Your First Year Wet Himself

Chapter 7- Through the Woods

"Right, I've decided. Let's go." Draco bounded down the path to fall in step with Harry as they walked through the front gates. They strode on in silence for about ten minutes, watching the scenery, the ground, the sky, anything except their companion. As they walked, they passed through Hogsmeade, and past the rolling countryside, until they gradually were walking in a dark and gloomy woods.

"Potter," Draco whined, "I'm tired." Draco put on his best sad puppy look. Harry was unfazed.

"And what am I supposed to do about that?" He rose and eyebrow and continued walking. Draco stopped where he was in the middle of the road.

"Carry me, of course!" he said, like this was the most natural thing in the world. Harry spun on his heel and threw his hands up in exasperation.

"CARRY YOU? ARE YOU INSANE?" He looked at Draco like he was some sort of terrible yet intriguing new creature of Hagrid's for a moment, before turning and continuing walking. Draco stayed where he was, pouting, until Harry had turned a corner and was out of sight. He fidgeted, wringing his hands and shifting his weight. The trees creaked and groaned on either side, casting creepy shadows across the road. Draco could almost hear the whizzing of the chainsaw and the footsteps of the psychotic half-man half-beast coming to murder him, before sprinting down the road after him.

"HARRY!! HARRY WAIT!! DON'T LEAVE ME I'LL WALK!! HARRRRYYY!!" Draco flew around the corner and crashed into Harry's back, sending him sprawling across the grass by the side of the road, where he remained, unmoving. Draco whimpered again, and poked Harry with a long stick. "Harry? Are you dead?" he asked, and poked him again, more insistently this time.

"Poke me again and I will cut off your balls and use them to play Gobstones. Understand?" Harry mumbled into the dirt where his face was planted. Draco jumped back and seemed to shiver at the thought, before regaining his Malfoy façade which he had discarded somewhere down the road where he had been screaming "HARRY WAIT HARRY SAVE ME!"

"Understood. And a gold star for imagination," he smirked, once again ice cold and untouchable, grabbing his bag from where he had thrown it and slinging it over his shoulder. Harry too rose and dusted himself off, grabbing his wand from where it had flown out of his hand. Slinging his bag onto his back, he shrugged his shoulders and headed out down the road. Draco grumbled about running around in the mud with disgusting Gryffindors and followed. Again, they resumed walking in silence, until, coming the other direction towards them; they spotted a small man weaving his way down the road.

"Harry?" Draco asked. He had been remembering the chainsaw-wielding maniac of whom he had previously thought and consequently was slightly wary of their fellow traveler, "What is that?" Harry tried not to laugh, and ended up snorting in a most uncivilized way. Draco wrinkled his nose, and questioned again why he was in the middle of no where with him.

"That, my dear Watson, is a drunk-as-shit... leprechaun?" Harry squinted, took off his glasses, cleaned them, and they returned them to the bridge of his nose.

"That's not a leprechaun!" Draco said superiorly. "That's a midget!" At the word midget, Harry squealed and hurled himself behind Draco, grabbing the backs of his robes and peering frightfully over his shoulder, mumbling something along the lines of "Don't let him get me, don't let him get me, don't..."

"Get off!" Draco shook the still-shivering Harry from his back, and turned to face the tiny man in front of them. "You know," Draco pondered, "he doesn't seem very drunk, just... well... odd," he finished, still looking curiously at the little man. As he came closer, it was evident that he was not drunk, but he still looked like crap. His face needed a shave, the not-quite-visible stubble catching the light and giving his face an unhealthy greenish tinge. His nose was squashed, like that of a pug that had smashed into a wall one time to many, and his eyes were buried under his voluminous eyebrows. He wove across the road with his head down, as if he was looking for something in the dirt. His hair, once probably brown, was matted and caked with mud, twigs, and leaves. His clothes were not really identifiable as clothes; they looked more like piles of rags attached haphazardly across his body.

"You there!" Draco called out. The little man raised his head and looked at them. Draco waved his arm, getting the man's attention, and Harry turned tail and hid behind a tree, still shaking.

"HEY!" Draco repeated. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" The man tripped over his... err... clothes to get to Draco. When he got closer, the boys realized that he wasn't stumbling; he was strutting, rather like a peacock, and taking his grand old time doing it. When he finally got there, he cackled at the boys (yes, cackled) and gave them an appraising look.

"The question, boys, is not what I am doing here, it is what you are doing here," he said. Draco raised himself up to his full height (a great deal taller than the midget, but still shorter than the cowering Harry)

"I am not a boy," Draco said, looking immensely pleased with himself, "I am a man."

"You're a boy, and a pathetic one at that," the old midget replied, looking faintly amused at Draco's attempt to intimidate him. Draco was infuriated.

"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO YOU ARE TALKING TO??" he screamed, waving his arms as an angry flush crept up the neck of his robes, spreading over his well defined cheekbones.

"Draconis Lucifer Malfoy, of course," said the midget, who was strangely not fazed in the slightest. Draco stopped his ranting at once, and broke into a huge grin.

"So, word of my fame has even reached the lowest levels of life, then?" he said, still grinning. This angered the midget. He threw back the rags, revealing stunningly white robes and raised his arms, effectively dimming the little light that breached the heavy branches.

