Your First Year Wet Himself

Chapter Eight

Harry returned to the side of the road to find a sleeping Draco, wearing the little boxers with the lightning bolts on them and a T-shirt with a picture of himself, blonde hair styled perfectly and skin unnaturally clear, with the words "This Is Your Brain" written on the front. He was snoring most unpleasantly. Draco rolled over, and it was possible for Harry to see what was written on the back. A picture of the Boy Wonder waved at him, one that he recognized as having appeared in the Daily Prophet along with the interview he gave about what happened during the Tri-Wizard Tournament. Underneath, he could read the words "This Is Your Brain on Drugs". Harry quickly charmed it so that the pictures were reversed and Draco's portrait bore the caption "This Is You Brain on Drugs". Draco would be royally pissed when he awoke.

Harry remembered their 'guest' and looked around for him. He was no where to be seen. A muffled grunt came from somewhere above him to his left. He whipped out his wand and whirled, prepared to battle anything that came his way, be it human or not. Of course, when he came face to face with a midget tied to a tree, he felt rather stupid. Rather than untie it, god forbid it had done something horrible to Draco and therefore Draco had felt the need to tie it, Harry turned and gave the other boy a swift kick in the ribs.

"AHHHHHHH" Draco curled up on himself, gasping for breath. "WHAT WAS THAT FOR??" Harry smiled.

"Good morning! Even though it isn't morning, it's more of a late evening... but anyway, I brought food!" Draco sat up, rubbing his ribs, and looked at Harry disdainfully.

"Food?" he asked tentatively.

"Yes, food." Harry threw a muggle grocery bag down at his feet. "Oh, why did you tie up the midget?" he added casually.

"I wanted to sleep. It was staring at me." Now, this was the stupidest excuse Harry had ever heard, mostly because the thing was unconscious. Still.

"He was unconscious!" Harry said, exasperated.

"He was still staring. It freaked me out. His eyes were open. And he still hasn't woken up." Draco said with disgust.

"Oh, well I can fix that. I conveniently remembered I'm a wizard, and we have spells to wake people up!" Harry looked awfully proud of himself.

"We do?" Draco said doubtfully.

"Of course! I figured you, of all people, would know." Harry looked confused.

Draco chuckled.

"I don't do anything for myself," he said, "not even color my own hair. You think I would do my own work, when I have others who will do it for me?" He looked at Harry like he was crazy. "Yeah right!"

"Oh." Harry smirked. "Then I know more than you!" he said with relish, before turning to the suspended midget and yelling "Enervate!¨ The midget blinked stupidly a few times, before yawning, shaking his head, and starting where he left off.

"I AM THE GREAT SHAZOOM!!" He yelled in his booming voice, unlike one commonly heard from someone his size. Of course, four year old kids were his size and you mostly heard them saying "Mommy, mommy I was some candy!!" So it was rather remarkable in a sense.

Both Harry and Draco raised their eyebrows. Actually, Draco only rose one, his left one, and smirked in satisfaction when Harry attempted to raise one, struggled, and finally ended up raising them both. Some things never change.

"Shazoom?" Draco said. "What kind of name is Shazoom?"

"A MUCH BETTER ONE THAN DRACO! DRACO SOUNDS LIKE A SNEEZE IF YOU SAY IT FAST!" The midget laughed gleefully in his perch above their heads, kicking his legs and waving his arms and hoping that the rope around his middle didn't break, because he didn't much fancy midget pancakes.

Draco thought about what the midget said. Did he name really sound like a sneeze when said fast? He tried it out, holding the last syllable out longer, then the first. His bottom lip quivered. His name did sound like a sneeze! He had brought shame to the house of Malfoy! Not like it wasn't shamed already... but that's beside the point. I have to be strong he thought. I can't let things like him get to me. He took a deep breath.

