. We have hoped for an American Transfer who did not get good grades without working their arses off like our beloved Ms. Granger. We have hoped for an American Transfer who is not smarter than our cherished Ms. Granger along with having boyfriends and a very well to do social life and advanced knowledge on the latest American Fashions. We have hoped for transfer students that don't take stage immediately. We have hoped for transfer students that did not make all our male students think dirty thoughts. We have no such hope anymore for all our hopes have been squashed. Please evacuate the building immediately.

~Sincerely,
Albus 'tired of loving annoying strangers' Dumbledore, Minerva 'tired of forgiving grievous errors' McGonagall, The-boy-who-lived-only-to-be-raped-by-MS's, Draco 'disgusted at his sweetness' Malfoy, Oliver 'I'm not shagging after Quidditch Practice' Wood, Hermione 'my name is not 'Mione' Granger, Ron 'doesn't want to be upstaged by anyone besides his brother and best friend' Weasley, Neville 'tired of being made a fool' Longbottom, Sirius 'tired of being a child molester' Black, Remus 'also tired of being a child molester' Lupin, Severus 'I like rubber duckies' Snape, Tom 'tired of being brought back from time to be raped' Marvolo Riddle, and finally, 'stop killing me, that's Harry's job' Voldemort.

-- Azn Princess

The response to this was rather varied. Some transfer students cried out in joy. Others cried out in random words. Still others begged to remain so they could be a burden. And one seemed to be afflicted with multiple personalities that are common amongst these transfers. One of the persons told to leave responded in a bewildering fey like way insisting that he didn't belong here in the first place.

Some of the regular students actually professed a relief at the shoving off that Dumbledore and the others imposed upon these überpowered individuals.

Dear Professor/Big Kahuna/Overlord Dumbledore and everyone else,

I have just read your letter and I, for one, am overjoyed. Seeing as how I have not been mentioned in your list of categories, I am going to assume that you have forgotten about me and will be out of here before you (or TAO, the psychotic author who put me here in the first place) sit down to tonight's dinner.

I am so happy that I no longer have to endure the torture, the angst, confronting bad memories, and playing the designated "target" who always gets hurt while all the canon characters get to do cool things (okay, so I've been informed that TAO will be killing off Granger at the end of the first installment...but why couldn't it be me? I want out of here!).

So, in closing, I'm going to assume that your "Get Out" order applies to me as well. By the time you get this letter, I will have grabbed my cat and my footlocker and be half-way to Monte Carlo. It's been fun...no, not really...all I did was detention anyway.

I'm FREE!!!!!!

Sincerely,

Jesse "I'm outta' here!" McCade

-- The Annoying One

Dear Headmaster,

I am overly thrilled to hear you've kicked me out of Hogwarts. When I first got my letter, I was beyond annoyed. I didn't even want to start your school. Instead I was forced to join this school and be a part of it. Had I had my choice, I would have remained at my own school, and been thrilled to stay.

I say farewell. We may very well meet again. But that's another story.

Tootles,
Lenna Snape

-- DarkLadyofSlytherin

Dear Headmaster,

Your letter might very well apply to me, though I assure you the power behind my creation is working hard to try to make sure that it doesn't. I wasn't even planning on going to Hogwarts. Granted, I suppose time-traveling can be a cliché. It was, however, one that the power above wished to see if she could explore without getting caught in the rut of stereotyped characters.

I doubt I'll be breaking rules without getting caught, disrespecting Professor Snape, replacing Mr. Weasley (that would just be frightening!), outsmarting Ms. Granger (I'd like to see the person who could do that), being raped by or sexually harassing anyone (has anyone even studied these characters who are supposed to be rapists?), making Mr. Longbottom look like a fool (he's my best friend's father; why would I do that?), breaking the dress code, or otherwise taking the stage from anyone. In fact, I have to be low-key. Granted, I'm not an American transfer student, but I assume the rules still apply.

If I fall into any of these traps, I will do my best to right them, so I will not have to leave the school.

