Rating:
15
House:
Riddikulus
Ships:
Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter Lucius Malfoy/Severus Snape
Characters:
Draco Malfoy Albus Dumbledore Harry Potter
Genres:
Humor Slash
Era:
The Harry Potter at Hogwarts Years
Spoilers:
Philosopher's Stone Chamber of Secrets Prizoner of Azkaban Goblet of Fire Order of the Phoenix
Stats:
Published: 10/19/2007
Updated: 10/15/2008
Words: 26,418
Chapters: 22
Hits: 11,944

The Hogwarts Poets' Society

Sara Myles

Story Summary:
Dumbledore forms a Poets' society and invites a strange array of people, but nobody knows why! And then he gets a twinkle in his eye that can only mean one thing: A Plan of Imminent Doom! Oh no! *slash*

Chapter 17 - Cactus, Or Ambiguous Plurals

Chapter Summary:
Ron has managed a bit of magic that nobody thought he was capable of. The problem is, he didn't really mean to do it.
Posted:
04/24/2008
Hits:
278


As far back as he could remember, Ron had never seen himself in such a pickle. And oh, what a pickle it was.

His best friend was hiding in a broom cupboard. Of course, this wasn't nearly as shocking as the fact that his best friend had apparently willingly shagged Draco Malfoy. Draco Malfoy! Of all the people he had to shag, it had to be Draco Malfoy!


"Harry, are you okay?" Ron called uncertainly. Something shattered against the door of the broom cupboard. "I'll take that as a no."

On top of this, Hermione was being mean. And spending time with Snape! Was nothing sacred anymore? Couldn't one thing, just one rule of existence, stay the same?

"I can't take this!" shouted Ron. His whole world was topsy-turvy, and he didn't quite know what to do with himself! He flicked his wand while thinking very hard about the Alohomora spell. Instead of unlocking the broom cupboard, however, Ron turned into a cactus.

He was the stereotypical cactus. You know, the kind you always see in cartoons. Later on, it would be assumed that Ron transformed into this particular type of cactus because it was the only kind of cactus he had ever seen. Therefore, he probably assumed that all cacti resembled this. He was about four feet tall, much shorter than his normal human height to be sure, but large enough to require a large and heavy terra cotta pot for his roots to rest it.

The door didn't open, he thought glumly. He didn't really notice that he was a cactus. He felt different, but he didn't really pay attention to that.

About twenty minutes after that, Harry opened the door and ventured out of the cupboard.

Ah, now the door is open, Ron thought, and he was content.

"We're going to be late for--for--Ron?" Harry looked around. He didn't see his best friend, though he had though Ron was standing outside the door, trying to convince him to come out. Hadn't it been Ron who had asked him if he was okay?

Harry looked up and down the deserted hallway.

"He must have gone to class," said Harry. Then he stubbed his toe on Ron's pot.

Ow, that hurt, thought Ron. Doesn't he see me here? Sheesh.

It did not occur to him that Harry would have noticed him after stubbing his toe.

"Who put this cactus here?" Harry asked aloud. He was in no hurry to get to class now that he was already late. He didn't think it would make a huge difference, missing an hour instead of 45 minutes. He would just go to the class after this. It makes more sense that way.

Harry was a bit uncomfortable. He wasn't used to being all alone like this. It was peaceful. No bickering friends, no enemies, no Plans of Imminent Doom, no Evil Things chasing him. It was just Harry and the cactus.

"We might as well start heading towards Transfiguration," Harry said to the cactus.

Oh, come on, Harry! Thought Ron. We're all alone...we could cause some serious mayhem here! We could outdo Fred and George!

"Come along, then, cactus," said Harry, picking up the prickly potted plant.

Harry, why do you keep calling me cactus? Ron thought.

He thought for a moment.

Perhaps I am a cactus, Ron thought. That wouldn't be so bad, would it?

"Oi, you're heavy," groaned Harry. Then he flicked his wand and carried the potted plant by levitation. Unfortunately for Harry, he was completely oblivious to the sticker on the pot of the plant that said: Hello, my name is Ron.

They continued on to Transfiguration. Just as the arrived, classes were let out. Harry ducked out of the way and, when the classroom was finally empty, sat down in his usual place. For convenience, he placed the large, potted classes next to him, where Ron would normally sit.

McGonagall walked out of her office and into her classroom. She hummed a bit to herself. She shuffled some papers. She looked over her notes for the next class.

Then she looked up. About half of the Gryffindors were ready for class; the usual were going to get there barely on time, of course. Seamus, Hermione, Harry, cactus...

Wait, since when did she have a cactus in her classroom?

Then she noticed the helpful sticker.

"Harry, do you care to explain why Ron is a cactus?" asked McGonagall seriously.

"What?" asked Harry, bewildered. "Ron isn't a cactus! This is just some cactus I found in front of a broom cupboard!"

"What broom cupboard?" McGonagall asked suspiciously. Was Dumbledore up to something again?

"It's nothing," Harry said quickly. "Anyway, what made you think Ron was a cactus?"

