Your First Year Wet Himself

Draco hauled his sorry ass out of bed around noon Sunday morning. It took him a good ten minutes to remember the events of the previous night, and Blaise's 'accident'. He promptly ran down to the common room, and hastily scribbled a note for her. He read and re-read it over and over to make sure it was perfect. It was. He wrote it; of course it couldn't be anything less. It read:

Dear Blaise-

I am afraid that it is time we should see other people. Sadly enough, I am afraid I am not interested in girls with bladder control problems. Buy a bag of Depends and some medication and then come see me.

Your disgustingly peed-on ex boyfriend,

Draco Malfoy

Yes, that would be the perfect way to let her down. Firm, yet caring. Just the way he liked to think of himself. He tacked the note to her door, and then rushed back to his own dorm to shower and get read to meet Professor Snape in the dungeons for an extra credit potions assignment. He really hoped it wouldn't take long, because he had a bad hangover and wanted nothing more than a nice dark room and a day of sleep. He stripped and stepped into the shower, letting the water cascade over his unhealthily pale skin. He shampooed his hair (repeatedly, can't have bad hair when you're a Malfoy) then dyed it (repeatedly, can't have brown hair when you're a Malfoy) then tied a fuzzy white towel around his waist and stepped into the bathroom. He then proceeded to pluck his previously perfectly plucked eyebrows (repeatedly, can't have a uni-brow when you're a Malfoy), shave the nearly invisible bit of peach fuzz on his chin (repeatedly, can't have peach fuzz when you're a Malfoy), and moisturize his face with no less than six different creams and exfoliates (repeatedly, can't have bad skin when you're a Malfoy). When he was done, he puffed out his chest and spent nearly half an hour studying himself and telling himself how beautiful he was. It was hard to keep up the traditional Malfoy arrogance, and he occasionally needed to pump himself up a bit. Finally, he returned to his dorm to get dressed. He grabbed a pair of boxers, and struggled to pull them on. Midway through, he noticed his leather chastity belt lying on his dresser. He stopped his assault on the boxers, and put it on instead. Then, he resumed getting dressed. Checking himself in the mirror one last time, he pronounced himself fit to go out, and slunk out into the dungeons.

He didn't quite pay attention to where he was going, and he pulled open what he thought was the door to Snape's private chambers (where he had been told to report) to find not Snape, but Crabbe and Goyle both attempting to grope a blonde Gryffindor girl, who looked more than a little bored. The trolls were bad at groping. Actually, the girl seemed more than a little interested in drawing on her olive green canvas sneakers.

"May I ask why you are allowing both of my bodyguards to grope you, while you study you feet? Most girls only let one," he inquired, and raised one eyebrow. He always prided himself in being able to raise one eyebrow, something Potter couldn't do. Bloody Gryffindor looked like a moron whenever he tried. Not much different from usual, come to think of it.

"Well," she began, seemingly ignoring giant wandering hands, "I couldn't decide which one to have grope me, so I decided to have them both." Here she smirked in a decidedly Un-Gryffindor way. "Also, I was kind of hoping that with both of them together, they might form a brain cell and might be capable of forming words. I was wrong. So very wrong. So tell me, Slytherin Sex God, how do manage with such morons as friends?" Draco's one eyebrow had nearly risen into his perfect hairline, as random hand pinched random part and this bizarre muggle-shoe wearing girl didn't seem to notice.

"I, of course, have myself. It keeps me sane," Draco said, and restored his eyebrow to its normal position.

"Of course. If you don't mind, Adonis, this is slightly embarrassing, and I would prefer that it be done where no one would see. That is why I chose the door next to Professor Snape's private chambers, figuring no one would come here. Obviously he has more visitors than I thought." She gave him an appraising look. "Pity, too. You could have made so many women happy."

"I am visiting Professor Snape for extra credit in Potions, nothing else!" he replied haughtily.

"Of course," Random Girl said as she closed the door on him. "And I'm Prince Charles. Nice to meet you." The door closed and he was alone in the hallway. Bloody Gryffindors...

Draco opened the door to Snape's quarters, and entered. He was totally unprepared for what he saw. Everything was.... Pink.

"I must be in the wrong room," Draco muttered and turned to leave.

"Oh, but my sexy, erm, sweet boy, you aren't. Welcome to my humble abode!" a very drunken Snape said, and threw an arm round Draco's shoulders, leading him further in and throwing him onto the couch. Snape sat opposite. Draco noticed on the copy table a hardcover of How to Be a Happy Homosexual. All of a sudden he was very uncomfortable.

"So, Draco, about this extra credit...." Snape began. "It will not be a potion. It will be more a...test of where your loyalties lay. Tell me, do you trust me?" Draco merely nodded. "Good.... Very good..."

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Draco lie in bed later that night, feeling eternally grateful to his beloved chastity belt. Snape had eventually pinned him to the couch, stripped him, and then encountered the belt. Screaming in rage, he threw Draco out.

"Professor?" Draco had asked meekly, "What about---"

"AND THERE WILL BE NO EXTRA CREDIT! NOW GET OUT!!" Snape had turned an unnatural sort of purple, and Draco left in a hurry. He was not anxious to go to potions tomorrow. He rolled over onto his side, and snuggled deeper under the covers. I think I'll write Blaise another note. Or, come crying to her and tell her about what happened with Snape. Yes, and then maybe she'll make me feel better in the Quidditch shed after dinner...

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Meanwhile, in Gryffindor Tower....

"I HATE YOU!"

"YEAH? WELL I HATE YOU MORE!!"

Ron and Hermione stood at opposite ends of the common room, screaming at the top of their lungs, both approximately the same color as Ron's hair.

"Trouble in paradise?" SeamusandDean (not Seamus and Dean, because that would imply that they actually were apart for more than thirty seconds at a time).

"I think they're fighting over the remote," Harry replied, and raised an eyebrow at the words being said. Hermione told Ron to do something Harry was not sure was physically possible (but Dumbledore and Frodo can assure them that it is...)

"I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!" screamed Hermione, and she ran up to her dorm as Ron collapsed onto the couch. A random fourth year that no one bothered to learn the name of because they are not that important walked down the girl's stair at about the same time, spotted Ron looking dejected on the couch, and immediately attempted to walk like a supermodel, shoving out her chest and attempting to strut, looking a bit like a turkey. On second thought, a lot like a turkey. She reached him, and cooed in his ear, and then she slowly pulled him to his feet whilst attaching her mouth to his.

"Come with me Ron. Let me cheer you up," Harry distinctly heard her say. Harry raised his eyebrows as Ron gave him two thumbs up as he was forcefully shoved up the stairs. Moments later, Hermione came flying down the stairs.

"RONNIKINS!! I'M READY TO FORGIVE YOU NOW!!" She screamed, and looked around for him. Upon noticing his absence, she pouted.

"Erm, Mione, you're about a minute to late. A random fourth year that no one bothered to learn the name of because she was not that important stole him and is presently shagging him in his dorm." Harry tried to let her down as easy as possible. She ran back up the stairs sobbing.

"Nice," said SeamusandDean, as they smirked at him "Don't worry, they'll get together eventually. And at least Ron will get to drink the next time you guys play I Never. Bloody embarrassing to be sixteen, best friend to the savior of the wizarding world, and still be a bloody virgin."