Sincerely yours,
William Weasley

-- Qui Xux

Dear Headmaster:

While I am sorry to hear of the recent events I have one thing to say: HALELUJAH!
I guess this means I can rein terror on my previous school...though I'm not popular there for things that happened. But not to worry, I will find a way. I had fun while I was here and hope that things go better. I do hope this means my engagement is off; I've grown tired of Draco. He makes a much better ferret. Do you mind if I keep him as a pet?

Sayonara~
Eudora Jadence

-- Siriuss lil Secret

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

I, Pallador, would love to return to my own time. Who was misled by a certain wizard, that the job I had been given would be much difficult. As seeing, that I am the last of my kind, being an Elf, of course, who has been displaced in time. I would greatly like to go back to my world, where I understand everything, and I can then talk in my native tongue instead of having to learn English by magic.

I am not an American transfer student. What are those? Back to the reason why I am writing to you, I feel I just may be a male version of Mary Sue, and I am forever in your debt, if you could magically send me back to my own time, where in with, I would deal with the wizard that had tricked me with the grandiose words of becoming a hero.

Though, I regret my job was to look out for Harry Potter, which I might add, I would never be able to live up to that, for an Elf and Wizards never see eye to eye on anything. If you feel, that I have reached an error in judgment, please tell my author, for she feels like I may be an example of a Gary Stu.

She has been trying to learn Sindarin, to speak to me fluently but she is failing, I feel that she has lost her mind, for she is making me pen this letter as she has been taking Nyquil Cough medicine to alleviate a very bad cold, that frankly, I think she deserves at the moment for putting me up to this.

I come begging for you to give her a fair judgment on my behalf. Her story is currently not on Fiction Alley, though she is determined to remedy this. Please see this work at harrypotterfanfiction, under the author darkwriter and please give her a decision if I Pallador, son of Panion, High Council of Arcadia am in a true sense of the word a Gary Stu.

If I prove to be such, she has agreed, with much fight on my part, to at least make me not like Gary Stu in the least. I for one am willing to go back to my own time, but as seeing as how a wizard put me here in the first place I would need one to send me back.

Last of the Elves,

Pallador

-- Darkwriter

Dear Headmaster,

I believe your last owl was addressed to the wrong party. While, admittedly, my mother was an American, I grew up in England under the care of English foster parents and I have been in attendance at your school for all my years of higher education. I have no wish to go elsewhere, currently--although, I would advise you that I could be bribed with a bit of dark chocolate, and my friends tell me Beauxbatons has a fine Divination Professor. Thank your lucky stars Firenze arrived--literally. He told me that I would have transferred there if not for his appearance in my fourth year, which is quite accurate, as I believe I've learned more than enough from Sybill Trelawney. Please, sir, do watch where your letters arrive in the future--someone might be offended.

Simply to reassure you, I will say that I wouldn't touch any of your seventh years, whether sexually or academically--though Ms. Granger's societal sensibilities are commendable and I proudly wear the badge of S.P.E.W., I've never been pleased with her disdain for my best subject, and I've no real taste for Arithmancy or Transfigurations. Even if she was in my year, I would hardly come close to surpassing her, save in an elective class which she does not even take. As for the males, well... they are, quite frankly, pathetic cowards who can't take so much as an even stare from a girl before their lips quiver and their knees shake and they scurry off to moon over the nearest sugary sweet purple-eyed maneater.

Sir, I do commend your steps to end these disturbances, but I suggest that there is more which needs to be done. At your earliest convenience, I would appreciate you sending any male students between ages 14 and 18 to Madam Pomfrey. Perhaps some Skele-grow can reform their tragically absent spines.

I thank you in advance.

Sincerely,
Morgana Valimor, sixth year Ravenclaw.

-- Wynne

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore or whatever,

This, like, bites! How dare you say these things to me? ME? I am Maryanna Suesabelle Galadriel Isis Aurora Lizzie Crystal Riddle, dammit! I helped Draco Malfoy to become one of the good guys! It was ME who discovered that all Lord Voldemort needed was a caring daughter to settle down! My wisdom, witty comments and charming eyes have richened the Harry Potter land more than... than... Cho Chang (I like, so hate her!)! I rule this place!