"Who are you again?" he said, his voice still shaky. God, nervous breakdowns were hard

"SHAZOOM!" the little man cried, and clapped his hands like a little kid who heard their dad swear, and then he hoped the kid didn't hear, but it did and it goes "Bitch! Bitch! Bitch!" over and over gleefully and somehow it knows, it knows than mommy with be pissed and does the little devil really want daddy to sleep on the couch?

"So then, Shazoom, what brings you here?" Harry said.

"DOOM!! IMPENDING DOOM!" Shazoom said. "WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!" Then, an insane look crept over his tiny features and he began talking fluently to the tree. In tree. Not English. He made creaking noises and waved his arms like branches and looked really stupid. It was beginning to scare Harry, so he took out his wand and yelled "Transportamous!" Instantly, the little midget was gone. A still shaky looking Draco, looking slightly ruffled from sleep and utterly ridiculous in the lightning bolt boxers, decided to speak up.

"What did you do?" he asked.

"I transported him to a very steep cliff where many many people 'accidentally' fall off. I figured he might like the view," Harry smirked.

"I would have transported him OVER the cliff," a very disgruntled Draco said.

"Touché," Harry said, with an amused look at him, still sitting on the ground. "Didn't like the sneeze comment now did we?"

"No," Draco mumbled, and began to rummage around in the food bag. He dropped it with a scream.

"OH MY GOD! HARRY! THERE ARE LITTLE FISH IN THERE!! OH MY GOD!!" Draco scuttled away, while Harry calmly walked up, opened the bag, pulled out a sardine and popped it raw into his mouth. Draco screamed again and fainted.

"Interesting," Harry remarked, "I'll have to remember that one." He popped another fishy into his mouth, closed the can, and said "Enervate!" and with a flick of his wand Draco was again conscious and refused to come anywhere near Harry.

"You ATE that FISH!" he shrieked, "RAW! Do you have ANY idea where that's BEEN?"

"Nope," Harry replied cheerfully.

"Ahh! You kissed you girlfriend with that mouth!!" Draco's exquisite features had rarely seen a look of such utmost disgust and shock. Harry grinned.

"Not just her mouth"

Draco yelled in exasperation and climbed under the pile of blankets where he had previously been curled, mumbling something about ways to murder people with fish in a can. His resounding snores were soon flooding the quiet forest with noise. Harry followed suit, changing into his pajamas and falling asleep to the constant rhythm of Draco's nasal inadequacies and the soft comforting noises of the forest.

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Meanwhile, back at the castle......

"Lemon drop?" Dumbledore asked.

"Not now, you crazy old coot!" McGonagall barked "We have work to do! We need to send reinforcements out to those two poor boys out in the middle of everywhere! Who knows what happened to them!"

"Right." Dumbledore popped a little yellow candy into his mouth, and turned to his other side. "Lemon drop?"

Snape just glared menacingly. "Okay then," Dumbledore said cheerily. "More for me!" And he popped half the bowl into his mouth.

McGonagall continued ranting on ways to help our heroes, Dumbledore continued eating, and Snape continued glaring. Remus Lupin picked his nose, and Tonks changed her nose to resemble her butt and then back. Remus thought it was a rather cute butt. McGonagall didn't notice. Slowly, unsteadily, Tonks raised her hand.

"Professor?" she asked, "Do we even know why she was taken?"

"Well, no." McGonagall admitted. "But we did bomb some military bases. Well, trees. And we interrogated a gazelle!" She said hopefully.

"Ahh. Shouldn't we figure out the reason before we make a plan of action?" Tonks replied meekly.

"DON'T CONTRADICT ME! I KNOW THINGS YOU CANNOT EVEN IMMAGINE KNOWING!" She screamed, flecks of spit embedding themselves in Tonks' hair. "Now," she continued in a normal voice. "Our next order of business is to determine why the Weasley girl was taken, before we do anything else." Tonks pouted. Lupin picked. Snape glowered. And Dumbledore ate. Business had resumed.

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In the infirmary, Ron and Hermione had awoken, and been told that Harry was currently on a secret mission with Draco. They promptly fainted again.