"Could it be that useful sticker that says, 'Hello, my name is Ron'?" McGonagall asked sarcastically.

Harry looked at Ron's pot and noticed the large, friendly sticker.

"Huh, who would've thought of that?" asked Harry placidly.

I'm a cactus, Ron thought serenely. I don't have to do homework if I'm a cactus. I probably don't have to go to potions class, either. Life is good as a cactus!

"Gah! Ron!" shouted Hermione. "You'll be okay! I'll change you back!"

By now, of course, the rest of the class had arrived. They were very confused.

"Miss Granger, sit down!" said McGonagall shrilly.

"What's going on?" asked Seamus. "Cool, Harry, where'd you find that cactus?"

"That cactus is Ron!" said Hermione.

"Really? Cool, how'd you turn Ron into a cactus Harry?" Seamus asked. "That's some awesome Transfiguration! Hey, is that what we're learning today?"

The entire class went into chaos as partners argued about who was going to be turned into a cactus.

"Silence!" said McGonagall. The class fell into submission once more. "We are not learning to change our friends into cactuses!"

"Er, Professor, I think the plural of cactus is cacti," said Hermione somewhat meekly, raising her hand.

"Actually, it's cactus," said Seamus. "You know, like the plural of fish is just fish?"

The entire class again became chaotic as they disputed the evil of Ambiguous Plurals.

"Silence!" said McGonagall again forcefully. "If I have to hurt one of you, you will maintain order in my classroom!" Nobody heard her except Seamus, who was sitting very close to her.

"Oi, she's talking in italics," said Seamus. "Harry, did you really shag Draco Malfoy?" Seamus didn't say this very loud. It wasn't even shouting. Suddenly, the entire classroom fell to a hushed, anticipatory silence.

Harry, meanwhile, turned the color of cold porridge mixed with raspberry jam. That is, he paled and blushed simultaneously.

"Er..." Harry said.

"That is none of your business, is it, Seamus? Detention," said McGonagall. "Now, Harry, please take that cactus, er, I mean, Ronald, up to Dumbledore. He'll want to know what's going on."

If he doesn't already, McGonagall thought to herself. She was unable to connect the transformation of Ron into a cactus with the Plan of Imminent Doom, which had seemed to center around Harry and the Malfoy boy.

The walk up to Dumbledore's office was torture. Harry could hear Hermione's protests against Harry walking anywhere by himself with a large and cumbersome cactus for several corridors. Apparently, she thought McGonagall was irresponsible and dim-witted. This was obviously just some plot to get Harry stuck in a small, confined space with Malfoy again.

Harry didn't feel like laughing. He had known that everyone knew that he had shagged Draco Malfoy. That didn't make it any more uncomfortable. Harry thought back to the night before, to the reason why he had agreed to shag Draco--no, not Draco, Malfoy--the reason he had agreed to shag Malfoy in the first place.

Then he thought about how it had felt waking up in the morning. The warm entanglement of limbs, Draco's hand on his hip. It had felt...nice.

"No," Harry said loudly. "It is not nice." A passing ghost gave him a strange glance.

Harry, what are you talking about? thought Ron placidly. The world seemed much less of a pressing, stressful place when you were a cactus.

Finally, they reached the gargoyle. Harry said the password and lugged the large and cumbersome cactus up the spiral steps.

It left him red and out of breath. He knocked wearily on the door.

"Come in," called Dumbledore merrily. He was checking off the list of Things That Must Be Accomplished for the Plan of Imminent Doom to Succeed.

Harry hauled in Ron, the cactus.

"Er, Professor Dumbledore, McGonagall said you might want to see this," Harry panted.

"What a wonderful cactus!" beamed Dumbledore.

"Er, thank you, Professor," said Harry. "But I feel like I should tell you that this isn't an ordinary cactus."

Dumbledore looked at him expectantly.

"Oh?" he asked.

"It's Ron," said Harry.

"I see," said Dumbledore. "You've named your cactus after your best friend. How lovely!" He beamed at Harry, impressed with his creativity.

"Er, no, Professor," said Harry cautiously. "Actually, this is my best friend. Ron Weasley was turned into a cactus."

"Harry, it is unacceptable to turn your friends into various forms of cacti," said Dumbledore severely.

"I didn't do it!" said Harry defensively. "He was like this when I got there!"

"Got where?"

"When I left the cupboard, of course!" said Harry. "I was all upset because Hermione had told everyone that I had shagged Draco Malfoy--"

"You shagged Draco Malfoy!" interrupted Dumbledore suddenly. "This can't happen! That's not until step 442 of the Plan of Imminent Doom! We're only on step 439!"

"Er, okay, Professor, but what are we going to do about Ron?"

"Ron is a cactus!" shouted Dumbledore. "The Plan of Imminent Doom skipped a couple of steps! Now I have to reformulate the whole plan!"

"I'm sorry, Professor," said Harry, ashamed.

"Oh, that's alright. I'm sure you and Draco were smart enough to cast some spells before engaging in any sexual activity."

"Er..." said Harry.

"You mean..." said Dumbledore.

"I'll go get Snape," sighed one of the portraits.