And, like, for your information, do you think that it's like, EASY being big breasted and gorgeous all the time? You have no idea what I've sacrificed! Do you really even know what kind of difficult choices I have to make EVERY DAY? I have to spend hours thinking of the perfect colour for my next Yule / Valentine's Day/ Halloween/ New Year's Eve Ball which would bring out the deep azure of my eyes. I have to choose between Harry, Draco, Oliver, Sirius, Remus and all the other cute guys who, like, all love me! That's really hard, y'know! And on the top of that, all the girls are like, jealous of me because I'm like, prettier and smarter than them! So there! The only way I'm willing to leave is to die dramatically in the arms of some hottie. Dammit!

Sincerely,

Your slender-waisted heroine Maryanna "Mary Sue" Suesabelle Galadriel Isis Aurora Lizzie Crystal Riddle

-- Door

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

I, Frost, won't spell my whole name because I don't like it, for one is in agreement with Pallador. He needs to be sent back to his own time, personally, he scares me. He's just a little too strange, and for that matter so am I. I'm turning into a bloody dragon and don't agree with the author of why I need to be this way. Though, the lore in which it was created is unique, and we all know what a Muggle would do if they saw a dragon to begin with.

Anyway, I'm getting away from my point, Pallador needs to go back, and please, I'm begging you, let him take me with him. So, just give us a time turner and let us go back, I rather face the wilds of the Forbidden Forest in his time than the wilds of Hogwarts as it is right now. At least Pallador wouldn't have his life in danger as such for using Elemental magic, and I for one wouldn't be turning into a Divine Dragon, because there can only be two on the earth at one time. Personally, I think you ought to use the Obliviate spell on the author.

If this doesn't work, I guess Pallador and I will have to seek asylum in the Ministry of Magic, and plead our case before the Wizengamot and seek a full court hearing. If you feel that this is all in Jest, then don't reply, I will find one way or another to stop myself from becoming this bloody dragon that I don't want to be.

Yours truly,

Fuscienne Raffaella Octavia Sebastian Thomyris

That's why I like Frost.

-- Darkwriter

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

I would like to remind you that you have given me explicit permission to continue my magical studies at Hogwarts for my protection against Lord Voldemort. It seems unfit for you to expel me, given these circumstances, and I beg of you to rethink your decision. You must know that I am descended of the Founder of the first Dutch school of magic, who was in close relation to the Founders of Hogwarts, in particular Salazar Slytherin. Need I also remind you that through my father, I am related to both Godric Gryffindor and Helga Hufflepuff -- something that I believes gives me a right to be educated at your school, regardless of my nationality. Furthermore, my mother is the Queen of the Elvin Counsel, and I believe that she could start some serious trouble for you, should you not reconsider my expulsion from Hogwarts.

Sincerely,
Charity Dagrun Gryon

-- Cassandra Lunar

Dear Headmaster:

I received your letter and I'm happy as much as I'm a bit pissed off, pissed because 0.001% of the kids you kicked out are not as "gifted" as the rest of the Galadriels and Legolases in the lot.

And happy because personally I'll use what I have learned here to create a necromancer's school which I'll call "The Blight Academy" and teach my students how to create armies of undead.

Sincerely

OCs that are "normal"

P.S: MY first army of undead will be created with the 99.9% of the MS's you kicked out, since they're too effing perfect.

-- Cygnus Darius

For the most part, those that replied with joy at leaving Hogwarts were rebuked and told that they would have to stay, no matter what. This would obviously lead to a bunch of whining and moaning, so the canon characters stuffed huge cotton balls in their ears and fell asleep waiting for the deluge of complaints.

Dear Jesse "I'm outta' here!" McCade,

On the contrary, we will be holding you hostage.

~Sincerely,
Albus 'I'll get you and your little dog too!' Dumbledore.

Dear Lenna Snape,

Your expulsion is being discussed. Instead, we have suspended you for a week and you will be on probation for the next three weeks afterwards, being carefully watched by Mrs. Norris.

~Sincerely,
Harry 'my psychiatrist says doing this will help me get over the rape' Potter

Dear William Weasley,

Hm, as long as I don't catch you sexually harassing or raping anyone in the hallways, you may stay. Mrs. Norris is watching you.

~Sincerely,
Hermione 'My purpose is not to hate for their flaw' Granger.