Your First Year Wet Himself

Harry shoved Hannah against the door to the quidditch shed, and molded his mouth to hers. Tongues intertwined, hands met skin, clothing met ground, and a very naked Draco Malfoy stuck his head out of the door.

"Scuse me?" he said, and tapped Harry on the shoulder. His usually impeccable hair was ruffled and disheveled, and his pale skin was flushed pink. "Right, Potter I know you're the Boy-Who-Lived and all, but we are trying to have a shag here, and all this banging is kind of distracting." He looked expectantly at Harry, who momentarily looked around as if he had forgotten where he was and why Draco was there.

"But we booked the shed," Harry said.

"You... booked... the shed?" Draco raised an eyebrow.

"Yes, we booked it from 3:00PM to 6:00PM." He looked at Draco like he had grown another head. "Check the list."

"The list?"

Harry shook his head and reached inside the shed to pull out a brown clipboard with sheets of paper attached. He squinted at the page and ran a finger over the lists of names.

"Ackerly & Bones....Creevey & Weasley.... Voldie & Snape... Voldie and Snape? Uhg. That's just gross... Ahh, here we are... Potter and Abbot, 3:00PM to 6:00PM." Harry showed the sheet to Draco, pointing out their names.

"Oh. Well. Can I have just a moment then?" Draco disappeared into the shed without waiting for an answer. Hannah and Harry went back to their snogging. In a moment, Draco, with his god-like body walked proudly out of the shed wearing nothing but a quaffle strategically placed in front of the family jewels. Blaise followed, wearing a towel and two bludgers as a coconut bra. Keep in mind, bludgers like ramming into things. Couldn't have been comfortable. She winced as they rocketed around in her hands. Draco, in all his pale naked glory, stalked unconcerned into the castle without once looking back.

"Remind me to always bring extra clothes," Harry said, and pulled Hannah into the recently vacated space.

Meanwhile, in the castle..........

Ron staggered downstairs to an empty common room, with exception of SeamusandDean, who were snogging madly on one of the couches.

"Like bloody rabbits, they are..." the other lone occupant of the room heard him say. Hermione turned in her chair.

"You should talk, going and shagging a random fourth year that no one bothered to learn the name of because they are not that important right after you fight with me!" Hermione scoffed at him. Ron would have retorted, I'm sure, if the portrait hole had not flown off it hinges, and a tall, emaciated man stepped through it. He was deathly pale, even paler than Malfoy, and his hair was jet black, hanging limply to his shoulders. His eyes gleamed completely black, no white, no other colors, no variations, just black. When he looked at Ron, Ron felt as if he could see right through him into his soul. There was something decidedly inhuman about this man.

"Hermione..." Ron whispered, "What is he?"

"Vampire..." she answered. Ron swallowed loudly.

"Oh shit..." Slowly, they backed up away from it, but it was to no avail. The vampire rose his hand and Ron saw a blinding white light, and then...

...Nothing

Needless to say, no one was around to see the vampire slink up the girl's staircase, and return minutes later with yet another unconscious Weasley thrown haphazardly over his shoulder.

As Draco flounced proudly through the castle, the girls (and a good amount of the boys) fainted after catching just a glance of his large amount of exposed flawless pale skin. He was currently standing on a table in the Great Hall, posing for the large crowd that had gathered, watching as one by one they fell unconscious. Suddenly, a first year, Draco couldn't remember the name, went up in flames. Completely incinerated. Draco winced, hopped off the table, and began counting the number of bodies strewn on the floor. Thirty-seven! A new high! He wondered how to score the pile of ashes. Add points, or subtract them? Something tells me it's bad to send people up into flames... As he pondered, Snape and McGonagall strode through the doors, spotted him, and nearly ran over. Draco repositioned his Quaffle. Upon reaching him, both passed out.

"Interesting..." Draco headed off towards the dorms, but was sidetracked by voices in the teachers lounge.

"Ginny Weasley...vampires.... Dumbledore...sending...Potter... find him... save her..."

Draco put the scraps of words together, and ran off towards the dungeons to get dressed.

"What do you MEAN Mr. Potter is not in his rooms?" McGonagall paced Dumbledore's office in fury. Professor Flitwick cowered in fear.

"Well, it appears he is out of the tower, as are most of the children on such a nice day..." Flitwick wrung his hands in a particularly Dobby-like way.

"GO FIND POTTER!!" Flitwick turned tail and sprinted out of the office.