"DRACONIS MALFOY!!" the midget screamed in a deep, reverberating tone. Harry screamed again, and ran further into the woods with a wailing cry of "AHHHHH GANDALF!!" Neither the midget nor Draco, who was now cowering (which was hard to do since the thing he was cowering from was two feet below him) in the wake of the tiny little man, noticed.

"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM??" he continued in the same voice. Draco just shook his head and whimpered, as the immensely ferocious midget waved his arms around and great gusts of wind had Draco's hair standing on end. Harry, in a great bout of courage, had grabbed a large, heavy hardcover book from in Draco's bad (he had dropped it) and was creeping up behind mini-man, and looked like he was intending to smash him over the head.

"I AM THE GRE-"

SMASH

Harry had brought the book down over his head, effectively cutting of the end of his sentence. He cackled madly, mumbling something like "kill the midget". Draco, however, looked enraged.

"What did you go and do that for?" he said haughtily. Harry looked taken aback.

"Shouldn't you be thanking me? I did just save you from the wrath of the pissed of midget. Who, by the way, YOU PISSED OFF!" He folded his arms across his chest in defiance.

"Well, yes, that was all good," Draco said thoughtfully, "although it might have been nice to find out who he was before rendering him unconscious."

"Oh," Harry looked thoughtful. "I didn't think of that."

"Obviously." Draco rolled his eyes and dragged the unconscious lump onto the grass. He then noticed Harry was eyeing the book that was still in his hands rather thoughtfully.

"Draco..." he started, "is this what I think it is?" A small smile played across his lips. Draco hastily grabbed the book back and stuffed it in his bag.

"No, now keep your bloody paws to yourself," he scowled, and promptly sat down on the edge of the road.

"I am pretty sure that was what I thought it was," Harry teased, and watched as an uncomfortable flush crept up Draco's neck onto his cheeks.

"It was not!!" Malfoy replied indignantly. Harry was unscathed. He plopped down on the grass beside his companion.

"Malfoy," he said, a smile evident in his voice, "why are you reading How to Be a Happy Homosexual?" Harry asked, like it was the most normal thing in the world.

"I WASN'T READING IT!!" he bellowed, "I WAS JUST USING IT TO KEEP MY PICTURE OF GINNY FROM GETTING WRINKLED!!"

"Oh," Harry said, and leaned back on his elbows so he was looking up at the other boy. He was thoroughly enjoying making him twitch with humiliation and anger. "Then where did you get it?" he asked innocently.

"Igotitfrommydad" Draco replied very quickly and muffled into his sleeve.

"Where?" Harry had honestly not heard, otherwise he wouldn't have made him repeat it. That was just nasty.

"I GOT IT FROM MY DAD!" Draco was screaming again. "HAPPY NOW?"

"Oh," Harry said for the umpteenth time, "I'm sorry, I didn't know..."

"Well, how else do you think such a moron got to be You-Know-Who's right hand man? God knows he certainly doesn't have the talent. I mean, magical talent. Like, with a wand. I mean, not that kind of wand but..." Draco rambled on until Harry smashed an arm into his chest to get him to shut up

"That's disgusting." He wrinkled his nose.

"You think I don't know it? I mean, god my father talks about upholding the family honor all day, and then weasels his way into someone else's pants for a bit of power all night," Draco's nose formed an almost identical wrinkle. Draco tossed the book in the direction of his bag. Just then, the midget regained consciousness, sat up, and said,

"I AM THE GRE-" before being hit in the head with the book Draco had just tossed, and falling back to the ground.

"DAMNIT!" Draco proceeded to let loose a string of swears involving a hippogriff, a stapler, and various other random objects.

"Can you even do that with a broomstick?" Harry asked when Draco was done.

"No," he replied, "I tried to hex one into doing it to Goyle once, but it broke. He couldn't walk for a week though," Draco finished, brightening slightly at the memory. "Harry," he continued, frowning again, "I'm hungry." Harry snorted.

"And what am I supposed to do about that?"

"Get me food, of course." Draco looked at him like this was the most obvious thing in the world.

"There's food in our bags. Feed yourself." Harry went back to lying on the ground, staring at the sky and waiting for the much-feared midget to awaken.

"Well, you see..." Draco started off nervously. Harry did have a reputation for angry blowouts. "I got a bit hungry, and well...."

"You ate all the food," Harry finished, his voice void on any emotion.

"Well, you could say that, yes." Draco stared at him nervously.

"What in the hell possessed me to let you come along?" Harry's voice was still dangerously quiet.

"You did it out of the goodness of your heart?" Draco asked hopefully.

"No, I did it because killing annoying little bastards might not go over well with the Ministry, even if it was you I killed, and even if I am the Boy-Who-Lived."

"Oh." Draco stared into space. Harry hauled himself to his feet, grabbed his cloak and bag and started down the road.

"HARRY!! WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING!!" Draco scrambled to his feet. Harry stopped in the middle of the road, and turned slowly to face Draco.

"To get you food, you numbskull. The people in Hogsmeade said there should be another village just along the way. Draco hurriedly gathered up his things.

"I'm coming with you," he said.

"No," Harry countered, "you have to stay incase he wakes up." Harry gestured vaguely to the pair of stubbly legs protruding from a pile of rags. Draco stopped moving around and looked up, horrified at Harry.

"You wouldn't," he gasped.

"Wouldn't what?"

"Wouldn't leave me here. Alone. In the scary forest."

"Oh, that's where you're wrong," Harry grinned evilly. "I would." And he turned and walked out of sight.

Draco whimpered.