Flitwick sprinted out of the castle as fast as his short legs could, flying across the grounds and screaming at the top of his lungs,

"HARRY POTTER ARE YOU OUT HERE??" He turned around, as he heard thuds and muffled shouts coming from inside the quidditch shed. He ran over and ripped open the door to the quidditch shed.

"HARRY!! HARRY THEY TOOK GINNY!! VAMPIRES TOOK GINNY!"

A very naked Harry and an even nakeder Hannah sprang apart and jumped behind the chests that held the quidditch equipment.

"PROFESSOR!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!! I SIGNED THE FUCKING LIST!! I HAVE A FUCKING HOUR LEFT!!! NOW GET OUT!!" he bellowed, narrowing his eyes.

"BUT THEY STOLE GINNY!! THE VAMPIRES THEY STOLE GINNY!! WHAT ABOUT GINNY??" Flitwick looked about ready to have a panic attack.

"I DON'T CARE!!! WE WERE BUSY!!!" Harry screamed, and got up with the intention of making a Flitwick pancake, but was stopped by Hannah, who had the decency to get dressed.

"No, Harry, you better go save her. It is your job and all. Good day, Professor," she said and slipped out the door.

"NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID!! THAT WAS A BLOODY GOOD SHAG YOU MIDGET!!" Harry rose to his feet and began jumping around in rage.

"M-Mr. Potter?" Flitwick stuttered.

"WHAT?" Flitwick winced, and looked at Harry very uncomfortably.

"P-P-Please put some clothes on... Or else I'm going to have a very unfortunate problem..."

Harry screamed and slammed the door in his face.

*******************

The two of them sat uncomfortably in Dumbledore's office, Harry leaning as far away from Flitwick as he could, and Flitwick blushing every time Harry crossed, uncrossed, or re-crossed his legs. Dumbledore watched all this obliviously; he was trying to tie a cherry stem in a knot with his tongue. McGonagall finally gave an exasperated sign and told Harry what had happened. She handed him his bag, Harry James Potter embroidered on the front, full of food and a few extra pairs of clothes and an extra cloak and a map and that nifty knife Sirius had given him.

"Professor?" Harry asked, looking up from his bag. "You remembered to pack me underwear right? Because I can't do anything without my underwear. What if I get a wedgie?"

"Potter... If you need addition underwear, then transfigure yourself some. Provided, of course you paid at least some attention in my class?" McGonagall raised her eyebrows, which just made her numerous wrinkles seem even more pronounced.

"Of course Professor, I'll just be off now..." Harry walked towards the door, sidestepped a very flustered Professor Flitwick, and headed off towards the front doors. Just as he reached them, a large blonde blur smashed into him from the side.

"Not even out of the bloody school and someone's already tried to kill me," Harry muttered as he stood up, and looked down on Malfoy who was still lying on the ground, next to a bag similar to Harry's, with a pair of boxers with little lightning bolts hanging out of it. "Well, doesn't this look familiar? Night shorts ferret."

"Hey, I didn't pay attention in Transfiguration, I had to bring enough to last me," Draco gasped as he got to his feet, shoving his clothing and a book that looked suspiciously like How to Be a Happy Homosexual into his bag.

"Last you until what?" Harry asked skeptically.

"I'm coming with you," Draco replied.

"You're what?"

"Coming. With. You. Potter. Understand?" Draco spoke as if he was speaking to a particularly stupid three year old. He was used to it; he spoke like that to Crabbe and Goyle daily.

"But, why?" Harry asked. He couldn't comprehend why Draco Malfoy, his worst enemy, (and best drinking buddy) would want to come with him on a mission to rescue a Weasley, who he supposedly despised.

"Because I'm in love with her, of course. What did you think?" Draco looked at Harry like you might look at a extremely dense hippogriff.

"I... You love her?"

"Yes, of course, you think Blaise can think of any good insults? NO! You think Blaise says 'SHUT UP MALFOY' with as much vigor and hatred? NO!" Draco waved his arms for emphasis.

"Well, that's not exactly what I look for in a girl, but, I guess being a sadistic bastard means you have different tastes." Harry started down the steps, before turning when he realized he was along.

"Well, are you coming or what?"

"I just realized that I am about to walk off into the sunset to rescue a poor-as-shit damsel in distress with the bloody Boy-Who-Lived. I am currently considering suicide, give me another minute to mull it over," Draco said. Both boys stood staring at each other for close to five minutes, before Draco followed Harry down the stairs.

"Right, I've decided. Let's go."